Young Writers Society

Thanks to all of my reviewers so far. I would be grateful for any input whatsoever. Please read and review.

Chapter 2
Lanterns hung from shop windows giving the night an almost romantic gleam. Panatar gripped his horse's reigns as tightly as he had when he had first left the dock at midday. His hands were tired, but he would not admit this fact to his father. Besides, what good would it do? They wouldn't be able to stop until they reached Joriah's shop, anyway.
The sheet that Panatar had placed over his face to shield his eyes from dust had not worked as well as he'd hoped it would either. The small opening that he had left over his eyes was large enough for the dust being kicked up by his father's horse to get into his eyes. As a result, he was left with a pained expression on his face that his father might have seen if not for the cloth that concealed it.
Just when Panatar began to wonder whether or not his horse would make it to Joriah's shop, his father's horse stopped in the middle of the street. He yanked his horse's reigns, forcing it to come to an awkward halt. He let out a sigh of relief, and squinted through the darkness to try to orientate himself to his surroundings.
The shop immediately to his left had several lanterns hanging at its entrance. It was a small wooden building, and a sign hung above the door frame that read “Your Future is in Your Hands – The Most Accurate Palm Reading in Hyvria.” Panatar smirked. You had to be a real idiot to fall for such poor attempts at defrauding you out of your money. But few seemed to share his sentiments, because a short line of people waited in turn to get their fortunes told.
On his right hand side lay a shop that was far more gloomy, and gave off none of the pixie-fairy glow that the fortune telling stall emitted. The front window was shattered, and the sign above the door was painted in a simple black script. It read , “Joriah's Antiques”.
“Panatar,” a voice said, “we have no time. Tie your horse outside and meet me in the shop.”
“Yes, Father.”
He fastened his horse's reigns to a wooden bar that had begun to play host to a termite infestation, and followed his father inside. The shop's walls were lined with metal hooks upon which several old spades, tongs, and other heavy iron objects hung. Several mirrors also decorated the wall, one of which seemed to have recently been broken – broken fragments of glass lay on the floor.
The floor of the massive shop was lined with old wooden tables, chairs, and benches covered with metal artifacts that nobody in their right mind would buy. Of course, Panatar mused, nobody in the whole of Hyvria was in their right mind. He took a closer look at the nearest table, and noticed a bullet lying on its top. These people were really mad. Who would buy a single bullet?
At the back of the shop, was a wide counter broad enough to stretch from one wall to the other. Behind it, were hundreds of drawers. Panatar guessed that this was where Joriah kept all of his more touchy merchandise. It was no doubt the part of the shop that would contain the most interesting artifacts.
And then Panatar heard his father say, “Oh, Lord. He's dead. Panatar, Joriah's been shot.” Panatar looked over the counter to where his father stood. The sight of the shot placed perfectly between Joriah's eyes sent shivers down his spine.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that Galdiff's got his hands on the key,” his father said. “It also means that we've lost our strongest contact in the black market.”

Hey =]

Thanks for the PM!

I couldn't really find any mistakes at all, but that may be because I was so engrossed in the story

I love how you are bringing new characters into each new part of the story. I'm guessing that they are all interlinked in some way or another.

Several mirrors also decorated the wall, one of which seemed to have recently been broken – broken fragments of glass lay on the floor. - I don't know if this is just me, but having the two 'brokens' next to eachother, meant that I had to re-read the sentence to make sure that I'd read it correctly. Maybe re-phrase it so that they are seperated by more than a dash or change the second 'broken' to shattered or fractured. It's only a suggestion though.

I liked your description of the shop too - I could really imagine what it looked like.

I enjoyed reading this part and I'm looking forward to the next instalment.

Hope this helped.

xDudettex

Hey, Cleverboy. Glad to be back with this story again.

Lanterns hung from shop windows giving the night an almost romantic gleam.

This sentence doesn't sound right to me. I think it's the almost that bugs me. I would lose it.

They wouldn't be able to stop until they reached Joriah's shop, anyway.

This might be a little redundant, but sentence tags like anyways don't do much for a story. I'm not saying you have to get rid of it here, I'm just saying be careful not to use them too much in the future.

The shop immediately to his left had several lanterns hanging at its entrance.

I don't think this sentence is necessary because you already said the lanterns hung from the shop windows in the first paragraph.

Several mirrors also decorated the wall, one of which seemed to have recently been broken – broken fragments of glass lay on the floor.

Repetition of the word broken bugs me. I would use something like shattered the second time. I also noticed an excessive use of commas. Particularly in these two sentences:

At the back of the shop, was a wide counter broad enough to stretch from one wall to the other. Behind it, were hundreds of drawers.

I'd take them out.

Now I am even more interested. I can't wait to read the next chapter. I want to know when the giants are coming in. If there's giants at all, I mean.

BTW, I like your avatar.

Worx.

This Is Really Great.. Go On.!

Hey, I'm here again...Are you ready? Here we go...

The sheet that Panatar had placed over his face to shield his eyes from dust had not worked as well as he'd hoped it would [s]either[/s].

Sheet? Perhaps a visor? Or a veil? I know a veil sounds kind of girly so it is completely up to you. Sheet makes me think of paper or something your mom puts on your bed along with a dust ruffle and decorative pillows.

On his right hand side lay a shop that was far more gloomy, and gave off none of the pixie-fairy glow that the fortune telling stall emitted.

Aren't pixies and fairies pretty much the same thing? I would choose one or the other, but not both.

The front window was shattered, and the sign above the door was painted in a simple black script. It read , “Joriah's Antiques”.

What is the reaction to this shattered front window? I mean if I saw a shattered window I would automatically think something was wrong.

“Panatar,” a voice said, “we have no time. Tie your horse outside and meet me in the shop.”

I want you to identify this as Panatar's father when he says it instead of a voice said, because that makes it sound like Panatar doesn't recognize the voice.

Several mirrors also decorated the wall, one of which seemed to have recently been broken – broken fragments of glass lay on the floor.

How can you tell that something has been recently broken? Plus you use broken twice in this sentence which is redundant. I'd reword the sentence to read something like this:

Several mirrors also decorated the wall, one of which had been shattered- broken fragments of glass littering the floor.

Or something like that.

And then Panatar heard his father say, “Oh, Lord. He's dead. Panatar, Joriah's been shot.” Panatar looked over the counter to where his father stood. The sight of the shot placed perfectly between Joriah's eyes sent shivers down his spine.

“What does that mean?”

I know this is going to sound morbid, but I wanted more gore here. I want Joriah's brains to be splattered out of the back of his head. And realistically, a shot to the head would be anything but clean and perfect. It should be messy with lots of blood. Also, I didn't think Pantar's reaction was very fitting. I kind of pegged this kid a pansy when he is complaining about dirt in his eyes and his hands being sore from holding the reins. I kind of expected him to freak out when he sees Joriah's corpse. What I wanted was for him to throw up or cry or be really really scared and nervous. Instead he has a tingle run up his spine. Just doesn't feel very realistic.


Characters: Here you don't really describe your characters. I have no idea how old Panatar is. I don't know what he or his father looks like. What are their occupations? Besides the veil what are they wearing? What do they smell like after a day of traveling? And I would definitely work on Panatar's personality. He sounds like a follower, kind of a sissy with the way he is whining at the beginning. But then he has like zero reaction to the death of Joriah. And death is a pretty big deal compared to dirt in your eyes. So work on that.

Setting: You did a pretty good job with this. The only things I wanted to point out was the lighting and the smell. If the shop was gloomy and it were night time how were they able to see in the shop? Did the father light a lantern? Perhaps there was a lantern that had been knocked over and Panatar picks it up. You need some sort of light source, otherwise it would be impossible for them to see Joriah's corpse. With the smell, I want more. What does the town smell like? Is there the scent of horse manure mixing with the smell of the villagers meals? Does incense waft out from the fortune tellers shop? Joriah's shop should definitely smell. I'm not sure what death smells like but it should smell like that. I'd imagine a mixture of coppery blood, rotten meat, urine and feces, (since you do relieve yourself when you die), and perhaps even musty with all of those antiques.

Overall: This is good, but I want you to move on. At this point we know that Joriah is dead and the Galdriff probably has the key. So we don't need to go back to this scene again. I just want to know what is going to happen next? What are Panatar and his Father going to do about Galdriff? What about the other characters you've introduced? Are all of these people going to come together at some point? How does this affect your plot and your characters? I am excited to see where this goes. I can't wait to review more.

The final part up. Lets see what to point out here...

The sheet that Panatar had placed over his face to shield his eyes from dust had not worked as well as he'd hoped it would either. The small opening that he had left over his eyes was large enough for the dust being kicked up by his father's horse to get into his eyes. As a result, he was left with a pained expression on his face that his father might have seen if not for the cloth that concealed it.

~ The bolded bit I find a bit repetitive. "His eyes" shows up twice, almost right on top of each other. Rework so that doesn't happen.

~ I'm wondering why we need to know why he was wearing a cloth over his face.

his father's horse stopped in the middle of the street. He yanked his horse's reigns, forcing it to come to an awkward halt. He let out a sigh of relief, and squinted through the darkness to try to orientate himself to his surroundings.

~ It's hard to tell who the "he" is in this section. Since the father and his horse were doing the action right before, while it seems that you are talking about Panatar when talking about "he." Use some more proper names to make this clearer. ^_^

~ I don't think the bolded comma is needed. (The one after "relief")

He fastened his horse's reigns to a wooden bar that had begun to play host to a termite infestation, and followed his father inside.

~ It unclear, again, whom "he" is in this sentence.

~ I feel the "and" after the comma would be better off as a "then."

Several mirrors also decorated the wall, one of which seemed to have recently been broken – broken fragments of glass lay on the floor.

You use "broken" twice in a row here. I find the "broken" after the dash would so well as "shattered."

Of course, Panatar mused, nobody in the whole of Hyvria was in their right mind.

Loved this line.

He took a closer look at the nearest table, and noticed a bullet lying on its top. These people were really mad. Who would buy a single bullet?

Once I remembered where the bullet came from (heh, that would be forgetfulness on my part, not something wrong with the story), I was left wondering why it's on the table and not in the ceiling or on the floor somewhere.

At the back of the shop, was a wide counter broad enough to stretch from one wall to the other.

Delete this comma.

Behind it, were hundreds of drawers.

*Points to nit-pick above* Same goes for here.

"Oh, Lord. He's dead. Panatar, Joriah's been shot.”

"Lord" is a rather Earth-bound term. Since you have not established that this world worships God, it would be wise to replace "Lord" with another term, even one as simple as "gods" (note the plural there. "God," singular, would still imply Earth customs.)

Panatar looked over the counter to where his father stood. The sight of the shot placed perfectly between Joriah's eyes sent shivers down his spine.

Wouldn't there be blood, or brain-matter of some kind? Call me morbid, but I'd like a little reference to that.

~

Pronouns: In this section, you're a bit fuzzy on pronouns and what/who they relate to. In some segments, near the end, you seem to overcompensate by using proper names all the time. I would go through this and make sure all of the sections are a-okay when it comes to pronouns. I've pointed out the main locations, but just in case I missed any.

Characters: I'm loving Panatar's character in here. He's got his own flavour, and we can tell his prose apart from the other characters. That could be that you put some description in (nice work), but his tone is distinctly different from the others. Which is a challenge when working with multiple viewpoints.

Description: We have some, this time. I liked the setting of the night, but it felt like things were in a vacuum. In the woods I understand a silent world, in the city I find that hard to believe. Put some mention of noise of some sort, just so we're not left in a muffled world.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey