Young Writers Society

I've kinda had this sitting around waiting to be finished for a while and just finished it, so, tell me what you think...

In dreams of peaceful slumber
you're floating in and out
of waves of color
that hypnotize the scenes
and leave you in a daze.

You're drifting in and out
of memories long forgotten.
Quiet days on the beach,
playing in the sand.
Lovers under the moon,
wishing on the stars.

But they turn to darker images
of fears dug up from shallow graves.
Of moth eaten notebooks
filled with words written from pain.
Of razor blades stained red
hidden from unsuspecting elders.
Of all the scars you hid behind sleeves,
and all the lies hid behind your eyes.

You wake with a start.
The same dream again,
the same fears made real,
that wake you from sleep
and keep rest away.
Another night you suffer,
from the insomniacs dream.

Firstly, here's a few spelling/grammatical corrections:

SilentRain wrote:I've kinda had this sitting around waiting to be finished for a while and just finished it, so, tell me what you think...

In dreams of peaceful slumber
you're floating in and out
of waves of color
that hypnotize the scenes
and leave you in a daze.

You're drifting in and out
of memories long forgotten.
Quiet days on the beach,
playing in the sand.
Lovers under the moon,
wishing on the stars.

But they turn to darker images
of fears dug up from shallow graves.
Of moth eaten note books *
filled with words written from pain.
Of razor blades stained red
hidden from unsuspecting elders.
Of all the scars you hid behind sleeves,
and all the lies hid behind your eyes.

You wake with a start.
The same dream again,
the same fears made real,
that wake you from sleep
and keep rest away.
Another night you suffer,
from the insomniacs dream.

* 'Notebook' can be written as a single word

I don't think there are any other errors, but you may want to check in case I missed any.

I liked this, the way the first half is filled with pleasant images like "Lovers under the moon, wishing on the stars" and then it abruptly switches to nightmarish "fears dug up from shallow graves" is very effective.

I especially appreciate the last stanza; I've suffered from insomnia in the past, and it really was just because I didn't look forward to sleep because for a time it wasn't restful, thanks mainly to disturbing dreams. Though for me those dreams were more about uncertainty, loss and not being able to satisfy certain desires, rather than a guilty conscience (as is implied to be the case for the poem's insomniac in the third stanza), but I guess it would have the same effect either way.

I don't really have much to criticise on this, other than the few errors above. Well done

Hey,
Thank you so much for requesting a review

On to it: I read your first review, so I won't be redundant on the things they had pointed out. I'm not a pro on editing poems, but I really liked your's, lots of imagery very good for the sense of the poem. I do have to say that you wouldn't want to start a sentence with the word and, or, yet, for, nor, so, but, & because. In your third stanza you start off with a but, because poem are different I don't know if you should change that or not, but just keep that in mind

Have an awesome day,
Tiffany

Interesting poem.
First, just a minor grammatical correction:

from the insomniac's dream.

I like how the third stanza suddenly has consistently longer lines than the rest of the poem - it really sets it apart and jars the reader, but in a good way, as it heightens the contrast between it and what came before and after. That gives the reader a stronger sense of the darkness you're conveying. In addition, it lets the last stanza seem separated from the rest, fitting as it's the only one where the insomniac is awake.

I felt like the rhythm of the last stanza was disrupted after the fourth line. It would flow better, I think, if you changed the 5th line

and keep rest away.

to rhyme with the 3rd:

the same fears made real,

Apart from flowing better, it would further differentiate the last stanza from the rest, which to me would make a wonderful contrast of sleep/waking.
Nice job!

Hey

I thought this was good. I especially liked the contrast between the images in the first two stanzas and in the third, and the way it hinted at the character's past. There were a few bits I thought could be improved, although with poetry it's all a matter of opinion I suppose.

You're drifting in and out

I found this to be too similar to "You're floating in and out" from the stanza before. Sometimes repetition is a useful tool in a poem but this feels to me like you're reusing an image just for the sake of it.

I'm not sure about "the insomniac's dream" as a title and last line, because surely an insomniac is someone who can't sleep, so doesn't dream very much at all, as opposed to someone who has unsettling dreams. Perhaps you could find another word to describe the dreamer.

Overall, while I like it as it is, the imagery is quite vague. It might have more impact if you described more the things that were more personal to the speaker, so it gave more of a glimpse of their life, both the good parts and the not so good, instead of just a mishmash of different pleasant and unpleasant images.

Keep writing!