Young Writers Society

If any of you are really familiar with the book of Psalms in the Bible, this might sound a little familiar to you, because parts are taken from various Psalms. Don't ask which one's cause I don't remember now
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They have tracked me down
They surround me
With eyes alert
They throw me to the ground
They are like the lion
Hungry for prey

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten

All day long
They twist my words
They conspire
They lurk
They watch my steps
Eager to take me

Why are you so far?
From saving me
You’re so far from the words
Of my groaning
I cry out by day
But you don’t answer
Night falls
And I’m not silent
No I’m not silent

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten

Save me
For the waters
Have come up
To my neck
I sink in the murky depths
Where there is no foothold

I have come
Into deep water
The floods engulf me
I am worn out
Calling for help

Rescue me
Don’t let me sink
Deliver me
From those who hate me
Do not let
The floods engulf me

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten

-Guitar-

Trust me….
Try me….
Examine my….
Heart, my mind….

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten
(x2)

Hey Carly. I like this song very much. It has a Good rhythm and good rhyme scheme. I was able to make a tune in my head, which is good. Nice use of words. Overall the song was really good. I loved the chorus, it was really good.
I guess that's all i have to say about this awesome song.

Keep writing.

~ Anshita

They have tracked me down
They surround me
With eyes alert
They throw me to the ground
They are like the lion
Hungry for prey

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten
All day long
They twist my words
They conspire
They lurk
They watch my steps
Eager to take me

Why are you so far?
From saving me
You’re so far from the words
Of my groaning
I cry out by day
But you don’t answer
Night falls
And I’m not silent
No I’m not silent

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten

Save me
For the waters
Have come up
To my neck
I sink in the murky depths
Where there is no foothold

I have come
Into deep water
The floods engulf me
I am worn out
Calling for help

Rescue me
Don’t let me sink
Deliver me
From those who hate me
Do not let
The floods engulf me

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten

-Guitar-

Trust me….
Try me….
Examine my….
Heart, my mind….

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten
(x2)

I do like this alot. Also I am familiar with Psalms, I read them all the time. Anyway keep up the good work.

'Ello!

How're you? It's me...again. Haha. So, off to it then.

They have tracked me down
They surround me

You need to pick a tense. It seems like further on you stay with the present tense. So, "They track me down".

The lions are coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten

This stanza, to be honest, doesn't make sense. It reads like a bunch of unrelated sentences stuck together. I think you need to choose a focus and make that more clear.

All day long

They twist my words
They conspire
They lurk
They watch my steps

You need to explain who "they" is. It's alright used sparingly, but it seems like "they" are a main focus of the song.

Why are you so far?
From saving me

The question mark should be moved to after "me".

You’re so far from the words
Of my groaning

...huh?

Save me
For the waters
Have come up
To my neck
I sink in the murky depths
Where there is no foothold

Unrelated...I think I get that you want to use figurative examples, but these are coming across literally.

Alright, so, this, I think was the most confusing. I don't really understand what this one was about. It was kind of unclear the entire time who "they" were and why they were after you etc. Also the drowning part seemed out of place. I think with some work you can fix this up though.

-Maggie

Hi Carly! *waves* I'm here for a review -- as requested!
I haven't read the reviews above, so I'm sorry if I repeat stuff, 'kay?

They have tracked me down
They surround me
With eyes alert
They throw me to the ground
They are like the lion
Hungry for prey

- The tenses here are all messed up. You have to decide on one only.
- The last line should be: 'Hungry for a prey'.

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me
Here for dead
Listen honey
Tell my story
I need to know
I’m not forgotten

- There's a verb missing in the first line. Maybe an are?
- The forth line sounds awkward. Try: here to die.
- The tense on the last line should be: I'll won't be forgotten.

Why are you so far?
From saving me
You’re so far from the words
Of my groaning
I cry out by day
But you don’t answer
Night falls
And I’m not silent
No I’m not silent

This stanza is a bit confusing, due to various elements.
- There's an away missing on the first line.
- The fifth line is bad worded. Try something like: I cry out during the day,
- Why are you not silent at night? Then how are you not silent? If you only cry during the day, do you scream at night?

The lions coming
Help me beat them
Please don’t leave me

- Now, I should have mentioned this on the first time this appeared, but you say the lions are coming, while in the first stanza (I don't know what else to call it) you say they have already tracked you down and are surrounding you. Then, they are already here, not coming.

Flow
I have mentioned on the other review, that your flow was messy and your line breaks were awkward. Here, they rock


Meaning/ message
This is where you fall abruptly on these lyrics. There were a lot of concepts and themes flying around, and I couldn't catch one clear enough to be able to relate to these lyrics.

Hope I helped!
*Kat*

*clap *clap (:

I have to say the lyric sounded pretty cool, but the problem was that you had no theme in this lyric, no plot, and no explanation. It would be also good if you could have a message in the sorie. The song is good but it is really random.

Hey Carly! June here!

Hmm, I can't decide if I like this more or don't like it more. XD

A lion is... not the most common thing to write a song about, whether symbolized or a lion itself, so to speak, so bonus points on that! As far as rhyme goes it was decent; not my favorite but definitely appreciative quality.

I do like what the song is centered on, but there are some things here, that I cannot actually pin point that I don't like. Maybe it's the blatant narrative style of it? I'm not sure.

With that said, I can't really critique it. I'd need to hear it vocalized first.

June