Young Writers Society

I cant believe I am the first one to comment on this. This poem is like the best, you had everything in it what a good poem would need.

1) Punctuation.
2) The theme and the plot was great!
3) The use of words.
4) Even though it didn't rhyme it sound really good.

Thumbs up! (:
You need a bright star for the solar syste to speack! I give you a star!

Wow! I really liked this!
There's not much I can say as how to improve it, but it's also good to know what you've done well.
I liked the repetition of (not directly) and the otehr words in brackets. I love most of the metaphors and similies and personification and whatever-the-Hell-we're-supposed-to-call-them-now.
I like the last part of of the last stanza best, but all the imagery works well.
Actually, i wouldn't have repeated 'corneas' but I just thin kthat's an 'ugly' word, which makes me biased as well as insane!

If you are seriously ten years old, I will never, ever, ever forgive you for being this talented. Ever.

Ever.

but with salty tears that could crumple
Lot and his wife.

I disliked this phrase. Why would saltwater crumple a pillar of salt?

Also this

There were dilated corneas as they sprinkled down

seemed kind of meaningless. How can one's corneas be dilated? Pupils, yes. Corneas, no.

That said, it was brilliant and I think I'm in love with your images, with your words. My last complaint? I didn't care about your last lines at all, after what had preceded them.

Pieces such as this go to show that children should not be neglected as "unable" compared to adults. If you're truly ten years old, your truly talented. I have a friend who doesn't come on this forum, but she would very much enjoy this! Beautiful work my friend

Let me first say that as Editor-in-chief of a lit mag. and Copy Editor of the school paper, I read a lot of students' works and submissions. That being said it's usually...I don't want to say trite...but the word is unfortunately apt (most poems follow and strict and forced AABBCC rhyme scheme and are about the most ridiculous things).

Anyway, the point of all that is that while reading your poem I got a very clear sense of you as a writer. Stylistically you are very unique and your piece was absolutely fantastic to read. The flow, the precise control over form and words, it's not found in many especially in ones so young. The references to God were subtle and I really liked that.

Anyway, criticism: Corneas don't dilate, pupils do, though I think you've already received that criticism. On that note, saltwater can dissolve a block of salt, it's its liquid properties that allows it to do so-being composed of salt doesn't really affect its dissolving abilities. Apart from that I wouldn't really change anything, stylistically it's you.

(In a sarcastic tone) 10 year old boys and their speakers shouldn't be smoking cigars.



PaperMoon

I was mostly objecting to the word 'crumple'. XD Also, who cries enough to melt a tallish woman's shape in salt? I don't care if you're celestial, there's only so far your metaphorical tear glands are going to go before they snap.

That was beautiful! As I read it, it felt like I was half a step behind until then end, when everything came together and (like the poet's fingertips) exploded in my head. Definitely an experience XD

I particularly loved the third stanza; the internal rhyme in the second line and the way you used "(not directly)" to steer the flow was brilliant. The imagery of "a gown of God" also struck me as particularly pretty. Kudos on a truly awesome piece.

Cheers,
~bubbles

This poem is particularly stunning. You're vocabulary shines and overall this poem is pretty perfected. Looks like your grammar has been cleaned up mostly, so here's just a few comments.

1) Being about too much of a good thing:
The little comments in parenthesis are cute, and in some spots are quite good, but they get repetitive and start to really mess up the flow of the poem. I think you should be careful distributing them. There can be too much of a good thing.

2) Being comments about consistence:
Your poem, though wonderfully executed, does seem to skip around painfully to the point of "um... what?" More transitions would be very much appreciated and would help this poem tons.

Otherwise, as I said, brilliant. It's detail is beautiful and the concept is clear and true. Good job.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Galeeerius!

I'm here. Sorry for the wait. ^^ The night you asked for the critique, I had an enormous pile of homework that lasted me through the night. I've never pulled an all-nighter before, so my brain was utter failure the entire next day/night. xD

I'm recovered enough now to put this crit up! ^_^

It ...sight.”

All the ands in the quote at the end are distracting? It's difficult to make sense of that.

I approve of the parentheses here! They add something to that part of the stanza. ^_^

The solor system theme is enforced well in this stanza. The underlined part is odd for me. I can't figure it out (at this point anyway). Could it be a metaphor/allusion for something? I suppose I shall read on! ^^

Tuned ...mouth.”

The parentheses here don't seem to be needed at all. Why are they there? Multiple words could replace any word in your poem. Do the parentheses symbolize something that I'm not catching?

You like lack of commas? oO

I find it very interesting how you start and end each stanza with the solar system, and you plug something in the middle; and the plugs are all related too! <3 ^_^ Of course, the underlined I don't get. Maybe it's just my lack of ability at riddles? But I'm not sure to what that part parallels to.

There ...is.”

The parentheses work here too.

This stanza is very neat. Probably one of your stronger stanzas because you use so many words that relate to your space theme, and that makes me happy. I love it when poets do that. ^^ The metaphor is consistently their one theme, and no repetition is involved [sometimes anyway]. Diction, basically. Good diction here. ^_^

And ...explode.

Very cool ending! I can feel the poem tie the bow on top. Beautiful! ^_^

At the first read, I didn't like the repeating parentheses [especially in this stanza], but now I'm thinking you shouldn't have to fret about that. I'm just unsure why? I still don't know the point of the parentheses. They're almost distracting more than helpful, yet they make sense where they are for everything but purpose. Not sure why they're there. xD

As you can tell, I tried to get as picky as I could; and the only way for me to do this is to type out what goes through my head as I read the poem. Perhaps my thoughts help you? I do love this piece [excluding the fact I love astronomy xD]. I think you could get more creative with your diction [word choice]. I don't understand the Lot metaphor still, so perhaps that could be replaced? Imagery and metaphors were excellent, however. Great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Galerius! June here!

Have I ever reviewed you before? I don't remember-- I guess my bad memory is kicking in.

Anyway, on this piece, I cannot see why you think that there is still something wrong with it. I think that this is a masterpiece-- a true piece of art that you have here. It's really, really fabulous.

Jabber has pointed out where the commas need to be pasted, so I won't repeat that.

Let's get picky:

jot on the jagged crevices, pockmarks whistling forth

• I'm not sure if that is supposed to be jotted? Or remain as it is?

(I can't find anything else)


So, let's see. As far as improvement goes, there were very few places where you can improve, dear. The words in parentheses are pretty cool the way they are. At first I was going to suggest changing it to in directly but I decided against it. It's pretty cool with that in there.

I like the abstractness of this. It's very complex and elegant, but it is carried out in a way that makes it very appreciative.

The usage of words throughout this was fabulous, Galerius. I don't see why you think this needs work, dear. Keep up the amazing work.

Juniper