Young Writers Society

As Clare Boothe Luce once said, “Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail no one will say, “She doesn’t have what it takes.” They will say, “Women don’t have what it takes.” (Quotations 2009) Throughout the years of mankind, an idea of discrimination against women has bloomed silently. According to www.dosomething.org, “Women make up 66% of the world’s illiterate adults.” (Do Something. | Volunteer 2009) We’re all human, aren’t we? Why don’t women deserve the right to be treated equally to men? Over the course of this paper, I will identify the various aspects of the causes and effects of not having women’s rights, the needs of the women affected by not having women’s rights, and finally, what we can do to help enforce women’s rights.
The issue of discrimination towards women has been escalating for a long time. According to Mika Mansukhani of UNIFEM, there are multiple causes of why we don’t have women’s rights, and why there is discrimination against women in our world. In modern day society, it is considered rude if a man isn’t chivalrous towards a woman, or doesn’t hold the door for her. Since childhood, we have been indoctrinated towards thinking that men are a superior race to women. The reason we don’t have women’s rights is because, over the years of our humanity and society, women have been portrayed as inferior to men, and not to be treated equally. (Mansukhani 2009)
Many horrific effects surround the topic of not having women’s rights, and although it’s hard to believe, these effects happen everyday. Firstly, is the act of Female Genital Mutilation (also known as FGM). According to www.dosomething.org, female genital mutilation is practiced in many countries around the world (particularly Asia), and it is when young girls are circumcised. (11 Facts 2009) It is a completely unnecessary practice, and it can actually harm the victim who has to experience FGM. The people affected by FGM are often young girls who don’t have a choice if they wish to reject the procedure. (Information on FGM 2009) By improving and enforcing, and even starting women’s rights around the world, we can help stop FGM since it is a cruel, unnecessary practice. Secondly, is the act of the trafficking of women. According to www.humantrafficking.org, Indonesia has a high rate of women being trafficked. The reasons these women are being trafficked are, because they are illegally exploited to become sex slaves, prostitutes, and mail-order-brides. According to UNICEF, 100,000 women and children are being coerced into working as sex slaves, or being taken advantage of because of sexual needs every year. Also according to UNICEF, the reason why it is so easy for these women and children (girls) to be trafficked is because of lack of birth registration. When a child is born, it is compulsory to register them. This isn’t the case in Indonesia because many remote villages might not have access to a birth registry. This leaves many children unknown, and possibly creates a false population estimate of Indonesia. If women had the proper rights, and were treated equally towards men, then the trafficking of women wouldn’t occur in Indonesia, or any other place in the world for that matter. (Indonesia 2009)
Every human has needs. Among various needs, education is one of the most important needs a person could have. According to UNICEF, from the years of 2000-2007, only 56% of the female students in grades 6 and up in Indonesian schools actually attended school. (UNICEF 2009) This means that 44% of female students who enrolled for middle/high school did not attend, or dropped out. To improve education around the world, Indonesia specifically, the government can make it compulsory to attend school. If the child doesn’t attend school, then possibly, a fine could be put on the family. Education is a basic need in life. Just the thought of children around the world not receiving it is scary, and it’s something we need to change.
Finally, the issue of women’s rights in our world needs to be solved. The countries that currently don’t have women’s rights or don t enforce women’s rights need to get a wake-up call, and start supporting the women in their country. Fighting discrimination against women is as simple as educating the people around you. An interesting idea for schools to combat the abuse of the women’s rights law is to have a women’s day, and to celebrate women’s month. (Action 2009) Each class could revolve around certain influential woman in modern history, or even in past history who helped better the world. Students have the power to do anything. It would be a much better world if we were more assertive, and if we stood up to other’s who discriminate against what we believe in. A way the world is helping to combat the issue of discrimination against women and to enforce women’s rights is the NGO’s of UNIFEM and UNICEF. Both funds are currently trying to increase women’s rights in our world, while UNICEF is based more on gender equality with children.
In conclusion, the issue of women’s rights is actually quite a broad topic. This discrimination has been going on for years, and although a lot of work is being done to start and enforce women’s rights in countries around the world, the progress has been too slow. Simple indoctrination of a child’s mind can continue the issue of discrimination against women. Simple enforcing of laws around the world could stop the issue of discrimination against women, amongst many other issues surrounding women’s rights. Mahatma Gandhi once said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” (Mahatma 2009) Support women’s rights, and change someone’s life. Make our future better.

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Please leave comments! I would really appreciate it Also, if you would like to see the bibliography for this, PM me. I'd be happy to give it to you.
Much love,
Shishu95

As Clare Boothe Luce once said, “Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail no one will say, “She doesn’t have what it takes.” They will say, “Women don’t have what it takes.” (Quotations 2009)

When you are quoting inside of a quote you can't use quotation marks. Change to: If I fail no one will say, 'She doesn't have what it takes.' They will say..." Note that at the end of this quote you will now have '" instead of only ". Also, introduce your source before you start citing parenthetically.

Throughout the years of mankind, an idea of discrimination against women has bloomed silently.

I'm not sure I agree...

According to www.dosomething.org, “Women make up 66% of the world’s illiterate adults.” (Do Something. | Volunteer 2009)

Since you've introduced the source you don't need to parenthetically cite it.

We’re all human, aren’t we? Why don’t women deserve the right to be treated equally to men? Over the course of this paper, I will identify the various aspects of the causes and effects of not having women’s rights, the needs of the women affected by not having women’s rights, and finally, what we can do to help enforce women’s rights.

Using contractions is usually not appropriate in expository writing. So, "We are all human, are we not? Why do women not deserve..." etc. Also, stating what will be covered in the paper is kind of elementary...summarize without saying "I'm going to tell you this, this and this." I think you could come up with something more creative!

The issue of discrimination towards women has been escalating for a long time. According to Mika Mansukhani of UNIFEM, there are multiple causes of why we don’t do not have women’s rights, and why there is discrimination against women in our world delete, unnecessary . In modern day society, it is considered rude if a man isn’t chivalrous delete and make chivalrous, unchivalrous towards a woman, or doesn’t does not hold the door for her. Since childhood, we have been indoctrinated towards thinking that men are a superior race to women.

The reason we don’t do not have women’s rights is because, over the years of our humanity and society, women have been portrayed as inferior to men, and not to be treated equally. (Mansukhani 2009)

Why is that though?

Many horrific effects surround the topic of not having women’s rights,

Perhaps, "There are many horrific results of the lack of women's rights." ?

and although it’s it is hard word choice. to believe,

these effects happen everyday.

Phrasing.

According to www.dosomething.org, female genital mutilation is practiced in many countries around the world (particularly Asia), and it is when young girls are circumcised. (11 Facts 2009)

You don't need to introduce the same source twice. Continue to use paranthetical citations.

It is a completely unnecessary practice, and it can actually harm the victim who has to experience FGM. The people affected by FGM are often young girls who don’t have a choice if they wish to reject the procedure. (Information on FGM 2009)

By improving and enforcing, and even starting women’s rights groups around the world, we can help stop FGM since because it is a cruel, unnecessary practice. Secondly Second, is the act of the trafficking of women. According to www.humantrafficking.org, Indonesia has a high rate of women being trafficked.

The reasons these Delete. women are being trafficked are, delete because they are illegally exploited to become sex slaves, prostitutes, and mail-order-brides.

This doesn't make sense. They aren't trafficked because they are exploited...that's what trafficking is.

According to UNICEF, 100,000 women and children are being delete coerced into working as sex slaves, or being taken advantage of because of sexual needs delete every year. Also according to UNICEF, delete the reason why it is so easy for these women and children (girls) to be trafficked is because of lack of birth registration. When a child is born, it is compulsory to register them. This isn’t the case in Indonesia because many remote villages might do not have access to a birth registry. This leaves many children unknown unregistered , and possibly delete creates a false population estimate of Indonesia. If women had the proper rights, and were treated equally towards men, then the trafficking of women wouldn’t occur in Indonesia, or any other place in the world for that matter. delete (Indonesia 2009)

Every human has needs. Among various needs, education is one of the most important needs a person could have.

Personally I think that education is a want, not a need...but that's your choice.

If the child doesn’t attend school, then possibly, a fine could be put on the family. Education is a basic need in life.

I can see where you're coming from, but this idea has several downfalls...maybe you could think of another solution?

Just the thought of children around the world not receiving it delete is scary, and it’s it is something we need to change.

Finally, delete the issue of women’s rights in our world needs to be solved. The countries that currently don’t have women’s rights or don t enforce women’s rights need to get delete a wake-up call, and start supporting the women in their country. Fighting discrimination against women is as simple as educating the people around you Eeek! Never talk to the audience! .

It would be a much better world if we were more assertive, and if we stood up to other’s who discriminate against what we believe in delete.

In conclusion, the issue of women’s rights is actually quite a broad topic. This discrimination has been going on for years, and although a lot of work is being done to start and enforce women’s rights in countries around the world, the progress has been too slow. The simple indoctrination of a child’s mind can continue the issue of discrimination against women. The simple enforcing enforcement of laws around the world could stop the issue of discrimination against women, amongst many other issues surrounding women’s rights.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” (Mahatma 2009) Support women’s rights, and change someone’s life. Make our future better.

Strong ending.


Alright, so, this is on its way. Most of what I picked up on were either MLA format issues, formalities or excess words/information. Otherwise there was little to change. I would suggest that you might want to thing about the one point you want to make in each paragraph, because sometimes it was either confusing/unclear or there were multiple points. Good luck!

The italics is what you originally had written, bold is my change/suggestion. The quoted sections are the ones I wanted to make comments on. The red in the middle was just marking where you had contractions.