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The Fickle Finger of Fate



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Wed Jul 01, 2009 4:46 am
Bokkaku says...



This was a prompt game. A buddy and I chose a prompt and we both wrote about it. This is what I saw.

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I always knew my Gramma was a strange woman. It wasn’t until she began telling me things that would always come true that I realized how strange, though. To her, everything was, “Fate this,” and, “Fate that.” I was tired of hearing about my fate until I realized it was true. Let me give you an example that happened a while ago.

It started out pretty slowly. “Mark my words, John,” Gramma told me. It was almost trademark that she would wave a bony finger at me. “It’s fate that you’ll win this soccer game tomorrow.” After she predicted my future, though, she produced a wrinkly smile for me as if to wish me good luck like a normal guardian.

The funny thing, though, was how indecisive the old woman was. “I’m sorry, John,” she told me as soon as I walked in the door after the game the next day. “You didn’t win. Fate changed while you were at school. Something you must have done…” I looked at her in plain astonishment. I hadn’t told her a thing yet.

“How did you know?” I wanted to know. Whenever I asked Gramma how she knows things, though, she would bring me close. She took my hand in hers and her old features would crinkle into an almost nostalgic smile. Her eyes seemed to get wet; I’m not sure, though. I think she was looking into the past and remembering herself asking someone the same thing.

“Had your father grown to be my age,” she would tell me, “he would know, too. Some day, my boy, you will know, just as I do.” It always ended the conversation.

Fate didn’t always change, but I was never certain when it would.

“You’ll get the job, Johnny. It’s fate,” Gramma told me once. I thought about it all day after she told me that. Would I really get the job? Up until then, every time she told me something, it would change, but I never knew how many times. Sometimes only once, sometimes twice, sometimes more. She never said anything more about the job that I had applied for, though.

A few days went by, and I was so sure that fate had changed itself again. “You were wrong,” I sighed to Gramma. The old woman smiled and shook her head, though, waving her finger at me as if disciplining me. She didn’t say anything else, merely smiled at me knowingly.

The next day I was shocked. “Gramma,” I called, running into the house. I had a letter in my hands from the employer I had applied to. It was a job letter congratulating me. “See? Trust me, my boy. I’ll let you know when fate changes.”

One time I laughed at Gramma’s abilities, though. “She’s a great girl, Johnny,” she told me. That’s not why I laughed, though. The evening when well and it was all smiled and laughter. Gramma talked to my girlfriend Jessica and told stories of past predictions that came true. It thrilled Jessica that Gramma approved of her. After she left, though, Gramma’s fickleness came in.

“John,” she called from the sitting room. “Come here. I’m sorry, my boy. I have bad news.” I walked in, still smiling from the goodnight kiss I had received, and waited for whatever she had to tell me.

“What is it?”

She hesitated. “I’m sorry, John,” she repeated. Her hand rose and she pointed at me with her right index finger. “Jessica is a bad girl for you to be with. It is fate that you will not last.” I didn’t want to think much of it at first and I laughed. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe her - she looked dead serious. I didn’t want it to be true, though.

“Gramma, you just said yourself that Jess is a great girl,” I argued, still laughing a little.

“John, you should know that fate is a highly changeable force,” she sighed with a sad shake of her head.

“Oh, Gramma. If it’s so fickle, I’m sure it’ll just change back to good.” I gave a reassuring smile and left to clean up for dinner. I believed her, though. Boy, did I believe her. It was never a good thing to ignore what Gramma told you. Call me superstitious, but it almost felt like it would end up as bad luck.

Everything happens for a reason, though, right?

I refused to give up on Jess. Despite Gramma’s warnings, I kept dating her. Everything was going great! I loved her, and I thought she loved me. I thought so. I wish I had known it for a fact, but it wasn’t so.

“John, I’m so sorry.” Those words were the last ones I wanted to hear come from Jessie’s mouth, but then I realized she had worse. “We need to talk about something important.” Dread filled me and I shook my head.

“But… Jess… everything was going so well,” I protested. “Wait… Gramma… she said…” I buried my head in my hands and Jessica explained that she had found someone new. My heart was broken.

“Oh, you’ll get better, John,” Gramma told me later. She waved her finger at me, and I knew she was thinking in her head, “It’s fate.” Things change, though, so I was afraid that it wouldn’t come true. “There will be a new girl for you soon. I can tell.” It was a little odd for my Gramma to be playing match-maker for me, but her face rose into a wrinkly smile and I knew it would turn out alright.

Sure enough, I later found the girl of my dreams. “You’re going to marry that girl,” Gramma told me with a broad smile, wagging her finger at me. “She’s fated to be with you.” She turned to my girlfriend and told her to take care of me.

“Gramma!” I exclaimed, embarrassed that my grandmother practically proposed for me. The woman beside me smiled and gave me a kiss, though. That made me blush, too. I don’t kiss girls in front of my gramma often.

On my wedding day, Gramma was smiling the entire time. It was wonderful, and every time her hand rose, I listened intently. She told me of how life would go well and the fact that we would bear a couple of lovely children.

I can’t believe how right she was. Near the end of her life, Gramma’s predictions weren’t as unsure as they used to be. I wish she had lived to see that she was right - my first born was a girl. I named her Victoria after my Gramma. Somehow I just know that when my little girl is older, she will know things just as Gramma did and as I do now.
  





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Wed Jul 01, 2009 4:25 pm
Phantomofthebasket says...



Hello! Baset here to review your piece today, I hope you don't mind! Okay, so, first thing's first. I review as I read, so if I mention something that's later explained in the piece, I apologize and ignore it. :P
Okay, well, my corrections/what I will be correcting are going to be in bold within the quotation boxes. If I feel I need to explain, it will be below it.
So, basically, I review just like everyone else. :P
Lets get started, yeah? :D


she produced a wrinkly smile for me as if to wish me good luck like a normal guardian.

You can nix the "for me" and replace it with a comma. :D

Whenever I asked Gramma how she knows things, though, she would bring me close.

Nix "though". 'Tis unneeded. :)

Her eyes seemed to get wet; I’m not sure, though.

You sure like the word "though", don't you? :P
I would switch this bit around... seems kind of awkward to me.
"though I'm not quite sure."

I had a letter in my hands from the employer I had applied to. It was a job letter congratulating me.

So, I'm not quite sure on this, since I've never had a job yet (I'm lazy XD), but wouldn't the employer call instead of sending a letter?

Gramma talked to my girlfriend, Jessica, and told stories


to hear come from Jessie’s mouth,

This is the third name you've given us for her. Jessica, Jess, and now Jessie. I'd change "Jessie" to either "Jess" or "Jessica".


Hmm, this was a really good piece. I liked it. Very much.
Good job!
Urgh... I was going to say something else, too, but now I've forgotten... If I remember it later, I'll come back and edit this post for it. :D
Good job once again.
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Thu Jul 02, 2009 1:08 am
JFW1415 says...



This is a sweet little story, but I wish you had slowed down a little bit. You’re not reciting a story out loud, so you can use a different tactic here. Slow down and give us details. Use all five senses. Use emotions. Make us feel the heartbreak, the love, the disbelief. Everything.

This could probably be broken up into scenes very easily. Start with the first girlfriend and explain the grandma’s strange ability. Then move on to the next woman. Then when he has his daughter.

A major problem here is that the reader has no faith in the grandma. She’s not too special – she just says something and then continually changes her mind. Don’t allow fate to change quite as often. Yes, it can sometimes, but show us that something changed. For instance, the soccer game. He leaves, thinking he’ll win. At lunch one of his teammates chugs ten milks on a dare and feels sluggish during the game. Fate was obviously changed.

Without us seeing how fate changes, we don’t have much faith in the grandma or her abilities, which ruins the whole story.

Very cute idea. =]

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415
  








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