Young Writers Society

Okay, before you go saying how bad this is, let me get one thing straight: I have no memory of writing this, and it was saved on my computer around one in the morning. This leads me to believe that I am a weird, but talented sleep-writer.

Yellow daiseies in a blue field,
sun shining greener than ever I've feeled.
Stars liquid blackly the indigo sky.
Strawberry lemonade straw in the my.
And love with pink lip gloss, tender and new.
Smiley face mouth open wide after you.
Fuzzy white oceans with little lost boats.
Sea cucumber islands,
blue water in moats.

See the dark clouds how I wish they were tall.
See the black rain how it falls from them all.
See the little vessel lost in the sea.
Just like your heart as it goes after me.
Puffy white wastelands viewed from above.
Never a coo from the heart of a dove.
Little blue eyes how they sparkle like new.
Apricot softness that one cannot chew.

Laughing masks sadness,
sadness masks mad,
blue skies are angry,
black skies are sad.
Windy gray days oh how lovely they are.
Cherry light chocolate floors never marr.

Little green dress with a jumper of jeans.
Grandparents piano tab space for its means.
Little black keyboard under the sky.
Play in the stream, let your life pass you by.



So yup. This sounds like a deranged modern nursery rhyme, if you ask me.

Haha! I actually liked it! Some if it didn't make sense to me, but that made it even cuter. It's just so fresh and sweet and I just love it! No seriously, I don't think why you think it's not that great, because it's awesome! You're one very talented sleep writer !
Here are some of the parts that I especially liked!

Dreamy115 wrote:sun shining greener than ever I've feeled.

Haha, the fact that it's shining 'greener' made me laugh :L

Dreamy115 wrote:And love with pink lip gloss, tender and new.

I found this really sweet, how you related love to pink lip gloss :L

Dreamy115 wrote:Laughing masks sadness,
sadness masks mad,
blue skies are angry,
black skies are sad.
Windy gray days oh how lovely they are.
Cherry light chocolate floors never marr.

----> This whole paragraph made me go 'awww', so my English teacher would describe it as emotive language. I like how you called the blue skies angry and the black skies sad, usually it's the other way around :L
The part about the gray days being lovely also made me laugh, again a very original thought, usually gray has connotations of sadness :L

I don't know what's with me today, but I can't offer any criticisms on people's work! Maybe, it's just that it's perfect!

I loved it! Fresh, new, original!

Thank you!

Hey Dreamy
Here as requested!

Yellow daiseies in a blue field,
sun shining greener than ever I've feeled Technically, this should be felt. It doesn't bother me too much though, to be honest.
Stars liquid blackly the indigo sky.
Strawberry lemonade straw in the my Word missing? .
And love with pink lip gloss, tender and new.
Smiley face mouth open wide after you.
Fuzzy white oceans with little lost boats.
Sea cucumber islands,
blue water in moats.

This makes no sense to me whatsoever, but I like it. I'm weird like that. If I was some really harsh critique, I'd probably be ripping you to shreds right now. Although, some of your descriptions were actually very nice, even if they didn't make much sense.

See the dark clouds? How I wish they were tall.
Tall clouds...?
See the black rain? How it falls from them all.
See the little vessel lost in the sea?
Just like your heart as it goes after me.
Puffy white wastelands viewed from above.
Never a coo from the heart of a dove.
Little blue eyes how they sparkle like new.
Apricot softness that one cannot chew.
I really liked this stanza actually. The whole question mark thing was a suggestion, by the way. Also, you don't need a punctuation mark at the end of every line, especially not always a period!

Laughing masks sadness,
sadness masks mad,
blue skies are angry,
black skies are sad.
Windy gray days, oh how lovely they are.
Cherry light chocolate floors never marr.
Once agian, this didn't make complete sense, but I liked it.

Little green dress with a jumper of jeans.
Right... okay...
Grandparents piano tab space for its means.
Little black keyboard under the sky.
Once again... okay...?

Overall

This made no sense whatsoever... but I really liked it! It was so... so random. It was great! If I was some harsh critique, I would probably be on my way to your house with a sledgehammer right now. Luckily for you, I'm not. To be honest, I think that without the randomness in this, it wouldn't be half as good. I think that the fact that it doesn't make much sense makes this poem good. Also, I agree with what you said; it kind of sounds like a deranged modern nursery rhyme. I like it!

There were a few grammar issues in this but nothing major. Not many people know this but you don't need a grammar mark at the end of every line in a poem. In fact, the less grammar you use, the better. Or at least that's what I think, anyway. Only include grammar at the end of a line if you feel that it is really, really needed. It's also rather clear that you wrote this at, like, one in the morning. You must have been pretty tired. For example, you did miss out one word at one point, I think you should sort that out. Ah well, I like it. So yeah.

I haven't really got much else to say about this. It was random and completely whack, but I loved it! Even though your descriptions were random and didn't make much sense, they were actually very good. You created some nice imagery in my head, even if the imagery was a bit on the weird side. That's what I loved, in fact.

I'm sorry this hasn't been much help, I'm not really sure how to critique something like this! Anyways, yeah... I loved it! If you want another review fro me, hopefully a better one, just ask me in my WRFF thread.

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

Play in the stream, let your life pass you by.

Hey Dreamy!

I really liked this poem. I once heard that things we do subconsciously are often the best, or at least the most interesting. It's weird and demented, but at the same time so appealing. I can totally see this as within the ranks of rhymes like Humpty Dumpty and Jack and Jill. But if this doesn't rhyme, does that make it just a nursery.

Anyway, one thing I want to take note of is your excessive amount of color-related imagery. While that can be okay, you only have eight adjectives that are not color related, and you should always try to be a little diverse. Some of the color-related things don't even really make sense.

Stars liquid blackly the indigo sky

Blackly? What's that supposed to mean? Bleak or Dark?

Yeah, anyway. Readers like being treated to diverse and different things, and not just reading the same thing sentence after sentence. While color is important, there are a lot of other ways you can describe things; such as shape, texture, emotion, etc.

Hope this helps! Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Thanks, Skins and Elinor. Haha, yeah, my asleep self has some issues with adjectives and...making sense in general.Just about every word was misspelled before I put it on here, too, but I did a little bit of fixing. Thanks again!

I like the poem. It sorta is rather abstract, some lines might not make any sense to others, but just remember that they have to make sense to YOU.

From my point of view, yo ushould've used less um.. what's the word for it... naming things..? You should've put a bit more verbs.

And I don't think any of the words sounds weird or anything. C'mon, how many new words have been made to suit one's poem in the past! As long as it doens't sound out of place or just ridiculous, it's alright.

Thanks!

Hey, WritingWords here with the super-fast reply you requested.

First of all, I think it's so neat that you can write a poem while sleeping! The words sound like a real published poem, except they sometimes don't make much sense. It was funny to read, though. It seems your mind was muddled when you wrote this!

Second, mistakes in grammar and spelling.

Yellow daiseies in a blue field,
sun shining greener than ever I've feeled.

I mean, I know that you want to show people you wrote this when you were sleeping. Can't you at least read it over and change the spelling mistakes? It had a bad impression when there was a spelling error in the first line.

Third, nonsense. A few lines really don't make sense at all. Some are just really random. Stick to the point of the stanza! Like the piano stanza, what was that about?

Fourth, I like your descriptions: Apricot softness you cannot chew, or something. It seems to me you were in love when you wrote this in your sleep!

All in all, great writing for something done in sleep! PM me with any more reviews or questions! Or, you can visit my Topic in the forum.

Haha thanks. Sorry, originally every word was misspelled. Day was spelled dsy, pink was spelled pnk.... you get the idea. Sorry I didn't catch them all. O-o

Okay, I woke up this morn brushing my teeth. How does one brush their teeth while asleep? I dunno. This is just weird.