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The Fall-- До Свидания, Икар



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Thu May 13, 2010 8:47 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



Meh. Just for fun? Kinda weird, and not sure what I think of it. In theory, it's supposed to have some sort of Icarus-Daedalus parallels.

A.D 4094
The Old Kievan Facility for Political Conspirators; Formerly: Spitsbergen
78°54′N, 18°01′E
5:04 PM Central European Time

It’s snowing again. He knows it is because it’s always snowing. All he can remember now of the world outside is that of a landscape of miles of whitewashed wasteland.
He presses against the cold chill of the metal wall and shivers.
Outside looks nothing like snow even, only a blinding burst of white, sped from the north with a screaming frenzy of winds. A white darkness obscures everything.
He only knows two things:
It’s always snowing.
He’ll never get out of it.
The boy sighs and his breath condenses and swirls for a moment before dissipating. He shivers again. “Shouldn’t snow in September.” The words smoke from his purple lips in the frigid air.
“Do you know what they used to call this place, Alexi?”
The voice makes him cringe. It’s at least twenty degrees warmer then the air around him. His name tickles the back of his neck, rustling the fur at his coat collar. He would have known the answer to the question if he hadn’t been asked. “Sweeden,”
It is silent for a moment and an artificial light flickers halfheartedly, sounding much louder than it should.
The voice tuts softly. “Svalbard. Average temperature of four degrees Celsius in the summer.”
“I knew that,” he says, spite dripping from his lips, steaming on the frozen floor.
Another tut fills the hollow hall, the arrogance almost palpable. “No you didn’t, Alexi. You never do listen.”
His shoulders slump and a frustrated sigh escapes. “How long have we been here?”
“Ten years, Alexi.”
Ten years on Svalbard, where the winters last a geological age each. A decade on Svalbard. He hasn’t seen grass in a decade. “Haven’t been warm since I was twelve, then,” he mutters.
“What did you say?”
The voice is infuriatingly calm and steady in his ears. Red blossoms over his face like a wound, spreading to the tips of his ears. “I said this is your fault!” He turns hotly to face the man behind the voice and his anger turns the hall sweltering. His lips are dry now and he licks them. “Your fault.”
“How so?” The voice belongs to a man of middle age, his already gray hair turning white in splotches. The man’s eyes stare unblinkingly back at Alexi, filled with an emotion the boy doesn’t understand.
Alexi runs his tongue over his lips. “You… you…” He stops. “I don’t remember what you did. You never told me.”
No movement from the man. “Maybe I did. You never do listen.”
He sniffs, from both the cold and obvious indignation. “We’re exiles. At least you are.” He stares out the window at the whiteness before him. “One day…” A pause. The light flickers. “I’m going back. To Russia.”
Flicker.
“You remember Russia?”
“Yes,”
Flicker.
It’s then Alexi notices the man’s eyes, the dark bags underneath them. He notices the thin covering of stubble. It only means one thing—“You’re inventing something,”
“That is why the keep me here.” A smile spread thinly across the man’s face.
“Us.” The word seems heavy, final. It thuds on the ground like lead between the two. “They keep us here.”
A sigh. “Yes. Yes they do, Alexi.” His face lights up genuinely this time. “But you’ll really like this one! I promise.”
“What is it?” The tone is less than enthusiastic.
“I’m calling it the Daedalus Project.”
Flicker.
“That’s stupid.”
He shakes a finger as if scolding a young child.
I’m sixteen. I’m sixteen not five and I’m not stupid and stupid Svalbard has made me at least a millennium old. “It’s stupid.”
“Only because you don’t know who Daedalus is. It’s fascinating, actually, Alexi…”
Alexi tunes him out. Daedalus is an inventor blah. And he has a son named Icarus blah. It’s some kind of tragedy.
“I don’t care about some dumb kid falling into some Greek sea and some wooden cow and some maze. But if I had wings I would fly back to Russia right now. There’s not even any sun to melt the feathers.”
“The wax,”
“Whatever.” He gestures vaguely out the window.
A smile flits across the man’s face and this time reaches his eyes. They crinkle at the edges like old paper. “You remind me of myself at your age.”
“No, I don’t.” Alexi responds scoffingly.
The man pauses, looks pensive and distant. “You’re right, you don’t. You’re much more eager, Alexi. Sometimes too eager. But you could be great.” He shrugs.
The tension breaks slightly. “You’ve never told me that.” Alexi’s voice is softer.
“Yes I have,” replies the man. “You just never listen. Do svidaniya, Alexi.” The man walks away, his footsteps surprisingly soft on the metal floor.
“Bye, Dad.”
2:17 AM
“Wake up, wake up!”
Alexi stirs himself slowly from unconsciousness. Sleep claws at his vision and almost grabs him back until something rolls him out of his bed. The unseen awakener forces several sweaters over his head and zips him into a parka. Alexi’s feet are suddenly stuffed into seal skin boots.
Dobroye ootro.” His father’s voice comes quick and breathily. He sends clouds of smoky words into the darkness. “Good morning, Alexi.”
“What?”
His father grabs him by the shoulders. “Project Daedalus,” he whispers almost inaudibly, and stuffs some stale bread into Alexi’s yawning mouth. “Now come. I packed you a bag, pick it up.”
Alexi numbly obeys and allows himself to be dragged through the halls. The pair dart through the shadows, avoiding manmade light. Their footsteps are soft and light.
It takes several minutes of blinking a mild confusion to get out, “Dad, where are we going?”, but in response he only receives a short “Shh!” and a mild slap on the back of the head. He questions nothing until his father stops in front of a wall no different than the rest of the walls of the Facility. It’s metal and cold and windowless and Alexi sees nothing special about it, so he tells his father so.
His father’s eyes twinkle strangely in the blackness. “But look,”
Alexi looks. He scowls.
His father shakes his head. “No, Alexi. Really look.” He bends down and grabs at the edges of a metal wall panel, shaking it until it comes reluctantly loose. “An old guard exit,” His words are hushed, and he ushers for Alexi to see.
Bending down, he sees nothing.
It’s a tunnel, and it leads to nothing. It leads to the outside world. A blast of cold air rushes in at subarctic temperatures, stinging and biting. The rushing sound is the snow. It has to be snowing.
It’s September, after all. “Four degrees in the summer time,” Alexi breathes out slowly.
“And negative twelve in the winter,” says his father, but he’s already halfway encased in tunnel.
So Alexi follows.
He worms his way blindly after his father, too tired to question, too tired to point out the ludicrousness of going out into the white.
He begins to doze but his body keeps working until he notices there’s no one in front of him, only a blue white haze.
And just like that he’s out. Out of the Facility. Out on Svalbard.
It’s colder out here.
He shivers, and even after blinking his visibility doesn’t change. Snowflakes land on his eyelashes.
“You don’t see it?” comes his father’s voice. He can barely hear it over the wind, but he turns and sees a splash of faded red in the dark.
“You made this?” Alexi screams.
A shrug. “Eh, basically. I found plans for one from awhile back and…”
Alexi runs up to the machine, not even trying to conceal his excitement. “A while back? Dad, this is at least… at least…” He runs his hands over the machine reverently. “Centuries, right?”
He nods.
“What do they call ‘em again?”
His father dusts the already thick coating of snow from the seat. “Snowmobiles,” He bubbles with the history of the things and how to work them, but Alexi’s not listening. He’s too eager to get on it.
“… and that’s how you’re getting back.”
Alexi’s head jerks up. “Back?”
His father puts a hand on his shoulder, slowly, methodically. “You’re going home,”
And he realizes why his father seems so sad. “There’s… only one seat.”
“It’s yours. Don’t protest. It’s yours. I’ll find you somehow.” He gestures to the snowmobile. “Listen, Alexi. It won’t be long before they notice we’re gone. I need to get back soon, but you’ll be long gone. The island we’re on used to be called Spitsbergen. All you need to do is go straight. It’s a straight shut to the mainland, Alexi.” He’s breathless. “Get to the mainland and find someone. You speak Russian. You will find someone, Alexi. You’re smart. You’re eager. You’ll be fine. Now listen—” And he’s rattling off instructions on how to use the thing but Alexi’s not listening. He’ll understand once he’s on it.
And he’s on it and there’s a helmet and his pack is on and it’s all real.
“Listen,” His father is right by him. “Listen, Spitsbergen is surrounded by a giant frozen like. You only need to get to the mainland, but listen. It’s only September, and I know that it’s cold and I know that it’s snowing, but listen,” He pauses and lets the gravity sink in, but it floats over Alexi’s head. “The lake is not totally frozen. Stay to the edges where the ice is thick? You see the middle stretch ahead of us?” It looks solid to Alexi. “Don’t go on it. Don’t get cocky. Don’t go too fast.” There are few words left to say. His father embraces him and Alexi revs the engine.
“Goodbye, Alexi.”
And he’s off.
3:09 AM
Snowmobiling is not like anything Alexi has ever done before. He can control it and go as fast as he wants and it’s only now that he realizes how much control he’s been missing. I’ve been on a freaking glacier for ten years after all.
He goes faster and heads toward the middle of the lake. He can go faster in the middle, and the ice is thick enough. And what does his father know? He hasn’t been off of Svalbard in ten years. The ice could have changed.
And that’s when there’s a crack. And Alexi’s gone.
That’s another thing about living on a glacier- you never do learn to swim.
3:18 AM
Somewhere in the black water, Alexi Bogomolov shuts his eyes. Do svidaniya, he tries to say. But all that comes out is bubbles.

Thanks so much for reviewing! :D

-Anti
Last edited by Antigone Cadmus on Fri May 14, 2010 12:07 am, edited 4 times in total.
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Thu May 13, 2010 9:27 pm
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Emerson says...



Hey there! So here I am to give my review. :) I really love some of the lines in this, and I love the detail you give in certain places, but I do have some minor issues I'd like to point out. First, some errors I caught!

The words smoke from his purple lips in the frigid air.
This isn't really an error. I love this line. "smoke" is a beautiful verb. But it feels too packed - I think you could do without "in the frigid air". We already know it's frosty out.

spite dripping from his lips, steaming on the frozen floor.


but he’s already halfway encased in tunnel.
This is a really awkward line, imo.

Spitsbergen is surrounded by a giant frozen like lake(?).

---

So I really enjoyed your writing style in this but there were some bumps along the way. The first one I caught on to is that I can't really tell where they are so the beginning is a bit confusing. I also don't know why they're there. Exiles? Why? And what's with the flickers? I loved the shock that they're related, because the father seems so harsh. If anything with the beginning I would suggestion you explain where they are better because it made it awful hard to imagine the scene. You get better at this later, though, which is excellent. I can practically feel the cold.

Another issue I had with the beginning was that there wasn't much conflict at all. In fact, there isn't much conflict throughout the whole thing. I didn't want to look up the myth you were referring to (though I did catch on) because I feel this piece should stand on its own two legs. Though I liked it, and I loved your detail, it just doesn't have a catch, a hook, something to keep me reading. Perhaps you can let us in more onto why the characters are there, and it would make us care more about whether they get out or not. Just add some conflict, something to pull the reader in.

I did love your detail though, it was absolutely fabulous. I felt like the ending was expected, warning - and then he doesn't heed it. But it was still a good ending, especially with the last bit. Also, your transitions from third to first were understandable, but a little weird. Perhaps put the first person thoughts in a different style, italics or something?

--

Now, my next chunk of information is on Russian. :) If you have any previous experience with it, I hope I don't insult, but I just passed through beginner Russian at my university (which I would say is an intense course since it was 5 days a week for two semesters!!) so I'm going to give you some pointers on some stuff.

First off, your title should be like so: До Свидания - you were just missing the last letter, я or "ya".

My last two points are on transliteration. See, in Russian you don't pronounce everything as it's spelt, it's based on where the stress is in the word. So, transliterations can never be exact because it's a sort of semi-A semi-O sound, but it's more accurate to write like this:
Do svidaniya = Da svidaniya
Dobroye ootro = Dobrey ootra

Like I said these aren't exact, but it makes more sense (to me) to write them as such.

Second, the best way I've found to translate interesting things is through Wikipedia. I looked up Icarus on Wikipedia and went down to the language section to Russian (Русски). It seems the Russian version of Icarus is actually Икар - Ikar. :)

Anyhoo, I did looove your detail in this story, it just needs some minor fixin's. Best of luck on editing, I'd love to read a redone version! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  





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Thu May 13, 2010 9:54 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



Thanks so much Suzanne! Eee, I'm so glad you liked it.
Yeah, my Russian is kind of limited (i.e, basically non existent) so thanks a ton for the advice. I want to be a linguistics major eventually, so corrections make me happy. :D I've dabbled in Cyrillic and can vaguely read it. My highchool doesn't offer awesomesauce stuff like Russian, so I can't wait to take it in college.

-Anti
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Sat May 15, 2010 5:47 pm
Sins says...



Heya Anti :)
Here to review as requested! Sorry I'm a bit late, my Internet got messed up. It's fixed now though, so it's all good.

Suzanne gave you a really good review, so sorry if mine is painfully bad. She covered any nit-picks that I would have, so I'll just leave them out. I don't want to repeat what she's already said, after all. That would be annoying for you and for me! Also, your grammar and spelling is perfect, as far as I can tell, so I wouldn't have much to say anyway. There is one thing I'd like to mention though.

All he can remember now of the world outside is that of a landscape of miles of whitewashed wasteland.

Overall, I really like what you're saying in this line; it's nice and descriptive. My only nit-pick about it is your overuse of the word 'of'. This might just be me, but I think that it makes the sentence sound kind of awkward. Maybe you could rephrase it so that it flows better?

Except for that, I didn't notice anything that was really out of place. Your grammar and the flow of this is very, very good. Sorry if I'm not helping much, I feel so useless... :|

Really, my main critique about this is that it can be a bit confusing at times. I found it especially confusing at the beginning. Like Suzanne said, as he story went on, it became clearer. This is probably just me being thick, but I still wasn't entirely sure where the setting of this was. I understand that it was in Switzerland, I think it was anyway. I just wasn't sure where exactly your MC and his father were. I think that you could clear that up a bit. It might be as clear as glass, but I'm just not quite grasping it. It just seemed a bit confusing to me, that's all. :)

Except for this, I can't really think of anything else to critique. Nothing that Suzanne hasn't mentioned, anyway. I agree with her when she said that there is no real conflict in this. I love the idea of the story itself, I just don't see much conflict. This doesn't actually bother me all that much though because the details of this story make up for it. I love how you varied your verbs and your adjectives. Not many readers notice those little details much any more, but they can really make a story. Just thought I'd mention. :wink:

Sorry this review hasn't been much help... at all. I couldn't find much to critique at all really. Especially something that Suzanne hadn't already commented on.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 1:42 am
Antigone Cadmus says...



Thanks for the review, Skins! Um, they're actually in Svalbard... it's an island off the coast of Russia and Scandanavia. I guess I need to clear that up?
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 10:18 pm
LaBelletrist says...



Little nitpicks:

"He only knows two things:
It’s always snowing.
He’ll never get out of it."

I feel like there should be an "and" in there, or a numbering of the things - it's a little awkward without it.

"“Haven’t been warm since I was twelve, then,” he mutters."
I thought he was sixteen? And if he was there for ten years... is this a typo, or did something relevant happen at 12?

"You speak Russian."
This point is confusing if you don't know what other language they would be speaking, especially since the location is a place many readers aren't familiar with -- maybe make a small mention of the "native language" of the locale earlier in the story.

As for bigger things:

I think more development needs to be made with the father. At first he is shown being harsh to the child, but yet by the end he sends him to Russia alone. This trust in his son is not previously shown - especially since he himself notes that his son never listens. Naming the project after the legend - while knowing the legend's end - also seems uncharacteristic. These actions don't really add up unless the father was purposely trying to kill his son. (Which is a very interesting idea... but maybe not what you were trying to do here?)
I also agree with Suzanne in that

That said, your prose is stunning. Everything was written beautifully and I could definitely visualize it -- especially the setting. Great job!
  





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Tue May 18, 2010 6:14 pm
napalmerski says...



Yo,
nice story, and I almost relaxed into expecting a longer adventure to unfold, before the ice cracked. It is Icarus after all:) Nice way of turning the heat of the original fable into the ice of your post appocalypse interpretation.
So, here's my feedback'n'advice

only a blinding burst of white, sped from the north with - tenses. 'sped' is 'speeding'

The boy sighs and his breath condenses and swirls for a moment before dissipating. He shivers again. “Shouldn’t snow in September.” The words smoke from his purple lips in the frigid air.
- The last sentence is not needed. Left like this it breaks the rhythm and seems to repeat stuff that has just been said. I suggest you chop it up and insert the bits into the previous two. Let his breath swirl in the frigid air and let him speak with purple lips.

His name tickles the back of his neck, rustling the fur at his coat collar. - haha. I have no idea what you mean, but this is awesome. James Joyce on acid?

It is silent for a moment and an artificial light flickers halfheartedly, sounding much louder than it should. - what is 'it' that is being silent? You need to tweak something there

“I knew that,” he says, spite dripping from his lips, steaming on the frozen floor. - another awesome JJ on acid sentence. But! In this context:
The voice tuts softly. “Svalbard. Average temperature of four degrees Celsius in the summer.”
“I knew that,” he says, spite dripping from his lips, steaming on the frozen floor
. - this is a place in the story where you can no longer escape confusion of who is speaking, unless you either start giving them names, or describing them. Perhaps as the voice tuts softly, you can add that it's the warm voice /so that we know its the geezer/ and it can already say 'Alexi', so that we know that it is Alexi who answers.

The voice is infuriatingly calm and steady in his ears. Red blossoms over his face like a wound, spreading to the tips of his ears. - and here too. Help the reader understand what's going on, without having to check up on previous sentences, by giving names or descriptions of characters. For instance this - “How so?” The voice belongs to a man of middle age, his already gray hair turning white in splotches.- I think should be thrown into the beginning, as the character appears, not that late.

The word seems heavy, final. It thuds on the ground like lead between the two. - third awesome sentence:)

Sleep claws at his vision and almost grabs him back until something rolls him out of his bed. - hey. This is actually a sentence I wish I had written. Pretty good.

and he ushers for Alexi to see. - and this doesn't work at all

Bending down, he sees nothing. - identity issues again. The last character to do something is dad. So this 'he' is automatically dad as well, unless you say 'the boy' or something

A blast of cold air rushes in at subarctic temperatures, stinging and biting - 'at' is correct if you describe speed. The way it is now is not quite... erm... I suggest you compress it all into something like 'A blast of cold subarctic air rushes in, stinging and biting.'

And negative twelve in the winter, - is that future speak? Or scientist speak? How about 'minus twelve'?:)

He begins to doze but his body keeps working until he notices there’s no one in front of him, only a blue white haze.
- this is something which one expects to happen after hours or at least dozens of minutes of doing something. Here it seems like he was woken up, then follows his dad, then suddenly starts dozing. Or is he still not fully awake to begin with? Spell it out for the reader pls.

He pauses and lets the gravity sink in, but it floats over Alexi’s head
/bravo, sound of clapping/

You got talent! Just sweat and brush up on your prose structure, and sooner or later, combined with the talent, it will all lead to awesome texts /as opposed to awesome bursts/
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard
  








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