Young Writers Society

Hi! Well this is a report for unit assignment (worth points) and I'd love your harsh critiques on this. Feel free to rip it. Just a note though, this is the format we're supposed to follow, so please don't critique that.
Also; I've bracketed those names which I'd rather not post here.

Okie, that's it. Now review. ^^

Oh, just a teeny note: Since we need to write things like these for our uni exmas which will be corrected by some random person (who will mostly not know English) evaluates the amount. So I've been trying to write a lot, yet something that doesn't have just crap in it.
--------------------------------
Deleted for editing.

Er... I'm not done yet! I have to go to class! But here is what I have so far. You tend to be far wordier than you need to be and often use the passive voice when active voice is far better.

Dear Sir:

This report concerns the industrial visit by the first year students to [comp. name] on 28 April 2010. This is a report on an industrial visit that the first year students have undertaken (right word?) to [comp. name] on 28 April 2010.

AIM & OBJECTIVE:

As students of an engineering course, expeditions to the industrial plants provide us with an insights on various aspects of the professional world. It engages us in active learning, one that complements our theoretical studies in the classes. As environmental degradation is one of the major concerns of this present age, a visit to a recycling plant would increases our awareness on viable eco-friendly projectsthat can be done. In this particular visit, we were taken to a paper recycling plant to look at the various methods involved in recycling paper and efficient management of the plant’s waste. It also helped us to witness employee-employer interaction.(Please tell me how to phrase this; I don’t think I’m getting it right.) <-- I'll get back to this, honest.



THE PLANNING: (Any alternate suggestion?)

A one-day visit was planned to [comp. name.] [Dr.Name], the Assistant Professor in the Department of Applied Chemistry, on the behalf of the second semester biotech students, sent a letter to the Managing Director if the company, seeking permission for us, about fifty five students to visit their plant at Panapakkam for one day from 11.00 hours to 14.30 hours so that it would help us improve our knowledge.

As requested, we were allotted one of the college buses for this trip. We started at 10.30 hours, to reach the plant around 11.30.

THE VISIT:

[Mr.Name], one of the senior-level employees at [comp.name] met us at the reception. We were instructed to follow their orders carefully and not to touch their heavy machinery without prior permission. We were also divided into two groups to make their task of explaining things to us easier.

THE PROCESS:

The plant takes in waste paper and cardboard and processes it until it is recycled into a type of paper made for packaging of a few different GSMs. The process begins with large bundles of paper, What kinds of paper? Be specific! on a conveyor belt that drop into a shredder where it is mixed with water to create a pulp. The excess water is removed using steam generatorsafter which, tThe pulp is screened to remove contaminants and separate the long fibers from the short ones. The long fibers are the ones that are used in the creation of recycled paper as it provides better strength. The impurities in the pulp are removed by chemical methods What kinds? Did they mention?and then, they are pressed flat onto belts. These belts pass under a rapid drying system which uses steam to dry the wet pulp. The dried sheets of paper pulp are then passed through numerous rollers that are heated internally. These rollers help in layering multiple layers of layer the pulp to produce the desired thickness. They are also coated with certain chemicals to give them a glazed glossy finish. The sheet is finally passed through compressing rollers and rolled onto a rod to form large rolls of recycled paper. It can also be cut into cylinders of varying heights using cutters.

The short fibers, waste water, and spent steam are taken out through various outlets to an effluent treatment plant where the water needed for the main plant’s process is recovered mainly using limestone and screening processes. This water is sent to large burning chamber, where wood is burned to generate the steam required.

CONCLUSIONS:

This visit was very informative as well as enjoyable. Be more specific.This has opened our eyes to large scale recycling methods and methods of sustainable development. Talk about seeing a professional work world here... the other place in inappropriate.



Your sincerely, Either "Yours sincerely" or "Sincerely yours" or just "Sincerely" (all of those have a comma after it too). What you wrote is just odd

[Name.]

Thanks Rina!

And yes, I meant it to be Yours sincerely (sorry for that typo.)

-Message me when you put the edited version back up and I'll review it for you

Same goes for me - flick me a PM when you've used Snoink's advice and spruced it up a bit!

And it's SO GOOD to see someone actively taking people's advice into account before they beg for more reviews! This shows a real willingness to improve, assures us that we're not wasting our time, and probably saves us a lot of time in not having to repeat one another in saying the same thing.