Young Writers Society

The summer breeze washed over the village, covering the land in an unseen veil. I loved this as an opening sentence!

It was a shame that fear had to be felt in the village again. It was even worse to remember what had happened thirteen years ago, the chaos it had created, the lives it destroyed or simply took away.

The village had suffered many hardships during the recovery; food had gone a bit short, shelter was hard to find, and the bitter cold of winter left many outside to freeze. That had been one of the worst parts; the villagers had to spend the following spring burying the bodies.

Thankfully, things eventually went back to normal, though the impact could never be forgotten.

The humans learned, never again would they trespass into the God’s territory and take the forest for their own.

Arcadius had come awful close, but he was not at fault. Had he known the boar was in the forest again, he would have not gone into the forest. He had grown up hearing stories about the catastrophe, and did not want to be able to relive such memories, A period or a semi colon would be better here Much less cause those memories to exist in the first place.

The population was tense; the news was unsettling. Period here Especially for the older folks who had to deal with the worst of the attack all those years ago.

Though the village was still on guard, everyone was less tense about it than the day before. Arcadius I like the unique name. was sure that if Marajin wanted to attack, he would already have done so. He let his mind wander to other things.

He thought about the forest; he had already missed his stroll for today, though maybe that was a good thing. He looked upward, the forest sat on top of the hill, overlooking the wide plains that stretched for miles. At the very front of it all was their village.

Scratching his head, he let the thought go. Arcadius simply stared into the distance, toward the mountains to the north. Tomorrow he would be leaving for a town just over the mountain range. He would be gone for five days, returning on his sixteenth birthday.

“Arcadius,” he heard somebody calling his name. The source was a distance away, and from behind, but he recognized it right away.

Arcadius could tell it was Ayime Rose, his girlfriend. Her long pink hair flowed freely behind her as she approached him at full speed. It was at this he stood up to greet her.

She ran up and dove at him, as he caught her in his arms. For a moment they were twirling wildly, in danger of losing balance and falling to the ground below. However, they didn’t care; they were busy laughing, happy to see each other again.

When they calmed down, they were able to sit right at the edge of the pond, which reflected the forest on the other side of the water, as well as the mountains behind the trees. This sentence was a bit long. Try turning it into two sentences or something.

It started on a serious note. “So it’s true huh?” she asked, “You were attacked.”

“Yeah,” Arcadius looked onwards blankly.

“The village has been in a real uproar since yesterday. I couldn’t even go outside yesterday.” She frowned, “I can take care of myself fine.”

Arcadius looked over, his eyes fell on her knife, the holster of which was strapped to her leg. “I know! You’re real good with them blades, better than I am actually.”

Ayime leaned over, not averting her gaze toward the pond. “Well, I just work harder at it than you do,” she snickered.

Arcadius shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah well… I’m forgetful sometimes.” He paused, “I actually forgot to take my sword with me yesterday.” His hand rested on the four-foot broadsword beside him, “I got really lucky.”

Ayime sighed, “Yep, I dunno what I would have done if you were killed Arcadius.”

“More than anything, I was just really scared that he would attack the village again." he confessed.

Ayime looked at him sadly for a moment, before turning her gaze to the pond in front of them. “My mom still has nightmares about the last time he came.” she said with a somewhat grim expression on her face.

Arcadius was silent for a moment. “…I wonder how terrible it must have been to fight him.”

A quiet “Yeah.” was Ayime’s only reply.

“You know the only reason he even exists is because of the comet right?”

Ayime looked back over. “The one that hit five thousand years ago? Yeah I know all about that.”

“Yeah… how does that work again?”

Ayime shifted a little. “Well, the comet had some sort of… chemical in it, that when it was scattered around the world through the atmosphere, it caused mutations.” she explained.

Arcadius nodded, “And that how the do you mean they? got powers and brains, right?”

Ayime nodded. “Exactly, enough brains to hate us.” she frowned.

“And… didn’t it give some powers to humans too?”

“Uh huh, and there are people that still have powers. I dunno why everyone hates them though.”

Arcadius scowled, “It’s because they’re different.”

“Yeah sure,” Ayime refused to believe it. That was when she tried to change the subject. “Say… what do you think Earth would be like if the comet never hit?”

“Me?” Arcadius was a little surprised. He laid back in thought. “Ummm… I guess it’d be a lot different. Creatures would still be dumb, and we would be all over the place. Then we’d fight each other all the time. Maybe have a couple world wars…” He paused, before nodding, “It’d be pretty bad if you ask me.”

Ayime couldn’t help but chuckle, “That sounds about right.”

Arcadius repositioned himself to how he was before. He looked upwards, toward the mountains.

“So… you excited about going to Ryon?” her voice sounded in his ear.

“A little. It’ll be nice to be away for a while.” His voice changed into one of curiosity.

“I’ve never actually been outside the village before, except the forest, but that don’t count.” He turned his head to look at her, “Maybe someday when we’re older maybe I can take you with me.”

“I can’t wait,” Ayime grinned. Then she gave a sigh, “I can’t believe you’ll be gone for five days.”

“Neither can I.” He closed his eyes, a bit annoyed, “That’s one of the biggest reasons I don’t want to go.”

“Well… I’m rooting for ya!” she encouraged him.

“Thanks… Ayime.” he replied.

As the afternoon went on, they continued on to other, less important subjects, period here instead of comma. Mainly gossip and rumors that had been floating around the ears of the town for the past few days. When all the topics were covered, they began to discuss the various legends of the world, especially concerning Gods and demons. They were so bold as to think of who Marajin was before he attacked. Briefly, it came back to present events, but not for long.

They talked well into the night, only stopping once to go in for supper, before returning to their spots on the front of the lake. The moon in the sky was the signal that nighttime had begun, but they hardly even noticed. It was maybe not an hour after the moon took charge This was rather hard to understand. Try rephrasing it! of the sky that the light of the stars poked their way through the darkness of the sky above.

Arcadius didn't know if she would go into the topic, but his question was soon answered. “It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” Ayime asked.

Arcadius, who had been lying on his side, rolled over to face what she was talking about, “The sky?”

“Yeah!” Ayime got a bit excited, before calming down and laying back. “You know… sometimes it’s hard to imagine all that up there…” she pointed to no star in particular, “…is so far away.” She paused, “It’s weird to think they are millions of miles away.”

Arcadius nodded, “Sure is.”

“I wonder,” Ayime began, “are there other worlds like ours?”

Arcadius thought about it for a moment. “I’ll bet, but I wouldn’t want to live on any of them.”

Ayime looked over. “Why not?” she asked.

“Because you aren’t on any of them.” Aww...!

She digested this for a moment, trying to make sense of it. Then she smiled.

They both continued to watch the night sky above. An hour later, Arcadius turned to her and began to speak but then closed his mouth. He realized that she had fallen asleep on the grass beside him. He couldn’t help but smile. She looks so beautiful. Italicize your characters thoughts. It's easier to read that way. He thought to himself.

He laid his head back, once again staring up into the distant heavens. Arcadius reached out and grabbed her hand, and when he did so, he could see out of the corner of his eye a smile appear on Ayime’s face.

He closed his eyes, relishing the moment. He didn’t notice himself as he fell into the darkness of sleep. He could not experience it for himself, but nonetheless he liked it. I liked this line.

They would sleep under the stars tonight, hand in hand. It would be many days before something like this could happen again. Or so he thought.

She ran up and dove at him, as he caught her in his arms.

She ran up and dove at him, as he caught her in his arms.

One had to admit, the forest was a beautiful place in the summertime; the winds came and blew a wave of air through the trees that made them sway back and forth, as if the forest was alive. In fact, it actually was alive, but not many people had come to realize this. It was because of things like this Arcadius Llynch liked to take a stroll through this place every day.

A few birds could be heard chirping their happy songs nearby. Leaves could be heard rustling just before a gust of wind blew through Arcadius’ short brown hair. The smell of honey was in the air, with a few hints of maple.

Taking care not to get too close to the edge of the realm, he peered into the deeper part of the forest, I don't think you need a comma here where it was said the gods resided. Although there was nothing there that set it apart from the section of the forest he was used to, it fascinated him to no end. There was something special about the realm, and Arcadius could only imagine what was in there. If only I could step inside and look… Thoughts look better italicized.

He chuckled, I think there should be a period here That would enrage the god-creatures. He would not be able to contain nor repair the damage they would do, if they were as angry as he thought they would be. Still, one could only wonder what happened behind the endless curtain of trees.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a boar that had appeared from behind a tree. The boar was very large compared to one of normal size, and this one was colored different too. Arcadius could tell this one had lived a very long time; it was obvious the skin had lost its bluer tones.

And I don't really like sentences that start with and. although, that's more of a personal thing! then Arcadius remembered that many all-powerful creatures desired to stand out amongst their brethren. They often made their differences so obvious and fantastic they border-lined on an entirely different species altogether.

This one was easy. Marajin, the boar god, had already made his place in the legends of old. Arcadius could not help but feel tense; there was something about it that tugged at the strings in the back of his mind. It was as if there was something he was supposed to know, but could not remember. He did know, however, remember that it was something bad.

The giant blue boar looked upwards, toward a hole in the tops of the trees in which a beam of light poked through the relatively dark forest and shone itself on the floor below. The sight was very pretty to behold; even Arcadius felt his attention grabbed by it for a split second before it returned to the god.

Suddenly the boar turned his head in Arcadius’ direction, and almost on cue, the human placed himself out of Marajin’s line of sight. Crap, I hope he didn't see me! Italicize

The maneuver had done him no good; the beast had already sensed his presence before he had shot the glance. In a sense the beast had indeed seen Arcadius, though not by normal means; to do so was impossible.

I hope he doesn’t attack… I hope he doesn’t attack, I hope he doesn’t attack… Arcadius muttered over and over again in his mind, trying to keep the possibility from occurring. His hand gripped the bark of the tree tightly and his breathing became very shallow and slow as to not make any extra noise.

It was no use, the boar let out a large roar, and then the rapid stamping of feet was heard. Arcadius' eyes went wide as he quickly realized what was happening, and his jaw dropped. He nearly froze, but instinct took over; he knew Marajin was charging.

Arcadius immediately pushed off the tree to quickly get some speed. He ran away from the tree he had been hiding behind. A few seconds later, the tree was uprooted by Marajin's stampede. In his blind fury didn’t really care about the forest around him.

I picked a great day to leave my sword at home! Arcadius could not help but think as he heard the crash of the fallen tree behind him, which was soon drowned by the sound of Marajin’s feet bouncing across the ground. The thick vegetation crackled and rustled under his feet as Arcadius fled from the beast, though that was faint compared to Arcadius screaming, "HEEEELLLPPPP!" Once again, this is a bit more of a personal thing. I don't really like everything in caps and words that have been stretched. Help! would be fine for me.

Arcadius was hoping he would get lucky somehow. After all, he himself had been prone to strange occurrences of sudden power. When he least expected it, Arcadius would suddenly gain inhuman strength and be able to lift over a ton in weight. He didn’t have any control over this, and he did not have any explanation for it; he didn’t know it was hereditary.

The boar behind him let out a great squeal, calling to the other creatures to aid him. There were none around, however, that could give him aid. It did have an affect on Arcadius though, he jumped at the sound, and his sense of dread was heightened. Damn, he wants to kill me!

For a moment Arcadius looked back, and Marajin was closer before. Though he could not see it, the fear became even more evidenced on his face. He swiveled his head back around to the path ahead, which he hoped would lead him away from the boar.

They came to run along a cliff one hundred feet high. During this time Marajin began to close the gap as Arcadius began to fatigue. The human was still running at near-full speed, driven by adrenaline and fear. I liked this description.

Arcadius stumbled for a moment, and that was all Marajin needed to completely close the gap. Arcadius looked back for only a moment to see Marajin rearing his head to ram him, presumably off the cliff

The only thing Arcadius could do was throw himself away from the attack, the last thing he wanted was for it to hit him. Marajin's bashing attack missed him completely, as Arcadius' jump was better. Unfortunately the momentum sent him over the edge of the cliff, whatwhich Marajin had intended to do.

His scream pierced the air as he fell down the face of the cliff. At the same time Marajin stopped in his tracks on the top cliff, and seemed to peer down at the human.

Arcadius flipped over in his short trip toward the ground. It was during this time a strange feeling came over him. He recognized it right away, though it wasn’t in the place he had wanted it to be in; his legs. He would have preferred the strength to be in his arms, where he could fight back, but that was irrelevant anyways.

But it ended up saving him. He landed safely, thanks to the power of his lower body. He was spared to what would have been a fatal fall to a normal human. In a split-second he went into a crouching position as he landed. Then, with the little momentum he had, he dispelled the impact even more by rolling forward.

After skidding a couple feet, Arcadius turned looked back up toward Marajin, who was still at the top of the cliff. The boar reared, then extended his head over the cliff, letting out another squeal.

Arcadius just sat there in shock, waiting to see what Marajin was going to do. For a moment it seemed like Marajin eyed Arcadius for almost fifteen seconds, before Marajin gave up. The great blue boar slowly turned around and started to walk away.

Arcadius didn't waste any time. Initially struggling, he got to his feet. Without another thought, he turned and ran in the opposite direction, away from the cliff.

He didn't run nearly as fast, but still at a good pace. He didn't want to take any chances, Arcadius wanted to get as far away from the boar as he could.

Arcadius didn’t stop until he was sure he was well out of range, which was at least a good minute of further running. He stopped, and laid a hand on the nearest tree and bent over in exhaustion. His brow was sweating, and he took a moment to wipe it off.

He looked back behind him to where he had just come from. Aside from a few moans and groans that sounded in the distance, there were no signs that he was being followed.

Now he didn’t know where he was, for he had run past the area he was familiar with. He knew he could go back that way, but that would mean going back toward Marajin, and he didn’t want to do that.

He did know what the time was though. With that in mind, he immediately looked at his shadow, which he could barely see through the shadow of all the other trees around him. He did this to gather his bearings, and soon he ran toward the south.

I have to get out of here before something else happens! He thought to himself. Arcadius didn’t know if something else was going to jump out at him.

He ran until he reached the edge of the forest, and to his surprise, he emerged on the hill over looking his village.

Arcadius looked the village below for a moment, and then looked back at the forest behind him.Space here For the first time, he began to fully reflect on what had just happened. That was Marajin that attacked me… Oh creator. That was when he realized the full extent of the danger he had been in. After that he realized something else, what could have also happened, or still could happen… he thought.

He broke into a frenzied run as the revelation overtook him. Now he was even more afraid. If being chased by the boar was bad, this feeling of dread was far worse. He might come back and attack the village again! He reflected on the stories he had heard about the attack twelve years before.

It had been many years since it had happened. There had been a point where their village angered the boar god, so much so that Marajin came and attacked their little village. While they were eventually able to drive him out, the victory had been costly. Arcadius had realized that the same thing could possibly happen then.

He quickly made his way down the hill, past the fields filled with a variety of fruits and vegetables. He ran through the village with great speed, flying past the buildings one each side of the street at high speed. Arcadius didn’t stop even as his neighbors and friends gave him friendly waves.

He eventually reached a small house, though by comparison it was larger than the other building in the area. It was the one place he needed to be, for it was the chief’s house.

Out of breath, he laid his hand on the doorframe and rested for a moment. The exhaustion completely distracted him from the situation at hand.

Once he was done, he did his best to compose himself. Standing straight, he gave a slow knock. “Enter.” was the response he heard faintly from inside. Arcadius opened the door.

He was introduced to a familiar scene. In the back of the room sat a short stout man, the chief of the village named Yosef. Around him was an arc of villagers, who had come simply asking for company, to which the chief would always oblige; he liked company as well. At almost the same time, they all looked up at him.

Arcadius barely noticed them as he approached, stopping on the outside of the form.

“Hello chief.”

“Hello Arcadius!” the chief replied happily, the variable of which was then repeated by everyone else. “Boy, do you look tired, do you want some tea?” Yosef started to reach for his pot.

“No thanks, I’m fine.” Arcadius replied a bit darkly, but Yosef had already poured the cup.

Yosef looked up in surprise, “No?” He looked back down at the already full cup. “Ah… well if you change your mind…” He slid the cup off to the side. Yosef looked back up at Arcadius with a look of concern. “But… you don’t usually refuse tea… is something wrong?”

Arcadius sucked in a breath, “I was attacked.” A collective gasp sounded through the room. “In the forest just north of here, I was walking and…”

Yosef nearly jumped up, “What?!?”

“I’m all right, but I could have died out there.” Arcadius quickly dispelled the reaction.

A collective exhale was heard, topped by a few variations of “That’s good.” Everyone looked at each other with relieved looks on their faces.

Yosef was thinking in a different direction however. The concerned look on his face didn't mask his feeling, and the tone he used didn't help, “Tell me Arcadius, who attacked you?”

Arcadius was silent for a moment, “You won’t like it chief.” Every head turned back toward Arcadius at this.

Yosef thought deeply for a moment as the smell of the tea in his lap went through his nostrils. “Well… it’s my job to know.”

Arcadius looked around for a moment, still unsure. He bit his lip for a moment then uttered, “Marajin.”

The sound of breaking glass as two cups hit the floor violently was muffled by the reactions of surprise that filled the room.

“Is that the same one that destroyed the village twelve years ago!?” one villager asked.

“Marajin? What the hell is he doing back in this part of the forest!?” another villager shouted.

“And I don’t know,” Arcadius continued, “but he looked very mad. I think…”

A woman to Arcadius’ right started to panic. “W-what if he’s come back to finish the job?” she finished. I think a different verb would sound better here because the woman just said the word finish when she was speaking. It was what Arcadius was about to say.

Variations of “No!” and “Don’t say that!” filled the room.

“B-but!”

“No! Don’t say he’s come back to kill us! You’ll cause a panic!” another woman said.

“I’m already panicking!” the first woman rocked back and forth, her legs brought to her stomach, and her arms crossed on top of them. I like this. It shows how serious the situation really is.

“Settle down!” the second woman scolded.

“Listen, we all know what you lost then, but we must not bring back those painful memories!” She turned to Yosef, “Chief?”

Every head in the room turned toward the man sitting in the middle of the room.

“Well, if what you said is true, that Marajin has indeed returned…” he paused, thinking. Then after a few seconds, he stood up in a huff. “We must let the villagers know at once. No one is to enter the forest until further notice.” He started toward the door as the other members of the conversation stood up one by one. “In the meantime I will assemble the guard. We cannot have a repeat of last time.”

Of course - as he was three at the time - Arcadius didn't recollect anything from the incident; everything was a blur. It was only natural; most people didn't remember when they were three Do you mean there? either.

That didn’t matter now, the decree had been issued. It was time to let everyone know. Though… it won’t hurt to have some tea first, will it? I liked this ending. It made me chuckle slightly.

I also love how according to spell checker, your character names don't exist!

"HEEEELLLPPPP!" Once again, this is a bit more of a personal thing. I don't really like everything in caps and words that have been stretched. Help! would be fine for me.

“W-what if he’s come back to finish the job?” she finished. I think a different verb would sound better here because the woman just said the word finish when she was speaking.

RayquazaKid wrote: The humans learned, never again would they trespass into the god’s territory and take the forest for their own.

He had grown up hearing stories about the catastrophe, and did not want to be able to relive such memories; much less cause those memories to exist in the first place.

He would be gone for five days, returning on his sixteenth birthday.

“Arcadius,” he heard somebody calling his name. The source was a distance away, and from behind, but he recognized it right away.

Arcadius could tell it was Ayime Rose, his girlfriend. Her long pink hair flowed freely behind her as she approached him at full speed.

Now, I'm pretty sure that this takes place in a period-type era, so why is her hair pink? People didn't have that kind of thing back then, in reality, and it might turn people off. Try and be as realistic as possible about everyday things like hair color and such, and then make things like magic, gods, as your fantasy element.

So Arcadius is in love with Ayime...at fifteen? Not extremely realistic, in my opinion.

What god is this supposed to be? Sometimes less detail is good, but here it doesn't work. You don't need to supply any names, but something akin to "the forest god" would suffice.