z

Young Writers Society


Survive Chapter Three



User avatar
30 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9182
Reviews: 30
Thu Apr 22, 2010 1:15 am
RayquazaKid says...



Hello everyone. I would like to present the third chapter of my story Survive. In case you have not read the other two chapters, they can be found here
This one is a little bit different than the others, as this is the beginning of a small sub plot that ties into the main plot later (and actually foreshadows for the main plot in a way). Here it is.

Forest

Deep within the forest away from the village, a dark figure stirred.

A serpent slithered his way across the floor of the woods, weaving through the trees as he went along. It was a bit difficult for someone of his size, he was fifty feet long, but he still made no trouble about it. Nothing stood in his way as he went through; whatever did was simply pushed aside by his gargantuan body that was a diameter of two feet. He was a very narrow serpent, but that was a fact he liked.

The one called Sermander was very proud to call himself a snake.

Granted however, he wasn’t just a snake. There were some parts of him that went above and beyond the limits of nature. He was of a supernatural build. Sermander was a god.

He was a happy snake, which was clearly shown on his face, his yellow eyes almost sparkling with passion, and his mouth in a smile of content, showing his giant fangs to the world.

As he crawled his way southward, away from the mountains he had just departed from, he came to a cliff. The moon could be seen in the sky above, hovering over the world. He looked up at it, and out of respect flicked his tongue out to the moon. It is different from doing so out of annoyance, as the eyes are more opened and relaxed.

He looked downward; the ground below had to be more than one hundred fifty feet away. It was a pretty easy distance for someone like him however, so there wasn’t a problem.

He carried himself five feet over the edge to allow a little flexing room, before resting his head against the rock wall. If there was one thing he learned, it was that continuously contacting the edge on the way down as he slithered was a rather unpleasant experience. If he were to form an arc over and around the edge, he would be safe. That was exactly what he did.

Far below, a frog resting on a lily pad looked up toward the cliff to see a dark slender figure making its way down the face of the cliff.

Sermander could feel the frog’s presence, and was slightly alarmed that it had noticed. That was what Sermander had been afraid of; he would easily be noticed upon the face of the rock. Apprehensively he stopped to lift his head up, trying to get a good look of the wide-open space before him. He was hoping his enemy, the great bird-god Euphredia had not seen him.

All was clear. Good.

He continued downward. A moment later he had a thought. It did feel nice to have his tail touched a surface, instead of flapping helplessly in the air as it rounded the edge of the cliff. His whole body was now in contact with the side of the rock; he could speed up now, and would not have to be up there any longer.

He detested Euphredia, she had many times threatened to devour him whole, and one time even attempting to carry out said threat, though Sermander was able to fend her off. He had lost some of his best friends to the giant eagle, each death still angering him to this day.

His thoughts about her broke as he reached the ground. Safety.

Up ahead, he saw something he had not noticed before. It was faint, so it had to be far away. It held a reddish glow in the darkness of the forest ahead of him. His first guess was a grim one; Humans.

“Unacceptable,” he could not help say quietly to himself as he went to investigate. He didn’t like what he was seeing; the mere notion of humans being in the forest was outrageous. Something had to be done.

He quietly yet quickly made his way toward the light, which as he came closer gained a flicker to it. He could tell he wasn’t far away from it now, he could now see there were figures around the light source. Then, he came close enough to see the individual sparks of the flame dancing about as the figures, which could now be out to be humans, lay around it. He was also within earshot, so he stopped and listened in.

He made sure he was well hidden. He decided he would change his size to that of a common snake; no longer than a yard. He focused all the energy he had remaining and swirled it around the insides of his body. He commanded with his mind to make his body smaller. Soon, his scales gained a slight glimmer as the power began to take effect.

In a moment, the transformation was complete. He was now only three feet long. His proportions held quite nicely, which Sermander was deeply grateful for. His grey body still reflected the firelight, but he was far less noticeable. With a sense of security and invisibility, he looked back on the camp.

Three of them were dressed in shirts and pants, dirtied from a lack of washing. Their turn shoes were off, leaving only their socks on their toes.

On one of the shoes was a pair of fake teeth, belonging to the one named Jason, who had been stripped of his real teeth in a devastating accident. Sometimes his slovenliness was detested by his comrades.

The second man, Kostell, was cleaning his sword with some leaves he had found; he had not come to own a towel recently. Out of the three of them, he was the only one with dark skin. However, besides Cruse, he was also very bright, and was well respected.

The third man, whom Sermander could tell was the leader, slid a finger across his mustache while staring at the fire intently, as if it would inspire him. His name was Cruse.

Each of the men was sitting on a log that had been dragged from the forest, each sitting toward the campfire. Behind them lay their belongings, and their armor, which they had taken off for the night. Behind their leader was the horses, all tied to a nearby tree.

The fourth man however, was noticeably different. He still had his black armor on, as if ready for an impending attack. His name was Yazog, his last name discarded a long time ago. That wasn't what caught Sermander's attention, what did was Yazog's long silver hair that went down past his shoulder blades.

Sermander stopped. He sat there for a moment, observing the scene, and thinking of a way to rectify the situation. He noticed one of them was looking in his direction with a cold look on his face, the one named Yazog. However, he could not tell if he had been seen by this human or not.

“There’s something there,” Yazog said finally, his eyes narrowing, and his hand reaching for his weapon on his belt. At once, Cruse and Kostell, followed by Jason looked in the same direction.

That answered Sermander’s question, which he was thankful for, although the response wasn’t the one he was hoping for. He didn’t have any more time to think of a good plan. Ah well, he thought, I guess I will have to play this by ear.

He didn’t waste time. He quickly went back to his normal size of fifty feet as he dashed outward on the men. Before he lost the element of surprise, which he would lose as soon as they stood up, he would need to overwhelm them. His fangs were bared, ready to chomp down on the closest member of the little gathering; the shriek that exited his mouth was almost enough to shatter Jason’s eardrum.

The one named Kostell was the closest; he would be the first victim. Sermander shifted and came down full force toward Kostell, who unfortunately for the serpent was able to roll leftward out of the way just in time.

The others took the opportunity to stand and draw their weapons, disregarding their lack of armor. In-fact, they all knew that it would do them no good against the giant snake, which could easily have the biting power of two hundred thousand pounds of force. They didn’t know, however, how right they were.

Yazog, however, had been ready to fight the whole time, and took charge of the situation. He flung himself at the serpent, his five foot katana at the ready.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sermander could see Yazog’s approach, and quickly withdrew himself out of the way, preparing himself for another attack. As he witnessed the human recover, he quickly circled around the four men with a speed they were unable to track, they could not rotate their heads fast enough to keep sight of the snake. When he was behind them he lunged again, going after no one in particular this time.

Once again, Yazog was fast. He was up and in front before Sermander had predicted, and this surprised the serpent. He knew a sword would be coming his way, so he improvised. When they came close he used his fangs to block the attack from the sword, taking care not to let it slip up or down into the gums of his mouth.

Yazog stepped back for a split-second, repositioning his hands and swinging from the other direction. Again, Sermander successfully blocked it with his teeth.

The other three humans soon came at Sermander. However, Sermander was able to fend them off by bringing his tail to the front and using it to whack them. They didn't stand a chance.

At the same time Sermander was fighting Yazog with his teeth. This proved to be far more difficult than fighting off the other humans, as Yazog was displaying greater skill than the other three put together.

Then one of them, Jason, came to his head and started attacking that along side Yazog. Sermander decided to make a point by biting down one Jason's sword. He didn't bit hard enough to crush it, but enough to crumple the joint. Sermander then swung his head around, throwing the sword. Since Jason didn't let go, he was also thrown when Sermander flung the sword.

The serpent then decided to end it. The fight had already gone for to long as it was, Sermander didn't want it to last any longer. I should use my energy beam...he thought

He withdrew a few feet, and summoned a substantial amount of energy from within, and gathered it all at the forefront of his mouth. To the humans this looked like a light had formed inside the snake’s mouth, and three of them immediately quivered in fear. Just as Sermander predicted, Yazog was not fazed, in-fact the human looked even more determined than before.

He then let the energy out in a single burst, and through it all he could hear the screams as they cowered in fear, thinking their times had come.

However, that was not the case. The energy beam had been cut through by Yazog’s sword, which completely dissipated the attack.

Sermander was taken aback. How in the…?!? he thought to himself, physically hesitating.

The human smirked to himself; he took advantage of the serpent’s state of inert and jumped up toward the right side of the serpents head. At this Sermander moved to dodge the attack, but as it turned out, he was too late. In one clean stroke, the human created a deep line in Sermander’s flesh, starting from a foot behind the mouth, and going five feet down the body.

Sermander was surprised the human was able to penetrate his defenses, mainly an invisible force-field half an inch from his body that could block any weapon attack. He didn’t understand how Yazog could do it.

However, he had not time to think deeply about it. Sermander’s train of thought was completely destroyed as the terrible sense of pain suddenly made it self known. He doubled over in pain, but got up quickly, his instinct taking over. He suddenly had the irresistible urge to flee, which he agreed with. He had to get out before the human had the chance of landing another hit like the one before.

He quickly turned, evacuating as fast as he could before more damage could be done. His trail was marked with a long uninterrupted trail of blood. He could faintly hear loud cries behind him as the humans yelled out in victory, holding their weapons high above their heads. Only one of them stood still, with a thoughtful scowl on his face.

He raced along as quickly as he could without further injury, fearful for his life. He did not know if the human would follow him, and was too afraid to stop and find out.

When he was absolutely sure he was far enough away, which was a good two miles from the campsite, he stopped. The pain was excruciating, he could barely endure it. It felt as if a whole section of his body had suddenly been ripped asunder. A pool of blood appeared underneath him; the wound was still fresh and he was bleeding profusely.

He collapsed on the spot, drained of his energy not only from the blood-loss, but also the energy he had used for his energy beam attack and for the quick escape he had made. He was still frightened out of his wits, which did not help the situation; he was shaking all over as the nerves in his body repeatedly sent him the same information about the wound to his brain in a flurry.

It was nearly half an hour before he was able to gain some sort of composure, during which the exodus of blood ended when the clot formed. The shaking had decreased as well, but that was still there. It was because of a more mental reason now than it was a physical one.

He fearfully looked backward from where he had come, piecing together what had just happened. After three minutes the last piece of the puzzle was seemingly put in place. It was a question, to which he did not know the answer to but if it was what he thought it was, then the explanation for what had happened would actually be feasible.

Was that a demon?!?


Please tell me what you think :)
Call me RK :)
  





User avatar
1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:14 pm
Sins says...



Hey RK.

Here for your review :wink:

Forest

Deep within the forest away from the village, a dark figure stirred. Oooo... I liked this opening sentence! :lol:

A serpent slithered his way across the floor of the woods, weaving through the trees as he went along. It was a bit difficult for someone of his size, he was fifty feet long, but he still made no trouble about it. Nothing stood in his way as he went through; whatever did was simply pushed aside by his gargantuan body that was a diameter of two feet. He was a very narrow serpent, but This is more of a suggestion really, but I think that the word 'and' would sound better here. that was a fact he liked.

The one called Sermander was very proud to call himself a snake.

Granted however, he wasn’t just a snake. There were some parts of him that went above and beyond the limits of nature. He was of a supernatural build. Sermander was a g I think that the g does need to be capitalozed here. od.

He was a happy snake, which was clearly shown on his face, his yellow eyes almost sparkling with passion, and his mouth in a smile of content, showing his giant fangs to the world. This sentence is a bit too long, try turning it into two sentences or something.

As he crawled his way southward, away from the mountains he had just departed from, he came to a cliff. The moon could be seen in the sky above, hovering over the world. He looked up at it, and out of respect, flicked his tongue out to the moon. It is different from doing so out of annoyance, as the eyes are more opened and relaxed.

He looked downward; the ground below had to be more than one hundred fifty feet away. It was a pretty easy distance for someone like him however, so there wasn’t a problem.

He carried himself five feet over the edge to allow a little flexing room, before resting his head against the rock wall. If there was one thing he learned, it was that continuously contacting the edge on the way down as he slithered was a rather unpleasant experience. If he were to form an arc over and around the edge, he would be safe. That was exactly what he did.

Far below, a frog resting on a lily pad looked up toward the cliff to see a dark slender figure making its way down the face of the cliff.

Sermander could feel the frog’s presence, and was slightly alarmed that it had noticed. That was what Sermander had been afraid of; he would easily be noticed upon the face of the rock. Apprehensively he stopped to lift his head up, trying to get a good look of the wide-open space before him. He was hoping his enemy, the great bird-god Euphredia had not seen him.

All was clear. Good.

He continued downward. A moment later he had a thought. It did feel nice to have his tail touched a surface, instead of flapping helplessly in the air as it rounded the edge of the cliff. His whole body was now in contact with the side of the rock; he could speed up now, and would not have to be up there any longer.

He detested Euphredia; she had many times threatened to devour him whole, and one time even attempting to carry out said threat, though Sermander was able to fend her off. He had lost some of his best friends to the giant eagle, each death still angering him to this day.

His thoughts about her broke as he reached the ground. Safety.

Up ahead, he saw something he had not noticed before. It was faint, so it had to be far away. It held a reddish glow in the darkness of the forest ahead of him. His first guess was a grim one; Humans.

“Unacceptable,” he could not help say quietly to himself as he went to investigate. He didn’t like what he was seeing; the mere notion of humans being in the forest was outrageous. Something had to be done.

He quietly, yet quickly, made his way toward the light, which as he came closer gained a flicker to it. He could tell he wasn’t far away from it now, he could now see there were figures around the light source. Then, he came close enough to see the individual sparks of the flame dancing about I'm not sure why, but I really liked this! as the figures, which could now be out to be humans, lay around it. He was also within earshot, so he stopped and listened in.

He made sure he was well hidden. He decided he would change his size to that of a common snake; no longer than a yard. He focused all the energy he had remaining and swirled it around the insides of his body. He commanded with his mind to make his body smaller. Soon, his scales gained a slight glimmer as the power began to take effect.

In a moment, the transformation was complete. He was now only three feet long. His proportions held quite nicely, which Sermander was deeply grateful for. His grey body still reflected the firelight, but he was far less noticeable. With a sense of security and invisibility, he looked back on the camp.

Three of them were dressed in shirts and pants, dirtied from a lack of washing. Their turn shoes were off, leaving only their socks on their toes.

On one of the shoes was a pair of fake teeth, belonging to the one named Jason, who had been stripped of his real teeth in a devastating accident. Sometimes his slovenliness was detested by his comrades.

The second man, Kostell, was cleaning his sword with some leaves he had found; he had not come to own a towel recently. Out of the three of them, he was the only one with dark skin. However, besides Cruse, he was also very bright, and was well respected.

The third man, whom Sermander could tell was the leader, slid a finger across his mustache while staring at the fire intently, as if it would inspire him. His name was Cruse.

Each of the men were sitting on a log that had been dragged from the forest, each sitting toward the campfire. Behind them lay their belongings, and their armor, which they had taken off for the night. Behind their leader was the horses, all tied to a nearby tree.

The fourth man however, was noticeably different. He still had his black armor on, as if ready for an impending attack. His name was Yazog, his last name discarded a long time ago. That wasn't what caught Sermander's attention; what did was Yazog's long silver hair that went down past his shoulder blades.

Sermander stopped. He sat there for a moment, observing the scene, and thinking of a way to rectify the situation. He noticed one of them was looking in his direction with a cold look on his face, the one named Yazog. However, he could not tell if he had been seen by this human or not.

“There’s something there,” Yazog said finally, his eyes narrowing, and his hand reaching for his weapon on his belt. At once, Cruse and Kostell, followed by Jason looked in the same direction.

That answered Sermander’s question, which he was thankful for, although the response wasn’t the one he was hoping for. He didn’t have any more time to think of a good plan. Ah well, he thought, I guess I will have to play this by ear.

He didn’t waste time. He quickly went back to his normal size of fifty feet as he dashed outward on the men. Before he lost the element of surprise, which he would lose as soon as they stood up, he would need to overwhelm them. His fangs were bared, ready to chomp down on the closest member of the little gathering; the shriek that exited his mouth was almost enough to shatter Jason’s eardrum.

The one named Kostell was the closest; he would be the first victim. Sermander shifted and came down full force toward Kostell, who unfortunately for the serpent was able to roll leftward out of the way just in time.

The others took the opportunity to stand and draw their weapons, disregarding their lack of armor. In-fact, they all knew that it would do them no good against the giant snake, which could easily have the biting power of two hundred thousand pounds of force. They didn’t know, however, how right they were.

Yazog, however, had been ready to fight the whole time, and took charge of the situation. He flung himself at the serpent, his five foot katana at the ready.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sermander could see Yazog’s approach, and quickly withdrew himself out of the way, preparing himself for another attack. As he witnessed the human recover, he quickly circled around the four men with a speed they were unable to track. They could not rotate their heads fast enough to keep sight of the snake. When he was behind them he lunged again, going after no one in particular this time.

Once again, Yazog was fast. He was up and in front before Sermander had predicted, and this surprised the serpent. He knew a sword would be coming his way, so he improvised. When they came close, he used his fangs to block the attack from the sword, taking care not to let it slip up or down into the gums of his mouth.

Yazog stepped back for a split-second, repositioning his hands and swinging from the other direction. Again, Sermander successfully blocked it with his teeth.

The other three humans soon came at Sermander. However, Sermander was able to fend them off by bringing his tail to the front and using it to whack them. They didn't stand a chance.

At the same time Sermander was fighting Yazog with his teeth. This proved to be far more difficult than fighting off the other humans, as Yazog was displaying greater skill than the other three put together.

Then one of them, Jason, came to his head and started attacking that along side Yazog. Sermander decided to make a point by biting down one Jason's sword. He didn't bite hard enough to crush it, but enough to crumple the joint. Sermander then swung his head around, throwing the sword. Since Jason didn't let go, he was also thrown when Sermander flung the sword.

The serpent then decided to end it. The fight had already gone on for too long as it was, Sermander didn't want it to last any longer. I should use my energy beam...he thought

He withdrew a few feet, and summoned a substantial amount of energy from within, and gathered it all at the forefront of his mouth. To the humans this looked like a light had formed inside the snake’s mouth, and the three of them immediately quivered in fear. Just as Sermander predicted, Yazog was not fazed, in-fact the human looked even more determined than before.

He then let the energy out in a single burst, and through it all he could hear the screams as they cowered in fear, thinking their times had come.

However, that was not the case. The energy beam had been cut through by Yazog’s sword, which completely dissipated the attack.

Sermander was taken aback. How in the…?!? he thought to himself, physically hesitating.

The human smirked to himself; he took advantage of the serpent’s state of inert and jumped up toward the right side of the serpents head. At this Sermander moved to dodge the attack, but as it turned out, he was too late. In one clean stroke, the human created a deep line in Sermander’s flesh, starting from a foot behind the mouth, and going five feet down the body. Woop! Go Yazog! :lol:

Sermander was surprised the human was able to penetrate his defenses, mainly an invisible force-field half an inch from his body that could block any weapon attack. He didn’t understand how Yazog could do it.

However, he had not time to think deeply about it. Sermander’s train of thought was completely destroyed as the terrible sense of pain suddenly made it self known. He doubled over in pain, but got up quickly, his instinct taking over. He suddenly had the irresistible urge to flee, which he agreed with. He had to get out before the human had the chance of landing another hit like the one before.

He quickly turned, evacuating as fast as he could before more damage could be done. His trail was marked with a long uninterrupted trail of blood. He could faintly hear loud cries behind him as the humans yelled out in victory, holding their weapons high above their heads. Only one of them stood still, with a thoughtful scowl on his face.

He raced along as quickly as he could without further injury, fearful for his life. He did not know if the human would follow him, and was too afraid to stop and find out.

When he was absolutely sure he was far enough away, which was a good two miles from the campsite, he stopped. The pain was excruciating, he could barely endure it. It felt as if a whole section of his body had suddenly been ripped asunder. A pool of blood appeared underneath him; the wound was still fresh and he was bleeding profusely.

He collapsed on the spot, drained of his energy not only from the blood-loss, but also the energy he had used for his energy beam attack and for the quick escape he had made. He was still frightened out of his wits, which did not help the situation; he was shaking all over as the nerves in his body repeatedly sent him the same information about the wound to his brain in a flurry. I liked this!

It was nearly half an hour before he was able to gain some sort of composure, during which the exodus of blood ended when the clot formed. The shaking had decreased as well, but that was still there. It was because of a more mental reason now than it was a physical one.

He fearfully looked backward from where he had come, piecing together what had just happened. After three minutes, the last piece of the puzzle was seemingly put into place. It was a question, to which he did not know the answer to but if it was what he thought it was, then the explanation for what had happened would actually be feasible.

Was that a demon?!?


This was a good chapter as a whole! Well done. :wink:

As a whole, the grammar was very good. Although, sometimes you make sentences longer than they need to be. This is pretty easy to sort out though.

Also, you tend to repeat the same words quite often. For example, you use 'and' and 'however' a bit too much. Just try varying your words a bit. Replace the 'and' with a comma or something. :)

Nit-picks aside, I really love your writing style. Even though this isn't really the kind of genre I like to read, this story is definitely an exception. I especially like the way you describe battle scenes, they're very enjoyable to read. You are good at describing pretty much everything actually! :)

If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





User avatar
30 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9182
Reviews: 30
Thu Apr 22, 2010 9:49 pm
RayquazaKid says...



thanks for the review mate :)

WIth the previous ones, I still thing god should be lowercase, as it isn't refering to an actual deity.

The long sentence, yes, I'll get right on that.

Thanks for pointing out all those errors, it really helps alot :)
Call me RK :)
  





User avatar
1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Thu Apr 22, 2010 9:50 pm
Sins says...



haha yeah! I'd just stick with the lower case god thing if I were you... I'm not good with religion... :lol:
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  








cron
He knew that elbow.
— soundofmind