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Luminescence: Part One - A Twilight Fanfic [POLL]



Should I attempt to get this published?

Yes, self publish
1
8%
Yes, send it to a publishers
2
15%
Yes, but I don't know which option would be best
4
31%
No
4
31%
Maybe
1
8%
I don't know
1
8%
 
Total votes : 13


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Mon Aug 24, 2009 11:39 am
MissMiaFacinelli says...



This is a little (well, long) something I wrote whilst on vacation this year. I was inspired by Twilight!! I hope you like it x

*****************************

Carefully, as carefully as I could, I crept through the meadow. I had heard the wolf circling the open field, and didn’t want to have to explain myself. Pausing by a patch of cornflowers, I gazed up at the house before me. It was white washed, with huge floor-to-ceiling windows. I could see beautifully sculpted furniture behind the slightly tinted glass and smiled. I lived for beautiful things. I knew what I had to do. I had to wait outside until I heard their cars, and then make my way inside. Let’s see if Alice could foresee that.

I had timed it perfectly. Moments later I heard the purr of a Porsche engine at the end of the drive. I bounded forwards and slid a tool smoothly out of my pocket and into the lock. A twist to the right, to the left and I was in.

It was even more beautiful inside than it had looked from outside. Spacious and fastidiously tidy, it looked more like a show home than a family home, albeit a family of vampires. Taking off my jacket, I arranged it fussily on the back of the cream couch, tucking the arms in and smoothing out the creases, before sitting down, carefully crossing my legs to avoid creasing the fabric.

Minutes later, I heard the cars stop outside. Standing up, I ran my hand through my hair and then I was ready.

As the key turned in the lock I held my breath, and then suddenly he was stood there: Edward Cullen, shielding Bella behind him, and her shielding Renesmee in turn. Outside I could see the startled faces of Esme and Dr Cullen, and then Edward was talking, and tears came to my eyes. He sounded so like my father, even stumbling over his words, that it made my heart tremble. Finally he got the words out:
“Who are you? What do you want?” And I sighed, and smiled, and then, pushing my mind outwards as I thought it, I introduced myself:
“My name is Amelia Masen.”

Those five short words resonated in everyone’s heads, and I hadn’t even opened my mouth. Edward’s mouth fell open in shock.

He recovered himself almost instantly. Seizing my arm, he pulled me into the lounge and forced me down onto the couch, into the seat I had vacated only moments previously. “Explain,” he hissed. “And do it fast. You should be old. You should be dead. You shouldn’t be here, and you definitely shouldn’t be able to do what you just did.” He hissed into my face, still clenching my shoulders tightly between his fingers.

“Edward, you’re hurting her. Let her go.”

Without looking up, I recognized the speaker. Dr Cullen was tugging on Edward’s arm, to little effect. Fuelled by his fear and shock, Edward’s already tremendous strength was more intense. Edward stared into my eyes, and I stared back into his. I knew he was shocked, as my eyes were not the usual nomadic crimson, but instead a “vegetarian” light gold.

Finally, he blinked and released his hold, and the relief of it was tremendous. I had seen the thoughts he had had, and they were tainted by rage and hate. He had seen himself attacking me, and although he still did, he had seen one outcome in Alice’s thoughts. And so had I. It was awful, and I was glad when moments later it changed to another, happier prospective future.

So it was a mixture of shock, relief and happiness that caused me to burst into tears a moment later, and as Esme rushed to comfort me, I felt a sense of deep longing to belong here, to be part of this happy family. “I’m not wearing contacts, by the way,” I stated, tearfully, in answer to their unspoken question. Once again, they looked dumbfounded and as my tears eased I ordered my thoughts and began to tell my story.

“I was born in Chicago in 1905, to Elizabeth and Edward Masen. I was their second, and last, child, the first being a boy, four years older than me. As soon as I was old enough to walk I would run to him, reaching out my arms to be picked up, and he would swing me on his shoulders and tickle me, all the things a brother should do. We became close, and I would follow him wherever he went. And even if he was sad, when I cried he would hold me in his arms and sing to me until I was happy again. I remember one time, he was crying so hard, with tears streaming down each cheek and he held me on his lap and sung, and his tears dripped into my hair, and I turned and hugged him…”

“Stop.”

The command from Edward was short, but it bore so much authority I stopped talking immediately. I didn’t know if he could hear me, but as soon as I thought it he spoke again. “I can hear you, you know. Stop it. Just stop thinking about it.” I nodded carefully and carried on.

“So, when my brother caught the Spanish Flu in 1917, I was sent to live with my aunt in the country. He didn’t know this, and before he could be told, my mother caught the Flu as well, my father having died in the first waves of the disease.

“I believe my brother thought I had died, and this final piece of knowledge weakened his already fragile state. Meanwhile, my mother died, and I was left alone with my aunt. My brother disappeared, presumed dead, and in 1919 my aunt sold her farm and moved with me to New York. The next year, I met Will in my English class at high school. I guess I always knew he was different, but I didn’t know what he really was. I guess I loved him for a while, and maybe he loved me, but in 1921 he attacked me in an alleyway and drank most of my blood.

“Appalled, he bit me again, so I could stay with him forever.
When I awoke, we left the city together, and I hunted for the first time. He wanted me to kill a human, but I couldn’t bear to. It was horrible, knowing what they were thinking, and then having to kill them, and so I hunted animals instead. Will and I stayed together, and I guess we loved each other for a while, but in 1927 we decided to split up, so I could travel America, and he could travel Europe.

“I travelled solo for a while, and in the 1940’s I met a young vampire with an extraordinary gift. Alice.”

Here she looked confused, and Edward shot a glance of pure evil in her direction.

“She was heading to meet a Dr Carlisle Cullen, a “vegetarian” vampire, and after the meeting she came back, full of tales of the good doctor and the strange bronze haired boy who was with him, Edward Masen, as he was known then. She convinced me to go with her when she moved in, but as we neared the house, I became horribly nervous, and so I wiped Alice’s mind of her memories of me and left her.

“I travelled for years, forgetting Edward Masen, until a few days ago in New York. I heard a nomad talking about this coven, and I set off to find you. I wanted to meet someone else like me, but besides that, I wanted to see the boy I had once made mud pies with in the back yard, had tied the neighbors’ front doors together with, had gone to the park with, had ridden my bike with. The boy who is now a man in his own right, with a wife and daughter to support, who doesn’t want to think about those times, or the sister he shared them with, who even now is planning how to get rid of me.

“Edward Cullen.”

At his name, he stood, and slammed from the room, furious. Bella ran after him, carrying Renesmee, followed by Emmett and Jasper, and finally Carlisle, whilst Rosalie moved to the other side of the room and eyed me suspiciously. Esme stayed sat on my left, and Alice came and sat on my right.

She hugged me, and then, in her familiar musical voice told me: “It’s OK. Edward doesn’t hate you, and I forgive you. I think that we’re going to get on even better the second time around!”
Here she smiled at me reassuringly.
“Alice, judging by what you’ve just seen…” – she frowned – “Then what makes you think there’ll even be a second time?” I asked. She didn’t reply, but I could tell I’d unnerved her.

“How did you know that?” she asked quietly. For in her head I’d seen Edward, furious, attacking me and throwing me from the house, telling me if I ever came back I wouldn’t be leaving again. I answered her question silently:
I can read thoughts, like my brother, and I can talk to people in their thoughts too. I can make people forget things too, which can be useful, although I’m sorry I did that to you, Alice.
I thought to them. Out loud I continued: “I can talk to more than one person at the same time too, which is how Esme heard that, and how you all heard my name earlier. It was difficult to learn to control, because although Edward would answer the things people thought rather than said out loud, I used to think responses to them. It was kinda awkward…” Here I stopped, letting them imagine their own endings.

Above our heads I heard Edward slamming doors, and him mentally telling everyone to leave him alone. I carefully repeated this message to those upstairs, and seconds later Jasper and Emmett crashed downstairs, already engaged in a wrestling match I saw them planning to continue outside.

Next came to Carlisle, slowly, sighing with every other step. Alice stood up, and Carlisle took her place.

Last to come was Bella, Nessie behind her, and whilst Bella went to talk to Jacob, the strange wolf-boy who had imprinted on her daughter, Nessie came and sat at my feet. Although she was only actually about two and a half, physically she was around eight or nine, and mentally much older. She looked a little like Edward and me, with the bronze coloured hair cascading round her pale face, but she had Bella’s eyes, a deep chocolate brown colour that I assumed had been the colour of Bella’s eyes, as mine had been green, like my mother’s, like –


Our mother’s”

This thought of Edward’s was suddenly prominent in his mind. I wasn’t even aware I was reading his thoughts until that moment.

Nessie smiled up at me, and as she placed her hand on my knee I saw Edward, holding her, swinging her around, playing the piano with her by his side, and then Edward upstairs, slamming doors, shouting, shouting at her, and then suddenly her face crumpled. I did it without thinking. I reached down and pulled her onto my lap, like Edward used to do to me, and I held her there, gently but firmly, and let her cry. Then, as she had shown me some of her Edward, I showed her some of mine. I showed her him when he was little, playing with me, giving me his ice cream, taking a beating from the gardener when I picked some of his best roses to make a fairy garland…

And then a thought popped into my head. I whispered it in her ear and she laughed, a beautiful, musical sound. She climbed down and proceeded to sit there, staring at me in wonderment.

Carlisle began to talk, completely calm, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, to sit there with the sister of the boy he saved from dying, all those years ago, now a vampire herself, discussing whether she should stay or go.
“Amelia…” was as far as I let him get before interrupting: “Aimee. Everyone calls me Aimee now.” He tried again.
“Aimee, Alice tells me that Edward will come round. I don’t doubt that he will, and therefore I think you should stay. You need him, and I think he needs you too. A friend – or family member – of Edward’s is more than welcome here as long as he is.” He finished, and paused to let me think. I had already thought it through, and had come to a decision several minutes previously.

“Carlisle, that’s very kind of you, but I’ve seen my brother doesn’t want me here. For that reason I’ve decided to go back to New York. So thank you, but no thank you.” I told him.
Standing, I made my exit. I stepped over Nessie, out the front door, past Jasper and Emmett wrestling in the meadow, to the beginning of the drive.
And that was as far as they let me get. Alice leapt from the trees in front of me, landed lightly and clutched hold of one arm. Esme, who had silently come up behind me, laughing delicately, grabbed the other and as they dragged me, somewhat less than kicking and screaming, back to the house, she explained:
“You are most definitely staying. You’re family, the only close biological family member any of us have left, and you’re not going anywhere!”

That said, Emmett was over to us like a shot, and in an instant he had me over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift and was running to the front door with me… or so I thought.
He ran straight past the house, my fists pummeling uselessly on his wide back. Then, with a triumphant whoop, he reached out, and slam-dunking me through an imaginary basket, he deposited me into the river, clothes and all. I screamed, letting him think it had been a shock, and disappeared well under water, finding a large patch of water weed and remaining there.

I saw their faces, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper and the smug (but slightly concerned) face of Emmett, peering into the murky depths of the river, searching for me. An idea formed, and I saw Alice smile as she saw it. Placing my feet carefully on the bottom, I leapt out of the water, arms out ready, and as I slammed into Emmett, I locked them around his neck. There was nothing he could do, and as my momentum pulled him down, he grabbed hold of Jasper, who was clutching Alice’s arm, who in turn grabbed Esme, who had been standing with her arm around Carlisle. As the six of us tumbled into the water, laughing and screaming, I knew I was truly part of the family.

Later on, after we had all dried off, Alice dragged me into her room, and played dress-up with me. At first I felt guilty, having dresses and tops and sweaters pulled over my head, while my brother was sat in his room, brooding, but all my escape attempts were thwarted by Alice’s visions, and she had Jasper stand outside the door, projecting a feeling of calm into the room, until my protests were silenced, and I finally began to have fun. Unlike Bella, who loathed being dressed up and styled and made up, I was quite happy to be “played with” like some bizarre, over-sized doll. And as soon as I started making suggestions, I instantly became Alice’s most favorite person ever. I told Jasper this silently, and he banged on the door and harassed Alice until she relented and declared him to be that person.

I smiled and laughed, but inside I ached, for I had never found that special person, and being around all these happy couples was hard. Even Nessie, my perfect, half-vampire niece, had a partner, albeit a boy who spent half the time as a wolf. I confessed this to Alice, and she smiled knowingly, telling me that I would find the perfect someone, eventually. I lamented that I had been waiting for eighty-eight years, and I still hadn’t found someone, but Alice smiled again, and told me that once she’d finished with me, every day, at least five boys would be begging me to go out with them.

“Yes,” I sighed. “But I don’t want a human. I want a vampire, a vegetarian, who has to love me for who I am, not for my looks.” She smiled again – that infuriating, know-it-all smile – and told me that she was finished. She unveiled the mirror with a flourish, and I gasped.

I hadn’t seen myself in her thoughts, I had carefully made sure not to, but I looked stunning. She had curled my hair, and it fell in bronze waves past my shoulders. My makeup was minimal, but it accentuated my eyes, but it was not the makeup or the hair that caught my eye the most. It was the dress, the deep blue dress with the plunging neckline and layers of floaty fabric that ended just below my knee that made me smile. “It’s Bella’s prom dress. I thought it would make your hair look good, and I was right!” she told me triumphantly. “Just let me dress you every day and we’ll have you your vampire husband by the end of the year!” I nodded. I knew she was right.

As the new day dawned, I was happy. In one day I had gained two brothers, four sisters, parents and a beautiful niece. And I was a step closer to getting the husband of my dreams.

******************************

Look out for Part Two - coming soon!
Last edited by MissMiaFacinelli on Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:08 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:27 pm
LowKey says...



Wow! An original twilight piece for once! I'm impressed. Normally, it's a cheesy re-do of Meyer's plot, a Bella and Edward and sometimes Jacob scene. It sounds like you've got the characters' voices down, and the beginning was good at setting the grounds for the story. Very nice work.

Something to work on was the flow. It got a little choppy at parts, hard to follow. A quick fix would be to go through and redo the formatting a bit.

At his name, he stood, and slammed from the room, furious. Bella ran after him, carrying Renesmee, followed by Emmett and Jasper, and finally Carlisle, whilst Rosalie moved to the other side of the room and eyed me suspiciously. Esme stayed sat on my left, and Alice came and sat on my left. She hugged me, and then, in her familiar musical voice told me: “It’s OK. Edward doesn’t hate you, and I forgive you. I think that we’re going to get on even better the second time around!” Here she smiled at me reassuringly.
“Alice, judging by what you’ve just seen…” she frowned “then what makes you think there’ll even be a second time?” I asked. I could tell I’d unnerved her.
“How did you know that?” she asked quietly. For in her head I’d seen Edward, furious, attacking me and throwing me from the house, telling me if I ever came back I wouldn’t be leaving again. I answered her question silently:
“I can read thoughts, like my brother, and I can talk to people in their thoughts too. I can make people forget things too, which can be useful, although I’m sorry I did that to you, Alice.” I thought to them. Out loud I continued: “I can talk to more than one person at the same time too, which is how Esme heard that, and how you all heard my name earlier. It was difficult to learn to control, because although Edward would answer the things people thought rather than said out loud, I used to think responses to them. It was kinda awkward…” Here I stopped, letting them imagine their own endings.


It's all kinda scrunched together. You had a double space between sections, which was good, but that's not consistent throughout.

For example:

At his name, he stood, and slammed from the room, furious. Bella ran after him, carrying Renesmee, followed by Emmett and Jasper, and finally Carlisle, whilst Rosalie moved to the other side of the room and eyed me suspiciously. Esme stayed sat on my left, and Alice came and sat on my left.

She hugged me, and then, in her familiar musical voice told me, “It’s OK. Edward doesn’t hate you, and I forgive you. I think that we’re going to get on even better the second time around!”

Here she smiled at me reassuringly.

“Alice, judging by what you’ve just seen…”


See how much more open it is? Go through and re-format it to be that. Then it'll be easier to see which areas are a little rough and which were just fine. It might be that none of it needs smoothing out, that it was all just the formatting. Give it all a fair chance though. There's always room for improvement.

I'm sorry this isn't as thorough as it could be, but I'm really tired at the moment, so the only thing that really popped out at me for you to change was the flow of it all. Other than that, it was actually pretty decent. For a twilight fanfic, it borders on brilliance, lol. It looks like you actually put some thought into your piece, came up with your own idea. It's not something regurgitated from the books. Actually, from the sounds of you next idea, your fan fictions might be something other writers of twilight fan fictions should hold as an example. You're introducing a new character in the next one, yes? One that's all your own? And the plot line certainly isn't one that Meyer wrote. It's pretty original sounding. Can't wait for you to post it. :) PM me when you do, yes?
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Wed Sep 02, 2009 4:35 pm
AquaMarine says...



That's really good, I get bored of most Twilight fan-fics, they never work for me. But this one was amazing. You haven't used Stephanie Meyer's plot, you've made up one of your own and got the characters completely right! One thing though it breaking up the text a bit more. Large blocks are intimidating!
keep writing!
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Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:15 pm
AlphaGirl01 says...



Wow. I found this piece very hard to look away from. You really drew me in with the opening paragraph. It was fantastic!
Characters: You really had the Twilight characters down. Usually when I read Twilight Fan Fiction, I get kind of bored and can easily look away, but not your story. :D
Grammar: Your grammar was pretty much flawless, so good job on that.
Plot: You pretty much stuck with the general plot of the series. I absolutely loved it and can't wait to read the rest. Keep on writing. You would be a good science fiction author! :D :smt002
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Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:45 pm
Insanaca Guitarist says...



This is AWESOME! It's much easier to read now you've edited it. LOVE U! :D :elephant: :smt003
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Sun Sep 06, 2009 6:58 pm
sunnygirl40 says...



This story is really good! I love twilight too. I read all the books. Keep writing
  





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Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:32 pm
Elinor says...



Okay, I'm not a twilight fan at all, but I reall enjoyed this. It was detailed, rich and exicting. Not in the mood for nitpicks, but there actually are two small, grammar-related issues that I noticed.

Carefully, stealthily as I could


You don't need both of these two in the sentence. You should either delete "Carefully" or "Stealthily" (Whichever one you pick is fine) and then keepthe other one for the sentence.

the purr of a porsche enginge


I'm probably not the only one who thought of a cat when I read this. Analogies are good, but sometimes they can seem a little bit too literal and confuse the readers. I'd saw something like "growl," "sound" (everyone knows what car enginge's sound like when they're booting up), or "vroom,vroom"

Other than that, great job and keep working hard on his. PM me if you have any questions.

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Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:13 pm
Demeter says...



Hey Pgs, sorry that you've had to wait for this review a little. At first I want to say that I'm not one of those Twilight people, nor do I know much about the series anyway, but I'll try to give you an objective review. ;)


Carefully, as stealthily as I could, I crept through the meadow.


In my opinion, "carefully" and "stealthily" flatten each other out here. I know they're not exactly the same thing, but I would still suggest picking either one and staying with it. Not to mention that too many adverbs in a paragraph stand out in a not-so-good way.


I had heard the wolf circling, and didn’t want to have to explain myself twice.


Circling what? Her? The meadow?
Also, the end of the sentence is a bit unclear. I take you mean she doesn't want to explain her careful creeping, but what's the "twice" got to do with it? Has she already explained herself? If so, where? The whole thing needs some clarifying in my humble opinion.


Let’s see if Alice could foresee that.


The tense changes here, which is a bit disturbing, but I don't know how else you could say this. Maybe "It remained to be seen..." would be a bit too formal for this situation. xD Try to come up with something, though, as this doesn't very good because of the tense being suddenly present, at least to me.


Moments later

Minutes later,


You're being unnecessarily vague here. Try to avoid the repetition as well. I'd suggest changing the first one to "Soon enough" or something similar, and the second one to something like "A few minutes later". It would sound better, methinks.


and then suddenly he was stood there


I've never been a big fan of "he was sat on the floor" or "he was stood there", mainly because I'm not a native English speaker and I've been taught to use the present continuous ("He was standing there.") I don't know how correct the construction you've used is grammatically, but I always do a double take when hearing/seeing it somewhere. It just sounds too strange to me.


He sounded so like my father, even stumbling over his words, that it made my heart tremble. Finally he got the words out:


The order of the events is a bit messed up here. First he sounds like her father, and only after that he gets the words out? ;)


Those five short words resonated in everyone’s heads, and I hadn’t even opened my mouth.


Hmm, it wasn't until the second or third read that I understood she hadn't actually said anything out loud. I don't know if the Twilight people were more familiar with that, but I think you need to write so everyone can understand what you're wanting to say, not only the people who have read the books and know the plot and the events and whatnot.


Without looking up, I recognized the speaker. Dr Cullen was tugging on Edward’s arm, to little effect.


Recognising the speaker doesn't seem like much of an achievement, seeing as people can easily tell others' voices apart, especially when Dr Cullen seems to be the only man present, apart from Edward. ;) Excuse my pedantry, but little things like these tend to irk me.


Well, may the nitpicks be there now. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have read this if you hadn't asked me to, because I don't review fan-fiction, especially not that about Twilight, but I did this for you now. However, I would be glad if you asked me to do something else next time, if that should happen. ;)

All in all, your writing is quite smooth already, although remember to pay attention to the occasional repetition and such things. It's not surprising that I haven't read many Twilight fanfics, but your idea seemed pretty original from what I've been hearing.

The thing that seemed a bit odd to me was Amelia's life story. Well, not the story itself, but the way she told it, you know, like she was reminiscing a Wikipedia article. It just didn't sound very natural, I'm afraid.

Anyway, keep writing and see you around.


Demeter
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Sun Sep 13, 2009 1:25 pm
MissMiaFacinelli says...



Wow!
OK, thanks Demi, I will try to work on that, but I have just started back at school so it's a little hectic at the moment!!

Please keep all the fabulous crits coming for all parts of Luminescence - I will try to post Part Five soon!

Cheers :D
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Tue Sep 15, 2009 7:06 pm
MissMiaFacinelli says...



Please take my survey!!!

Thanks x
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Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:57 pm
wii age 21 charlie says...



I don't really like twilight that much, but you do describe everything very well. :)
"the purr of a porsche enginge" Enginge is spelled engine and instead of purr it would discribe the sound better if you put somthing like growl or the smooth sound of the Porsche engine Keep writing.
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Wed Sep 23, 2009 7:15 pm
MissMiaFacinelli says...



wii age 21 charlie wrote:"the purr of a porsche enginge" Enginge is spelled engine


OK. Thanks for the crit, but I think you'll find that I spelt "engine" correctly and that you changed it in your crit. The whol thing is pasted from Word and I would never, ever spell "engine" wrong.
And also, "describe" has an "e" in and so does "something."

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Thu Sep 24, 2009 12:51 am
wii age 21 charlie says...



Sorry I must of read it wrong. :shock:
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Fri Sep 25, 2009 4:30 pm
Addawen19 says...



This was wonderful, I love Twilight, and to read something totally different, was refreshing, I loved the idea of Edward having a sister, finally another girl in his life to make his nervous. But were was Rose? Other then that, great job!
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Fri Sep 25, 2009 4:31 pm
Addawen19 says...



This was wonderful, I love Twilight, and to read something totally different, was refreshing, I loved the idea of Edward having a sister, finally another girl in his life to make his nervous. But were was Rose? Other then that, great job!
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