Drained {Chapter One}

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10701
Reviews 356
A/N: So, here's some fresh meat. I've never done this kind of story before, so it's a bit sketchy. Feedback will be very much appreciated. The name is also temporary. I'm between Blood Drained, Drained, Snatched. Suggestions will also be very much welcome. I know it's not quite clear yet, but the plot will come through in the second part. Hopefully xD
Edit: Yes, it is somewhat of a vampire story, though not sparkly nor creepy.



--**--**--

The thin line of light disappeared once again as he closed the door. She heard the echo through the steel walls, and her body shivered. How long had it been? She couldn’t tell. There was no window, no breeze, no day and no night there. There was darkness and solitude. Was this her punishment? Well, they did warn her. Foolish little her had to go and cross the rules. But that all seem unimportant now.

There were marks around the walls. Those were from the first couple of days, she remembered, where thirst overcame her and she screamed and fought against steel to get out. It was useless, for she was still trapped there. She was past the tears and the screams. Her hair was dripping with sweat, even though she was cold. She shivered at every little sound, which didn’t happen often. It was dead silent. Always.

Everything seemed lost now; there was no light to break the dark. She was just waiting there, for the end. To be killed. She was reduced to nothing more than a poor example of her specie. She had no more fight in her. She cried silently at her own misfortune. Her thoughts were rambled, and she felt her eyes swollen and tired, as if they had seen too much. But there was nothing to see there. Nothing but emptiness, to the point where she couldn’t distinguish her hands from the blackness.

She used to matter. She was important, high ranked. Shouldn’t they be looking for her? Why was she still there? And him! Of all people, he should have freed her. But no, absolutely the opposite: he was the one to put her in the steel cage. He was the one that wanted her death, her knowledge. Why, of all people, why him?

She shivered at the thought, and sobbed. They were coming again, the tears. It was like a dream, like an illusion. As if she had a fever - it could all be unreal. But as she got up, she could feel the cold steel under her hands, the solid planks that kept her from the light. Ironic was, she never really liked the light. She used to hide from it, considering it too bright, too cheerful. And now there she was, eager for a small ray of it.

Light was good now. When light came, he came. And even though he betrayed her, even though his eyes were now cold and heart breaking, she still wanted him. She still loved him. It’s what they say, that type of connection is stronger than anything. Although he seemed not to feel it, it was fine with her. He would be finishing her soon enough, so. If she had to die, at least it would be by his hand. That way, she would mark him forever and her expression would haunt his mind until his day came. Payback, the only kind of that she could possibly have that.

With a small chuckle, her spirits got higher now. At least a bit of her evil character was back. She had dreadfully softened with him. It was his fault entirely. She wouldn’t be there, if it wasn’t for him. Stupid Eric. Stupid deceitful bastard.

Time passed. Sometimes, when she felt her sanity slip for a moment, she could promise to hear the ticking of a clock, mocking her, but then it faded and she mourned silently. She used to sing, in the beginning, sing to herself. Her music was one of her gifts. Her voice used to fill her with reestablished promise of better things to come. Then, Eric came. He reestablished her too.

Her body flinched at the creak of the steel door again. She covered her eyes with her hand, and distinguished Eric’s figure at the door. The light was dim, still it was there, better than nothing.

“Now you’re going to spill everything, vampire.” He pronounced her designation now, the name of her species, with visible despite.

Yet, she grinned mischievously. In front of Eric, she hadn’t changed. She wouldn’t break in front of him - in every dark corner, heck yes. In front of him, she didn’t love him. Ready for another round, Jane? She mocked herself.
Last edited by *writewatiwant* on Mon Mar 29, 2010 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

The Buddy System Check us out!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49345
Reviews 547
Another vampire story. I will not talk about the vampire-ness, for the sake of being negative. haha

She was just waiting there, for the end. To be killed. She was reduced to nothing more than a poor example of her specie. She had no more fight in her. She cried silently at her own misfortune.


She, she, she, she. It's so redundant, I was becoming annoyed. Soften this piece a bit. This is tragic, your sentences shouldn't be so blunt. Combine some of them together. Yes, I realise this is a disgusting situation, but try to be poetic about it. After all, you'd think the girl would be crazy.

And let us talk about that. The craziness. You put crazy sentences in there a few times, but I want you to play up the crazy drastically. Have you ever read Alice in Wonderland?(you should, by the way, amazing book.) Anyways, in the book, the author says complete nonsense sentences. He was a genius of nonsense, it's quite unbelievable. Well, I think here, she needs to be crazier. She needs to mumble things, she needs to talk to the light, something that will make your story stand out more, you know?

I wish you the best of luck on your... vampire story. :)

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15421
Reviews 158
Hi *writewatiwant*
I like the start of this story even though its another vampire story, but hey, each story is different, so what ever floats your boat.
On with the review.
I think that you should tell the reader the mc name, at the moment we only know her as 'she' which can get a bit annoying.
What has she done to be locked up? Is it because she is a vampire but the people who have locked her up are humans? Or is it another reason.
Never mind. I'm sure I'll figure it out later.
I couldn't see any mistakes in grammar or spelling, but re-read the post anyway and it will help you change and improve the story.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4013
Reviews 201
Okay, I was reading this more of to see if it made sense than anything else :) And I think you did a pretty good job. I noticed that you described somethings quite a few times, especially since there wasn't much in the room. I think that it sort of gave the reader an idea of how bored and angry your MC was. Sort of her describing every little thing because there was nothing else to do. I agree with Classy though, you could probably make her crazier but I think you'll be able to do that easier when she is interacting with other people.

Here are somethings I saw, just little nitpicks:

She was just waiting there, for the end. To be killed. She was reduced to nothing more than a poor example of her specie.


That should be species :)


It’s what they say, that type of connection is stronger than anything.


Maybe say: They say that type of connection is stronger than anything.
That’ll make it easier to read and to understand.

Although he seemed not to feel it, it was fine with her


"But he seemed not to feel it, which was fine with her."
See I took out the it. That made it easier to read and less redundant, I think.

He would be finishing her soon enough, so.


Finishing? Like killing? Sorry, dumb question but it confused me a bit.

Overall I think this was a pretty good start. It got me hooked because I was wondering who Eric(by the way, Eric made me think of the House Of Night books. One of the guys had that name. Just pointing that out) is and why Jane is locked in the room. Another thing I liked was that I didn't know your MC's name until the end and that it was revealed by Jane herself, like she was the only one who wasn't too good to say her name :) I also liked that I didn't know she was a vampire until Eric said something.

Hope that helps. PM when you post more :)

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5407
Reviews 75
I love it, I don't know why everyone else is saying such negative things, vampire stories are the IT thing now, even I myself have stuck my finger in that pie. And I for one don't mind so many vampire stories, just as long their not all the same, good lookin vampire ugly human, weak minded vampire, dumb human. I am talking a little about Twilight and The vampire diaries books, drives me nuts a little.
Wow! I am so sorry, here I am supposed to be telling you what I though of your work, and here I am ranting, sorry!
OK!
Yes, I think you should have introduced her name a little earlier in the chapter, but that's ok, it still has power to it, besides the not knowing her name.
I for one, not to pat myself on the back or anything, knew that she was a vampire from the first second paragraph, which is fine, you don't really want to give everything away and you don't want to leave it for the ending. You gave me just enough to figure out, "hey this might be a vamp" Good job.
I will so continue reading this, thanking you for posting, and congrats on a good piece.
- Addawen
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8831
Reviews 202
Comments in red.

*writewatiwant* wrote:A/N: So, here's some fresh meat. I've never done this kind of story before, so it's a bit sketchy. Feedback will be very much appreciated. The name is also temporary. I'm between Blood Drained, Drained, Snatched. Suggestions will also be very much welcome. I know it's not quite clear yet, but the plot will come through in the second part. Hopefully xD
Edit: Yes, it is somewhat of a vampire story, though not sparkly nor creepy.



--**--**--

The thin line of light disappeared once again as he closed the door. She heard the echo through the steel walls and her body shivered. This makes it seem like she shivered because of the echo. Is it intentional? How long had it been? She couldn’t tell. There was no window, no breeze, no day and no night there. Something about this sentence strikes me as off-key. Maybe edit it slightly. Don't take out the whole "no window, no breeze, no day and no night" thing because it's good. Just...something I can't put my finger on. It's grammatically sound, true, but I think there's a way to make it better. Just not sure what. :/ There was darkness and solitude. Was this her punishment? Well, they did warn her. Foolish little her had to go and cross Break the rules is overused, but I rather like it better than cross. the rules. But that all seems unimportant now.

There were marks around I think you mean on. :/ Around isn't making much sense to me. the walls. Those were from the first couple of days, she remembered, when thirst overcame her and she screamed and fought against steel to get out. It was useless, for she was still trapped there. No need to tell us this because you already showed us she's still in the prison. She was past the tears and the screams. Her hair dripped (Honestly, take out was and were where possible. Taking them out fixes the flow. with sweat even though she was cold. She shivered at every little sound, which didn’t happen often What doesn't happen often? Her shivering or the sounds? Clarify in the same sentence, not the next. But I like the next two sentences. Just edit that last one.. It was dead silent. Always.

Everything seemed lost now; there was no light to break the dark. She was just waiting there, for the end. To be killed. She was reduced to nothing more than a poor example of her specie. She had no more fight in her. She cried silently at her own misfortune. Her thoughts were rambled, and she felt her eyes I think you're missing a word here. This sentence is pretty awkward. Revise. swollen and tired, as if they had seen too much. But there was nothing to see there. Nothing but emptiness, to the point where she couldn’t distinguish her hands from the blackness. I thought you mentioned walls in the last paragraph. That implied that the character we're following can see them. Now you tell me she can't see anything.

She used to matter. She was important, high ranked. Shouldn’t they be looking for her? Why was she still here? And him! Of all people, he should have freed her. But no, absolutely the opposite: he was the one to put her in the steel cage. He was the one that wanted her death, her knowledge. Why, of all people, why him?

She shivered at the thought and sobbed. They were coming again, the tears. It was like a dream, like an illusion. As if she had a fever - it could all be unreal. But as she got up, she could feel the cold steel under her hands, the solid planks Whaa...? Steel, then planks? I'm kind of confused. A little clarification might be in order. that kept her from the light. The irony was she never really liked the light. She used to hide from it, considering it too bright, too cheerful. And now there she was, eager for a small ray. I think taking "of it" out improves the flow.

Light was good now. When light came, he came. And even though he betrayed her, even though his eyes were now cold and heart breaking, she still wanted him. She still loved him. It’s what they say, that type of connection is stronger than anything. Awkward sentence. Revise. Although he seemed not to feel it, it was fine with her. He would be finishing her soon enough, so. If she had to die, at least it would be by his hand. That way, she would mark him forever and her expression would haunt his mind until his day came. Payback, the only kind of that she could possibly have that.

With a small chuckle, her spirits got higher now. This sentence is awkward. Revise. At least a bit of her evil character Show us she was evil before, don't tell us. was back. She had dreadfully softened with him. Don't understand this sentence. It was his fault entirely. She wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for him. Stupid Eric. Stupid deceitful bastard.

Time passed. Sometimes, when she felt her sanity slip for a moment, she promised she could hear the ticking of a clock, mocking her, but then it faded and she mourned silently. She used to sing, in the beginning, sing to herself. Her music was one of her gifts. Her voice used to fill her with a reestablished promise of better things to come. Then, Eric came. He reestablished her too.

Her body flinched at the creak of the steel door again. She covered her eyes with her hand and distinguished Eric’s figure at the door. The light was dim but still it was there - better than nothing.

“Now you’re going to spill everything, vampire.” He pronounced her designation now, the name of her species, with visible despite. The word you're looking for is despise, but I think malice would be even better. Despise sounds weird here. In fact, good ol' hate is okay.

Yet she grinned mischievously. In front of Eric, she hadn’t changed. She wouldn’t break in front of him - in every dark corner, heck yes. In front of him, she didn’t love him. Ready for another round, Jane? Italicize that thought. She mocked herself.


Final thoughts:

I love third person close, and this is an excellent example.

I love the way you characterize her, but the story moves on so slowly. This is mostly her thoughts and it might not be wise to start with this. I'd rather you start with someone doing something.

I like how she's the vampire and yet the human is in control. Something new, for once.

So far that's all I have. Eric doesn't seem to have any personality yet. Also, you might want timestamps - even if she can't tell if it's day or night, she should be able to make a random guess - a few hours, over a day - let her overestimate/underestimate, but let her give the reader some sense of how long it felt like.

This review is based solely on my opinion. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000



When Larry King retires in 120 years John Mulaney should replace him.
— The Internet