Young Writers Society

I have a jar of butterflies.
Would you like to come and see?
My favourite is the blue one
with the green pattern on his wings.

I love the way they flutter
and waltz within the jar.
They are all so elegant
and all have sweet charm.

I know that these butterflies
only live for a day.
I know when they sleep tonight
their colours will fade.

I am a butterfly,
but my patterning is fading.
I look out of my window
and my days are ending.

My momma says I'm a butterfly,
beautiful to see.
But tonight when the suns down,
This disease will kill me.

She kisses me softly
and sits by my bed.
I am but the butterfly
and my jar is this bed.

The finally night of the butterfly
I am finally free.
The jar has been opened
and I will fly for all to see.

I think that perhaps you could work on the flow in the last stanza.. it threw me off, as it was a bit disrupted by too many syllables. Overall, this was a very sweet, simple, and emotional poem. Very well done.

Good work on this poem, it is very nice and meaningful.

I am a butterfly,
but my patterning is fading.
I look out of my window
and my days are ending.

I think it would sound better to put "pattern" instead of "patterning", or maybe "patterns are fading".

My momma says I'm a butterfly,
beautiful to see.
But tonight when the sun's down,
This disease will kill me.

The finally night of the butterfly
I am finally free.
The jar has been opened
and I will fly for all to see.

"Then finally night, of the butterfly", or "The final night of the butterfly".
The beginning was strong and I really like how you use the image of a butterfly.
Great work!

*Liked

This was very strong emotionally. When I was first reading, I thought, "Oh, a cute little poem about a butterfly." I was surprised by the depth of the idea, a complex story that you portrayed so simply and with such innocence. There were parts that were weaker than others, but I really did like the emotion that radiated from this sad but beautiful little piece. I don't have enough words to describe how much I liked this, especially the way you managed to make this incredibly relateable (at least to me).
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey buddy!
This poem was so sweet. I like how you portrayed yourself as the butterfly. That is clever. It's like a children's story. I admit, the end stanza I think where you talked about how you will fly caught me off guard because I thought you were supposed to die and stay in the jar. But the things that catch a person off guard is the best thing to do. It keeps you unpredictable and if I was a publisher, I would say being unpredictable is what I would look for in a person I am searching for. I think this story is like the story 'The Bells' by Edgar Allan Poe. Your using the periods of time in your piece and in stanzas. Good job! I don't see that a lot i writers and I think you should keep it up. Keep me posted on when you have a new story/piece so I can read! =)

Wow, Just Wow... Okay, while reading this, I began to thing "this is nice, a poem about a beautiful butterfly that will have its beauty fade it in time of its death" then I get farther in and see, BAM, a poem that is very emotional and deep, very great to read.

Other then I spelling errors that have already been mentioned, I can't find anything wrong...

Great Job,

~Rain~

I LOVE this poem. It's so sad and full of beautiful imagery. You need to work on the grammar a bit, but apart from that I thought it was WONDERFUL!

I found this beautiful. I couldn't say exactly why, it's hard to pinpoint that in a poem sometimes, but I really did. I'd love to see it in a bit more free-flowing form, just because occasionally it felt like you had this brilliant line or concept, but had to constrain it to a certain line and stanza length.

My favorite stanza was the fourth:

I am a butterfly,
but my patterning is fading.
I look out of my window
and my days are ending.

...especially those first two lines. Something in your use of 'patterning' instead of 'colors' or 'brightness' or some other slightly more cliched concept, made it fresh and, abruptly, a little tragic. It jarred me, in a good way, and really opened up the emotion in the poem for me. My patterning is fading.

Overall, great job

My edits are in all caps.


" I have a jar of butterflies.
would you like to come and see?
My favorite is this blue one with green patterns on his wings.

I love the way they flutter
and waltz within the jar.
They are all so elegant
and all have sweet charm.

I know that these butterflies
only live for ONE day.
I know when they sleep tonight
their color will fade AWAY.

I am a butterfly
but my PATTERN is fading.
I look out the window
and my days are ending.

My momma says I'm a butterfly.
Beautifyl to see.
But tonight as the sun GOES down,
The disease will SLOWLY kill me.

She kisses me softly
and sits by my bed.
I am but A butterfly
and my jar is this bed.

The FINAL night of the butterfly
I am finally free.
The has been opened
and I will fly for all to see."

* Snickerdooly claps*
I really enjoyed that poem! It was sweet and sad, at first it seems just about a bunch of butterflies you caught but then you BOOM are suddenly a butterfly yourself waiting for the end of your days.
Job well done and I will make it a job to go look at your other peices, Thanks for posting! I will always remember this poem!

Snickerdooly