Young Writers Society

Hey everybody. This is my first post in well ages. I’m not Spanish (you might have assumed that from the title I just love the language). Title translated as 'one rose, my garden...one friend, my world. Basically this is the first chapter of my novel. Also a little note I won’t post chapter 1.2 until I’ve finished chapter 1.3. Basically this story is about three childhood friends so every chapter will have 3 parts unless I say otherwise. Yep so that’s about all i have to tell you. Have fun reading and enjoy!


Rosa's Life

Rosa walked out her apartment. She preferred walking to work while the guys who worked with her liked showing of their cars. Well boys will be boys. Then she carried on walking. Every morning the same routine passing the garden and old miss haggardly the beggar women who she always gave a little bit of her money too. She stopped outside the garden and saw little kids laughing with their mothers. How beautiful life was. And she worked to stop those who wanted to ruin beautiful scenes like the one she was seeing. “Hi Officer Leonard” her friends 5 year old son jack called. She laughed kneeled down to his level and proceeded to give him a strong tickle attack. “How many times have I told you I’m an investigator not an officer?” she asked him. He gave a naughty smile. “Look I’m late for work but I’ll get my revenge later” she stood up carrying on her way. She stopped in front of a large, tall building Greystone police station. She walked inside the building and saw serious looking men and women scuffling around. She walked into her office. On the desk was a file with a note ‘hey Rosie a little gift on your case’ she smiled. ‘God bless officer smith’ she silently prayed.

She opened the white folder to find pictures of a handsome young man in a black suit talking on the phone. He had short brown hair and deep blue eyes. Inside there were many pictures of him but the one that really caught her attention was one of him talking to Jonathan Pierre. The most wanted guy in the entire America. The police could connect him with more than 50 crimes. Yet each time they came up with no evidence. Another was of him close up. A weird kind of white powder on his hands. But it wasn’t weird to her she knew it was cocaine. It was then she knew that this was the guy she should follow if she wanted something on Pierre. Suddenly she looked again at the original picture. Something about those blue eyes was familiar she felt herself sub-consciously touching her neck she felt like something was missing there a necklace?

“So I see you’ve found my gift” officer smith gloated. Standing at the door way was officer smith. She idolized him. Over the years they had developed a close teacher student relationship. He was in her view what an investigator should be sharp, smart and most important a big conscious and a bit of humour. She was 10 years his senior he was the one who taught her the tricks of the trade of the investigator business.
“Yeah yeah you made a breakthrough on my case” she acted like it was nothing yet she was jealous. How he managed to do things so fast was beyond her. “All right I have to go now I just came here to get my years worth of pride and showy-offy-ness” he paused with a funny puzzled look on his face. “Is that even a word?” he asked with a cheeky grin on his face before leaving her office. She laughed then picked the picture up again. Something about those blue eyes... she felt like she had some sort of connection with this strange man. In the end she put it to her not sleeping well and got up. She wanted to go visit her mother...



Rosa readied herself to enter her mother’s home. It was the first time after they had had a gigantic fight about her adoption. Rosa had asked too many questions that night.

‘ “Mum tell me the truth what was my name? Who was I? Where did I live?” Rosa had pressed on. She really had wanted to know the truth. “You’re name is Rosa and you’re my daughter mine you understand me” her mum had screamed.
“No mum I want the truth” Rosa had cried. “All my life memories that I can’t understand, I love you but I need to know that I wasn’t hallucinating that those memories were real that I was really there.” Rosa’s mum threw her a large photo album at her it was really close to hitting her head. “What about our memories? What about me? Don’t I matter?” with this her mother kneeled down and began crying. Rosa realised how hard she’d hurt her mother, she knelt down to hold her but her mother screamed “no go leave me alone! Be Isabella that’s who you want to be right leave me alone!” her mother pushed her away, her face red from tears.
“Isabella that’s my real name?” Rosa asked. Rosa regretted adding the world real.
“yes it’s your real name, from your real life coz’ I’m nothing but dream yeah?” her mum wiped her tears
“Get out” she screamed.
“Look mum ...”
“I said GET OUT” ‘

Rosa shuddered, took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Hey mizz! Spanish is a beautiful language, isn't it?

Anyway, with your story, it seems a little bit odd sometimes! For instance it seems strange that she would be a successful policewoman and then she would be arguing with her mother about her adoption! So it makes it seem like she seems younger than she is... for instance, her job working as a policewoman would give her access to lots of files to identities. Why does she bother yelling at her mother about it? It doesn't quite make sense!

Also, I think you should introduce Officer Smith a little more... he seems a bit undefined right now.

Also! You should learn how to use the comma. It's a little punctuation mark that looks like this --> ,

Anyway, it's very important... very hard to use, but well worth it!

Hope that helps!

First of all, Hola Chika!...(that's all the Spanish I know)

Well first of all I want to ask one thing: You really live in Egypt? Wowwww..... *jumping up with excitement* I have always felt a connection with Egypt. I had written a story set up in Egypt. Now that you're from there I might take some help from you. Only if you don't mind, would you?

Rosa walked out of her apartment.

She preferred walking to work while the guys who worked with her liked showing of their cars.

Firstly I was very confused with this sentence, but then I got the hang of it after reading it for two-three times.
It should be like:
1. She preferred walking for work while her male co-workers liked to show of their cars.
OR
2. She preferred walking down to work while guys working with her preferred showing off their cars.

Well boys will be boys!

You should use an exclamatory sign here since you're expressing a deep emotion by Rosa.

Every morning the same routine passing the garden and old miss haggardly the beggar women who she always gave a little bit of her money too.

How beautiful life was.

I think even here you could do with an exclamatory sign.

“Hi Officer Leonard” her friend's 5 year old son jack called.

First of all it's her friend's son so you should put an apostrophe after friend.
Then secondly, there should be a capital 'J' for Jack. O think that must have been a typo.
And thirdly, you don't write digits like you wrote 5. You should instead spell it. Digits are fine only when you need to use time, date or year.

She laughed,(or and) kneeled down to his level and proceeded to give him a strong tickle attack.

I liked this sentence the best so far.

She stopped in front of a large, tall building, the Greystone police station.

Inside there were many pictures of him but the one that really caught her attention was one of him talking to Jonathan Pierre,the most wanted guy in the entire America.

I thought the first snetnwece here was a run-on.

Another was of his close up.

I made it to 'gig' ere but still i ahve my doubts on this sentence. It would be good if you re-frame it.

But it wasn’t weird to her; she knew it was cocaine.

“So I see you’ve found my gift” officer smith gloated.

You should capitalize 'o' and 's'. it's the error I have found all along this chapter.

Over the years they had developed a close teacher- student relationship.

He was in her view what an investigator should be; sharp, smart and most important a big conscious and a bit of humour.

She was 10 years his senior he was the one who taught her the tricks of the trade of the investigator business.

You just said that she idolised him. So he should be her senior, practically.

“Mum tell me the truth, what was my name? Who was I? Where did I live?” Rosa had pressed on. She really had wanted to know the truth. “You’re name is Rosa and you’re my daughter mine you understand me” her mum had screamed.

I have noticed here that you don't separate the dialog. Separating them would make it easier for the reader to read and it also gives a neat look.
It should be like this, for instance:
"I am your going to the market," yelled Mary from the kitchen.
"Fine, mom. Are you sure you don't want me to come?" John screamed from his bedroom, while watching television. I started another line for every dialog when the character also changed. If it's the same character speaking after some action then you can continue in the same line.

Also you didn't need to make this bold. Italic would have done good. I did it bold above to show you that this is something important.

Rosa’s mum threw her a large photo album at her; it was really close to hitting her head.

Rosa realised how hard(hard is not the word here to be used. You could use 'much') she’d hurt her mother, she knelt down to hold her but her mother screamed, “No go leave me alone! Be Isabella that’s who you want to be right leave me alone!” her mother pushed her away, her face red [s]from tear[ from crying/s]

s.

“Isabella? That’s my real name?” Rosa asked. Rosa regretted adding the world real.

This way it sound more dramatic.

Rosa shuddered, took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

What's going to happen next? Huh?

Well honestly to say I think you need a lot of work on this. There were many things that seemed to have come form a new writer. I very well understand that English is not your first language so it is a bit difficult to write in it. I myself don't have English as my first language so i can tell this. But the only two ways of improving writing and vocabulary are by reading variety of books and writing more and more. I strictly advice you to read Twilight series not for the story but for the beautiful writing style Stephenie has and the vast vocabulary she possess.

So there were following things which you need to seriously work on:
1. Punctuation: there were many places where you didn't put an appropriate sign(exclamatory and all), you didn't put capital letters in the beginning of a noun which is a very important rule in English grammar. So I googled a site for you which would be able to help you out with the punctuation: Rules of Punctuation I hope it helps.
2. Dialog: Well, I had a lot of problem in the beginning about writing the dialog when making the setting of an English speaking country. If people around you do not converse regularly in English, then watch English movies to know how they talk. If the dialog is long then add some action to it, like how the speaker is standing, what all is going on his/her mind, and how's the listener reacting. Here's a helpful article by Snoink: Dialog Grammar
3. Phrases: Sometimes you phrase things awkwardly which doesn't form a complete meaning. Also, you just join two different sentences which have different meaning and make them one, without adding a comma or semi-colon.
4. Description: Take time to describe- the buildings, the atmosphere, the feelings of the person. Stpry telling is an art, so take time in creating it. I hope you understand and work on it.

There were more mistakes grammar-wise but I would like you to find them on your own after going through the articles and my advice. So that you could detect them yourself from the next time.

So apart from the flaws, which I am sorry to say were many, I think your story has a lot of potential and after reading the synopsis kind of thing you wrote in the beginning I am really tempted to read more of it. Also, I am also working on a crime novel dealing with the police/ investigators' department, so I am more than thrilled to read. Also it deals with friends, my all time favorite topic.

There are many articles to help us out, so you may wanna use them. They would surely help you out in your novel. Here's the link, where you'll find the list. You'll find topics ranging from character development, writing technique, grammar, improving vocabulary etc.: List of Articles

~Shubhi

Keep Writing!

So hoping to see you around!

Rosa's Life

Rosa walked out her apartment. She preferred walking to work while the guys who worked with her liked showing of their cars. Well boys will be boys. Then she carried on walking. Every morning the same routine passing the garden and old miss haggardly the beggar women who she always gave a little bit of her money too (to). She stopped outside the garden and saw little kids laughing with their mothers. How beautiful life was. And she worked to stop those who wanted to ruin beautiful scenes like the one she was seeing. “Hi Officer Leonard” her friends 5 year old son jack called. She laughed kneeled down to his level and proceeded to give him a strong tickle attack. “How many times have I told you I’m an investigator not an officer?” she asked him. He gave a naughty smile. “Look I’m late for work but I’ll get my revenge later” she stood up carrying on her way. She stopped in front of a large, tall building Greystone police station.
(I’m confused by this sentence. Did you mean the name of the building was Greystone, or that it had grey stones? It should be rephrased so that it makes more sense.) She walked inside the building and saw serious looking men and women scuffling around. She walked into her office. On the desk was a file with a note ‘hey Rosie a little gift on your case’ she smiled. ‘God bless officer smith’ she silently prayed. (the main problem that I have with your introductory paragraph is that it is so boring. You start just about every sentence with ‘she went here’ or ‘she did that’ and it gets repetitive. I would find a way around that, and also add in much more description of the city to give us a clear setting of this story.)
She opened the white folder to find pictures of a handsome young man in a black suit talking on the phone. He had short brown hair and deep blue eyes.(I wouldn’t really describe his eyes as deep here, since you are just looking at a photograph. And there must be more things to describe besides his hair and eye color. What else did you see?) Inside there were many pictures of him but the one that really caught her attention was one of him talking to Jonathan Pierre, the most wanted guy in the entire America. Police could connect him with more than 50 crimes, yet each time they came up with no evidence. Another was of him close up. A weird kind of white powder on his hands. But it wasn’t weird to her she knew it was cocaine. It was then she knew that this was the guy she should follow if she wanted something on Pierre. Suddenly she looked again at the original picture. Something about those blue eyes was familiar she felt herself sub-consciously touching her neck she felt like something was missing there a necklace?

A lot of your sentences here sound choppy; notice how I combined a few of them to make them flow better. Reread the last sentence, doesn’t it sound weird? And I’m not sure why you chose to put a question mark at the end.

“So I see you’ve found my gift” officer smith gloated. Standing at the door way was officer smith. She idolized him. Over the years they had developed a close teacher student relationship. He was in her view what an investigator should be sharp, smart and most important a big conscious and a bit of humour. She was 10 years his senior he was the one who taught her the tricks of the trade of the investigator business.
Comma after gift, and both Officer and Smith should be capitalized since it’s a title.
I have a lot here I didn’t really like. This to me is a lot of information that you don’t exactly need right now. Through the story we should come to know she idolizes him, and what his character traits are. You seem to have told us everything about him in one short paragraph, and have left no excitement to the readers. I think it would be better if simply left it as his dialogue.
“Yeah yeah you made a breakthrough on my case” she acted like it was nothing yet she was jealous. How he managed to do things so fast was beyond her. “All right I have to go now I just came here to get my years worth of pride and showy-offy-ness” he paused with a funny puzzled look on his face. “Is that even a word?” he asked with a cheeky grin on his face before leaving her office. She laughed then picked the picture up again. Something about those blue eyes... she felt like she had some sort of connection with this strange man. In the end she put it to her not sleeping well and got up. She wanted to go visit her mother...
It’s a little difficult to read through dialogue when it’s all crammed into the same paragraph. I would suggest to start a new paragraph every time someone speaks.
When you mention his blue eyes, it makes it really obvious that she knows him. To me, it feels like you’re trying so hard to create a big, shimmering red arrow pointing and saying ‘there’s something mysterious about him!’. I would completely leave it out of this ending and just say how she felt like visiting her mother.
*******************************************************************


Rosa readied herself to enter her mother’s home. It was the first time after they had had a gigantic fight about her adoption. Rosa had asked too many questions that night.

‘ “Mum tell me the truth what was my name? Who was I? Where did I live?” Rosa had pressed on. She really had wanted to know the truth. “You’re name is Rosa and you’re my daughter mine you understand me” her mum had screamed.
“No mum I want the truth” Rosa had cried. “All my life memories that I can’t understand, I love you but I need to know that I wasn’t hallucinating that those memories were real that I was really there.” Rosa’s mum threw her a large photo album at her it was really close to hitting her head. “What about our memories? What about me? Don’t I matter?” with this her mother kneeled down and began crying. Rosa realised how hard she’d hurt her mother, she knelt down to hold her but her mother screamed “no go leave me alone! Be Isabella that’s who you want to be right leave me alone!” her mother pushed her away, her face red from tears.
“Isabella that’s my real name?” Rosa asked. Rosa regretted adding the world real.
“yes it’s your real name, from your real life coz’ I’m nothing but dream yeah?” her mum wiped her tears
“Get out” she screamed.
“Look mum ...”
“I said GET OUT” ‘

This was overly dramatic in my opinion. At least on her mum’s part. Rosa was just asking about who her parents were and such, and I thought her mum would treat her questions with more understanding. A few of your sentences are a bit strange. I think one would sound better like this:

“Your name is Rosa and you’re my daughter. Mine! Do you understand me?!”




I really like the idea of this story. You’ve got many things going on at once which are keeping me interested; who was the man in the photograph? How will Rosa’s encounter with her mother go? Who are Rosa’s real parents? I thought you did a really good job at introducing all these conflicts in just the first chapter.

However, before this can be good you’re going to have to work on a few things. Most importantly, I want description. I really wanted to know more of what her town/city looked like, and what the characters looked like. Keep in mind that descriptions of people don’t have to end at simply at hair and eye color. Also, remember that good descriptions reach all five of the senses; sight, sound, smell, feel, and taste.

You’ve been given great references to fix these mistakes, so I highly recommend that you spend some time and check them out.

Best of luck! If you need any help, I’m just a PM away.