Young Writers Society

Song(s): Le Disko - Shiny Toy Guns, Keeps Getting Better - Christina Aguilera, Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n' Roses

Eat away!
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Chapter One, Part One: The Race

Jack Mitchell crept out of the shadows of the warehouse and looked both ways before turning back and waving the crowd in. The people flooded in first, laughing and stumbling their ways to the outskirts of the abandoned parking lot. I watched from my hiding spot in the warehouse; the garage which was previously used to unload supplies from trucks. It was completely dark – all part of Brendan’s masterly crafted chorography – but I could see the way the bright overhead lights casted strange shadows on their drunken faces, twisting the images around to make them look like teenage clowns. Most of them kept looking both ways and laughing, like they were afraid of getting caught, but were brave enough to stick it out until they were.
Our cue was coming up soon. I adjusted my leather jacket, brushing down the sleeves. I could see from my peripherals that Brendan was doing the same thing, so I decided to psyche him out just a smidge. I ran my fingers through my long platinum blond hair with black streaks underneath and ruffled the straight layers, trying to look sexy. After that, I slipped my hands into the cool leather of my gloves and strapped the Velcro. I flexed my fingers a couple times as I grinned at him.
“I can’t believe I’m racing a chick,” he said, a disbelieving smile on his face as he looked down at the ground.
“Nervous?” I gibed.
His head shot back up. “No way. You?”
“You wish,” I said with a wink.
I felt bad for leading Brendan on like this, knowing he’d take it as an opportunity to expand our friendship – something he’s wanted to do since the third grade, when we met – but part of me couldn’t help but taunt him. I was riding the high of my adrenaline rush, and I felt so elated that I could’ve sworn I was going to break out laughing.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” I heard Jack’s voice faintly announce, “Welcome to this year’s Niagara Falls Secondary end-of-school celebration!”
An eruption of cheers broke out. I turned to Brendan and saw him putting his helmet over his tree bark brown curls, letting it rest on the top of his head. I smirked one last time before I put my helmet on, keeping the visor up so I could see.
“I’d like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine,” Jack said, turning to the audience. Several girls looked flustered, thinking he was going to choose them. But he turned to Kiara Harmon, my best friend, and waved her forward. She sashayed out of the audience in three inch tall stilettos, the world’s shortest short-shorts, and a black leather jacket, looking like Rihanna’s wanna-be blond twin in the music video for Shut up and Drive. Seeing Kiara in all black was shocking; usually she didn’t wear anything but pink Hollister “This is Kiki, our flag bearer for tonight’s race.”
More applause, cheers, and a few whistles came from the crowd.
“Now, I’d like you all to help me welcome Brendan Jones and Ronnie Macintyre!”
Brendan turned to me. “You ready?”
“Oh yeah,” I said, slapping down my visor and kick starting my motorcycle.
We road slowly up to where a make-shift starting line was spray-painted across the flat pavement. My adrenaline spiked as I shifted from face to face of the crowd, watching their wasted faces cheer and laugh. I pulled in my front brake for a burnout, listening to the pistons whine underneath me as my back tire created clouds of smoke. When I was done, I turned to Brendan, imagining his face full of unease.
His canary yellow Yamaha FZ6R posed no threat to me. Brendan called it ‘the hornet’, because his taillights stuck out like a stinger. I called my Buell 1125CR ‘the black stallion’, because it was an American beauty, rather than a peppy Japanese hunk of metal.
The crowd grew silent as Kiara strutted to the middle of the roadway, in between Brendan and me. She shifted her weight on one hip as she pulled out the checker bandana from her back pocket. She held it up in the air by her manicured fingers, flicked her wrist downward, and the bandana fluttered to the ground.
I gunned the bike to life and took off, the night air hitting hard and cold against my torso. I was out of the parking lot and onto the road within seconds, speeding down the empty path. I could see the glare of Brendan’s headlight in my rear-view mirror, gaining dangerously close. I pushed the throttle harder, feeling the road glide by underneath me like the swiftness of a steed.
Eat that, I thought smugly.
The first turn was approaching, so I slowed my bike down and rode the curve like a surfer rides a wave. When my bike straightened out, I sped up, feeling my senses heightening. I passed a number of houses and buildings with their lights all out, their dark shadows shooting by.
The road veered off into both directions, but someone – no doubt Brendan or Jack – marked off the right side with fluorescent orange pylons so the only direction you could take was left.
This was the corner Jack had warned me about, I reminded myself. His words came floating back into my head.
“Right after the second left turn, it shifts right. Watch out.”
I gripped the handlebars harder and took the turn, leaning with the bike. I got ready to turn again, preparing to tilt my body right, when I noticed a shadow flutter in the road. A figure in a midnight black cloak became apparent in my headlights, a hood concealing its face. As I rounded the bend, it looked up, like it just noticed that a motorcycle was coming at it at about a hundred and thirty five kilometres per hour. That’s when its hood slid off, revealing the beautiful face of a girl about my age. Her hair looked like stretched out caramel, spiking straight down to the middle of her torso.
Something glittered off the beam of my headlights, and I spotted a long wooden staff she held in her left hand. On the end was a crescent shaped blade that glittered like a mirror.
I jerked the bike to the left side of the road, trying to dodge the girl while trying not to loose control at the same time. I attempted to swerve back to dodge the cement median, but I was going much to fast.
Time didn’t slow down like it did in the movies. If anything, it seemed to dart by like a speeding bullet. One minute, I was winning the race, the next, I was swerving away from a random girl standing in the middle of the road.
My bike hit the median with a metallic screech and threw me off my seat, sending me flying through the night air. My mind had gone blank; no flashbacks, no thoughts, no emotions. The only thing I could feel was the wind sailing around me.

Hi there Fragile!

You've done an excellent job capturing the excitement and pace of a motorcycle race. At first, I wasn't sure if the narrator was a girl or a boy, but that clears up later on.

The people flooded in first, laughing and stumbling their ways to the outskirts of the abandoned parking lot.

This part confused me-- I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I think that "first" could be eliminated in this sentence, because it's kind of dragging us out and confusing us. Hope that makes sense.

all part of Brendan’s masterly crafted chorography

chorography should be choreography, dear.



I think you did a great job on this story-- I would say be light on the descriptions. Your descriptions are wonderful, but in some places they're like, too wonderful, it's kind of a lot to take in.

I like the way you closed this chapter. It leaves us wondering what happens next, but not too disappointed where we're tearing your hair out for the next chapter. Well done.


Keep it up! I look forward to the next part.


June

Motor racing, hell yeah! That aside, I loved the way you found the golden middle between description and action. Comparing one of the girls to Rihanna is quite nicely thought of, it makes the story more real and also makes the reader feel more connected to it, like the story is part of his world.

peppy Japanese hunk of metal.

Seriously

And the action near the end is very well given, you did a great job making clear exactly what happens with the exact amount of detail.

Not really much I could criticize here, I am just looking forward to updates.

Jack Mitchell crept out of the shadows of the warehouse and looked both ways before turning back and waving the crowd in.

It's a little thing, but by changing "crept out of" to "crept from" you'll lower the repetition of "of". It's small, but makes it work better.

The people flooded in first, laughing and stumbling their ways to the outskirts of the abandoned parking lot.

I agree with Springrain about getting rid of "first", but you also need to change "ways" to "way".

Most of them kept looking both ways and laughing, like they were afraid of getting caught, but were brave enough to stick it out until they were.

As the review continues, you'll realize I am a nitpick among nitpicks. But I'll present my nitpicks anyway.
So, first, change "Most of them kept looking both ways and laughing" to "Most of them kept looking side to side, laughing,". The first part of changing "both ways" is because it sounds like you've already mentioned the directions and just doesn't feel as good as "side to side". I think this may mainly be because "side to side" is more universally used in situations like this and anything else just feels weird. One could argue doing so would break the mold, but that's not always a good thing. Varying from simple phrases that are more common make it seem less fluid within our minds since we're not used to it. Anyway, that's the best explanation I can give for my reasoning there (a bit of a long one though...). Anyway, now to the next part with swapping "and" with a comma. This is just more fluid.

I ran my fingers through my long platinum blond hair with black streaks underneath and ruffled the straight layers, trying to look sexy.

Comma after "long". You need to do this since you have more than one word describing "hair", so you need to separate them with a comma. You'd think you'd need one after "platinum" as well, but you don't since "platinum" is describing "blonde". So it will look something like...
I ran my fingers through my long, platinum blond hair

Otherwise, though, I like what you did here. We get a glimpse of her personality through her actions as well as her hairstyle, which you described very well.

“I can’t believe I’m racing a chick,” he said, a disbelieving smile on his face as he looked down at the ground.

You basically state he can't believe what's happening twice. The first is during the dialogue, the second is when you describe his smile. It's repetitive. Maybe you could change it to "an amused grin" if you want him to be a little cocky. Or you could change the dialogue to "So I'm racing a chick," he said, a skeptic smile on his face.
If you must keep the "disbelieving smile" part, then you should at least change the dialogue, like above, and, while your at it, swap "disbelieving" out with a better word. "Skeptic" was the best I could think of but I know there was another that's better... It's on the tip of my tongue... But I can't remember. Anyway, don't use "disbelieving" if you choose this way.

and saw him putting his helmet over his tree bark brown curls

With all this talk about bikers, leather jackets, and overall hard core stuff, comparing his hair to tree bark just feels a little out of place. It brings about feelings of vegetarians and tree huggers. Maybe you could find something else.

usually she didn’t wear anything but pink Hollister “This is Kiki, our flag bearer for tonight’s race.”

Period after "Hollister"
Also, since you've spent all this time talking about this girl, when you start a new dialogue, I think it's going to be her speaking. I know it's still the same paragraph as the other dialogue of this guy, but it still leads me astray. You should integrate another "he said" part somewhere.

On the end was a crescent shaped blade that glittered like a mirror.

Put a hyphen between "crescent" and "shaped".

Okay, final thoughts.
I thought you should shorten the time between the moment she sees the cloaked girl and when she veers away. You take too much time to describe the robed chick (very well, by the way), which is fine at any other time. But she's ripping down the road, and we're expecting this sudden turn to come up. The tension is rising, we see the girl, we're intrigued, but then you take away the momentum by spending too much time describing her. All you really need to do is mention the cloak and maybe the staff. I'm assuming this is the grim reaper or something, who's there to collect her dead soul after the crash, so you'll have time to go into greater detail later.
Anyway, just limit describing the cloaked girl and keep the momentum.

Now, other than those things, I thought this was awesome! I haven't been this into a story on this website for a while, so kudos to you. Your descriptions were great too. It was just the little things that stood out, such as when you described the Brenden guy's bike as "canary yellow". It was simple, but got the point across with flair. Well done.

Another thing I liked was how knowledgeable you were about the bikes. Some people just don't understand how much better the story is when you add those little things, like the brand and type of the bike, an opinion on how it performs, maybe using words like "pistons" (as you did during the burnout) and such.

Also, your race scene was phenomenal. You had great momentum.

Anyway, overall I liked it. Good luck with this and PM me when the next part is up.

One word...... Hell YEAH .... finally some real action on the pages of good ole' YWS. Yoyu made my day.

Awesome integration of fantasy and modern or sci fi which ever it is.

One thing...i dont know why your using the european metric system when you seem to be American due to the patriotism in the detail of "the black stallion" (awesome name)...a lot of people don't know how fast a kilometer per hour is compared to a mile per hour. If you meant to arrange it like that than mind my pardon.

A little bit more detail might be alright also. And some gigantor bald CIA man in a tux would be so BA.

But other than that its awesome! good job!

PM me any edited or other chapters.

Deifyance, I'm actually Canadian xD

But, I was going to, but it didn't seem very fast in m/h, so I decided I might as well make it sound fast.

For the record, I am all for North American vehicles.

Hey! Basket here to review! Ahh, I review as I read, so if something I say is later explained in the chapter, then I apologize and you can just ignore it.
Also, the things I will correct/being corrected, will be in bold within the quotation boxes. Sound good? Alright! Lets get started!

The people flooded in first, laughing and stumbling their ways to the outskirts of the abandoned parking lot.

I'm not sure I would use "first". Maybe "fast" or "eagerly"?

I heard Jack’s voice faintly announce,

Would "faintly" be the right word? I mean... it sounds like your MC is in a stadium and usually the announcers are very, very loud...

(Okay, so, they're in a parking lot or something... try to give more description about where they are... make it less confusing for people. )

usually she didn’t wear anything but pink Hollister. “This is Kiki, our flag bearer for tonight’s race.”

“Oh yeah,” I said, slapping down my visor and kick starting my motorcycle.

Try "started" instead.

Brendan called it ‘the hornet’, because his taillights stuck out like a stinger. I called my Buell 1125CR ‘the black stallion’, because it was an American beauty, rather than a peppy Japanese hunk of metal.

I think you could capitalize the name if the motorcycles, since, you know... they're names...


Other than that, I didn't see anything! Really, the only thing I can think of to comment on is more descriptions.
I was a bit confused to where they were, so try to clear that up a bit more.
This is really interesting though. I'm most definitely going to continue on, I think.
-Basket-

wow i must say that was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! i cant wait to see what happens!

i loved the way you described the race itself, and the last line was very effective.

"My mind had gone blank; no flashbacks, no thoughts, no emotions. The only thing I could feel was the wind sailing around me."

however i have to say that i felt like i had to read a lot, just to find out what they were racing, so maybe you could add it in the dialogue or when you were describing the garage, mention it there, because up to the point where you told us it was a motorbike, i thougth it was a car. but thats not so bad, just a minor fault.

i didnt see any spelling mistakes, so thats good (however i may have missed some)

well done