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Survive: Chapter One - Genesis



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Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:24 pm
RayquazaKid says...



Hello everyone. I am finally going to post my full-length story here. This is something I’ve been working on since the middle of December. I don’t wish to post the whole thing at once (as some things may be skipped over), so it will probably be a while before I post the whole thing, and also because I don’t want to clog the board. For now, this is my pride and joy, the story that got me into writing. Please tell me of any mistakes I made, I would be very grateful if they are brought to my attention.

This is a revenge story. But… it’s a bit more complicated then that. By the time this ride is over the truth will have changed dramatically.

Survive.

Chapter One - Genesis

One had to admit, the forest was a beautiful place in the summertime; the winds came and blew a wave of air through the trees that made them sway back and forth, as if the forest was alive. It was alive, but not many people had come to realize this. It was because of things like this Arcadius liked to take a stroll through this place every day.

Five-foot nine coming in at one hundred forty-two pounds, Arcadius Llynch looked like your average man. He had blue eyes, very common for males in his family. He had brown hair that went down to his eyebrows, in front of his ears, and almost down the back of his neck. His teeth were whiter than white, or at least that was what he could have said had he not gone lazy about dental hygiene over the past week.

He wore a white shirt covered by a brown vest, coupled by a pair of brown pants tied off with a tope belt. He had to admit, he would not have been able to wear these two years ago, and sewing technology had advanced so much lately. Before it was hard to mass produce clothing, as the right kind of technology was not present, until recently. To complete this look, he wore a pair of turn shoes, which were yellow in color.

Those shoes made their impressions in the dirt as he walked along.

Taking care not to get too close to the edge of the realm, he peered into the deeper part of the forest, where it is said the gods reside. He could see well into the distance, a couple deer grazing beneath the shadows of the canopy above. He looked to the left; a black squirrel leaped from branch to branch then scampered across the tree to a patch of nuts. He looked left again; a snake was poised to devour its meal, only stopping to savor the thrill of the kill.

Although there was nothing that set it apart from the section of the forest he was used to, it fascinated him to no end. There was something special about the realm, and Arcadius could only imagine what was in there. If only he could step inside and look…

He chuckled, that would enrage the god-creatures; he would not be able to contain nor repair the damage they would do, if they were as angry as he thought they would be. Still, one could only wonder what happened behind the endless curtain of trees.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a boar that had appeared from behind a tree. The boar was very large compared to one of normal size, and this one was colored different too. Arcadius could tell this one had lived a very long time; it was obvious the skin had lost its bluer tones.

And then Arcadius remembered, many all-powerful creatures desired to stand out amongst their brethren, they often made their differences so obvious and fantastic they border-lined on an entirely different creature altogether.

This one was easy. Marajin, the boar god had already made his place in the legends of old. Arcadius could not help but feel tense. He knew the god, that was for certain, but there was something about it that tugged at the strings in the back of his mind. It was as if there was something he was supposed to know, but could not remember.

The giant blue boar looked upwards, toward a hole in the tops of the trees in which a beam of light poked through the relatively dark forest and shone itself on the floor below. The sight was very pretty to behold; even Arcadius felt his attention grabbed by it for a split second before it returned to the god.

Suddenly the boar turned his head in Arcadius’ direction, and almost on cue, the human placed himself out of Marajin’s line of sight.

The maneuver had done him no good; the beast had already sensed his presence before he had shot the glance. He did not need to actually see Arcadius to know he was there, though had he needed to see, Arcadius would not have had to hide.

Shoot, I probably should have brought my sword. Arcadius had been trained to handle these very kinds of situations, and he was pretty good with a sword. But it was ironic, that the one time he actually needed it he forgot it at home.

Of course, that wasn’t to say Arcadius didn’t stand a chance. Arcadius did not know why, but from time to time he would become stronger than usual, enough to lift a heavy boulder. However it was not something he could either control or sustain this strange power. If he was lucky enough to experience this while fist-fighting the boar god, he could very well survive.

For a moment, the air was still. Then with a snort, Marajin turned, and slowly made his way into the trees beyond. Many of the woodland creatures covered his tracks with their own as they exited right behind the giant blue boar. Ten seconds later he was out of sight.

Arcadius was certainly tense at the moment; he had a close encounter with a god. It was a god, but one of legend at that. It was a good minute before he was able to come out of hiding behind the tree.

He was even more interested in the realm of the supernatural now. That experience, despite the fact he was still shaking from it, piqued his interest in it even more.

He would have quite a story to tell everyone when he got back to the village. But for now, he would let this thought sit; he wanted to finish his journey through the woods before heading home.

So, he continued walking. His footsteps echoed in the now silent forest, all the animals had left with the boar god.

While he took walks through the woods every day, this route was special. There was one memory along the way that stood out among all others, and it was somewhere in the forest. He knew where.

It was a few minutes before he reached a tree. On it had been crudely inscribed a symbol. “Arcadius + Ayime” it read, surrounded by a heart. He smiled; he had written this into the tree with the help of his childhood friend Ayime, both of whom had drawn it a symbol for their friendship. At the time, neither of them knew what it really meant. That was seven years ago, now it still stood, and the full meaning had been realized.

It was not the only place special to him in the forest. There was also a cliff five miles away that overlooked and large part of the forest. It was one of Ayime’s favorite spots. It was sometimes hard to get to though, because it was trespassing; gods like Marajin didn’t like that one bit.

Within the week he would turn the age of sixteen, and could then ask for her hand in marriage. He hoped he would be able to propose right in front of the tree, seeing as it was important to the both of them.

Arcadius continued on, taking in the sights and scenes for one last time. That would be it until tomorrow.

He could see the light of day in front of him, signaling he was approaching the edge of the woodlands. This was his least favorite part of his journey; he didn’t want it to end.

At last he emerged from the forest. Down the hill lay the village, a collection of small wooden houses all arranged in rows. This pattern was broken up by the occasional tree or vegetation area. In the middle of it all was his destination.

He quietly made his way down the hill, past the fields filled with a variety of fruits and vegetables, and the occasional earthworm which Arcadius couldn’t see any at the moment. He then made his through the village, giving an occasional greeting to the people he walked by.

He eventually reached a small house. It was larger than all the other ones in the village at eleven hundred ninety-seven square feet. It had a wooden frame with the walls made by adobe clay. Surrounding it was a barrier of trees, and surrounding that barrier was the town square. It wasn’t the busiest place in the world but it did bustle with activity.

Arcadius approached a large wooden door on the front of the structure, and gave a polite knock. “Enter.” was the response he heard faintly from inside. Arcadius opened the door.

The room inside the house was lined with walls just like the outside. The floor was made of tatami mats. The room itself measured twenty feet back, and twenty five feet wide.

He was introduced to a familiar scene. In the back of the room sat the chief Yosef Briggs, a short stout man with grey, slightly balding hair. On his face sat a mustache, the same color as the hair on the top of his head. He had green eyes.

Around him was an arc of villagers, who had come simply asking for company, to which the chief would always oblige; he liked company as well. At almost the same time, they all looked up at him.

Arcadius barely noticed them as he approached, stopping on the outside of the form.

“Hello chief.”

“Hello Arcadius! How nice to see you! Come and sit down.” He motioned for an empty spot, and Arcadius quietly moved over there. The chief shifted a little where he was sitting and reached for a nearby cup. “Do you want some tea?

Arcadius nodded, than sat down.

Yosef quickly poured him a cup of tea, and handed it to Arcadius, to which he received a quiet “Thank you.”

“So, I hear you’ll be leaving the day after tomorrow for the next town over, is that right?”

Arcadius looked up. “Sure am. I’m going to the market there in Ryon.” He searched his pockets, calmly at first, then a bit more vigorously. He looked up. “Heh. I must have left if home today, but I got a whole list of stuff to bring back.”

“Best of luck to you my boy. It’s a long travel over there, four days there and back, and I’ll bet you spend half a day shopping.” He stopped, as if he realized something. “Hey… isn’t your birthday five days from now?”

Arcadius nodded, too flattered by the chief’s memory to verbally respond.

“Excellent! What a fantastic birthday gift, you’ll be able to come home again! That is, if you aren’t slacking off.” He teased.

Arcadius’ “Hey!” was drowned out by the laughter that erupted.

“Yea well… I’m not lazy at everything!” Arcadius said. This was met with some snickering. “Hey, don’t you remember how hard I worked replanting all those turnips after that winter two years ago? I got all of it done in five hours.”

“If only you were that hard-working on your other chores.” The chief softly coughed. Once again, there was laughter all around.

When it died down Yosef spoke once more. “Sorry Arcadius, we’re just a bunch of old people trying to entertain ourselves. You’ll probably find yourself doing the same thing when your time comes.”

“Okay. I don’t look forward to that.” He said. It was a moment of silence before he sat up. “Oh yea, I just remembered why I came here in the first place. I saw something interesting today.”

The chief was naturally interested, if it meant something to converse about. “Ah, do tell.”

Arcadius cleared his throat. “Yea, well I was walking through the forest earlier and I stopped and looked into the deep forest you see. I didn’t believe it myself when I saw it. I saw Marajin behind the trees and it looked like he knew I was there. I’m surprised he didn’t charge at me. Doesn’t he hate humans?” It wasn’t a question.

The room fell silent, as they all were taking in the new information.

One villager to the right of Arcadius piped up. “What is he doing in this part of the forest again?”

Arcadius shook his head. “I don’t know. I only saw him look up at the sky, then at me, then I saw him walk away.”

“I still remember what he did last time.” One of the villagers shook his head grimly.

A woman to Arcadius’ right started to panic. “W-what if he’s come back to finish the job?”

Variations of “No!” and “Don’t say that!” filled the room.

“B-but.”

“No! Don’t say he’s come back to kill us! You’ll cause a panic!” Another woman said.

“I’m already panicking!” The woman rocked back and forth, her legs brought to her stomach, and her arms crossed on top of them.

“Settle down!” The first woman scolded. “Listen, we all know what you lost then, but we must not bring back those painful memories.” She turned to Yosef, “Chief?”

Every head in the room turned toward the man sitting in the middle of the room.

“Well, if what you said is true, that Marajin has indeed returned…” he paused, thinking. Then after a few seconds, he stood up in a huff. “We must let the villagers know at once. No one is to enter the forest until further notice.” He started toward the door as the other members of the conversation stood up one by one. “We cannot have a repeat of last time.”

It had been many years since it had happened. There had been a point where their village angered the boar god, so much so that Marajin came and attacked their little village. While they were eventually able to drive him out, the victory had been costly.

Arcadius did not remember a single moment of that day, for he was only the age of three. In-fact, he had lost all memory of that time, which wasn’t unnatural, most people couldn’t remember when they were three either.

That didn’t matter now, the decree had been issued. It was time to let everyone know.


Thanks for reading everyone. Please let me know what you think! :)
Call me RK :)
  





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Reviews: 196
Wed Mar 17, 2010 5:02 am
peanutgallery007 says...



Hola! It feels good to be the first to review on a story! =D

I just wanted to say, if you wish to post the whole thing at one time, you can do it in the Advanced Critiques Forum. Then some brave soul will review it all at once for you XD

But for now, I’ll review your first chapter for you. ^^

Nitpicks

…as if the forest was alive. In fact, it was was alive, but not many people had come to realize this.


Okay, since in that first sentence you said “as if it were alive” right before clarifying that it is alive in a non-figurative way, maybe you should add “In fact,” to the beginning of the second sentence, and italicize “was”.

Five-foot nine coming in at one hundred forty-two pounds, Arcadius Llynch looked like your average man. He had blue eyes, very common for males in his family. He had brown hair that went down to his eyebrows, in front of his ears, and almost down the back of his neck. His teeth were whiter than white, or at least that was what he could have said had he not gone lazy about dental hygiene over the past week.

He wore a white shirt covered by a brown vest, coupled by a pair of brown pants tied off with a toperope belt. He had to admit, he would not have been able to wear these two years ago, and sewing technology had advanced so much lately. Before it was hard to mass produce clothing, as the right kind of technology was not present, until recently. To complete this look, he wore a pair of turn shoes, which were yellow in color.
Those shoes made their impressions in the dirt as he walked along.


Wow. Eh… major info dump. Major. In fact, I would take out those paragraphs completely, which I don’t think you’ll actually do, but yes, I think that’s best; skip right to that last sentence, only change “those” to “his”. Then it’ll absolutely force you to distribute the information throughout the piece in a more equal way rather than telling us absolutely everything about him. In most books (including the one I’m reading currently), the author still hasn’t even told me the color of the main character’s hair (or how long it is or what she’s wearing, etc.) and I’m on page 200-something. Don’t shove all the description in the first chapter as if you’re getting it out of the way. It’s still going to follow you throughout the book whether you like it or not. XD
Again, it’s not absolutely essential to add all of that stuff in. let the reader use their imagination a bit, and then gradually add your imagery and description. It builds a nice profile of your character.
P.S. Typo alert! XD


Taking care not to get too close to the edge of the realm, he peered into the deeper part of the forest, where it is was [don't switch tenses!] said the gods resided.


And then Arcadius remembered,; many all-powerful creatures desired to stand out amongst their brethren, and they often made their differences so obvious and fantastic they border-lined on an entirely different creature species altogether.


(That first comma should be a semi-colon.) You have an odd way of using commas, almost as if they are the end-of-sentence indicators instead of a comma. XD Easier said, a run-on. Also, I thought it best not to re-use the word "create" in the same sentence, seeing as how it was repetitive.

Marajin, the boar god, had already made his place in the legends of old.


However it was not something he could either control or sustain this strange power.


The room inside the house was lined with walls just like the outside. The floor was made of tatami mats. The room itself measured twenty feet back, and twenty five feet wide.
He was introduced to a familiar scene. In the back of the room sat the chief Yosef Briggs, a short stout man with grey, slightly balding hair. On his face sat a mustache, the same color as the hair on the top of his head. He had green eyes.


Again with the info dump. I know the information is essential this time, but spread it out more. Gradually.

“Yeah well… I’m not lazy at everything!”


Doesn’t he hate humans?” It wasn’t a question.


Yes it was.

Overall

Okay, so overall... I found it slow. I kept waiting for the excitement to start. It lacked feeling and decent description. Put some heart and emotion into it! A) He wants to ask someone to marry him. That could be incredibly romantic! Describe on that, and add to it! B) A boar god. A BOAR GOD. Seriously, make that moment last as long as you can. That should be an incredibly intense moment, but you made it end in the span of about thirty seconds, making the event seem much, much more insignificant than it apparently was.

So, work on drawing the reader in more. Really suck 'em in. Perhaps fiddle around with a couple different beginnings and see which you like best, or which is more captivating. Plus, it's good writing/ descriptive exercise. ;)

Keep at it!
~Peanut
Have a peanut =)

Try your hand at my poetry contest!

Proud LGBT supporter.
  





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Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:24 am
RayquazaKid says...



Stuff about info dump

Hmm... You know you're right. That means I have quite bit of editing to do....


Taking care not to get too close to the edge of the realm, he peered into the deeper part of the forest, where it is was [don't switch tenses!] said the gods resided.

That was one of many similar mistakes. I don't do it at all in any chapter past this one, but this chapter was littered with similar mistakes. While I managed to get most of them, I must have missed that one. Thanks for pointing it out.

Again with the info dump. I know the information is essential this time, but spread it out more. Gradually.

Definitely, I'll have to keep that in mind.

Doesn’t he hate humans?” It wasn’t a question.

Yes it was.

I meant to imply that it was rhtorical. I guess that didn't work so well.

A) He wants to ask someone to marry him. That could be incredibly romantic! Describe on that, and add to it!

I do focus on that in chapter two. I think it is kind of unrelated to this chapter though. I'm going to move this to chapter two.

B) A boar god. A BOAR GOD. Seriously, make that moment last as long as you can. That should be an incredibly intense moment, but you made it end in the span of about thirty seconds, making the event seem much, much more insignificant than it apparently was.

You got it.

I think I'm going to play around this chapter a bit, and see what I can do with it. I most certainly can insert action, and move the romance aspect. to the next chapter where it would be more useful. Also, I'll see what I can do about the info dumps.

Thanks for reviewing. :)
Call me RK :)
  








Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende