Young Writers Society

For Shina's contest. I took as an inspiration this image .

Burned out
By Kat

It burned silently; the flame,
as if never to collapse, to die.
It reminded me of my life,
flowing nicely in a breeze;
until a gust of wind,
put it to sleep.

You put it out, love,
tarnished my flame.
I used to burn around,
melting every heart.
It was put deadly out
when we parted love.

And so I ran cold,
no other candle to burn.
The white smoke,
flying like a soft feather
into the vast dreadful blue.
Love, that was my soul.

Hey Kat! Jon here!

as if never to fall, to die

.
Don't use the word, 'fall' here. A flame never falls; perhaps a country does and it dies off, but not a flame. Use other words such as, 'Collapse, leave, or Fail.'

Please consider replacing 'fall' with something else, it just doesn't sound right like it is. 'Fail' is my favorite word replacement.

flowing nicely in a breeze;

until one too strong,

put it to sleep.

When a breeze gets too strong, it turns into a Gust of wind. So, replace the second line of this quote with, "Until a gust of wind," Then continue on with "Put it to sleep."

You put it out, love,

extinguished my flame.

You're being awfully redundant here, Kat. You say in the first line that 'her love' has gone because of this person. Then you say it again with different wording in the second. Instead of distinguished, (Because if love was totally distinguished from you, you'd hate to live. Everyone has a love for something.) Anyway, instead of distinguished, use, "Tarnished". Tarnished is a good word because it means that it is still there, but not totally gone. Which is what you want here.

I used to burn around,

What did said person burn around, again? Use some imagery in this line. Talk about how she used to glow red with love, with peace. So, as an example, "I glowed red with harmony." Then, it makes the line after this sound better.

It was put deadly out

when we were apart.

So this 'love' of hers was protecting her? The way these lines go, she wasn't very trustful. Because when he wasn't around, she lusted after others.

Which I don't think you aimed to say. You can keep the first line of this is you change the second. A word can change the whole meaning of a poem, remember that. You have to be careful.
Change the last line from, "when we were apart" to "when we parted love" Or something like it. (To show that is was put out when they DID separate for good, not just when they weren't together.)

no other flame to burn.

You can't burn a flame...it burns itself! Say, "no other flame to harness". Or something like that.




Transition between the candle and person: You have to be careful with this. I could clearly tell where you broke the image of the candle and the girl/boy remembering how they were like than. However, you kinda' transition back to the candle's point of view, but still talking about her. Don't describe the candle when you're talking about the girl/boy.


Overall -- It was okay. Just try and fix some of those spots I mentioned. Make it more clear, add some more imagery!


---Jon---

Kat! (: Here, as requested. (: Sorry it took me so long, but I was grounded. I'm here now, but Jon said most everything. I will try though. (:

First, I would like to say I enjoyed it, though their are, big surprise, things I didn't like.

Your word choice needed some work. There was a lack of description and words that, while I understood what you may have meant by them, they just didn't work. Also you need to be a little more descriptive. It just left me hanging at some parts. (:

It burned silently; the flame

While I like what you're saying here when you say that it burned 'silently' you're lack description. Also, I don't like how you put the 'the flame' at the end. So, maybe you could exclude that and add something to the 'burning silently.' I really like that, by the way. For example:
"It burned silently, without hope."
I don't know, something like that, and something you want to give it more...flair. (; This is just a suggestion, ignore if you wish.

I won't repeat the other things Jon said. I only suggest that you go over it and look at your word choice and add a little more imagery and description whenever possible. (: Other than that, I enjoyed it. I liked how you related it to yourself a little. It adds more emotion which is always a good thing. (:

~Nicole

wow kat that was amazing. however in the second stanza at the beginning you say "you put it out love" are you adressing love?? and is the "i used to burn around" really necessary?? and the "melting every heart" how do you go about doing this?? i think that the first stanza is great . but in the last stanza when you say "no other candle to burn" do you mean "with" no candle to burn. but overall it sounds great and i enjoyed reading it















TuckEr EllEsworTh

Hey there!

Overall, I like your poem, but as the other reviewers said, I disliked some of the word choice. You should change some of the wording because to me, as a reader, I didn't think some of the stuff made a whole lot of sense.


But, I did like the theme of the poem, and you did a wonderful job with the imagery part!! Great job, and keep it up!! Try to fix some of the stuff mentioned though!


~*Hailey,<3