Young Writers Society

So, most of you know that I'm not a poetry writer. I've done very little in my life, and haven't really explored the craft. However, today was poetry day in my school, and after completing tons of poetry workshops I had lines of a poem drifting around my head, so I wrote it.

That said, please explain yourself fully in your critiques. I really know nothing about poems, so general comments and information on poems will be very greatly appreciated. =] Mainly punctuation and line breaks - I'm clueless on those.

A Jigsaw Heart

I have a puzzle – a jigsaw.
A single unit broken
into a thousand pieces.
Leaving it the way it is,
scattered everywhere?
The thought makes me ache.

I’ve tried to do it on my own,
to put it back together,
but it seems broken beyond repair.
My hands move in all the right ways
press together all the right pieces,
Yet nothing seems to fit.

But you – you are a master.
Surely even this mangled mess
will cause you no trouble.
The parts are broken
nearly beyond recognition.
It’s an easy task for you,
but I’m not very good at puzzles.

Jen! :] Haven't talked in a while. I miss you. :[

Anyhoo, I saw this had no review and I was like, "What?! Jen's poem has no reviews?! Ah! That can't be!" And decided that you will get my first review in like, forever. xD

Well, here we go:

A single unit broken into a thousand pieces.

Okay, so I really do like this line, but it's so much longer than the others in the stanza. The others are a bit choppy. But, don't be fooled. Choppy sentences tend to work well in poetry, especially when the writer knows how to use them. And you, my dear, know how to use choppy sentences to your advantage. So, if at all possible, I would try to reword this into a smaller sentence. If it's totally impossible, it's still fine how it is, but I just feel that it kind of ruins the flow in a way.

but I’m not very good at puzzles.

I love the way you use this line repetitively after each stanza and you fit it in very nicely with the sentence before it. ^ ^ Very nice job, chica.

and left me to mend.

Do you mean "and left you to mend"? I don't know. I just thought it made more sense with what you were saying... Maybe I'm wrong?


So, all in all, I think that for you claiming to "not be a poetry writer", you've done pretty freakin' awesome. I've been writing poetry since I was eight and I still just completely suck at it. No lie. So, you've made me envious. Great job. xD Anyway, there were just a few things I wanted to point out as well:

Your grammar, punctuation, etc.. was perfect, in my opinion. Honestly, with poetry, everyone has their own way with grammar and punctuation, capitalization and all that jazz. Like, I, for example, always tend to capitalize the first letter of every new sentence in poetry, even if it's just adding to the one before it. But, that's just me. And a lot of people don't like it, but that's because they do it differently. So, stick with what you're comfortable with. See! You worried for nothing!
I felt that some sentences were a bit too long to fit with the rest of the stanzas, as I mentioned above, but even still, this was wonderful, no doubt.
Although a cliche' topic, you present it in such a way that you make it un-cliche' and I actually want to read it. xD

Well, dear, if you ever need any other reviews, just PM me or hunt me down and yell at me to review your stuff. <3 you!

<3Mel

Jennifer! Where have you been? Of course I'll do this for you, you knew that

I have a puzzle – a jigsaw. The opening line could be more "Tadah!". For now, I feel like it's too casual, you know, like "Nice weather, isn't it?"

A single unit broken into a thousand pieces. Hmm, a slight cliché here, but I like where it's getting at.

Leaving it the way it is -

scattered everywhere -

it makes me ache. The dashes made me ache a little, but as they say, you either punctuate everything or then nothing at all. (At times, I disagree with that, but I guess it's for the good of everyone.) I think the aching is a good touch. Though, I feel it could blossom, if you expanded a little, e.g. Why does it make him/her/you ache? Because it's so sad to see all the pieces apart?

I need to put it back together

but I’m not very good at puzzles. I like this. The mood is kind of good sad, without being whiny.

The opening stanza is pretty good, if not a little too much of an introduction. I felt like there could have been even more wow factor, but perhaps it's only good that you start off calm.

There are no easy solutions, [b]Hmm, possibly a little... blah. It's kind of stating the obvious.

no order at all. The shortness of this line somewhat disturbed me. It feels a little out of place, especially when the second line of the previous stanza is longer than the others. It's the best-looking if lines are at least somewhat the same length, so the readers won't only focus on the unsymmetricalness (is that a word?). Then again, you could think of it as a clever way to show how vague and shattered a puzzle really is!

It takes skill to complete Complete what, I'd say. Right now it's a bit abrupt. And I'd also add a comma after this line?

a skill I do not possess.

My hands move in all the right ways

press together similar pieces, I think it should be pressing, or then you should just add a comma after the previous line. The similar pieces thing bugged me a little – I was left wondering, Don't you usually connect the different pieces? Or maybe that's why the narrator isn't very good at puzzles – she's focusing more on the similarities, instead of differences.

but I’m not very good at puzzles. Yay, very nice. It's amazing what miracles a simple line of a poem can do, isn't it? Though, that's what makes good poems!

So far, so good. Especially when I know you don't do much poetry!

You – you are a master. [b]Maybe it would smooth the change of the stanzas if you added a 'But' in the beginning? I have never cared about the 'Don't start sentences with an And or a But' rule. Haha.

Surely this will cause you no trouble. I don't like this line very much, to be honest. I've always felt like there needs to be a difference between poetry and casual chattery tones, and to me, this was too much of casual chattering. I like the thing you're saying in this part of the poem, but I think you should come up with a different way of saying it. Of course, you're the master, you decide.

Bits of tape connect some I think it should be 'something', otherwise the next lines will be a mumble jumble.

that foolish hands broke before you

and left me to mend. Hmm, I don't really follow here, to which does this reference?

An easy task for you,

but I’m not very good at puzzles. Pretty ending, good job.

I like the twist this got towards the ending!

So, Jen, I liked this, though I agree with Melissa about the fact that the subject was a little cliché. But you pulled it off fine, so no worries. I also think you shouldn't be worried about all the line breaks and punctuation things, you yourself know what looks or sounds good. Your poetry is what you make it, not others. It'll come in time, and I really think you should write more poetry. *nudge*

Have a nice day, hope this helped! See you around!


Demeter
xxx

Hi JFW1415,

Here’s your review, as requested

In general, I quite like this poem. As you said, the idea is not a new one, but I like what you’ve done with it. It’s a neat concept.

The first verse I don’t have any problems with. If you wanted to smooth it out a little, you might try fiddling with the third to fifth lines. I’m not sure what it is – either it’s the two sentence fragments in quick succession (“a single unit” and “leaving it”) that jars or possibly you’re reusing the dash too soon (weird as it sounds, sometimes repeated punctuation is as jarring as repeated words). Otherwise, it’s a good, strong beginning.

With the second verse, I found the third and forth lines a bit ofan issue. Aside from a personal dislike of repeated words, I found that it was a little too...mm. Passive? You might want to work on rewording it so that it’s stronger. Something like “I do not possess those skills/it takes to complete.” I like those last three lines, though – nice use of repetition.

The final verse is where it all goes wrong for me. In itself, it’s fine, I think the problem is I’m not sure what it’s supposed to add to the narrative. OK, there’s someone the poet is talking to who is good at puzzles. But I’m left with the feeling that there should be more to it – it feels unfinished, you know? What is the significance of the fact that this person is good at fixing things when the poet is not? The repetition of the last line is starting to get a little old, so you might try either adding a twist to it or putting in an additional couplet, just to drive the point home. I guess I felt it was kind of a lackluster ending.

Overall, it has lots of potential. I think you just need to work on strengthening the images and the sentences. With this kind of format, you run the risk of the words being stagnant. Try and give them some punch.

Kudos on a nice piece

Cheers,
~bubbles

Thank you so much!

Edited with many of your suggestions, and some of my own thoughts.

Any more opinions?

~JFW1415

Hi again,

Nice to see some editing going on

I like this version; there is a clear progression in each verse, and they each add something new to the image, which makes the ending much more effective. One thing I would watch - the repetition of "broken" comes across as a bit hackneyed. It's not something that would ordinarily detract from the poem, but the image of brokeness is itself overdone, so it sticks out rather more than you might like. Also, it doesn't seem to fit with the image I have of puzzle pieces. Perhaps you could try replacing one (or both) of them with a different word. Torn? Dirty? They are themselves rather well-used, I'm afraid, but you get the gist of what I'm saying.

Otherwise, keep up the good work!

Cheers,
~bubbles

You could perhaps relate this back to life... like you make me whole or something... maybe? Okay... perhaps not, but you could!

Just some general things here:

I have a puzzle – a jigsaw.

A single unit broken,

into a thousand pieces.



Leaving it the way it is,

scattered everywhere?

The thought makes me ache.



I’ve tried to do it on my own,

to put it back together,

but it seems broken beyond repair.



My hands move in all the right ways,

press together all the right pieces,

Yet nothing seems to fit.



But you – you are a master.

Surely even this mangled mess

will cause you no trouble.



The parts are broken,

nearly beyond recognition.

It’s an easy task for you,

but I’m not very good at puzzles.

Yeah... you should relate it to having character problems:

My life is a wreck,

just like the puzzle.

Please help me...

Add something like that in maybe.

Okay... well, I like what you have there, it's a good idea and you have executed it well. Keep it up! [I suck at poetry though...]