Young Writers Society

WARNING!!! This novel bit contains a ton of Christianity, so if you are only going to bash the religious and political viewpoints, then don't even bother to say anything.

Prologue:
Jasmine Kline winced in half pain, and half fear as the cold steel gun pushed further into her spine. There were two men dressed in black along with General Carlen, who she met many times when she was with her father. She was lying face down, on the couch in her father’s oval office, crying as she looked at her mother, who sat in compliance in a large golden-tone wing-backed chair.
“Sign it!” General Carlen yelled at her father. Waving a gun he had in his left hand. Looking at Carlen this angry made Jasmine quiver in fear. She had always thought General Carlen was scary, but this side of his was pure evil, unlike his ‘Christianity’ front he always put on. Jasmine knew the difference between good and evil, she was raised that way. The devil was evil, and wanted everyone not to believe in God, who was good. The Kline family were fervent Christians, always attended church on Sunday, read the bible, and prayed, prayed that God would keep America safe, them safe, and lead them through the right direction.
“Or I’ll kill her and your precious wife!” Carlen sneered. Glancing at Jasmine’s mother Claire. Claire was a petite woman with short auburn brown hair, with the class and elegance of being first lady, now shattered as tears fell down her face. Dear God, please help us. Please help America. Don’t let this happen. She said in a silent prayer.
“Never!” Peter Kline yelled, stained in his own blood, from the beating he took from Carlen’s assistants.
“I will not put America though the pain and suffering you desire! We will not become apart of this ‘new world order’ every other country seems to be agreeing on. America is free, has been free, and will be free as long as I am president!”
The man dressed in black followed orders from his general, and struck the president across the face with the butt of his gun, the president grunted in pain, more blood slowly flowing down the side of his face.
“If you don’t sign the agreement I will kill you and your family, and I will start a coupe uprising!” The general screamed.
“What part of that can you not get through your stupid little head?!”
“What part of my answer do you not understand? N-O spells NO!”
“Fine then.” The general grabbed the gun from his left hand, still keeping the right tight against Jasmine’s spine, and shot Claire in the leg. The sound hurt everyone in the room’s ears.
“Mommy!!” The young eight-year-old screamed.
“Shut up!” General Carlen cursed, calling the girl a word that would make a sailor blush.
“Don’t sign it Peter!” Claire yelled. Writhing in pain.
“Oh don’t worry, it’s just a flesh wound, but perhaps the next shot will do some more damage.” Carlen laughed in an evil sort of way.
“Or I could just kill her now and spare her the suffering. But that takes all the fun out of it.”
“You sick son of a-” The president stopped mid-sentence, and glanced at his daughter. I’m so sorry sweetie. He thought. She was growing up to become quite a little lady. Her soft blonde tendrils that shone in the sunlight, her beautiful spirit for people who were in need, she was not naïve, she was wise beyond her years, but still held the innocence of an eight year old. Jasmine was still clutching the doll that was given to her by the prime minister of Japan last month at the U.N summit regarding the very same thing General Carlen wants, one world government. Only, General Carlen wanted to control that one world government, wanted to control the world. For what? Only God knew. Peter shuddered at the thought of what kind of damage Carlen could do.
“Times a tickin’ Mr. President. What’ll it be? The easy way, right now? Or will I need to kill you and your family, and strong arm the nation into my ruling?”
Carlen raised the gun towards Claire’s head. Claire looked up at him, staring down the barrel of his nine-millimeter glock, tears spilt down her face.
“Three… Two… One-”
“OKAY, STOP, PLEASE! I’LL SIGN IT!” Peter yelled, as he signed the agreement, hands shaking so hard he didn’t know if it would be legible. Tears fell down his cheeks.
“Too late.” The General snickered as he pulled the trigger.
“NO!!” Peter screamed in horror and agony as he saw his wife’s deceased body hit the floor. Jasmine wiggled out of the General’s hold and ran towards her now lifeless mother.
“Dear God, please forgive me.” He sobbed.




Chapter 1:
One minute Gwen Mattherson was in homeroom, on the last day of junior year, sitting next to her best friend Jack Faulkner in Plant City, Florida. Waiting for the clock to strike 3:15 so she could get out of school and get into summer break.
And the next minute she was in some other place.
“Where am I?” She asked. Looking through the white haze. Gwen blinked furiously, trying the get her eyes to focus in.
“You’re here, in heaven.” A voice came from afar.
“a- am I dead?”
“No, no you’re not dead, you are chosen.” A man dressed in a white tunic and sandals approached her, he was bright, so bright Gwen thought her eyes would surely be damaged. But yet the light was so warm and inviting.
“Who are you? What do you mean I’m chosen? Chosen for what?” She continued, still bewildered by the man’s brightness.
“I am an angel, and you are chosen to lead the silent into victory.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come with me.” The angel walked. Gwen followed the angel, and then the awe of heaven hit her. There were beautiful white beaches, with the purest of blue water she wanted to reach out and touch it. And to her right was magnificent mountains, with the most colorful greenery, and the whitest of snow at the peaks. It was as if the whole world was compressed into a smaller, yet purer world, where everything was clean, with no corruption, no faults, everything was perfect, it was heaven after all. As they walked though the sand on the beach, the angel continued.
“There has been an uprising in your world. All the countries have agreed to sit under a one world government.”
“Yeah I saw it on the news.”
“Yes but what the ‘news’ hasn’t told you is that Christianity is under fire, your president may be the soon coming ruler, but something has gone wrong, Satan has got his hand in the deal. It has already happened, a military coup is uprising and as soon as your president is crowned king the uprising will begin, and the new ruler will ban not only Christianity but all religions, and make the world bow to him as the supreme god!”
“But what does this have to do with me?”
“It has everything to do with you! You are a Christian, if you weren’t you wouldn’t even be here! You are chosen to lead the silent! The Christians! You must overthrow the ruler and free the world!” The angel became restless.
“But… But what do I do? I can’t do this alone, I’m only sixteen no one will listen to a sixteen year-old!!” Gwen cried, overwhelmed by everything she heard. She was not only a devout Christian, but a patriot, she couldn’t believe the president would allow this, but then again, maybe he had no choice.
“You will know what to do when the time comes. You will not be alone; Jack will be there to help you. So what, you are sixteen. Was not Josahia only eight ears of age when he ruled Israel?”
“Well, yes.”
“Now I have another question. Are you willing?” The angel looked into her deep hazel eyes. Gwen thought for a minute, her head spinning, shaking in the fear of what could happen if she said yes, and the fear of what would happen if she said no. She pushed the paralyzing fear out and let her faith in God swallow her whole. She choked back the tears and with a gasp found the words hidden deep inside.
“Yes, I will.” She said.
“But… one final question…”
“Yes?” the angel looked at her.
“Will I die?”
The angel smiled as tears of spilled down his cheeks.
“It isn’t the physical death you should fear.”
The next thing she knew she was back in homeroom, the clock at the same place when she left.

First off, I want you to know that you have amazing talent, and this is probably the best story I've read on here so far. I especially think that the prolouge is great and very in-depth. You should really keep on writing this story, and I even think the name is very good. Maybe it could be "The Silent", but "Silent" sounds very good also. Great work!

This is the first christian-based story I've ever seen on YWS. Thank you! I cannot wait to see what happens next. This was very intense- especially the first part. I like how you jumped right into the story. But if the whole thing was like this, the pace might be a little too fast. So later some more description would be nice. Oh and tell us more about the main character some more too.
Okay, that's about it. Keep writing and post more soon!

Hello Rocky dear, I'm here as you asked. Now I'm not at all a religious person, but I didn't find it too bad, a little too christian for my taste, but it's alright.

Now what I would suggest to you, is adding some character development in, don't just thrust your main character into the heat of the action without us, the readers really knowing who she is. Give the reader a little time to get to know her. Try inserting a bit before she goes to school, she might be hearing about what's going on with the NWO on the news, or something. Because so far I know nothing about this character really, and I do want to know at least a little.

Hope I helped somewhat!

~Hope

Hello Rocki!!! Okay, I really liked the idea. You have quite some talent. I can't wait to read more. There are quite a few grammatical errors though. I know we all get excited. So anyways, here are a few of the errors I found.

There were two men dressed in black along with General Carlen, who she met many times when she was with her father.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure "who" should be "whom" unless if the "who" is just referring to General Carlen.

The devil was evil, and wanted everyone not to believe in God, who was good.

There shouldn't be a comma after "evil".

She was lying face down, on the couch in her father’s oval office, crying as she looked at her mother, who sat in compliance in a large golden-tone wing-backed chair.

Sureal says it should be like this: "She was lying face down on the couch in her father’s oval office, crying as she looked at her mother." to make it run more smoothly.

The Kline family were fervent Christians, always attended church on Sunday, read the bible, and prayed, prayed that God would keep America safe, them safe, and lead them through the right direction.

This is a really long sentence. You may want to consider splitting it into two. i.g "The Kline family were fervent Christians. They always attended church on Sunday, read the bible, and parayed. They prayed that God would keep America safe, them safe, and lead them through the right direction."

“Sign it!” General Carlen yelled at her father. Waving a gun he had in his left hand.

This should be rewritten as: "“Sign it!” General Carlen yelled at her father, waving a gun he held in his left hand."

“Or I’ll kill her and your precious wife!” Carlen sneered. Glancing at Jasmine’s mother Claire.

It's the same problem here. "Glancing at Jasmine's mother Claire" and "Waving a gun he had in his left hand" are not sentences, they are phrases. To be specific, subordinate/dependent phrase, they can not strand alone.

Claire was a petite woman with short auburn brown hair, with the class and elegance of being first lady, now shattered as tears fell down her face.

I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. Try rephrasing it.

“Never!” Peter Kline yelled, stained in his own blood, from the beating he took from Carlen’s assistants.
“I will not put America though the pain and suffering you desire! We will not become apart of this ‘new world order’ every other country seems to be agreeing on. America is free, has been free, and will be free as long as I am president!”

There shouldn't have been a new paragraph, it was still Peter speaking I believe. There also shouldn't be a comma after blood. We do not put commas before prepositional phrases.

The man dressed in black followed orders from his general, and struck the president across the face with the butt of his gun, the president grunted in pain, more blood slowly flowing down the side of his face.

Should be written like this: "The man dressed in black followed orders from his general and struck the president across the face with the butt of his gun. The president grunted in pain, more blood slowly flowing down the side of his face."

“If you don’t sign the agreement I will kill you and your family, and I will start a coupe uprising!” The general screamed.
“What part of that can you not get through your stupid little head?!”
“What part of my answer do you not understand? N-O spells NO!”

This should be written like this: "“If you don’t sign the agreement I will kill you and your family, and I will start a coupe uprising!” The general screamed,“What part of that can you not get through your stupid little head?!”
“What part of my answer do you not understand? N-O spells NO!""

“Don’t sign it Peter!” Claire yelled. Writhing in pain.

"Writhing in pain." is a phrase.

It would take quite some time for me to go through this whole chapter so I'm not going to. Your grammar is fairly well for the most part. Most of your mistakes are the same. I'm sure that someone who writes as well as you must also be a fast learner. I sugggest that you read over your story a couple of times and edit it. I'll look at it again after that. I loved the story.

Okay well I'm gonna ignore the christian bit because that's just your personal preference and a backdrop that could be done with any religion. I like the idea of an evil guy taking over the world with just one government and then someone comes and trys to save the world. The change was interesting it went from a good idea to a wow, okay, heaven, Satan um I guess I'll read the rest.

At the moment I think the characters don't have enough character and the world they live in isn't fleshed out enough. Oh by the way you say coupe uprising, the definition of a coupe is basically uprising so you don't have to put it after it. Overall I think that after a few things this could be a really good book, if you were gonna take it that far,

1. Make the character more like people less of ideals

2. Flesh out the world, that's as simple as saying something like the weather was sunny or the room felt glum and sad much like the teacher that doweled in it.

3. Tone down the America, America, America and the I'm super christian. [that more on a I thinks it's annoying note, lot's of people would probably be cool with it.

Hey Little Pet!
I loved your story, you have an amazing talent, I loved how you placed everything in the story and how you described it, but I love the little twist in the prologue.
But there are things that can be improved.

1.so as for the prologue, Bravo! I loved it, I really did. But I think you have to improve some parts in your dialogue because it sounded flat sometimes. So i think you should try to review it and add a little more intrigue into it. Remember that the dialog is important for the development of the characters and the story.

2. For the first chapter, I liked it. To be honest I liked the whole story.lol.
But I think you jumped right into the story way too fast and that's a setback for a reader because it makes the story a bit confusing. You jumped and made us jump, from the prologue to the place in heaven. Try to keep a normal pace for us to follow and set things up before jumping right into the main story.

3.Now for your character, you have to develop her more because right now she's very flat even when she's already in action. I'd like to know more about her. I mean, she's a teenager! and teenagers are immersed in their very own world, so show us more about her world.

4. Her best friend, I think he needs and actually deserves an introduction because right now he's only mentioned and that makes me think he's not an important piece in the story when he actually is because he'll help Gwen.

5. The overall situation now. You need to set things up because right now we don't see what the problem is in America and how does that affect the characters. So try to build it up more so we can see what's going on.

So that's all, hope I helped and Pm me if you have any questions.

The man dressed in black followed orders from his general, and struck the president across the face with the butt of his gun, the president grunted in pain, more blood slowly flowing down the side of his face.

What! He's the President? Maybe you should have mentioned that earlier, because frankly I was imagining him as just a regular father. The news of him actually being the President was way too abrupt.

“If you don’t sign the agreement I will kill you and your family, and I will start a coupe uprising!” The general screamed.

You already mentioned the General's motive on killing the family. Perhaps you could edit that out of this part?

“What part of that can you not get through your stupid little head?!”

There's really no reason for this sentence to be separated from the previous one. It is the General saying it right? It actually confuses if you leave it separate. Because, for a minute I thought this was the dad talking until I realized that he spoke after this.

“Fine then.” The general grabbed the gun from his left hand, still keeping the right tight against Jasmine’s spine, and shot Claire in the leg. The sound hurt everyone in the room’s ears.

I had to read the sentence in blue twice, and it still didn't make sense. Try something like: The sound hurt the ears of everybody in the room. (Actually how does the protagonist know that it hurt everybody's ears? Is the protagonist psychic?)

“You sick son of a-” The president stopped mid-sentence, and glanced at his daughter. I’m so sorry sweetie. He thought. She was growing up to become quite a little lady. Her soft blonde tendrils that shone in the sunlight, her beautiful spirit for people who were in need, she was not naïve, she was wise beyond her years, but still held the innocence of an eight year old. Jasmine was still clutching the doll that was given to her by the prime minister of Japan last month at the U.N summit regarding the very same thing General Carlen wants, one world government. Only, General Carlen wanted to control that one world government, wanted to control the world. For what? Only God knew. Peter shuddered at the thought of what kind of damage Carlen could do.

I suggest you change "that" to "the"

“Too late.” The General snickered as he pulled the trigger.

“NO!!” Peter screamed in horror and agony as he saw his wife’s deceased body hit the floor. Jasmine wiggled out of the General’s hold and ran towards her now lifeless mother.

Wow! I didn't even need to have a detail of the gunshot to hear it in my mind. Although, wouldn't it be better to bring down Jasmine's action down a line? But, regardless I applaud you. That is perhaps the best moment I have ever read in any story on here. Pure genius!

“You’re here, in heaven.” A voice came from afar.

The period should be a comma. Or are you from a country where commas aren't used to end dialogue?

“a- am I dead?”

The "a" should be capitalized.

“No, no you’re not dead, you are chosen.” A man dressed in a white tunic and sandals approached her, he was bright, so bright Gwen thought her eyes would surely be damaged. But, yet the light was so warm and inviting.

I could be wrong about adding the comma in red, but I do know that omitting "so" would make that sentence flow better.

“Yes, but what the ‘news’ hasn’t told you is that Christianity is under fire, your president may be the soon coming ruler, but something has gone wrong, Satan has got his hand in the deal. It has already happened, a military coup is uprising and as soon as your president is crowned king the uprising will begin, and the new ruler will ban not only Christianity but all religions, and make the world bow to him as the supreme god!”

“Well, yes.”

Everything was so powerful and dramatic initially, and then when those two words of dialogue appeared I was like, well that killed the moment. May I suggest you replace it with something like: "Yes," she whispered. OR: whatever variation you come up with.

“But… one final question…”

Again you skip a line when it is the same person talking.

The angel smiled as tears of spilled down his cheeks.

OK, first of all tears of what? And second isn't heaven a place where there cannot be tears? I read that in the book of revelation I think. Now, I'm agnostic, but live with a religious family. But, I do read the Bible every so often. In fact there is always one lying around the house. There is even one next to my computer monitor as I write this. Here I will look up the quote: Revelation 21:4 "And God shall wipe away all the tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any pain: for the former things are passed away."

Final words: This story was absolutely amazing! I didn't even feel like doing a review, because then I could have pretended not to notice any grammar mistakes. Darn reviewing Sunday. But, you could go back and edit according to the suggestions you have received, thus making your story even better. And please do consider what I quoted for you. After all research is important huh? Don't think just because I'm not religious that I won't know a thing or two about Christianity. In fact, I myself have a book with a Christian theme. Keep the story going! Don't leave me in suspense!

By the way about the title. There is a book called Silenced by Jerry Jenkins that is very similar to this. In that book religion is banned by a New World Order. But, in that book the protagonist is a member of the New World Order and hunts down Christians, who are considered enemies of the New World Order. So your current title of Silent can sound kind of mimicy. Funny word choice isn't it? Mimicy isn't even a real word. Anyway, ignore more weirdness.

Hi PenNPaper here to review!
Very well written, no punctuation or grammatical mistakes or whatsoever.
You could described how Gwen got to heaven, you just jump straight to the scene of heaven, it would seem almost instantaneous(if that is what you wanted).
Your descriptions of the first part of the story is alright, second fine too, good job on that. Hopefully you will continue the story, it seems to have potential.

Good luck and keep writing, bye for now!

So, is there a continuation?

I'm not so much a fan of religious stuff in stories (not trying to be offensive...I'm a Christian too, it's just more of a preference; either way though, stick to your faith), but still an interesting beginning. I would tweak it a little bit and maybe slow it down a little, give people time to gain a relationship with the characters before they're taken from the story. Was Claire a fragile person who often cried, or is she usually stronger? What about their daughter? Did she truly understand the situation, or was she lost in confusion? Things like this will really impact a story.