Young Writers Society

Here's the first part of Chapter 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 2

The Streets of San Pedro

That first night passed like a dream. I wondered aimlessly through the streets of San Pedro.

The hospital had not been a major one in San Pedro. In fact, it wasn’t even really located in the city proper, but in Rosedale, a suburb. Rosedale had about forty thousand residents. Compared to other boroughs, it was a quiet little town where nothing ever happened after midnight.

I was more animal than human. The thirst would not let me be. It clawed and clambered against any thought or act contrary to its own. Instinct drove me; thirst drove the instinct. I didn’t have to think, I just flowed.

I knew I needed to change my clothes. The scrubs were covered in blood and hardly belonged on the streets. In the darkness, my eyes zoomed in on an outdoor clothesline. A hoody, a shirt, and a pair of jeans hung there. I jumped silently over the chain link fence, and put them on. The hoody was a little large, the shirt a little tight for me. I had to roll about three inches of the jeans up.

A screen door opened with a clink. The owner of the house stood there, a big black Lab at his side. He was an older man, thin, and he called out with shock at the sight of me in his clothes. He set the dog on me. It lunged for me, and I for it. It’s dead body dropped with a thud.

I killed the owner, too. I didn’t feed of him; he didn’t smell that appetizing. I did steal his sneakers, and I did want to feed again that night. The first time had been too quick, too easy, and too much out of a need to survive. A desire arose in me as primal and old as the earth. I wanted to hunt.

I didn’t know exactly what I was. The truth didn’t cross my mind; I was too obsessed with instinct. I imagined this was what it must be like to be a Great White Shark.

The thirst drove me onward, closer to the city. In the distance, the eerie illumination of San Pedro rose luminescent against its polluted sky.

The moon rose high as I crossed the Brockdale Bridge, officially entering San Pedro. The light reflected off my white skin in cool, electric blue. I walked along the highway, feeling, listening to each human in each car as it passed me on the highway. None was my quarry. My hair fluttered in the wind of the traffic. I walked with firm purpose, mouth watering. I was beyond beautiful; I was magnificent, and lethal.

A green information sign told me that San Pedro had a population of 3,947,265. The venom churned fiercely in my throat as I realized what this meant. I was a kid walking into an ice cream shop with four million flavors.

I knew then what I didn’t know as a human. Mankind did have a natural predator; me.

I caught scent of him as I entered downtown San Pedro, a labyrinth of black skyscrapers with glowing yellow eyes for windows. He was in a green car, passing on the highway. His scent was amazing, a strange mixture of melted chocolate and spicy cinnamon. I’d never imagined anything could be so tantalizing.

It didn’t matter that the car was moving much faster than me at the moment. I burst into a full out run, quickly closing any lead he had.

I followed him for miles, out of downtown, and into the Mountainside region. In less than an hour, I’d crossed more than half the city, on foot. I grinned; I had to admit, this was fun. No, it was beyond fun. This was thrilling.

Mountainside was very different from Downtown, and also very different for Rosedale. It was not clean, not wholesome. It had long been ridden with gangs and drug traffic. I fought the urge to abandon my prey and feed on a passed out wino. It would have been too easy, though. Every muscle in my arms and legs quivered, desperate to complete the hunt I’d started.

He parked the car in front of an apartment building, and exited. The wind blew, and I got another whiff of his blood. Soon, very soon, he would be mine.

The car alarm chirped, and the man walked inside. What should I do, I thought? Should I pounce now, take him so quickly he’d never know what hit him? Or should I wait, break into his apartment, and get him then.

I liked the later choice. Then and there, I could take my time, enjoy the taste, and marvel at its wonderful perfume. Just the thought of it made my stomach grumble, and my throat explode. My mouth watered.

A strange encounter played out in my soul. It was like my venom and my mind carried on a conversation.

‘Now,’ the mind demanded shrilly, ‘get him now. Drench yourself in his blood!’

‘Patience, my love,’ the venom responded, ‘Desire is a thing best gratified slowly. His blood will be just as divine later as now. Patience.’

The venom won out.

I followed his scent up the building. He went in an elevator- I could hear it grinding and moving every floor- and I flew with cat’s feet up the fire escape.

I watched him as he ate some food, and drank a beer. I hissed. How dare he dilute that precious scent with something as foul as alcohol?

‘Patience.’ The venom reminded me.

He watched television for hours, everything from corny westerns to racy romances. His apartment was littered with loose papers, textbooks, and empty beer bottles.

He rose and showered. I peered in through a small bathroom window. I could see every artery, every vein vibrate through the thin membrane of his skin.

‘Get ready!’ Even the venom struggled now.

He turned off all the lights in the apartment. I smiled; I wouldn’t need them.

The last light to turn off was in his bedroom, next to his bed.

‘Slowly, my love!’

I crept inside. It was pitch black, but that strange world of color came back. His torso and ribs were green, his neck, shoulders, and chest beet red. I could even pinpoint exactly where it was the blood would taste most exciting; right where his neck and shoulders met.

‘NOW!’

Every muscle released its maximum amount of energy. I was on him in one, quick, easy, silent pounce. He groaned, awake, the only sound that of air going out of his lungs. My body hit hard against his.

He tried to move, but it was too late. My teeth sank deep into his neck. The venom flowed in deep, juicy waves of intensity, and the chocolate and cinnamon taste flowed everywhere.

I drank until I could drink no more. I strongly suspect he didn’t have much left when I was done.
I lay back on his bed. His corpse looked at me with empty, vacant eyes.

‘Good-bye, dear one,’ the venom addressed him. ‘Parting is such sweet sorry.’

Next, the instinct told me to sleep. I did. I slept long, hard, and without interruption. When I awoke, it was still night. The green glow of his alarm clock told me it was just after three. I didn’t know how long I’d slept for.

I wish I could say I was sorry I killed him. At that time, I really wasn’t, anymore than a restaurant patron is sorry a cow had to die to give him his sirloin with grilled onions.

A funny thing happened. The instinct died done a bit. It wasn’t needed so much now; I’d feed, and would survive to feed again. For the first time since I woke in that operating room, I felt I could make conscious decision of my own.

A part of me wanted to know who he was. Or, at the very least, I wanted to know if there was some trophy I could take away. After all, it was my first kill. I went through his stuff, humming a song I found in his CD collection.

I found a gold band in his sock drawer. He’d not worn it in some time; there was an area free of dust beneath it as I picked it up. I placed it on my finger, admiring how it reflected the light next to my white skin.

His wallet also got my attention. Inside where a few credit cards; I threw them out, what good where they to me? His driver’s license told me his name was Gordon P. Jameson. Another ID said he was a faculty member at the University of California, San Pedro. Hmm…

I stayed for hours, shamelessly digging through his personal belongings. Not one part of me shrank as I looked back at what I done. I’d drunk his blood, watched his TV, and even took a few CD’s.

My clothes would need to be changed again. The hoody was absolutely soaked. The shirt beneath it still smelled like cinnamon, so I kept it.

Around 6:30, the sky grew suddenly orange. The dawn was coming. Blast! Instinct took control again. What was I thinking, staying so long? I needed to get out of there, find someplace dark, where I wouldn’t have to be trapped by that horrible orb.

I left as quickly and silently as I came, taking my prizes with me.

The morning burned on.

I sat curled up in a ball next to a dumpster, shivering. I was trapped between two worlds; the wild, crazy instinct that feared any movement at right then, and the remains of my shattered humanity.

I couldn’t tell if I was asleep or awake. The stinks of the garbage mingled with the harsh feel of the asphalt beneath me. At the same time, strange and terrifying images danced in my mind.

A form appeared before me. It was shapeless, black and blank. Then it started changing. First it was a body with no legs, and then it was all legs and very little body. A tail formed rapidly, and disappeared as quickly. Out of the front of it morphed a head, beastly, with lips locked in a vicious scowl. After the head, four legs appeared. Two golden wings sprouted from its shoulders.

It was a black bear, with golden wings. The bear loped towards me, its muzzle open in a growl. Hissing, I turned to face it. It would die as easily and quickly as the black lab from the night before.

I don’t what tipped me off, but suddenly I realized I couldn’t win. Terror gripped my heart, my soul, as I tried to escape with no success.

It charged closer and closer. It was going to tear me to shreds!

It reached me, and pounced. Now I knew how Dr. Jameson had felt when I’d knocked all the air out of him. And then I woke up.

I started to cry. I felt way too insecure, too…human.

I shuddered. The memories of last night danced in dreamlike fashion. I couldn’t believe what I’d done, how easy it had been. Even more shocking was how much I liked it.

“What the hell am I?” I called to no one in particular.

I remembered the thrill of the hunt. I had loved it so much. The taste of his blood was still keen in my mind. Surely, this was not normal, not for me. Had I always been like this? I thought of David, and his love for me. No, I couldn’t have been. There had to be sometime when I wasn't this wild.

I cried harder. Though no one was there, I felt mortally embarrassed. What kind of monster did this to me? Why had I been changed so cruelly?

"Come on, Jess," I sobbed. "Pull yourself together. Just try and calm down."

Resolutely, I wiped my tears away. My jaw dropped. They were purple. I sat there, transfixed. Who cried purple tears? The color seemed strangely familiar. I’d seen it before.

The IV bag! My blood transfusions! I realized I was crying blood.

Oh, this day just kept getting better and better.

*****

Heya Alex!

Whoo. I finally got here. Sorry it took so long ^_^

A screen door opened with a clink. The owner of the house stood there, a big black Lab at his side. He was an older man, thin, and he called out with shock at the sight of me in his clothes. He set the dog on me. It lunged for me, and I for it. It’s dead body dropped with a thud

You could go into more description here. Like was the dog barking at the stranger in the yard? Did the clothes line make noise as Jess took the clothes off? Or did any lights turn on? Did Jess hear the man before he opened the screen door?

I didn’t feed of him; he didn’t smell that appetizing.

What did he smell of? And I think of is supposed to be on ^_^

I did steal his sneakers, and I did want to feed again that night.

Reword this a bit: I did, however, steal his sneakers. Also, the need to feed was still there. Or something like that.

Or should I wait, break into his apartment, and get him then.

There should be a question mark at the end of this sentence. You also always put commas in front of the ands. You don't always have to do that.

What should I do, I thought?

Put "What should I do," in italics.

‘Patience, my love,’ the venom responded,

Okay, this is nothing. But I just had to say that the "my love" parts make me laugh. They remind me of Smeagol/Gollum on Lord of the Rings. I just had to mention this ^_^

It was like my venom and my mind carried on a conversation.

Change on to out. It may sound better.

‘Now,’ the mind demanded shrilly, ‘get him now. Drench yourself in his blood!’

The parts where the mind and venom are talking with each other should be in italics. It might look better. Just a suggestion.

His apartment was littered with loose papers, textbooks, and empty beer bottles.

This sounds rather telly. Go into a little more description >_<

I strongly suspect he didn’t have much left when I was done.

Suspect should be suspected.

‘Parting is such sweet sorry.’

I thought parting was sweet sorrow? Or maybe I'm wrong.

The instinct died done a bit.

Died down

the wild, crazy instinct that feared any movement at right then

The last three letters don't make much sense. I know what you mean but perhaps you could change the wording ^_^

It was a black bear, with golden wings.

So what does this interesting bear mean? Or will this odd dream be explained later on?

I realized I was crying blood.

Whoa! I've never heard of crying blood! That's different!

Description: Okay! The description is much better in this chapter, but some parts could use more. Also, when Jess is rummaging through the dead guy's stuff, it goes by rather quickly. Like you were rushing through it. Or it seemed to me...

Characters: Wonderful character development here! We really get to see how being a vampire is affecting Jess's life and how bad she feels. Good job!

Overall: I can honestly say there were much less mistakes in this one ^_^ I'm interested in this. You have an interesting ending here. Can't wait to read more!

Happy Writing!

Meadow

At last the twilight hours began. My skin was heavily sunburned, even though I’d kept to the shadows as much as possible.

I set out, for anywhere but where I was. I’d had enough of that alley, of just trying to make sense of things.

I wanted the thirst to return. I was so ashamed to admit it, but I did. I wanted to be lost in the instinct, to just do it. Because, when I was there, I didn’t have to think; everything just happened.

I left Mountainside as soon as it was really dark. I walked towards Downtown, aimlessly.

A shock went up my spine as I realized I was still wearing the blood-stained hoody. People stopped and stared at me. Instinct kicked in again, but I fought it, barely. Survival insisted these people die. Survival also dictated I act as normal as possible.

After midnight, I crossed the river again. Downtown lay behind me, reflected in the cool waters of the Rio al Océano. Ahead of me was the borough of Riverside. I couldn’t help smiling as I realized I’d covered almost a third of San Pedro, on foot, in a matter of hours between early this morning and tonight.

I picked a new scent as I entered South Riverside. It was much different than the human smells that flooded my brain. It was cold and bland. Interest peeked, I decided to follow it.

It was difficult. There were three scents, and they ranged all over the place. They seemed to very in potency, too. Here there was just the faintest hint of rich spice, over there a pinch of pineapple, and most dominantly, a trace of barbecue.

The barbecue scent grew thicker, newer as I approached the 200 block. Who made that? Why was it so different?

And then I spotted him. He was huge, at least seven feet tall. He knew how to dress well. A long black coat billowed in the breeze. His perfect features seemed crafted out of his pale brown skin. He turned toward me, and I saw his black hair…streaked with red!

My eyes grew wide. This man was like me! I was not alone in the world! I didn’t know his name, or who he was, but relieve flooded my soul, and I called out to him like he was old friend.

“Excuse me!” I exclaimed. “Excuse me.”

In a flash, he was all over me, pulling me down a side street. His huge fists wrapped tightly against my throat.

“Who are you?” his bass voice roared through an English accent. “What are you doing in my territory?”

I tried to speak, but the words chocked in my mouth.

“Who sent you?” he demanded.

“No…” I chocked. “No…one.”

“I have trouble believing that.” He gripped my neck tighter.

Then he noticed my hair. Immediately, his hands unclenched. I fell to the ground in a mess.

“You’re not a clan member?” he asked.

“Clan?” I said. “I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I could almost see the light bulb go off over his head. “Ah, a newborn,” he grumbled.

“Newborn?”

He chuckled. “Boy, you are rather clueless, aren’t you? Here, take this.” He took off his coat, and wrapped it around me. “But take that bloody sweatshirt off, it’s horrible. You should learn to clean up after yourself when you eat.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You really don’t know?” he asked. His red eyes sparkled. Calm came over me. I’d not expected to ever see emotion through eyes like mine. And then he laughed.
Anger piled on top of hate, on top of frustration, on top of curiosity. Why was he laughing? I had I really done something so bad as to deserve it?

“You really haven’t figured it out?”

“No,” I growled. He jumped back. His face faded.

“Sorry,” he said. “Would you like some help?”

“Please,” I begged.

“You hid from the daylight today, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I did.”

“You tracked him down a human and killed him last night, right?” he fought hard to surpress a maniac grin.

“Yes.”

“You drank his blood, right?”

I nodded.

“Why?”

That was a good question. I hadn’t really thought of it. ‘Cause I was thirsty,’ I told myself. But, that couldn’t be all of it. No, there had to be more. I had to have some other reason.

“But who drinks blood?” I asked allowed. My voice echoed through the street, and I felt startled. The poignant silence amplified the question, and an answer suddenly dawned on me.

“Can you not think of a creature with shuns the daylight, hunts humans, and has an insatiable thirst for blood?” Something new crept into his voice; concern.
Reality struck me like a Barry Bonds home run. I fell to my knees, unable to say the horrible word. No, no, it was impossible.

I drew a long, slow breath, and I realized I’d not been breathing before then. In fact, I could remember actually drawing a breath once all day.

I clutched at me heart; it lay still, silent. I thought of my breast, where I had a horrible scar of teeth marks. ‘Not dog teeth,’ I realized, ‘human teeth.

I thought of my eyes, my horrible red eyes.

“Oh, shit.” I moaned. “Oh, damn. Oh, shit. I’m…I’m a…but, that’s not possible!” I exclaimed. “I don’t believe in,” I yelled at the top of my lungs, and the finished with a petrified whisper, “vampires!”

He laughed insanely. “Yet, you’re here. I’m here. We exist. Sort of makes not believing stupid, right?” He sighed in a very pleased-with-himself manner. “Welcome to the dominant race.”

My only response was silence. I doubled over, and the uneven bricks of the street were stained purple with my tears.

I wasn’t certain how he’d respond. I was surprised when approached me gently, and lifted my head. He held my chin between his fingers as if my face were a wonderful, soft jewel he wished to admire.

“Shh, shh,” he crooned. “Yes, miss, I am a vampire. I’ve been one a…long time now.”

“How long?” I implored.

He glanced at me, and then away.

“Now, I don’t mean to scare you, friend,” he continued, purposefully changing the subject. “But, you’re a vampire, too.”

I sobbed. He sat down on the ground, his long coat trailing in the dirt. He just held me and I sobbed on his shoulder until I had no tears left to cry.

“I remember very well being a newborn,” he said. “The dramatics end with time. Are you still scared of your night vision?”

“Yeah,” I said, glad he brought it up. “What is that?”

He stroked my hair. “Your new eyes can see more than your old ones. It’s the infrared spectrum. It comes in pretty handy in a hunt.”

I remembered Dr. Jameson’s green, yellow, and red body in the dark of his apartment. “That one I figured out already.”

He chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

He ran his hands through my hair. He stood up, and offered me his hands. “Billy’s the name. What’s yours, love?”

“Jess.”

“Well, Jess…what do you want most right now?”

I thought for a second. Two things sprang immediately to mind. First, I wanted to not feel like the world was out to get me. I needed some place to hide till the thirst came back; a place to be me until I could feed. Second, I really, really wanted a change of clothes.

Billy laughed again when I told him. “Well, I know a place where you can get both.”

He started walking out of the alleyway. I stopped, a frightening thought crossingm my mind. I’d just met him, and now I trusted him to tell me the truth, to protect me?

“Why should I trust you?” I asked.

He pointed towards his own scarlet locks, and smiled. “Birds of feather must stick together, right?”

I nodded.

“Come on.” he offered.

We walked a short time, out into the dark night. He turned to me.

“Where’d you spend the day?” he asked, curious.

“In an alley, curled up like a baby next to a dumpster.”

He laughed a long, glorious howl that sounded more like a playful roar. It was a good thing it was well after midnight; humans would think a wild animal was loose. I felt safe there, with him, and his laugh. There was nothing of the monster about him.

“You are a baby,” he told me with a grin. I had to laugh, too.

And the adult lead the baby home.

Hey! Sorry I did not review chapter 1! Been real busy lately. But i read it and now I'm going to review this! I'm going to review the small part above me because I can see that MeadowLark has already beaten me to the other part.
Ok so the bold parts are my thoughts. Underlined things are stuff I added and strikethroughs are... things that are wrong.

At last the twilight hours began. My skin was heavily sunburned, even though I’d kept to the shadows as much as possible.

I set out, for anywhere but where I was. I’d had enough of that alley, of just trying to make sense of things.

I wanted the thirst to return. I was so ashamed to admit it, but I did. I wanted to be lost in the instinct, to just do it. Because, when I was there, I didn’t have to think; everything just happened.

I left Mountainside as soon as it was really dark. I walked towards Downtown, aimlessly.

A shock went up my spine as I realized I was still wearing the blood-stained hoody.I think that sentence would sound better if you remove the 'A' from the beginning of the sentence and just start with 'shock'. People stopped and stared at me. Instinct kicked in again, but I fought it, barely. Survival insisted these people die. Survival also dictated I act as normal as possible.

After midnight, I crossed the river again. Downtown lay behind me, reflected in the cool waters of the Rio al Océano. Ahead of me was the borough of Riverside. I couldn’t help smiling as I realized I’d covered almost a third of San Pedro, on foot, in a matter of hours between early this morning and tonight.

I picked a new scent as I entered South Riverside. It was much different than the human smells that flooded my brain. It was cold and bland. Interest peeked, I decided to follow it.

It was difficult. There were three scents, and they ranged all over the place. They seemed to [s]very[/s] vary in potency, too. Here there was just the faintest hint of rich spice, over there a pinch of pineapple, and most dominantly, a trace of barbecue.

The barbecue scent grew thicker, newer as I approached the 200 block. Who made that? Why was it so different?

And then I spotted him. He was huge, at least seven feet tall. He knew how to dress well. A long black coat billowed in the breeze. His perfect features seemed crafted out of his pale brown skin. He turned toward me, and I saw his black hair…streaked with red!

My eyes grew wide. This man was like me! I was not alone in the world! I didn’t know his name, or who he was, but [s]relieve[/s] relief flooded my soul, and I called out to him like he was old friend.

“Excuse me!” I exclaimed. “Excuse me.” I'm not sure about that piece of dialogue. In the line before you say that you called to him as if he was an old friend. I don't go: 'excuse me' to my friends . Try find something better that shows how relieved you are that you've finally found someone like you... albeit a stranger.

In a flash, he was all over me, pulling me down a side street. His huge fists wrapped tightly against my throat.

“Who are you?” his bass voice roared through an English accent. “What are you doing in my territory?”

I tried to speak, but the words [s]chocked [/s] choked in my mouth.

“Who sent you?” he demanded.

“No…” I chocked. “No…one.”

“I have trouble believing that.” He gripped my neck tighter.

Then he noticed my hair.I think you should show his facial expressions after he notices her hair. Maybe he looks relieved? Immediately, his hands unclenched. I fell to the ground in a mess.

“You’re not a clan member?” he asked. If he's asking whether she's a clan member I think this should be: Are you a clan member? If he's just stating a fact then it's good how it is.

“Clan?” I said. “I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I could almost see the light bulb go off over his head. “Ah, a newborn,” he grumbled.

“Newborn?”

He chuckled. “Boy, you are rather clueless, aren’t you? Here, take this.” He took off his coat, and wrapped it around me. “But take that bloody sweatshirt off, it’s horrible. You should learn to clean up after yourself when you eat.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You really don’t know?” he asked. His red eyes sparkled. Calm came over me. I’d not expected to ever see emotion through eyes like mine. And then he laughed.
Anger piled on top of hate, on top of frustration, on top of curiosity. Why was he laughing? [s]I[/s] had I really done something so bad as to deserve it?

“You really haven’t figured it out?”

“No,” I growled. He jumped back. His face faded. His face faded? This doesn't make much sense to me. Maybe you should change it to something along the lines of: the smile on his face faded.

“Sorry,” he said. “Would you like some help?”

“Please,” I begged.

“You hid from the daylight today, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I did.”

“You tracked him down a human and killed him last night, right?” he fought hard to surpress a maniac grin.

“Yes.”

“You drank his blood, right?”

I nodded.

“Why?”

That was a good question. I hadn’t really thought of it. ‘Cause I was thirsty,’ I told myself. But, that couldn’t be all of it. No, there had to be more. I had to have some other reason.

“But who drinks blood?” I asked allowed.I didn't understand that last part. 'I asked allowed?' I would suggest rephrasing it. My voice echoed through the street, and I felt startled. The poignant silence amplified the question, and an answer suddenly dawned on me.

“Can you not think of a creature [s]with[/s] who shuns the daylight, hunts humans, and has an insatiable thirst for blood?” Something new crept into his voice; concern.
Reality struck me like a Barry Bonds home run. I fell to my knees, unable to say the horrible word. No, no, it was impossible. I think the comma after the second 'no' should be replaced with a '...'

I drew a long, slow breath, and I realized I’d not been breathing before then. In fact, I could notremember actually drawing a breath once all day.

I clutched at [s]me [/s] my heart; it lay still, silent. I thought of my breast, where I had a horrible scar of teeth marks. ‘Not dog teeth,’ I realized, ‘human teeth.

I thought of my eyes, my horrible red eyes.

“Oh, shit.” I moaned. “Oh, damn. Oh, shit. I’m…I’m a…but, that’s not possible!” I exclaimed. “I don’t believe in,” I yelled at the top of my lungs, and [s]the[/s] then finished with a petrified whisper, “vampires!”

He laughed insanely. “Yet, you’re here. I’m here. We exist. Sort of makes not believing stupid, right?” He sighed in a very pleased-with-himself manner. “Welcome to the dominant race.”

My only response was silence. I doubled over, and the uneven bricks of the street were stained purple with my tears.

I wasn’t certain how he’d respond. I was surprised when he approached me gently, and lifted my head. He held my chin between his fingers as if my face were a wonderful, soft jewel he wished to admire.

“Shh, shh,” he crooned. “Yes, miss, I am a vampire. I’ve been one a…long time now.”

“How long?” I implored.

He glanced at me, and then away.

“Now, I don’t mean to scare you, friend,” he continued, purposefully changing the subject. “But, you’re a vampire, too.”

I sobbed. He sat down on the ground, his long coat trailing in the dirt. He just held me and I sobbed on his shoulder until I had no tears left to cry.

“I remember very well being a newborn,” he said. “The dramatics end with time. Are you still scared of your night vision?”

“Yeah,” I said, glad he brought it up. “What is that?”

He stroked my hair. “Your new eyes can see more than your old ones. It’s the infrared spectrum. It comes in pretty handy in a hunt.”

I remembered Dr. Jameson’s green, yellow, and red body in the dark of his apartment. “That one I figured out already.”

He chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

He ran his hands through my hair. He stood up, and offered me his hands. “Billy’s the name. What’s yours, love?”

“Jess.”

“Well, Jess…what do you want most right now?”

I thought for a second. Two things sprang immediately to mind. First, I wanted to not feel like the world was out to get me. I needed some place to hide till the thirst came back; a place to be me until I could feed. Second, I really, really wanted a change of clothes.

Billy laughed again when I told him. “Well, I know a place where you can get both.”

He started walking out of the alleyway. I stopped, a frightening thought crossing[s]m[/s] my mind. I’d just met him, and now I trusted him to tell me the truth, to protect me?

“Why should I trust you?” I asked.

He pointed towards his own scarlet locks, and smiled. “Birds of feather must stick together, right?”

I nodded.

“Come on.” he offered.

We walked a short time, out into the dark night. He turned to me.

“Where’d you spend the day?” he asked, curious.

“In an alley, curled up like a baby next to a dumpster.”

He laughed a long, glorious howl that sounded more like a playful roar. It was a good thing it was well after midnight; humans would think a wild animal was loose. I felt safe there, with him, and his laugh. There was nothing of the monster about him.

“You are a baby,” he told me with a grin. I had to laugh, too.

And the adult lead the baby home.

Characters
I think you did a great job in bringing out the personalities of the characters. I loved Billy, how cautious he was when he first saw her and then sort of calmed down. I also really like how you showed that Jess hasn't lost her humanity. She can't control her thirst, and she isn't evil.

Plot
I love the story so far and now I'm sure it isn't like twilight. The plot till now is awesome!

Grammar
Nothing big here except for one or two things I pointed out above

Great job on this! Please continue writing this story and PM me when you've written more!
xxmimixx

Did you think I should have introdcued him by name sooner?

I am going to review this in pieces, kind of how you posted them. In the future, it might be better to split these pieces up so that it would be easier for your critiquers. I'll start with little nitpicks than finish up with my thoughts on character development, the setting, and my overall opinion of the whole piece. Ready...here we go!!

The Streets of San Pedro


That first night passed like a dream. I wondered aimlessly through the streets of San Pedro.

Okay, so my biggest pet peeve is redundancies. If you are going to start your story off telling us exactly where the story is taking place, you don't have to repeat yourself in the very first sentence. I'd rather you'd just cut the intro, telling us where this is taking place. I think the story would be much more powerful that way, and draw your reader in.

A hoody, a shirt, and a pair of jeans hung there. I jumped silently over the chain link fence, and put them on. The hoody was a little large, the shirt a little tight for me. I had to roll about three inches of the jeans up.

Okay, so right here, I am super confused about the gender of your character. I mean, here it sounds like a male. But we find out later on that in fact the protagonist is a female named Jess. I think you need to make it evident that your character is a girl. You could work it in right here as she is getting dressed. If the shirt is too tight, then describe how it strains against her bust. Or talk about how the hoody caused her long hair to poof out from the static. Also, later on when the old man comes out, I don't think she should steal his shoes. Typically men's footwear just doesn't fit us women and while the other clothing can be the wrong sizes and work, shoes are something that are either a hit or miss.

I killed the owner, too. I didn’t feed of him; he didn’t smell that appetizing. I did steal his sneakers, and I did want to feed again that night.

Watch your redundancies. You use feed twice here and I know you use it a lot throughout the story. If you have trouble finding a word to replace this I suggest using a theasaurus. Most word processors have it built in along with a dictionary and spell check. I use my theasaurus on a daily basis. I think it is a necessary tool for all writers to use.

In the distance, the eerie illumination of San Pedro rose luminescent against its polluted sky.

I love this description. I really like how you talk about the polluted sky.

The light reflected off my white skin in cool, electric blue. I walked along the highway, feeling, listening to each human in each car as it passed me on the highway. None was my quarry. My hair fluttered in the wind of the traffic. I walked with firm purpose, mouth watering. I was beyond beautiful; I was magnificent, and lethal.

Gah! I love this paragraph. The description about your skin being a cool, electric blue painted such strong imagery in my head. And I really liked the last sentence about your protagonist being beyond beautiful. It just made shivers go up my spine.

A green information sign told me that San Pedro had a population of 3,947,265. The venom churned fiercely in my throat as I realized what this meant. I was a kid walking into an ice cream shop with four million flavors.

I love this quirky bit of information. And the comparison of the humans to ice cream is so morbid, but I like it.

I caught scent of him as I entered downtown San Pedro, a labyrinth of black skyscrapers with glowing yellow eyes for windows.

Your descriptions of the setting is so fantastic. You paint pictures with your words, you have great talent.

Soon, very soon, he would be mine.

Since I believe this is a thought of your character's, I think it should be italicized.

What should I do? I thought. Should I pounce now, take him so quickly he’d never know what hit him? Or should I wait, break into his apartment, and get him then?

My mouth watered.

This is the second time you've talked about her mouth watering. Perhaps you could have her salvitating at the prospect of fresh blood.

‘Now,’ The Mind demanded shrilly, ‘get him now. Drench yourself in his blood!’


‘Patience, my love,’ The Venom responded, ‘Desire is a thing best gratified slowly. His blood will be just as divine later as now. Patience.’

I think since you are treating the mind and the venom as objects that could carry on a conversation you should capitalize them. But that is up to you.

The venom flowed in deep, juicy waves of intensity, and the chocolate and cinnamon taste flowed everywhere.

You use flowed twice here. I know it is probably getting repetitive, me pointing out your redundancies, but you really are such a strong writer. I think you can come up with different ways to express the point you are trying to make. Perhaps instead of flowed you could use words such as: poured, surged, gushed, coursed, or even emanated.

‘Good-bye, dear one,’ the venom addressed him. ‘Parting is such sweet sorry.’

I think you meant to say "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Next, the instinct told me to sleep. I did. I slept long, hard, and without interruption. When I awoke, it was still night. The green glow of his alarm clock told me it was just after three. [s]I didn’t know how long I’d slept for.[/s]

I think getting rid of this last sentence makes it flow better.

I wish I could say I was sorry I killed him. At that time, I really wasn’t, anymore than a restaurant patron is sorry a cow had to die to give him his sirloin with grilled onions.

Wow, talk about getting your reader to relate to your murderous vampire, which is kind of a tricky thing to do. You pulled it off beautifully here. Bravo.

For the first time since I woke in that operating room, I felt I could make conscious decisions of my own.

Here you left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Why was she in the operating room? What happened to her there, that caused her to become a vampire? How did she get out of the hospital without being detected? I think you need to explore this and give us something so we are not sitting there confused as to what happened to her.

A part of me wanted to know who he was. Or, at the very least, I wanted to know if there was some trophy I could take away. After all, it was my first kill.

How does her first kill make her feel? I mean, she basically lost her vampire virginity and you skim over this event like it ain't no thing. Does she suddenly feel disgusted with herself? Proud? Remorseful? Does she feel immortal, like she can do anything and nothing can stop her? I want to get into her head, see how she operates.

I found a gold band in his sock drawer. He’d not worn it in some time; there was an area free of dust beneath it as I picked it up. I placed it on my finger, admiring how it reflected the light next to my white skin.

The ring to me, feels like the perfect trophy to take from his apartment. All the rest of it, going through his wallet and stealing his cd's just seemed to drag the story down. What is the purpose of stealing a cd? Does she have something to play them with? Since the guy is already dead we really don't need to know his identity.

My clothes would need to be changed again. The hoody was absolutely soaked. The shirt beneath it still smelled like cinnamon, so I kept it.

Here I would like for her to get clean clothes out of his closet. Perhaps she finds his clean shirts still smell of him with a hint of fabric softner. Maybe he has some pants that would fit her more properly. I want her to make it intimate, almost as if she were borrowing the clothes of her boyfriend instead of the guy she had just killed.

Around 6:30, the sky grew suddenly orange. The dawn was coming. Blast! Instinct took control again. What was I thinking, staying so long? I needed to get out of there, find someplace dark, where I wouldn’t have to be trapped by that horrible orb.

Why does she have to leave his apartment? I mean, it is pretty evident that he lives alone, so why doesn't she just close the blinds and hang out with the corpse? I think it would make more sense, plus it could add a twist to the story. Maybe his landlady comes by to collect rent and makes Jess panick and hide in the closet. Idk, it is of course up to you, but I just don't understand why she has to leave the apartment in the first place.


Characters: Like I said earlier, I was confused as to what gender your character was, so I'd like for you to clarify this. Also, you give us a very limited physical description. Other than long hair and blue-white skin, we really do not know what Jess looks like. I think you do a good job of conveying her confidence and her lack of morals, at least when it comes to killing and stealing people's things. But I don't really feel like I know Jess. I don't know how she became a vampire, how long she has been a vampire, how she feels about being a vampire, I don't really know why she feels the need to take a trophy from her victim's house. I really want more of her inner thoughts. You do good when she is struggling to restrain herself but other than that we really don't know what she is thinking or feeling.

Setting: I think you do a pretty good job of this. Just remember to use all five sense when you are describing someplace. How does it smell? What kind of textures are there for your characters to touch? What are some of the colors? Is there loud music, a couple fighting overhead, or just the still silence that gives most of us the shivers? As for taste, I don't think you need to tell us if the walls taste like grape Kool Aid, you can just keep this sense for describing how the blood tastes or even the air.

Overall: I really like this story, although I'm not really sure where it is headed. There are a lot of unanswered questions about this girl's recent past and how exactly she discovers these new powers she now possesses. Right now the plot is a little weak and I think you need to take a minute to develop a back story. Other than that I think this has major potential. Hopefully this helped.

Sorry about the delay, settling into a new home is so hectic.

The stinks of the garbage mingled with the harsh feel of the asphalt beneath me.

You are such a descriptive writer, this bit really disappointed me. What exactly is she smelling? I think the stinks is too vague. Is she smelling rotten vegetables? Sour milk? Poopy diapers? With her acute senses she should be able to distinguish each and every smell in that dumpster.

It was shapeless, black and blank.

This sentence threw me off a little when I read it. Black and blank are so close in spelling, that I almost thought you wrote black twice. I would change blank to a different word, something a little more descriptive.

It was a black bear, with golden wings. The bear loped towards me, its muzzle open in a growl. Hissing, I turned to face it. It would die as easily and quickly as the black lab from the night before.

Watch your redundacies, you use the color black three times nearly all together. Perhaps you could call it a sable beast, or something like that.

I don’t know what tipped me off, but suddenly I realized I couldn’t win.

Terror gripped my heart, my soul, as I tried to escape with no success.

WHy couldn't she get away? What was stopping her? THe bear didn't have her in his grasp...I'm just confused why she can't get away.

Oh, this day just kept getting better and better.

I felt like this ending was really weak. I would have rather you had just ended it the sentence before. I think it would be much more powerful and dramatic.

Characters: Jess is much more developed in this segment. I feel like I am really starting to get to see her emotions, her thoughts, her personality. I would love for you to expand on her reaction to this transformation. Maybe even make her rage about being turned into a vampire.

Setting: I was actually a little disappointed here. Last segment you did such a beautiful job decribing her surroundings, and here...well I felt it fell flat. You could describe the color of the dumpster. Is there graffitti on the brick wall adjacent to her hiding place. What does she hear while she is sitting there? What is the weather like? Is there trash in the alleyway, other than what is in the dumpster? Does some homeless guy come meandering down the alley? You could even expand on the smells. Maybe there is a resturant nearby and she smells them cooking bacon and the oil that the french fries go in. I just wanted more.

Overall: I liked how short this piece was, it made it very easy to review. I do like the vulnerability you show us in Jess. Other than the little nitpicks I pointed out, I really think this piece is very strong. Entertainment value is high, I can't wait to see what happens next. Oh, one other thing, what is the signifigance of the bear? I mean, I know she got it from David as a present at the carnival...but why has something sentimental and sweet turned into something she is afraid of? It was a little confusing.

Here we go, last part...

I couldn’t help smiling as I realized I’d covered almost a third of San Pedro, on foot, in a matter of hours between early this morning and tonight.

I think you should reword this. Like this:

I couldn't help but smile as I realized...

I think that flows much better.

I picked up a new scent as I entered South Riverside.

They seemed to very in potency, too. Here, there was just the faintest hint of rich spice, over there a pinch of pineapple, and most dominantly, a trace of barbecue.

Very should be vary. And I think you need a comma after here.

And then I spotted him. He was huge, at least seven feet tall.

Seven feet tall? That is like freakishly huge. And it is actually very hard for tall men like that to find nice clothes that fit them well. If you want him to be tall, make him 6'5 or 6'7, that is still pretty tall without being something of circus quality.

He knew how to dress well. A long black coat billowed in the breeze. His perfect features seemed crafted out of his pale brown skin. He turned toward me, and I saw his black hair…streaked with red!

I didn’t know his name, or who he was, but relieve flooded my soul, and I called out to him like he was old friend.

Relieve should be relief.

I tried to speak, but the words chocked in my mouth.

Choked instead of chocked. Make sure you are using the right words, even if your spelling is correct.

“No…” I chocked. “No…one.”

Choked not chocked.

“What are you talking about?”

I dont understand why she asks this question. The line before has this other vampire telling her to clean up after herself when she eats. Why doesn't she get that? Remember if you say something in the beginning of the dialouge and then say something else at the end, naturally, people will expect a response to the end of the dialouge because that is how we talk.

I had I really done something so bad as to deserve it?

Uck, this sentence should just be taken out. I just felt it wasn't neccessary and it is worded weird.

“No,” I growled. He jumped back. His face faded.

How does someones face fade? Maybe you meant to say his smile faded or his laughter or the mirth from his face, but i don't think you meant his actual face.

“But who drinks blood?” I asked allowed.

Aloud instead of allowed.

In fact, I could remember actually drawing a breath once all day.

This needs to be reworded to make it flow better. Something like this:

In fact, I could not remember drawing a breath all day.

I clutched at me heart; it lay still, silent. I thought of my breast, where I had a horrible scar of teeth marks. ‘Not dog teeth,’ I realized, ‘human teeth.

My instead of me. And if these are thoughts in the quotation marks then they need to be italicized. Thoughts are always italicized.

I doubled over, and the uneven bricks of the street were stained purple with my tears.

I love this sentence. You stun me with some of the descriptions you come up with.

I was surprised when he approached me gently, and lifted my head.

I sobbed. He sat down on the ground, his long coat trailing in the dirt. He just held me and I sobbed on his shoulder until I had no tears left to cry.

You used sobbed twice in this, alternative words you could use are: wail, howl, weep, bawl, snivel, and blubber.

“I remember very well being a newborn,” he said. “The dramatics end with time. Are you still scared of your night vision?”

It's not really night vision, more like heat seeking vision. Night vision makes everything green and eyes glow. Heat seeking is what you are describing with the reds, greens, and yellows.


CHaracters: I'm loving Billy, he is so interesting. I am a little concerned about Jess and his meeting however. They just seem to get comfortable with each other too quickly. I'd like for there to be a little bit of a conflict there. Maybe a personality clash, or something. Also, what has happened with Jess's family? I mean the girl was dead and then she just got up and walked out of the hospital. Basically her family should be looking for the missing corpse. I'd just love for Jess to spot a tabloid headline with something like "Dead Girl Goes Missing." Yeah, sorry that was totally off topic. But you do a good job here with the characters.

Setting: I have nothing to critique here.

Overall: I can't wait to read more. I am so curious to learn more about Billy and the clan. I am also curious to discover how Jess adapts to being a vampire. Really, all I can really suggest you pay attention to is your redundancies, and make sure you are using the proper words. Spell check won't catch it if you write their when you really mean there. Reread your work twice before you post it and you should catch these little mistakes. Good Job.