Young Writers Society

I wrote this off the top of my head... I finally got to editing!

Strong words are said
between the lines,
if only you pay attention
at the correct times.

Words are heavy,
words are pure,
but mostly
words are dangerous for sure.

You cannot take words back,
they are out there to hurt
the feelings that are weakest,
the ones that can be tossed in the dirt.

So all-in-all,
words are just a wall;
you have to climb over them,
and not run into them,
to get stronger
instead
of hurt forever.

Hi Peanut! June here!

Eeps! Take your time when you write, dearie! Don't worry about all of the good reviews disappearing-- in fact, that never happens! If you see someone who gave a good review on another piece, you can ask them to review your work, especially if they have a will review for food thread. For me, you can always PM me or post a link in my guestbook .


Anyway!

Your signature made me smile after I finished reading the poem. Originality is the key here; your poem is definitely original.

Strong words are said,

between the lines,

if only you pay attention

at the correct times.

Lots of times in writing, it's really cool to word sentences in ways other than the traditional way in which they're spoken. However, it might make this stanza flow a little bit more if you rearrange the wording of the underlined stanza; instead of if you only pay attention, I found it easier to read when I read it as only if you pay attention. That's just a suggestion, dear, and you don't have to change it .

Words are heavy,

words are pure,

but mostly,

words are dangerous for sure.

I understand that you are using slight rhythm and rhyme here, dear. In the first stanza you have a rhyme scheme of ABAC, and here you have DEDE. But! I was thinking that this would look a little bit more handsome if you had "words" on the previous line? It would even out the syllable/line length and not make it feel like we need to "rush" the words to have them spoken out, dear.

You cannot take words back,

they are out there to hurt

the feelings that are weakest,

the ones that can be tossed in the dirt.

So! I was thinking about this part, and I think that in the first line, you can change cannot to can't, so that you only have one syllable there instead of two; having two sort of gives this stanza a little drag, and we have to drag later words out to "fill" up the spaces.

So all-in-all,

words are just a wall,

you have to climb over them,

and not run into them,

to get stronger,

instead,

of hurt forever.

Bravo, fabulous closing stanza, dear!


So, Peanut, I haven't read any of your other poetry, but I can definitely agree with you on the fact that this is a great poem.


I love how you described the words, especially with the "in-between-the-lines" phrase; it gives this poem a more honest touch to it, as if you're speaking from experience.

I love your rhyme scheme and punctuation; well done with that, dear, you didn't force it, and you used your punctuation correctly.


Keep it up, Gallery! I'd love to read more of your poems.

June

peanutgallery007 wrote:I wrote this off the top of my head; I haven't edited yet. I think it is one the the greatest poems I have ever written so I rushed to get it on here and grab some reviews before the good ones are all gone!!!

Strong words are said[s],[/s]
between the lines,
if only you pay attention
at the correct times. Times and lines aren't rhyming.

Words are heavy,
words are pure,
but mostly,
words are dangerous for sure. Here you have a problem with too many syllables and that's causing this forced rhyme.

You cannot take words back;
they are out there to hurt
the feelings that are weakest, You're making a huge jump here. All this flows too strong together so if you apart those lines, you get nothing.
the ones that can be tossed in the dirt.

So all-in-all:
words are just a wall;
you have to climb over them, I often say that a comma isn't needed here and I'm right in some point. The thing is that the linguists didn't worked out this rule yet(comma before AND): some say it is, some say it isn't.
and not run into them[s],[/s]
to get stronger,
instead[s],[/s]
of hurt forever.

Your main problems are the structure of the poem (much trouble with syllables) and other little, but important things like rhyme and punctuation. Although it was a good read, I give you 4/10.

This poem was pretty all right, if you know what I mean. The problem I had with it was the structure which was very off when it came to syllable's.

[spoiler]All-in-all I give this a 5/10[/spoiler]

I love, LOVE the informal sence that you put forward at the very beginning, awesome.

Now onto content. The wording and the phrasing all combined well with the rhyme scheme to make a very cohesive and easily flowing verse within every line.

However, the next to last grouping could have used a few shortened words and a bit more attention to vocal sound when read.

I loved it, personally, especially since this came from a random thought.

STAR!!

hi!
i really do like this poem and i love the rhyming scheme!

Strong words are said,

between the lines,

if only you pay attention

at the correct times.

this is my favorite verse because it intices me into the poem and i feal the urging need to continue to read!-well done!

but I think that the poem could be a bit better if you kept all the verses the same size:

So all-in-all,

words are just a wall,

you have to climb over them,

and not run into them,

to get stronger,

instead,

of hurt forever.

but other than that it is a brilliant poem so well done you!

dancing clouds

Hey Peanut,

Here's your review, as requested

Overally, I liked the concept of this poem, and it was handled well. Most of the things I'd want to point out as needing work have been discussed already, though, so I'll just give you a brief overview.

Firstly, you need to be careful with your rhythm and rhyme scheme. Some of your rhymes are really "almost-rhymes" - as in, they sound similar, but don't actually work together. That's OK if you want to keep it like that for artistic purposes, but try not to do it too often. Also, towards the middle of the poem you start running to longer lines, and this upsets the flow a little, so you might want to work on that.

Secondly, I personally found the middle two stanzas did not add much to the poem. They went over ideas that other poets have dealt with at length and which seemed tangential to the main point you were trying to make - or perhaps they just weren't integrated enough. You need to work on making these two stanzas smoother and more in keeping with the rest of the poem. For instance, you don't really explain here why I should conclude that "words are just a wall." Yes, words can be painful and you can't take them back, but how does this contribute to a "wall"? I think if you clarify this, the ending will be a lot stronger.

That said, I really like both the first and last stanzas. Just try to expand on those ideas more.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I'll probably only be saying things that every one else has already said, but oh well. The poem is definitely original, with thought-provoking subject matter. I like how the rhyme is quirky and not always exact, though it could be tidied up a bit. Your capitalization and punctuation (whew, two long words in successsion) need some work, however. This poem is like a lot of other writings on this site in that with some work, it could be great, as it is already good.

Cheerio, dahling, please add yours truly as a friend!

Hm.

When I was done reading this poem, I felt cheated. It was a perfectly good starting point, but the imagery was sparse, the slightly inverted common sayings weak; the reader is left wanting more solidity and real purpose. Nice phrased, here and there, but lacking in substance. Plus, it goes against every instinct I have to think of words as a wall, although that might just be me: how can a writer treat words as an obstacle to be surmounted or removed when what we (theoretically) do is use words to break down the rest of the world?

On a more technical level, I feel like this poem could benefit from a steady rhythm. I'd be the last to condemn free verse, but the rhyming without meter felt awkward, like a half-hearted nod to more conventional poetry without any of the effort involved in such. I would suggest either dropping it or using a more rigid form to better express yourself and make it more lyrical a read.

It's good and original, but something about the why it's
written was confusing me...I really don't know why.
The ryhming is pretty good, and I do like the meaning to it.

Good job, you should practice more so that you can get better. ^.^