Young Writers Society

Ok, so this is sort of a true story, but I am making it fake hehe. This is my first time writing something like this so I hope you like it. I rated it 16+ because of the mention of drugs throughout the story.

Enjoy!
What have I done? I stare at the newly darkened sky, and I can't keep my mind off of what I've gotten myself into. My stomach churns with anticipation, but I am nowhere near prepared for the night ahead of me. I can't even begin to imagine what my future has in store for me. The only thing I know is that tonight will be full of risks, but hopefully the rewards will be greater.

I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind; With a struggle, I pull myself back to the present to answer it.
"Hello," I say way too quickly. Remember sound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally.
"Hey, you ready?"
His voice leaves me speechless, it reminds me of what I have been missing for such a long time. I have to struggle to pull myself together, and come up with a coherent reply.
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."
"They" being my parents.
"OK."
His deep voice rings in my ears, and this time I do forget to reply.
"See you later then," he says realizing that I'm not going to respond.
"Oh, yeah, see ya later." I shut my phone in a daze. Well that was a failure on my part, I hope he doesn't think I sound comepletely stupid now. Oh well, I guess I should see if they're asleep. Tiptoe-ing quietly from my pumpkin orange bedroom I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep. I open my door and start to slide quietly up the first hallway. My two siblings are on this hallway, and I know immediantly they are sleeping by the sound of their fans. I open the door that leads to the kitchen and shut it behind me without making a sound. Just as I suspected, there is not a sound or light in the house. The only thing I can hear is the quiet snores of my dog, Bandit. He sleeps next to my parents room, and I can see that they to are asleep.

Tiptoe-ing back to my room I am relieved.Well that went well. I walk back towards my bed to retrieve my phone, risking a glance in the mirror. Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself. My brown, now straightened, hair floats to my shoulders,I know it wont stay this staight for long, but I pray it will last more than five minutes. I would never let anyone see the frizzy curly mess my hair is without the hours of work I put into it. The thought of it disgusts me, I hate feeling so ugly. My skin almost clings to my bones. I guess that's what you get from years of eating disorders. My facial features seem smaller than usual, and I can feel the little tan I gain this week wearing off in my nervousness.

I escape the mirror by returning my thoughts to my phone. My fingers shake as I quickly dial the numbers I need. As I hear the dial ringing my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer, what if he doesn't come at all? Why do I have to think so much! I only have a slip second to think about this though, because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.


"Hey."
"They're asleep, so you can come and get me whenever."
"Alright, we're on our way", he said, and then the call ended.

His words ring in my ears, and I feel really dizzy as I close my phone. Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration. Tiptoe-ing back upfront I reach the living room. Not much to see in the dark, but the details of the room are etched into my memory. A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner by our bigscreen TV. Leather chairs along with a brown couch are assorted in the room. My heart starts racing as I get close to the door. I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison.



End of Part One, so do you want to hear more, or is it to boring?

I liked this! Yeah you should totally go for writing the next part(s). I really enjoyed the whole mirror paragraph because I'm really big on eyes. (Girls and pretty eyes, they kill me every time ><.) Yeah, so it kept me interested and the only thing that dissapointet me was that you cut me off in the end wanting more.

Constructive wise though I think that if you added more detail into describing the house she's creeping around it might make it more deep.

It was totally fine though. I don't care if you don't add more detail because I think its already good enough. Keep up the good stuffz, and I hope to see the other parts.

This is very nice! =)

I think Hiadel has the setting elaboration down. It seems a little staticky to me.

Also, I would definitely try and keep this a little more involved. Right now it's coming off as just a little cliched, and although I am sure your story as a whole will not be uninteresting, it's difficult for me to get a real feel of what makes your story unique in this first section.

Something else that bothered me was the whole situation. I think the antagonization of the parents is a little overdone, and you might do well to cut down on that a little bit to make it a little less "teenage rebellion on steriods." You know? It's only, the conflict seems a little out of the blue and uninteresting. I think if you fleshed it out a little it would work a little more cohesively. Maybe do an introduction, before you introduce the male character? Let us find out a little more about the narrator first so that we can feel connected to her?

Definitely keep going with this! =)

Hello! My name is Kiara, and I'll be reviewing your work here.

With a struggle, I pull myself back to the present to answer it.

"Hello," I say way too quickly.

I don't think the word "way" is needed to get the point across.

"Hey, you ready?"

"They" being my parents,

His perfect voice rings in my ears,

It is very cliche to describe any part of someone as "perfect" in a romantic piece. No one is perfect, and the simple sound of someone's voice is never perfect. Instead, try describing the sound of the voice, and have the narrator tell what they like/love about it.

Tiptoe-ing quietly...

...from my overly clean, bedroom, I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep.

The orange comma isn't needed.

Just as I suspected, there is not a sound or light in the house.

My brown, curly, hair floats to my shoulders, giving way to a lanky, tall, body. I feel like I look awful, even though I am told otherwise often. Nervousness has made my usual pale skin even more placid, and I feel more clumsy than usual.

This all sounds way too much like the way Bella first described herself in Twilight and the way she saw herself, as well. I'm not sure if you are fimilar with the book that well, but if you are, it shows, and that isn't a good thing. Try a more original approach.

My fingers scrape gracefully yet quickly over the numbers I need.

This doesn't make much sense.

I only have a split second to think of this though, because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.

Overall: This is quite like a lot of the stories I read on the Romantic forum: A girl liking a guy and a simple event happens. There wasn't much depth to the story, to be honest. All we knew was that she liked a guy, and he was coming to get her. We didn't know what the guy was like, or even what the narrator liked about the guy. I'm sure if you add more demension to the story, it'd be a nice read.

Well, I am here to review like you asked

red - the subject of all the other colors.
Blue - General comments.
pink - grammar (taking away words, adding them, changing them, spelling, and punctuation.)
Bold - things I like.

Flower~Child wrote:
I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind. With a struggle I pull myself back to the present to answer it.
"Hello," I say way too add quickly. I have to sound calm, I remind myself mentally.
"Hey you ready?"
His voice leaves me speechless as usual, and I have to struggle to pull my thoughts together.
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."
They being my parents, the ones who grounded me for an eternity and then some.
"OK."
His perfect voice rings in my ears, and this time I do forget to reply.
"See you later then," he says seeing that I'm not replying. I don't really like the way you phrase this. Maybe like: "See you later then," he says after a moment realizing I am not going to reply.
"Oh, ya spelling this way doesn't make the way she says it any different like other slang words, so I would spell it properly: yeah., see ya later." I shut my phone in a daze. Well that was a failure on my part, should be ; I guess I should see if they're asleep. Tiptoeing quietly from my over clean, bedroom I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep. Just as I suspected there is not a sound or light in the house. The only thing you could possibly hear is the quiet, this comma isn't needed snores of my dog, Bandit.

Tiptoeing back to my room I am relieved, "Well that went well." Some of her thoughts are in quotes and some are not. Unless she said "Well that went well." out loud they aren't consistent. That isn't good. I walk back towards my bed to retrieve my phone, risking a glance in the mirror. Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself. My brown, curly, hair floats to my shoulders, giving way to a lanky, tall, body. I feel like Take this out if people tell her she is beautiful we know she really is. I look awful, even though I am told otherwise often. Nervousness has made my usual pale skin even more placid, and I feel more clumsy than usual. Hmm like said above she seems a lot like Bella. I think you should also give her a flaw besides the pale skin something that really is a bit ugly.

I escape the mirror by returning my thoughts to my phone. My fingers scrape this isn't a very "graceful" word. Maybe something like glide, skim, or fly. Also, if you use one of these words you won't have to add later that they are fast. gracefully yet quickly over the numbers I need. As I hear the dial ringing my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer, what if he doesn't come at all? I only have a split second to think of this though because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey."
"They're asleep, so you can come and get me whenever."
"Alright, we're on our way", he said, and then the call ended.

His words ring in my ears, and I feel really dizzy as I close my phone. Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration. Tiptoeing back upfront I reach the living room. Not much to see in the dark, but in the day you can see everything. Of course you can see everything in the day! Don't add useless details.A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner bu I don't know what word this is supposed to be or is. out TV, and chairs along with a couch are assorted in the room. My heart starts racing as I get close to the door. I gently unlock the locks replace with it, and ease out of my previous prison. add

Well, overall this is very cliche. Hopefully, the storyline gets better. As far as your writing style, I love it. You have barely and grammar mistakes that I can see, though I don't have a lot of skills in that area. I love your descriptions, but certain ones didn't pop out at me. Hope I helped.

A. S.

Hello, Flower~Child. I have not read any of the previous reviews, so if there is repetition, just ignore. I am a little rusty with my reviewing, but I will do the best I can. Here we go.

I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind.

Personally, I think you can do more with this. It's not usually what someone describes, so I am begging you to try and do it. Have her thinking some, then have some fuzziness disrupt her, but then she refocuses on her thought. Then it happens again, and again, until the fuzzy turns into a ring. Get it? It's just a mere paragraph, nothing major.

With a struggle, I pull ...

Missed comma there. Also, by doing what I asked of you above, we'd understand a little more why it is such a struggle.

I have to sound calm, I remind myself mentally.

I believe this would sound better as: Stay calm, Insert Name Here, I mentally reminded myself.

"Hey, you ready?"

Another missed comma.

His voice leaves me speechless as usual,

We could use more detail here. Why is this the usual happenings?

and I have to struggle to pull my thoughts together.
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."

They being my parents,

'They' or "They"

he says seeing that I'm not replying.

He wouldn't really be seeing this, would he?

Well that was a failure on my part, I guess I should see if they're asleep.

These are two completely different thoughts and should not be in one sentence together. Talk about her embarrassment a little more and then start a new paragraph with her going to see if her parents are sleeping.

over clean, bedroom

Uh, no comma here. And I'm not sure why here would be an appropriate place to tell us that she is a neat freak.

thing you could

Refrain from making this personal. Take out 'you' and use one...or just rearrange.

relieved, "Well that went well."

I believe this would be a period, not a comma. what she says about being relieved is not a tag to her speaking.

I think you can do much much more with this. In the future, if you take the time to write a part two, take is slower and describe more instead of giving me a to-do list. You're flow is a tad off, you describe her figure and how she feels about it in the midst of nothing. I'm not trying to trash your story. It seems interesting and I would like to know what her boyfriend meant by "we're on our way" more than one? That is intriguing. I hope I helped.

Hey there Flower! I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.

I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind. With a struggle, I pull myself back to the present to answer it. The way you phrase this first paragraph is odd to say the least. I'm not quite sure what you mean when you said that the ringing was in the background. Also, was the character in the past or was she day dreaming or something? Because it says that the character struggles to pull themself back to the present. It's quite confusing.

"Hello," I say way too quickly. I have to sound calm, Always italicize thoughts. I remind myself mentally.

"Hey. You ready?"

His voice leaves me speechless as usual, and I have to struggle to pull my thoughts together.

"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."

They being my parents, the ones who grounded me for an eternity and then some.

"OK."

His perfect voice rings in my ears, and this time I do forget to reply.

"See you later then," he says, hearing that I didn't reply.

"Oh, ya, see ya later." I shut my phone in a daze. Well that was a failure on my part, I thought to myself. I guess I should see if they're asleep. Tiptoeing quietly from my overly clean bedroom, I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep. Just as I suspected there is not a sound or light in the house. The only thing you could possibly hear is the quiet, snores of my dog, Bandit.

Tiptoeing back to my room I am relieved, "That went well." I walk back towards my bed to retrieve my phone, risking a glance in the mirror. Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself. My brown, curly, hair floats to my shoulders, giving way to a lanky, tall, body. I think that I look awful, even though I am told otherwise often. Nervousness has made my usual pale skin even more placid, and I feel more clumsy than usual. Although I like that last sentence, the rest of the paragraph is clumpy physical description that I despise.

I escape the mirror by returning my thoughts to my phone. My fingers scrape gracefully yet quickly over the numbers I need. As I hear the dial ringing my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer, what if he doesn't come at all? I only have a split second to think of this though because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey."

"They're asleep, so you can come and get me whenever."

"Alright, we're on our way", he said, and then the call ended.

His words ring in my ears, and I feel really dizzy as I close my phone. Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration. Tiptoeing back upfront I reach the living room. Not much to see in the dark, but in the day you can see everything. A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner bu out TV, and chairs along with a couch are assorted in the room. My heart starts racing as I get close to the door. I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison.

All in all,
This piece is quite short, and I really don't have much to say about it. There's nothing especially going on except for the fact that she's sneaking out. I really don't like your MC, at all. She seems really stupid and ditzy and like her life revolves around that boy. It seems rediculously pathetic to me and in a way she quite reminds me of Bella from Twilight. I'm not exaclty sure that you should continue this piece because it seems quite drab to me.

PM me if you have any questions. Keep writing!

Always,
~Danie

Cheers!
I've got a free lesson at school so I'll review this with the time I have left. I'll go through what didn't feel right first and then for the opinion.

Thoughts at grammar

I can't keep my mind off of what I've gotten myself into.

- I do not feel really right about 'off of' =S

I pull myself back to the present to answer it.

- I'm aware it works this way, though I'm more for 'back to the reality', because mind for me is like 'an another world'. It's a matter of tradition though, you don't have to pay attention to this.

Remember sound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally.

- I'd go with : Remember, sound calm Bree. It feels much better this way as it's closer to reality, no? Writing it without a coma there makes me read the sentence fast.

"They" being my parents.

I had to reread this to get it the right way, at first it looked like "They" is something the guy said in the conversation between two characters. I think putting this next to the girl's comment would be better. F.e. "___" With "they" I actually meant my parents.

hope he doesn't think I sound comepletly stupid now.

- I think it should be completely.

Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself.

- How about Blue-grey-ish ?

Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration.

If that's what she thinks, wouldn't putting it into italics be better? Now just to get out of the door,


Opinion

The way you wrote this is quite good to be honest. The feelings are described, what she sees is described too. All this is described in a way I could easily read and follow in my mind. That's a + for you. Although this part is mostly about how she was preparing to get out of the house, what makes me wonder is = What risks? Why a previous prison? You leave the reader with some questions and I find this good, it's what makes the reader read further to find out. However, I'd have to admit I was a bit bored while reading it, but that's a matter of what kind of person the reader is. There are people who like story detailed with feelings and step-by-step movement that doesn't miss a thing. People who say this is boring are usually people who like to read the action packed or fast stories, keep this in mind - You can't please all the readers.

I'm between the two types so I can honestly say I'm looking forward to reading the next part, for which I do not have the time as I have just a few minutes left of my break at school. I do not have much more to say about the story itself as I need to know what the second part is about and only then say my opinion about the story in whole. All in all, this is a fine first part. More at the 2nd part later!

Heya Flower
Here to review as requested. You've already got some really nice reviews, but I will try best to give you a decent review of my own. By the way, I actually finished your review before his, but then my computer decide to have a spazm and brake...

Darkness has just covered the sky, and I can't keep my mind off of what I've gotten myself into.

You don't really need this comma here.

The only thing I know is that tonight will be full of risks, but hopefully, the rewards will be greater.

Remember; sound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally.

His voice leaves me speechless, it reminds me of what I have been missing for such a long time. I have to struggle to pull my thoughts together, and come up with a coherent reply.

You don't need the comma I highlighted in red here.

His deep voice rings in my ears, and this time, I do forget to reply.

"See you later then," he says, realizing that I'm not going to reply.

Well that was a failure on my part, I hope he doesn't think I sound completely stupid now.

You misspelled the word completely.

Tiptoe-ing quietly from my pumpkin orange bedroom, I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep.

Pumpkin orange! XD

Just as I suspected, there is not a sound or light on in the house. The only thing I can possibly hear is the quiet snores of my dog, Bandit.

When writing in the present tense, be careful of words like couldn't.

Tiptoe-ing back to my room, I am relieved.-Space Here-Well, that went well.

Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself.

I don't really like how you've used a forward slash here. Instead of using the slash, you should just use something like; blueish grey instead. According to Microsoft Word, blueish is a word, so you can use that...

My brown, now straightened, hair floats to my shoulders. I know it won't stay this straight for long, but I pray it will last more than five minutes.

I think that you had a typo on the word straight here.

I would never let anyone see the frizzy, curly mess my hair is without the hours of work I put into it. My facial features seem smaller than usual, and I can feel the small tan I gained in the sun this week fading in my nervousness.

I liked the second sentence here, for some reason. I like how you say that her tan faded in her nervousness... it sounds cool!

As I hear the dial ringing, my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer? What if he doesn't come at all?

Now just to get out the door, I think, trying to keep concentration. Tiptoe-ing back upfront, I reach the living room.

A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner by our big-screen TV.

My heart starts racing as I near the door. I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison.

You don't need the comma I highlighted here. I also changed 'got closer to' to 'near', simply because it's shorter and sounds better.


Overall

I thought that this was pretty good! You had some very nice descriptions in this piece, and better yet, the descriptions didn't take over the writing. A lot of readers tend to fall into that trap. Another thing I liked about this was the idea itself. You mentioned at the beginning that there were drugs involved in this story and I like that fact. I really like drugs, alcohol and sex... not literally. I just like them in stories, television programmes and movies. They make them more interesting, in my opinion. I also like how there was a bit of mystery in this. Because of the mention of drugs at the beginning, I thought that maybe your MC was getting ready to go out and buy, or sell, drugs...? If you hadn't mentioned the drugs though, I would have probably thought that she was going out to meet her boyfriend or something. That's not really a bad thing though, if you ask me. As for your grammar, you had some issues with commas, but except for that, it was fine! When it comes to your spelling, I only found one misspelled word. Well done for that.

My main critique about this, in my opinion, is the fact that I find it a bit too vague at times. I like how you've created a bit of mystery, but I feel that it sometimes is a bit too mysterious. For example, I'd like to know a bit more about the background of this story and the background of your main character. To begin with, how old is she? Where does she live? Who does she live with? These details are actually rather important, believe it or not. Without knowing all that much about the characters, us readers can't really feel connected to them; we can't emphasize with them. That is a really important thing to try and achieve when writing a story. If your readers love the characters, and if they feel connected to them, the story itself becomes ten times better. To be honest, I'm finding this to vague right now, but there might be an exception. Is this a prologue? I'm not sure because you didn't say it was in the beginning of the post. If it is a prologue, you can ignore practically everything I've said! If it's not though, I would actually advise you to turn it into one. Either that, or you should make this part a bit clearer. I don't want you to tell me your MC's life story, just a bit more information that I have right now.

My other negative comment would probably be about the grammar, although it isn't all that bad. You've used most of your grammar marks correctly, it's just the commas that you seem to be getting a bit confused on. Don't worry though! There are an awful lot of people who struggle with using commas correctly, me included. I have to say though, the best way to improve on your grammar is to simply practice. Like with practically everything else, practice makes perfect! One thing that I noticed you doing with commas was using them before words like 'but' and 'and'. Remember, you don't always need a comma before these words. I'm not the best when it comes to critiquing grammar, so I'm not really going to say much on this. All of the comma errors that I did notice, I corrected for you in the nit-picks. There are bound to be some good advice threads on commas around the site. I think that you should check some of them out, maybe?

Keep writing!

xoxo Rhian

P.S If you post the next part of this, please notify me in my Will Review For Food thread. I'd like to see where you go with this!

Okay, WritingWords here!!

First of all, I really have NO idea what your story is about. No hint of what's going to happen, no foreshadowing...I know that you're trying to make the reader be curious about what happends next, but you shouldn't completely leave the reader in the dark. At least, that's how I feel about it. To be honest, I really don't want to read more with this start. Nothing really happened that makes me want to read on. Make it more interesting!

Second, here are a few mistakes:

Remember tosound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally.

[His voice leaves me speechless, it remind me of what I have been missing for such a long time. I have to struggle to pull my thoughts together, and come up with a coherent reply.

Why does his voice leave the character speechless? What does the voice sound like? Who is he or what does he mean to the character? Again, lack of detail.

The only thing I could possibly hear is the quiet snores of my dog, Bandit.

Where's the dog? In his/her room? Where are the snores coming from?

I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison.

[/quote]
Hmm...this phrase sounds awkward. Unlock the locks? Change that up a bit. Previous prison? I don't know why, but that just doesn't sound right to me.

Hey, you have a good start with the descriptions! But you need to review the plot more in the beginning or I'm afraid nobody will want to read more. Just edit it!

Hey Flower, here as you requested. I'll do my usual do-dar and offer any comments/suggestions and improvements in a specially picked colour. I think I'll go with a blue today!

Flower~Child wrote: Darkness has just I'd rethink the word "just", it doesn't do the opening any justice covered the sky, You started off with "has" which is present tense, and here you've used past tense. I'd change "Has" to "Had" and I can't keep my mind off of what I've gotten myself into. Now, I'm engaged. The mystery is there. In my opinion, I think you should use this far earlier in your opening line; you'll want to grab the attention right away. My stomach flips (flips? Try something like 'flickers'. I feel flips is a wrong word choice - but it's upto you) with anticipation, but I am nowhere near prepared for the night ahead of me. Good! Captivating! I can't even begin to imagine what my future has in store for me. The only thing I know is that tonight will be full of risks, but hopefully the rewards will be greater. Right, that's a fairly good start! Just clean up some points because then you'll have a strong, engaging opening. The mystery is good, but to avoid the risk of seeming too vague, be sure to begin to explain it sooner rather than later!

I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind. Replace period with semi-colon. With a struggle, I pull myself back to the present to answer it. First real sense of character, it shows they're a thinker and the reader can relate with their thoughts.
"Hello," I say way too quickly. Remember sound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally. Good sense of character.
"Hey, you ready?"
His voice leaves me speechless, it remind me of what I have been missing for such a long time. I have to struggle to pull my thoughts together, and come up with a coherent reply. The feelings seem a bit looped because your MC has pulled back to the "thinking" twice, perhaps revise this?
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."
"They" being my parents.
"OK."
His deep voice rings in my ears, and this time I do forget to reply.
"See you later then," he says realizing that I'm not going to reply. There's a wooden feel to the dialogue because to the repetition of reply. You could say, "he says, realising that I was silent."
"Oh, yeah, see ya later." I shut my phone in a daze. Well that was a failure on my part, I hope he doesn't think I sound comepletley stupid now. Oh well, I guess I should see if they're asleep. Tiptoe-ing quietly from my pumpkin orange bedroom I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep. Just as I suspected, there is not a sound or light in the house. The only thing I could possibly hear is the quiet snores of my dog, Bandit. Give us more of the noises. Take the tiptoe-ing slower so the reader feels the pace of the story going with the imagery in their head. Explain how she creeps through the hallway, what her thoughts are before she opens her parents' bedroom door, etc. Do you know what I mean?

Tiptoe-ing back to my room I am relieved.Well that went well. I walk back towards my bed to retrieve my phone, risking a glance in the mirror. Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself. There's an interesting turn of the character development, it's good. My brown, now straightened, hair floats to my shoulders,I know it wont stay this staight for long, but I pray it will last more than five minutes. Although I'm beginning to get a sense of what her weaknesses may be as a character, I feel very distant from her. I think you can fix this by adding more thought processes into your 1st-person narration to show feelings the reader can empaphise with. I would never let anyone see the frizzy curly mess my hair is without the hours of work I put into it. My facial features seem smaller than usual, and I can feel the small tan I gained in the sun this week fading in my nervousness. I like how you've given us an image of the MC here.

I escape the mirror by returning my thoughts to my phone. My fingers shake as I quickly dial the numbers I need. The nervousness seems very enforced and I want to empaphise with her, but I'm not feeling as much as I should be, there needs to be more effect. (Word choice, alliteration, similes, writer's technique, structure, etc.) As I hear the dial ringing my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer, what if he doesn't come at all? I only have a split second to think of this though because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey."
"They're asleep, so you can come and get me whenever."
"Alright, we're on our way", he said, and then the call ended. The "we're" is intriguing here. It's a good hook.

His words ring in my ears, and I feel really dizzy as I close my phone. Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration. Tiptoe-ing back upfront I reach the living room. Not much to see in the dark, but the details of the room are etched into my memory. A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner by our bigscreen TV. Leather chairs along with a brown couch are assorted in the room. My heart starts racing as I get close to the door. I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison. This ending is the best part, I think it shows the character very well, implies a history and "prison" is such an ingenius way to show how she feels about home.


End of Part One, so do you want to hear more, or is it to boring?
I'd like to hear more

So! There's a few points I feel you could improve on; it's mainly an issue with not feeling enough empathy for the character, the plot seems quite rushed. However, you have some very solid ground ideas here, a good MC and a talent for natural dialogue. Just perhaps take more time thinking, Am I saying enough? Is the character feeling enough? What would my reader think? .

I hope this helps and keep writing!
Ben

Hey Flower! Here as requested.

I found your first person to be a bit misused at the beginning, here. First person means that every line said should be in the character's voice. In first person novels I have read, and in my own writing, I've noticed this means very little that sound like thoughts. It's tricky to explain and can really only be seen through reading and writing, but lines like these:

I hope he doesn't think I sound comepletely stupid now. Oh well, I guess I should see if they're asleep.

Sound like the character's thoughts. You also have a lot of actual thoughts in there, and you're taking away the value of first person. In first person you don't need all that many thoughts because it's the character narrating their own life— they're more likely to just describe a situation the way they think about it, instead of describing the situation objectively and adding in their thoughts.

Your pace also felt pretty quick, here. Events jump around and we're not given much time to process it all. I wouldn't slow this down much, but put very small pauses in here so we can get a hint of the scope of what's going on. It will have us get a better idea of what the current situation is (ironically enough, you need to slow down in order to give a rushed pace) and relate to the character better. This article on pacing might be of some help on that front.

I did find this interesting, though. The character's voice is pretty well formed, past the slight pov issue I noticed, and we're left wondering what's going to happen and what she's gotten herself into. By not giving us too many details, you're not dragging the tension out to the point of it being annoying. But I do maintain this needs to be slowed down a little so we have time for our hearts to pound. It doesn't need slowing down by too much, though.

Hope this helps, and PM me if you need anything!

~Rosey

I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind; With a struggle, I pull myself back to the present to answer it.
"Hello," I say way too quickly. Remember sound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally.
Remember, stay calm Bree.
"Hey, you ready?"
His voice leaves me speechless, it reminds me of what I have been missing for such a long time. I have to struggle to pull myself together, and come up with a coherent reply.
His voice leaves me speechless; it reminds me of what I have been missing for such a long time.
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."
"They" being my parents.
Try ‘they‘, just because I thought this was still dialogue.
"OK."
His deep voice rings in my ears, and this time I do forget to reply.
"See you later then," he says realizing that I'm not going to respond.
"Oh, yeah, see ya later." I shut my phone in a daze. Well that was a failure on my part, I hope he doesn't think I sound comepletely stupid now. Oh well, I guess I should see if they're asleep. (maybe start a new paragraph here)Tiptoe-ing quietly from my pumpkin orange bedroom I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep. I open my door and start to slide quietly up the first hallway. My two siblings are on this hallway, and I know immediantly they are sleeping by the sound of their fans. I open the door that leads to the kitchen and shut it behind me without making a sound. Just as I suspected, there is not a sound or light in the house. The only thing I can hear is the quiet snores of my dog, Bandit. He sleeps next to my parents room, and I can see that they to are asleep.

This paragraph can use a little work, I think. It gets a little boring when you are saying ‘I went quietly here, and my parents were asleep. I opened a door quietly. I went down another hallway and everyone was asleep. I proceeded down the next hallway.’ It just felt a bit long. There are also a few grammar errors here.

Tiptoe-ing back to my room I am relieved.Well that went well. I walk back towards my bed to retrieve my phone, risking a glance in the mirror. Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself. My brown, now straightened, hair floats to my shoulders,I know it wont stay this staight for long, but I pray it will last more than five minutes. I would never let anyone see the frizzy curly mess my hair is without the hours of work I put into it. The thought of it disgusts me, I hate feeling so ugly. My skin almost clings to my bones. I guess that's what you get from years of eating disorders. My facial features seem smaller than usual, and I can feel the little tan I gain this week wearing off in my nervousness.

Don’t be so blatant and say ‘I am relieved’. Say something like, ‘I let out a breath of relief’ or ‘I sighed with relief’ to show us instead.

You made such a point to tell us what she looks like, when it’s really not necessary. All of this information will come in time, and right now all you’re doing is interrupting the suspense. If you really have to slide it in here, make it subtle, like ‘I nervously patted down my flat-ironed hair even smoother; I was not going to let it frizz up on a night like this.’

I escape the mirror by returning my thoughts to my phone. My fingers shake as I quickly dial the numbers I need. As I hear the dial ringing my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer, what if he doesn't come at all? Why do I have to think so much! I only have a slip second to think about this though, because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.

I think you mean ‘split’ second.

"Hey."
"They're asleep, so you can come and get me whenever."
"Alright, we're on our way", he said, and then the call ended.

His words ring in my ears, and I feel really dizzy as I close my phone. Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration. Tiptoe-ing back upfront I reach the living room. Not much to see in the dark, but the details of the room are etched into my memory. A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner by our bigscreen TV. Leather chairs along with a brown couch are assorted in the room. My heart starts racing as I get close to the door. I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison.

I’m curious to see who these people are, and why she wants to escape so badly. But before you go and write more, I think you should revise what you have here, because there are still some simple errors you can fix.

My biggest complaint is that I couldn’t help being a little bored when reading this; your main character isn’t interesting to me, and her main motive to sneak out of the house seemed selfish. That’s just my opinion. However, like I said I am curious to why she felt she had to escape, and if there was something more to her family that you haven’t told us yet.

Oh, and at the beginning, I would put all of her thoughts in italics.

Hope I helped! PM me if you have questions.

Love your story! I can conect to it. lol haha

I liked this! I think you did a good job!