Silent (2nd Draft) (12+ for violence)

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Yes, I know my grammar probably bites...
My first draft: topic57684.html

Prologue:
Jasmine Kline winced in half pain, and half fear as the cold steel gun pushed further into her spine. There were two men dressed in black along with General Carlen, whom she met many times when she was with her father. She was laying face down, on the couch in her father’s oval office, crying and looking at her mother, who sat in compliance in a large golden-tone wing-backed chair.
“Sign it!” General Carlen yelled at her father. Waving a gun he had in his left hand. Looking at Carlen this angry made Jasmine quiver in fear. She had always though General Carlen was scary, but this side of his was pure evil, unlike his ‘Christianity’ front he always put on, until now. Jasmine knew the difference between good and evil, she was raised that way. The devil was evil, and wanted everyone not to believe in God, who was good. The Kline family were fervent Christians, always attended church on Sunday, read the bible, and prayed, prayed that God would keep America safe, them safe, and lead them through the right direction.
“Or I’ll kill her and your precious wife!” He sneered. Glancing at Jasmine’s mother Claire. Claire was a petite woman with short auburn brown hair, with the class and elegance of being first lady, now shattered as tears fell down her face. Dear God, please help us. Please help America. Don’t let this happen. She said in a silent prayer.
“Never!” Peter Kline yelled, stained in his own blood, from the beating he took from Carlen’s assistants.
“I will not put America though the pain and suffering you desire! We will not become apart of this ‘new world order’ every other country seems to be agreeing on. America is free, has been free, and will be free as long as I am president!”
The man dressed in black followed orders from his general, and struck the president across the face with the butt of his gun, the president grunted in pain, more blood slowly flowing down the side of his face.
“If you don’t sign the agreement I will kill you and your family, and I will start a coupe! What part of that can you not get through your stupid little head?!” The general screamed.
“What part of my answer do you not understand? N-O spells NO!”
“Fine then.” The general grabbed the gun from his left hand, still keeping the right tight against Peter’s daughter, Jasmine’s spine, and shot Claire in the leg. The sound hurt everyone in the room’s ears. Blood spilt onto the floor, staining the presidential seal.
“Mommy!!” The young eight-year-old screamed.
“Shut up!” General Carlen cursed, calling the girl a word that would make a sailor blush.
“Don’t sign it Peter!” Claire yelled, writhing in pain.
“Oh don’t worry, it’s just a flesh wound, but perhaps the next shot will do some more damage. Or I could just kill her now and spare her the suffering. But that takes all the fun out of it.” Carlen laughed in an evil non-human sort of way.
“You sick son of a-” The president stopped mid-sentence, and glanced at his daughter. I’m so sorry sweetie. He thought. She was growing up to become quite a little lady. He visualized her soft blonde tendrils that shone in the sunlight. Her beautiful spirit for people who were in need, she was not naïve, she was wise beyond her years, but still held the innocence of an eight year old. She told him ever since she was little that she wanted to be a preacher, he pictured the day he went into her room and found her preaching to her dolls and teddy bears. She promised she would keep faith in Jesus, and never doubt him. He said a silent prayer that this situation would not crush that promise, regardless of the outcome. Jasmine was still clutching the doll that was given to her by the prime minister of Japan last month at the U.N summit regarding the very same thing General Carlen wants, one world government. Only, General Carlen wanted to control that one world government, wanted to control the world. For what? Only God knew. Peter shuddered at the thought of what kind of damage Carlen could do.
“Times a tickin’ Mr. President. What’ll it be? The easy way, right now? Or will I need to kill you and your family, and strong arm the nation into my ruling?”
Carlen raised the gun towards Claire’s head. Claire looked up at him, staring down the barrel of his nine-millimeter glock, tears spilt down her face.
“Three… Two… One-”
“OKAY, STOP, PLEASE! I’LL SIGN IT!” Peter yelled, as he signed the agreement, hands shaking so hard he didn’t know if it would be legible. Tears fell down his cheeks.
“Too late.” The General snickered as he pulled the trigger, the bullet struck Claire in the forehead, killing her instantly .
“NO!!” Peter screamed in horror and agony as he saw his wife’s deceased body hit the floor, blood, bone and brain matter sprayed across the back wall slowly oozed downward. Jasmine wiggled out of the General’s hold and ran towards her now lifeless mother.
Carlen glanced at his assistants and nodded. Immediately the subordinates walked over and pushed the young girl off her dead mother, and scooped up the lifeless body.
“What shall we do with her, sir?” One of them asked Carlen.
“Dispose of her, I don‘t care how, just make sure her body won‘t be found till her funeral. Tell the press she died in a car accident.”
“At this hour, would it not seem odd for the first lady to be out and about, sir?”
“NO not at this hour, you moron!! Wait till morning!” Carlen cursed the man who had challenged him. The men without delay rushed off, carrying the body, one of them placed a towel over her head, to keep the blood from making an even bigger mess.
“And when you get back, clean this mess up!” He shouted as they walked out of the room.
“Dear God, please forgive me.” Peter sobbed.
“God isn’t here to save you now.” Carlen cursed.


Chapter 1:
Gwen Matherson was sound asleep when her cell phone rang.
“It’s a text message! Answer it! Come on! T-E-X-T!” The cell phone chirped.
Gwen rolled over and looked at her alarm clock. ‘6:45 AM’ it read, she dropped her head back into the pillow and grunted.
Darn ringtone… she thought to herself
“Ughh… this better be important!” She mumbled, She picked up her phone and read the message:
From: Jack Faulkner
Message:
WAKE UP you sleepy head! It’s the last day of school, don’t want to be late!

Gwen laughed, she was part ticked off that he texted her exactly fifteen minutes before she was supposed to get up, but part ecstatic that this was the last day of junior year.
Gwen sent a reply:
Darn you! I had another 15 minutes of beauty sleep! Woohoo last day of school!

Gwen pressed the send button and hopped up out of her bed. Her bedroom was bright green and turquoise blue, her favorite colors, marksmanship trophies and books about law and law enforcement lay on her shelves. She was an expert sharpshooter, thanks to her father teaching her how to shoot at a young age. She aspired to be in some position of law, weather it be a lawyer, a detective, or an officer like her father. She walked over to her vanity mirror and looked at her reflection; her dark brown long hair was stringy and wild from slumber, her doe brown eyes still full of sleep. Her phone rang again.
“It’s a text message! Answer it! Com-” She flipped it open and read Jack’s reply:
You don’t need beauty sleep! ;)
Gwen laughed, Jack was her best friend, she always wondered what more could happen between them, but she was perfectly fine being just friends.
Gwen went over to her closet and pulled out some blue jeans and a green and white striped v-neck. She quickly dressed and went over to one of her shelves and turned on her stereo random foreign techno blasted from the speakers, she didn’t know the words were, but she didn’t care, it had a strong driving beat that woke her up. Gwen danced around her room and sat down at her vanity table, putting on a little bit of make-up, brushing her hair. She usually put her hair up in a ponytail or had her mom braid it, but today she decided to wear it down, something she hasn’t done in a long time, she did though put a matching green headband to keep her hair out of her face. She went online and read the scripture of the day:

Proverbs 3:5-6 New Century Version:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do and he will give you success.
Gwen focused on that scripture, to trust in the Lord with all her heart, and don’t depend on her own understanding.
I need to follow God and trust in him in everything I do, and listen to my heart. She thought to herself, she loved God and was a devout Christian, and she took great pride in her belief.
A knock on her bedroom door made her jump.
“Come on in!” She shouted over the loud music.
“Hey Gwennie.” Her father, Scott Matherson walked in, fully dressed in his Plant City, Florida Police Department uniform. Scott was tall, with sandy blonde hair, and dark brown eyes, just like Gwen‘s, he had been an officer ever since Gwen was little, he was devoted to his duty as an officer, the Chief of police tried to promote him to detective, but Scott said he didn‘t want to, he enjoyed his patrol work.
“Hey dad, off to work already?” Gwen greeted him.
“Yeah, Chief Neeson has me working crazy hours.” He shrugged. Gwen got up and gave him a hug.
“Be safe.” she whispered in his ear.
“But of course! Hey how about Saturday we go out to the range and shoot some guns? I bet I’ll shoot better than you! This time we shoot moving targets, not still ones you shoot so well” He teased her. Gwen wasn’t so great at moving targets but she was slowly improving at shooting those mechanical targets.
“Oh, we’ll just see about that!” Gwen laughed.
“Got to go, it’s already seven-thirty.”
“Bye!” She said as he marched down the stairs.
Oh, I better hurry up! She thought to herself. She ran over to her computer desk, making sure her homework was in check, after that she shoved everything into her book bag, scooped it up and ran down the stairs. Gwen’s mother Theresa Matherson was already downstairs in the living room watching the national news channel.
“Good morning!” Theresa greeted, looking bright and perky. Theresa was a short, well-tanned, petite woman with long brown hair just like her daughter’s.
“Mornin’ mom.” Gwen replied, rushing over to the kitchen and grabbing her breakfast of eggs and bacon, then returning to the bright red living room and plopping on the couch.
“What’s been happening around the world lately?” Gwen asked the TV as she sipped her orange juice.
“President Kline signed over to the New World Order last night, he also accepted the Kingship nominee, for leader in the N.W.O. Since the Hammond administration the U.S government has been the leader in transparency and the least corrupt. President Kline’s rival, Australian Prime Minister Durrson put his name in the hat back in March, he was anticipated to be crowned Kingship immediately if no one else agreed to the Kingship by June first. The next U.N meeting is in August when deliberation for Kingship will begin, our correspondents in Sweden say the new King will be crowned in October.” The news reporter recited with precision.
“No way! What ever happened to the land of the free? Kingship is tyranny!” Gwen objected, stuffing more egg into her mouth.
“Tell me about it.” Her mother agreed.
Gwen listened to the rest of the news till her breakfast was finished, Gwen glanced up at the clock.
“Oh my gosh! I better go!” She jumped up, trotted over to the kitchen and threw her plate and glass into the sink, she ran over to the couch in the living room and scooped up her book bag.
“Bye honey!” Her mother shouted as Gwen exited though the front door.
Gwen hopped in her lime green VW Beetle and sped out of the driveway, the clock read 7:50 AM.
Thank goodness school is just a few blocks away! She thought, as she turned onto Clove street, and made a beeline for East street, just before she knew it she approached Plant City High School. Gwen parked in a spot and hung her parking pass on the mirror. She hopped out of her car and ran up the concrete steps. She rushed into the school and to her locker. The School looked like the typical high school, royal blue walls with gold lockers, to go with the school colors, banners that hung from the ceilings read farewell messages, a glass trophy case showing off the athletic department, paintings and murals of past art festival winners. The school oozed Plant City Knights pride. Gwen dialed her combination and grabbed her books, she paused she felt someone watching her, a smile broke across her face, she spun around to face Jack Faulkner, her best friend.
“What’s up?” He asked, flashing that deadly little smile that made anyone want to burst out laughing.
“Nothing much…” Gwen shrugged, shutting her locker with a slam.
“Read for summer?”
“Oh yeah! Can’t wait!” She said as she followed him to English class.
“Hey, I was wondering…” Jack said, Gwen glanced towards him and caught a glimmer in his eyes as he watched his feet as he walked.
“Yes?” She prodded.
“Are you going to The Cove’s Summer Break Bash?” He asked, eyes still not moving from the floor. The Cove was a local hangout for teens, once a year they held a party celebrating their re-opening after the school year.
“I wasn’t planning on it… Why, are you going?” She asked back.
“Only if you were going.” Jack opened the door to the classroom for her.
“And they say chivalry is dead!” Gwen laughed as she entered the classroom.
“So, are you going or not?” Jack asked when they got seated.
“If you’re going… then sure, I guess so.” Gwen said as she pulled out her English textbook.
“Okay class!” Mr. Goldsen shouted, Mr. Goldsen was a jewel to PCHS, a brilliant teacher. He became a widower last summer, which made him into a Mr. Mom of four young children. The students loved Mr. Goldsen, he was easy going and laid back.
“So, even though most of you know, I will not be assigning you anything today, since you took your finals exam yesterday. Today we will be reading an excerpt of War and Peace…” He walked down, passing out the grades to his class. Gwen was nervous, finals were tough, but she was sure she would at least get a 90% on them. Eventually, Mr. Goldsen handed Gwen her paper, a 94% in bold red ink written at the top.
“Great job.” Mr. Goldsen whispered in her ear as he passed by. Gwen was ecstatic, after studying so hard, she made an excellent grade.
“What did you get?” Jack whispered to her.
“94%. You?” She whispered back.
“89%.” He replied.
Mr. Goldsen made his way back to his desk, he began to read aloud War and Peace, most students were chit-chatting back and fourth about their summer plans, others were sketching, the bookworms were listening intently or reading books they snuck in. Gwen was doodling in her notebook, sketching out a stick-figure cartoon.
“I’ll pretend you all are paying attention.” Mr. Goldsen laughed. Before everyone knew it, class was over. Gwen scooped up her books,
“See you in study hall.” She said to Jack as she made her way through the corridor. Her next class has Ms. Beasley. Gwen moaned, Ms. Beasley was not one of the PCHS jewels, the students called her the 65 year-old prison warden, because it was rumored that she worked as a prison guard before she was a teacher. Everyone knew it was not true, but her actions made them ponder. Her class was chemistry, Ms. Pim was notorious for her surprise quizzes and difficult exams. Gwen made her way through the door and took her seat in the middle. Gwen’s partner was a nerdy girl that always wore her blonde hair in pigtails, her blue eyes shielded by her black-rimmed glasses.
“Hey Gwen!” She pushed her glasses back up her nose.
“Hey Allison.” Gwen shrugged.
“Ready for Ms. Pim’s finals?”
“Not really…” Gwen mumbled. Allison always got straight As in chemistry, she was a Godsend to Gwen, without her, Gwen would surely flunk the class.
“Well if you need help, just let me know!” Allison winked.
Gwen pulled out her chemistry books and her notebook. She tapped her fingers on the desk, waiting for the ‘warden’ to come in.
“Quiet class!!” Ms. Pim shouted as she entered through the glass door.
“Mam, yes mam!” A guy in the back said loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Mr. West, what do you think about staying after school? In detention!” Ms. Pim scorned as she wrote the boy’s name down on ‘the list’. The class whispered and mumbled words of shock and fear.
“Today we will take our final exams, everyone pass out these papers.” She said as she handed test papers to the students in the front. Gwen grumbled as she seen how many papers there was.
“You have forty-five minutes, starting… NOW!” She yelled as she sat down in her seat. She picked up her newest issue of Cat Fancy and read it.
Gwen panicked, writing down answers like a madman. Allison wrote down on her notebook
Need Help? Allison wrote up at the corner of her notebook.
I’m Good, thanks though. Gwen replied, writing down on Allison’s notebook and went back to answering the test questions. 45 minutes went by fast.
“Ok, time is up!” Ms. Pim barked. Students were still frantically filling in the last part of the test.
“I said, time is up! Pencils down NOW! Or you will be stuck in detention!” She screeched. She slammed her magazine down and trotted up to the desks, pulling the papers out of the students’ hands. As she made her way back to her desk the bell rang. Gwen tossed her books into her bag and walked out, she wanted to get as far away from Ms. Pim as possible.
The rest of the school day dragged out like a slow death; painful yet ending.
Boring as humanly possible. Gwen thought to herself as she sat in her seat restlessly watching the clock. She moped through lunch, hardly talked to anyone, she just ate her lunch, occasionally chatting with the people around her. The rest of the classes after lunch seemed to have the same effect as the classes before. Boring. Physical Education was interesting though, Mr. Cross made the class swim laps in the pool. Gwen loved to swim, she wasn’t fast by no means; she enjoyed being in the water, something about it gave her a sense of peace. Gwen was one of the last ones to finish the laps, she enjoyed the ’cool-down’ time when she got to splash around with her classmates. Gwen and her friend Emily McBride, from political science debated the President’s signing over to the new world order. The soccer jock girls was going around holding everyone underwater; but only for a few seconds or Mr. Cross would yell at them, the football players managed to come up with a football and was passing it back and fourth. Everyone was having a good time, till Mr. Cross blew his whistle.
“Out of the water, time is up!” He shouted. Everyone slowly but surely made it out of the pool and headed towards the locker room. When Gwen got to the locker room she ran over to the showers and rinsed the chlorine out of her hair. Gwen hated what chlorine did to her hair, made it frizzy and out of control, she was glad that this was the last time she would don the doors of the gymnasium till fall. She threw her clothes back on and put her hair up in a ponytail, she walked over and sat by Emily who was putting on make-up at the time.
“Hey, what’s up?” Emily greeted. Emily was an average height, thin, red-head with big Celtic green eyes that shimmered like emeralds. Her Great-grandparents were immigrants from Ireland, which gave her all the features of a young Irish woman. She was a devout catholic just as her family had been since her great-great grandparents had been converted from Celtic witchcraft. Emily loved to study politics and law, she aspired to become a prosecutor, and one day become a senator.
“Nothing much, anything interesting going on?” Gwen replied.
“Well… You’re not going to believe this…” Emily began to grin from ear to ear.
“Try me” Gwen flashed a smile.
“I got a letter from Senator Bennet, and he is going to sponsor me for the senate pages program!” Emily blurted out, giddy with excitement.
“Shut up! But wait, I thought with this new world order thing, there will be no such thing a senators?” Gwen bit her lip in worry for her friend.
“Well… This is going to be the last pages program, but next year I can go to Rome and work at the palace, that is, if that is what they are going to call it… I guess I‘ll have to change my aspirations to this new world order.” Emily shrugged as she fought to put her hair up in a bun.
“Need help?” Gwen laughed as she twisted her friend’s hair up into a bun.
“Thanks, it sure is a lot easier with an extra pair of hands!” Emily laughed.
Shortly after all the girls were dressed, the buzzer went off and everyone made their way to study hall, the final class.


Chapter 2:
Gwen was watching the clock in agonizing boredom, study hall seemed to go on forever. She sat next to her best friend, Jack and her close friend Emily. Jack and Gwen stopped playing tic-tac-toe after what seemed like the millionth game, Emily was on her laptop, reading blogs from past senate pages and listening to online news cast. Gwen was now watching the clock, ten-minuets separated her from summer-time freedom.
Then, she was separated from reality, like a vacuum sucked her away.
She rubbed her eyes for she could not believe what she saw before her. She was atop the clouds on a golden pathway, she reached out and touch the calming mist before her. There was a sound that was so loud Gwen thought her ears would burst, but it was a glorious sound that gave her a sensation of tranquility. A man dressed in white approached her, he was bright, so bright Gwen felt her eyes burn, yet it was a purifying kind of burn that Gwen wanted to drown herself in. She knew she could be in only one place: Heaven.
“Why am I here?” She asked dumbfounded.
“You are called to lead the speechless; the silenced into victory.” The man spoke to her in a soft, calm voice.
“What do you mean?”
“There is a storm brewing in your world, one like any other. The new world order that you have heard about is much more sinister than it seems. There will be a coupe that will overthrow the leader and gain power, religions will be banned. It is up to you to fight it, do whoever you can to overrule it.”
Gwen gasped in shock.
“How do you expect me, a sixteen year-old to overthrow a world ruler?!”
“You will not be alone, your friends and family will stand by you. You shall rule over thousands of Christians, teaching them, plotting with them, fighting along side them. You will overthrow this dark ruler and free the silenced. You must keep as hidden as possible, for when your operations will be found out some of you will perish, but you will overcome. Then you and your followers will go out into the world, and destroy the enemy from the inside out. Don‘t worry about if you are making the right decision, trust your heart and trust in God and he will see you through.” The man prophesied to her.
“But…” Tears began to spill down Gwen’s cheeks.
“Are you willing to trust in the Lord, and take command?” The man looked into her deep brown eyes. Gwen was in fear; fear of what might happen if she said no, and fear of what would happen if she said yes. She searched through her heart to find the words to say. The scripture she read earlier in the day popped back into hear head.
Don’t trust in your own understanding… She recited the words in her head.
She stuttered and stammered to say the words:
“I’ll do it.” She blurted.
The man looked deeply into her eyes and smiled.
Next thing Gwen realized, she was back in study hall, the clock hadn’t moved an inch.
Last edited by LittlePetRock on Wed Feb 24, 2010 4:14 am, edited 2 times in total.
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




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Another version huh? Will take a look at it tomorrow. :P
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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Yes, I decided to restart it from chapter one. The prologue is mostly the same, but chapter one and on is much, much diffrent.
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




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Hey, here as I promised :smt003

NITPICKS
Jasmine Kline winced in half pain, and half fear...

Unnecessary comma : )


...whom she had met many times when she was with her father.
I hate the word "had" just as much as the next person, but I feel that it is almost necessary here.


She was laying face down, on the couch in her father’s oval office...
Another bad comma here.


...who sat in compliance in a large golden-tone wing-backed chair.
I just feel that this sentence used too many of these things - (minus signs? haha) and too many "in's." I think you should rephrase it so there is only one "in" and no minus sign things.


General Carlen yelled at her father, waving a gun he had in his left hand.
I'm assuming that this was meant to be one sentence because the phrase "waving a gun he had in his left hand" is not a full sentence.


Looking at Seeing Carlen this angry made Jasmine quiver in fear.




She had always thought General Carlen was scary, but this side of his him was pure evil, unlike his ‘Christianity’ "Good-Natured Christian" front he always put on, until now.
I felt that the "until now" at the end made it sort of repetitive, like it was stating the obvious, because we know that Carlen isn't acting like a Christian at the moment. And someone can't have a "Christianity" front, they can however have a "Christian" front. I think. (?)


The Kline family were fervent Christians, always attended church on Sunday, read the bible, and prayed, prayed that God would keep America safe, them safe, and lead them through the right direction.
This sentence is a tad too long; I'd recommend trying to shorten it up or divide it better. The excessive commas are also icky :/


Or I’ll kill her and your precious wife!” Hhe sneered., Gglancing at Jasmine’s mother, Claire.
Again, "glancing at Jasmine's mother, Claire" is not a full sentence. Also, it doesn't seem believable that Carlen would call the first lady "precious." And we're going for the most believable dialogue possible, right? And who is the "she?" I'm confused.


Dear God, please help us. Please help America. Don’t let this happen,. Sshe said in a silent prayer.
All prayers, thoughts, etc should be italicized.


stained in his own blood, from the beating he took from Carlen’s assistants.
Bad comma again :p


“Be safe,” she whispered in his ear.
All sentences of dialogue that are followed with a "she said" kind of a thing should end with a comma, not a period.

do whoever you can

This is in the dream part, fix it so it doesn't sound sexual. Please :mrgreen:


Okay, that's all for the nitpicks. If you just proofread this while considering a few simple rules of grammar they should be easy to spot.


TEXTING
Alright, I must explain to you why I abhor the use of texting in writing. I know that everyone, literally EVERYONE nowadays, texts. I know that everyone loves it. Heck, I used like 20k a month back when I could afford it.
However, I argue that people's personalities don't tend to show through in texts. Everyone sounds basically the same way in texts. The entire purpose of dialogue in a story is to a) further the plot and b) increase the reader's knowledge of the character's social skills. Yes, the texting may further the plot, but couldn't actual talking do the same thing? And texting does not teach the reader anything except the fact that the character is addicted to their cell phone. Pretty much every American is addicted to their cell phone, so having texting in your story is not beneficial to the story at all.


MORNING ROUTINES
I'm not sure if you have noticed, but about half of the stories on here that contain characters in high school start out with a very detailed version of what the character does in the morning. This is getting a little boring. Go ahead and start the actual story with your characters morning - but the reader just honestly isn't interested in hearing every detail of it!
You also go into a large amount of detail introducing a bunch of characters, including various teachers. The reader doesn't need all this information in the first chapter. They probably don't even need that much for the whole book. Introduce 1-2 characters in the first chapter, max. We don't need to know the character's test scores, either. This has also created a very generic high school environment. Try to break out of the box!


THE NEW WORLD ORDER
You need to go into greater depth to describe what this is. I don't really get it. You talk about a "coupe," and I looked this up in the dictionary, and I still don't understand what you mean by that. The overall idea sounds like the US is joining forces with other countries and creating a super country?
I just want to inform you of how unrealistic this is. Even today, the small countries like Iraq and all of the Balkan states have issues staying together. There are things like Nationalism and separate ethnic groups that basically ensure that there will never be a "super country." If such a thing was proposed, there would be so much rebellion that it would never last. And the elimination of religion? Pfft. That's impossible.
So, I'd suggest that you find a different sort of political thing for Gwen to go against in order to stand up for her religion. :D


I hope I helped you. Really, you are a talented writer... Even though you're writing such a hugely religious story.. pffft (die-hard atheist here...). You just need to make a few corrections and take some unnecessary details out of the first chapter. And you need to strengthen your plot.

I really hope I helped!
PM for questions or whatever,
Lena
stay gold, ponyboy




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Hey,

This was a nice start but I think some changes need to take place.

1. You have to explain the presidency murder-kidnapping or whatever more. The president is constantly surronded by the Secret Service. Like ALL THE TIME. They are on a constatnt watch of the president so this is pretty close to impossible. Maybe you could have the evil guy be the secretary advisory or something of the Pres. so he can be closer, but this senario is like, AU.

2. I strongly dislike how the characters can talk about becoming a supercountry without any conflict. If Obama decided one morning that we will now join with even just Canada, he'll get so much rebellion, that the Army would have to be called in. Another virtually impossible situation, because the President doesn't even have complete control over these things. He can't just sign a paper and now America is part of a supercountry, it has to go through Congress and Supreme Court because it goes against our Constitution. These main characters are so freely talking about this, it's just very unrealistic.

3. I understand that your story is just starting but your characters seem so bland and cliche to me, main stream boredom. Make them unique, give them a conflict to deal with.


Other than the above stated, I think you have a really well-written piece of work! :)

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Music and Insanity
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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Ah, thanks so much!
The more I read over it, the more I find the characters to be too 'Mary-Sue' and boring. True, the N.W.O does seem impossible, I shall strongly revise it...
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




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Reviews 182
I have a new world order in my book too. Just PM me if you need any suggestions.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



No matter what happens I'll always know there's a quote of mine in the YWS quote generator.
— looseleaf