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The Marionette by the snow



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Fri Dec 25, 2009 10:55 pm
foxfire says...



The moment their eyes gazed at each other with widened eyes and stiff bodies, the shadows started to appear. They stood at the end of a track way just behind a small wooden gate. Thin trees surrounded them. Its branches stretched outwardly over an empty ground covered in snow. The shades darkened the ground forming a veil of darkness against the cloudless sky.
The girl stood up slowly from the snow looking at the man with pursed lips. She covered a small box that was huddled in her arms. It resembled her maroon robe that covered most of her body from neck to foot. The man stood stiff before her. He held the straps of his knapsack with both hands.
“Sorry to scare you, Miss.” The man apologized as he brushed the back of his neck.
The girl narrowed her eyes. She looked at him from foot to head while moving backwards away from him.
“Who are you?” she inquired him.
“I am just a traveler, Miss.” The man answered hoarsely. “I just came here to –”
“Who are you?” the girl repeated the question.
“Cato Durman.”
“Who are you?!” the girl exclaimed as she gritted her teeth.
“Miss, calm down, I am not here to hurt you,” Cato claimed as he offered a hand to the girl. The girl in reply grasped her possession tightly. She breathed heavily against her mouth while her long brown hair covered almost half of her face.
“Who are you!” she snarled against him. The man moved backwards with both hands before him. For a moment, he stopped breathing to glance at the girl before her. Her hair and robe were filled with snow while a raw pungency escaped from her mouth to his nose. When he bumped a small bricked fence, the girl turned around quickly. She gave Cato one last look before she rushed into the woodland.
“Wa –wait!” Cato cried out but the girl had already vanished into the darkness of the forest.

As the sun descended beneath the thick grove, the shadows began to emerge. From the ground they rose up to the trees veiling it with their shade. Some of the trees became one with the twilight while the rest took the form of biomorphic creatures that has their branches stretched outwardly into the dim sky.
At the centre of the forest just before a large crack boulder was a small clearing where the girl stayed. She sat there huddling herself against a small bonfire she had made from dead leaves and small rotten branches. Her possession was camouflaged by her long, loosely held maroon robe.
As the crickets began to play their music, the girl ate the roasted corpse of a rabbit. Her eyes never left her possession on her lap while her hand brushed the sharp edge of a wooden spear. So when she heard a faint crack, she rose quickly to her feet. She placed her possession tucked under her right arm while stiffly holding her spear on her left.
“Who are you?” she shouted as she stepped forward. Her hand was tightly gripping the spear.
“Who are you?” she repeated. From a small leeway between two trees came a bent figure. His upper body was filled with layers of snow. He looked at her through blue goggle and spoke. His words, though, were muffled by the scarf tied tightly around his mouth and nose. As the figure stood up straight straightening his knapsack, he gave a wave to the girl.
“Who are you?” the girl shouted gritting her teeth.
Slowly, the man took away his scarf that covered his mouth to pull up the goggles to his forehead.
“Cato Durman,” he replied as he stared at the girl.
The girl paused for a moment to look at him. She raised her head, revealing her pale grey eyes and her light brown skin. She took a few steps forward, her breath partly ruptured, stopping less than a meter away from him. With it, she raised her spear at him nudging his thick black beard.
“Who are you?” the man replied hoarsely with a small grin on his face. “You had asked me many times already. So can you tell me who you are?”
The girl simply stared at him. His eyes were now filled with a void of darkness, his skin now seemed flat and solid.
“Who …are… you?” she replied slowly as the crickets suddenly stopped their melody. From it, a billow of wind raged against the thick grove blowing away the dancing fires. Above, the moon rose from its exile brightening the forest as it revealed their biomorphic forms against the twilight.
The girl turned her head around, breathing gruffly through her mouth. Her eyes widened as she witness a number of fish-like shadows hovering above the trees. Its outlines glowed with a small radiance. As the shades passed the boulder, a crack was heard behind it. This crack was followed by another, then another, and another until they formed a single sound through the groves.
“Who …are… you?” the girl whispered as she pulled her spear away from the mouth of the man but it held back. Cato had taken hold of it.
“Who are you!” she screamed as she faced, with a gaping mouth, to a person who was once Cato. From a man, he had now taken the form of a large puppet. Its body seemed small against the clothing and the knapsack it held. It made wooden clicks through the bolts that held its body together.
The girl pulled her spear away from Cato fiercely but he moved forward. Once the moonshine illuminated its face, the girl gazed in horror its dead-like eyes that seem to stare blankly before an empty space. Its small mouth seems to quiver attempting to speak through its wooden body.
“Gib… mi,” the puppet Cato said as he pulled the spear away from her. The girl fell forcefully to the snow moving backwards as Cato positioned the spear above its head, its tips targeting the girl’s chest.
“Gib…mi,” the puppet spoke as he stroked her.
From the scream that came from her mouth, the forest was veiled in darkness as the branches of the trees had block off the sky. The moon no longer gave the forest its light for the branches had joined together. Their once thin branches had transformed into thick root-like object in which they sought for each other.
They had formed an almost ceiling-like structure that separated the night sky from the darkness of the forest.
“Are you?” the girl murmured to her own self to what it seemed an hour. When she opened her eyes she saw a close-up face of a puppet before her. Its large dead eyes stared at her intently. Its thin wavy hair brushed against her shoulders.
She shrieked kicking the puppet’s head off from its body. Hurriedly, she rose to her feet and made her way out of the flat ground by the boulder.
As she entered the dark woods, she took one look behind. She noticed a large number of marionettes wrestling Cato for the spear. Their bodies were much smaller than the puppet Cato. Yet on their bellies lay another doll-like face. Its large pink eyes blinked continuously as it murmured wordlessly. At the distance behind the boulder, more had arrived.
Their walk resembled that of a man who had walked off from his wheelchair. It was slow and sluggish, waving to and fro to the sides. Before the sight would disappear through the thick woods, the puppets stared their large blank eyes at her.
With the fishes, she ran within the dark woods. She saw no light penetrating through the thick branches that shielded them from the evening sky. The cricket’s melody was replaced by the branches that scraped each other’s bark.
Behind her, she heard the footsteps of the puppets against the snow. It resembled that of a ticking clock where the sound it created was faint, almost soundless. Suddenly, the shadows of the fishes illuminated by its small radiance began to dissolve in the surrounding darkness. One by one, these shadows were pulled back.
When the girl looked back, she saw the marauding shadows of the puppets snatching up the tail of the fishes. Behind her, the lifeless eyes of the marionettes glowed against the nightfall.
At the far end came a light, faint like the first sunlight. As she drew near, the girl noticed the place as the small flat ground with the wooden gate and the thin trees. By her arms, she felt the soft beating of her heart. Slowly, she stretched out her hand clutching the opening at the far end. Open, close, open, close, she repeated with her hand imagining reaching the place.
As she felt her body smashing against the snow at the flat plain before the wooden gate, the shadows of the fishes dispersed outward from the dark woods. They floated in the air before their shady fragile shapes scattered into an explosion of snow.
Behind it came the marauding mass of puppets. The girl crawled farther away from the entrance to the dark woods. She witnessed as the puppets came out of the darkness into the open plains. Their hands that stretched out transformed into branches outwardly. Their bodies turned into trunks in which their small pale heads was covered with foliage. The doll-like face at their belly blossomed into flowers.
One by one, she witnessed all of these until to the point that the wood’s entrance was block by a large bended tree. Its thick branches speared the ground. Through this, as the girl slowly stood up from the events that she witnessed, a spear came from the woods.
The puppet figure of Cato leapt from the bended tree only to explode into a cluster of withered leaves. Yet, on the soft snowy ground, the spear struck the box the girl had held precious. The box opened to reveal a small beating heart that continued to throb slowly as the sunlight embraced the morning. The branches that had blocked the night moved away from each other to let the light shine within the dark woods.
On the centre of it all, the girl lay on the snow. Her arms and legs spread outward. Her face directed to the box just inches away from its face. Her dead hollow eyes gazed towards the beating heart that was inflicted by the spear. The girl lay there still without a single movement as the first snow fell on her wooden body.
Last edited by foxfire on Wed Dec 30, 2009 11:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
John McClane: Drop it. It's the police.
Tony: You won't hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me
  





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Sat Dec 26, 2009 4:35 am
Earthfire713 says...



Spoiler! :
Oh, wow, that was creepy and sad at the end.
You did a really great job, especially on the first paragraph, which was a great hook. You misspelled a couple of words though, and remember to stay in the same tense--sometimes you switched from past to present. Other than those things, your story was awesome, and I loved your imagery. Keep writing!
  





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Sat Dec 26, 2009 7:50 pm
Mira says...



Fox, this was a wonderful piece. :) I enjoyed reading it very much. But, on to the review. ;)

My changes will be in bold, unless otherwise noted.

It was at the moment when their eyes gazed at each other, when the shadows appeared.

This sentence seems incomplete. You should elaborate on what happened at that moment: was it love or fear? We know that the girl meet Cato, but the first sentence makes it seem that something more is going on. If you just change the structure, it may flow better.

Thin trees surrounded them. Their branches stretched outwardly to an empty ground covered in snow.

The word 'its' didn't fit in with the plural 'trees'. ;)

She covered her possession, a small box, huddled within her arms with a loin clothe.

This didn't seem to flow very well when I was reading it. Perhaps something like: She covered a small box that was huddled in her arms, etc.

“Cato Durman.

There should be a period here.

“Miss, calm down, I am not here to hurt you,” Cato claimed as he offered a hand to the girl.


She looked one last look at Cato before she rushed into the woodland.

It's a little repetitive to say 'look' so shortly after 'looked'. It would sound better to say something like: She gave Cato one last last and then rushed into the woodland.

From the ground they rose up to the trees, veiling it with their shade.

I'd move the comma to after trees.

Her eyes never left her possession on her lap while her other hand brushed the sharp edge of a wooden spear.

The word 'leaving' makes the sentence incomplete; also, I would get rid of the word 'other'. You haven't mentioned the first hand, so there's no need to specify 'other.'

“Who are you?” she repeated and from it came a bent figure.

What is 'it'?

His face was covered with a scarf covering his mouth and nose while his eye was covered by blue goggles.

This sentence is a little repetitive. You should change the wording a bit and add a little action into it. For example, 'He looked at her through blue goggle and spoke. His words, though, were muffled by the scarf tied tightly around his mouth and nose.'

She raised her head, revealing her pale grey eyes and her light brown skin.


She took a few steps forward, her breath partly ruptured, stopping less than a meter away from him.


The girl simply stared at him. His eyes were now filled with a void of darkness, his skin now seemed flat and solid.

There's no need to say that she is staring at him again. ;) Instead, just describe what makes her so fearful, so shocked, so hesitant... This is a great paragraph by the way; I loved it when I was reading through.

The girl turned her head around, breathing gruffly.


“Who are you!” she screamed as she faced Cato but gape her mouth once she realized that Cato was not what he was used to be. From a man, he had now taken the form of a large puppet.

The first sentence is just a bit confusing. If you change the wording, I'm sure it'll be much better. ;) The second sentence is very effective, at least, it was with me. :)

Her eyes widened as she witness a number of fish-like shadows hovering above the trees. Their outlines glowed with a small radiance.


Hurriedly, she rose to her feet and made her way out of her place.

What makes it her place? I think if you put she made her way out of the grove, it would be a little more effective. ;)

Before she the sight would disappear the puppets stared their large blank eyes at her.

This sentence is just a bit confusing to me.

From it, the box opened to reveal a small heart, beating heart that continued to move slowly as the sunlight embraced the morning.

I would delete 'From it' from the text and just start the sentence with 'The box opened'.

On the centre of it all, the girl lay on the snow. Its arms and legs spread outward. Its face directed to the box just inches away from its face. Its dead hollow eyes gazed towards the beating heart that was inflicted by the spear. The girl lay there still without a single movement as the first snow fell on her wooden body.

I love the conclusion to this piece. It's effective. However, the transition from 'the girl' to 'its' is rough. The sudden change of describtion takes away from the powerful ending. I like that you say 'its' and bring the reader awareness that the girl is a marionette, but I believe it needs to be executed a little differently.

Overall: This was a wonderful piece. There are a few things that needed work, but I completely adored this piece. It was mysterious and creative, something that kept my attention throughout the entire work. Well done, Fox. Well done. :D

~Mira
"Smiles make the world go round." ~ Me
  





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Mon Dec 28, 2009 9:03 am
Chirantha says...



Hi Foxfire,

Well, now this is a rather mysterious story. It was sort of hard to understand, but I got some parts at the least. :D

Mistakes

It was at the moment when their eyes gazed at each other, when the shadows appeared.

This would be better when said like, "The moment their eyes gazed at each other, shadows started to appear."

Its branches stretched outwardly to an empty ground covered in snow.

Seems better to say, "Its branches stretched outwardly over an empty ground covered in snow"

The shades darkened the ground transforming a veil of darkness against the cloudless sky.

"Transforming" is not the exact word that should be used here, because you haven't written anything about the shades transforming into something. Make it just 'forming' as it seems to convey more direct meaning.

biomorphic creatures that stretched outwardly their branches into the dim sky.

I think this should be, "biomorphic creatures that had their branches stretched outwardly into the dim sky"

Her possession was camouflaged by her long loosely maroon robe.

Maybe you can add, "her long, loosely held maroon robe"?

she repeated and from it came a bent figure.

When you say, from it, did you mean, from the darkness or something? If so, right it, or the reader will get confused.

So can you tell me who are you?”

I think this should be, "So can you tell me who you are?"

he took one look behind.

Shouldn't this be, she?

She noticed a large number of marionettes wrestling off Cato for the spear.

You should cut the 'off' here. It's not necessary.

Before she the sight

Before she what?

the box opened to reveal a small heart, a beating heart, that continued to move slowly as the sunlight embrace the morning.

This should be, "the box opened to revealed a small beating heart, that continued throb slowly as the sunlight embraced the morning."

Its arms and legs spread outward.

'Its' should be 'her'

Characters

I think I would have preferred more description about the characters. Only a little bit more, that is. Because, I know you provided us a descent description, but to me it does not seem adequate. So, try adding a few more.

Descriptions

The descriptions about the scenery was superb. They were marvelously written according the progress of the story. I really like the imagery that formed in my head.

Overall

Well, the story was an uncommon one and had a real mysterious background to it. The way you wrote it was the main part of this story that intrigued me. It seemed realistic, that's the best thing a story can have with a setting like this. Especially in a side as fantasy. Well done.

Good luck. :D
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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Sun Mar 14, 2010 3:03 am
jokeless7jester says...



I really quite enjoyed that. The strangeness and suspense were marvelous and the idea was rather perfect. Marvelous. Just marvelous.
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