Young Writers Society

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Hannah wrote:I.

They are cold in photographs -- Could you explain me what does this do??? It's not wrong, just..I don't know what it means...
what springs they could wither in life!
Screaming out like drowning people, hope You could put this in the next verse.
in waters too cold but for dormant fish,
they'll pull in the slightest
hint of adoration.
One breath and then it's gone beneath
the ice sheets: her heart beneath his influence.
Past dreams, like frozen sunnies, What are sunnies?
memories of summers never spent will wait
until she calls for them again, her releasing moment
their spring and warmth.
Should winter last forever, so they will die,
so will the hapless ice-walker freeze in his own beloved eyes.
This verse is too long, cut it into two pieces.

If you read this, let me know what passed through your mind as you read it -- what did it remind you of?
[i]Please be especially harsh on this piece. I kind of wrote it about someone and hope to polish it and hand it over to said person.

This is just 1st part, but I didn't like it cause I didn't quite understand it. It reminded me of me, of crap in our lives...(lol)
Now the second part...

Hannah wrote:
II.

[s]Then [/s]this descent is what they meant by fall -- You don't have to put "Then", even if it's the second part. The poem sounds better without it.
a gentle give to the sweeping winds and charm of winter.
Each drop of water gives up its life
and falls to static crystallization.
But the crystals in his eyes
inspire fervor, and death of only hindrances.
She lets them slip from her cheeks,
silk cloth over newly cleansed skin,
new snow over browning grass,
hands over ice just formed,
hands over love just born:
sweet caress.

I absolutely loved it. I don't have anything to say. Some may say something about last verse, but it's fine for me.

III.

He is her being and her all,
the form made her, and watched
as she blossomed under summer heat.
It took the rashness (idle trait)
and put in understanding in its place.
It let his eyes ferment, then freeze,
when winter swept in. You really don't get some good with this verses.
A heat that could have burnt the world,
singed the petals of growing honeysuckle,
subdued in steely frame for him;
for her, a life of fire.

I really don't know, it was quite hard to review. It's pretty complicated. Sorry that I wasn't much of a help. Don't worry, even if the poem isn't perfect, your friend will be delighted with the gift and you...

6/10

I adore you~

they'll pull in the slightest

I don't like this. It's because of the they'll - it doesn't really fit, and I also think that present tense (eg they pull in) would work better than future tense.

Then this descent is what they meant by fall --

Okay. We talked about this! It is a very cute idea: 'fall in love' and 'autumn.' I think maybe it's because I'm extremely slow and stupid today, but I did not get this at all; I read the line three times, thinking you meant fall as in the verb, and then I was like, oh! Autumn! But I completely didn't get the other meaning. But I don't know. I think this line needs a second opinion.

Especially juxtaposed with the next line, about winter, it's a lot more autumn than falling in love, I think. Second opinion. Yes.

She lets them slip from her cheeks,...sweet caress.

I absolutely love that whole bit. I really do.

And I liked the last part as well, so no nitpicks.

Okay, Hannah. This was especially hard for me to understand, I think because I was really struggling to find the right answer, and, of course, didn't read the A/N til the end. Doubly hard because I think I know who it's about, so my mind is trying to mold it to that person. So I apologize if I have a very...distorted take.

The concept isn't too hard to grasp, is it? My main problem is the first part, because it's all pretty words that seem to have no meaning. Honestly, I know you were trying to not come out and say it, but I think that if you did mention that they=his eyes somewhere in there, it would be a bit less muddy. And you don't even have to say his eyes, per se, it could be one of those whatchamacallits. You know. Metaphors.

But yes. Pretty much I was a confused during the first part, and then slowly the poem came together, and took shape. Maybe that's what you wanted? But it's never good when a reader is so unclear - so unclear, in fact, that if I wasn't reviewing I'd probably have just been like, oh, eff this and clicked away. The words are gorgeous, it's just, I think it needs to be more defined. If that makes sense.

Clarification: I think your style (which I adore by the way) is so flowery and (I hesitate to say this after your A/N) antique-y (it reminds me of old lace and stained glass lampshades) that your subject, then, has to ground the poem, like an anchor, or else it's just pretty words and no meaning...
...ah, I don't know. I'm sorry, I've spent three paragraphs saying nothing.

I do like this, it's just, off. I don't know. Sorry.
-Mars

Here as requested! I always get so intimidated by your poetry. You have this sort of indecipherable, old-time quality ion your writing.
I'll break it up. I'll do a line-by-line of each part, then give an overview of said part. You'll see what I mean.

They are cold in photographs -- I'll assume the "they" in question are his eyes?

what springs they could wither in life! Do you mean springs as in the season, or springs as in a pool of water? I'll assume you mean the season.

Screaming out like drowning people, hope

in waters too cold but for dormant fish,

they'll pull in the slightest

hint of adoration.

One breath and then it's gone beneath

the ice sheets: I think this colon should perhaps be an em dash?her heart beneath his influence.

Past dreams, like frozen sunnies, Sunnies? This sounds really immature and child-like in this poem.

memories of summers never spent will wait

until she calls for them again, her releasing momentThere should be a comma right here.

their spring and warmth.

Should winter last forever, so they will die,

so will the hapless ice-walker freeze in his own beloved eyes.

Because of my aforementioned assumptions, I interpreted this piece to be about some guy's eyes. Apparantly they're very cold and cruel, but every now and again, they'll flash with adoration. Perhaps he's afraid to admit those few brief flashes, and the girl - the "she" mentioned here - resents him for that (which would explain the reason for you adding in that last line). I like this. It's very relatable, and has an odd twist of madness in it, which is why it's difficult to interpret.

Then this descent is what they meant by fall -- Ah, I like this. The metaphor of "fall" - the season and the "fall in love" thing. Nicely done.
a gentle give to the sweeping winds and charm of winter.

Each drop of water gives up its life

and falls to static crystallization.

But the crystals in his eyes

I'll assume the crystals are a metaphor for tears?

inspire fervor, and death of only hindrances.

She lets them slip from her cheeks,

silk cloth over newly cleansed skin,

new snow over browning grass,

hands over ice just formed,

hands over love just born:

sweet caress.

This part was a bit clearer. A tribute to love's pain, no?

He is her being and her all,

the form made her, and watched

as she blossomed under summer heat.

It took the rashness (idle trait)

and put in understanding in its place.

It let his eyes ferment, then freeze,

when winter swept in.

A heat that could have burnt the world,

singed the petals of growing honeysuckle,

subdued in steely frame for him;

for her, a life of fire.

You have impeccable grammar - in all three parts. Too bad I don't understand a word you write. xD I get that this all has something to do with love, but your poetry makes me feel incredibly stupid. Try clearing some stuff up. Then it won't make your readers feel so inferior.

Oh, and by the way, I like "Seasons of Ice" the best. It fits perfectly with your poem.

They are cold in photographs --
what springs they could wither in life!
Screaming out like drowning people, hope
in waters too cold, but for dormant fish,
they'll pull in the slightest

I think that "hope" is not needed and should not be used in this... half stanza. It disrupts the entire flow. Also, just add a comma before "but." I like that half stanza. It introduces the concept well.

hint of adoration.
One breath and then it's gone beneath
the ice sheets: her heart beneath his influence.
Past dreams, like frozen sun fish,
memories of summers never spent will wait
until she calls for them again, her releasing moment
their spring and warmth.
Should winter last forever, so they will die,
so will the hapless ice-walker freeze in his own beloved eyes.

Good. I liked this stanza a lot. I love your analogies.

But the crystals in his eyes
inspire fervor, and death of only hindrances.
She lets them slip from her cheeks,
silk cloth over newly cleansed skin,
new snow over browning grass,
hands over ice just formed,
hands over love just born:
sweet caress.

The last line seems to not quite fit. Maybe you should say "a sweet caress" instead. Otherwise it seems as if the words were just stuck in.

He is her being and her all,
the form made her, and watched
as she blossomed under summer heat.
It took the rashness (idle trait)

I think that the word "all" doesn't fit. Try for something less blunt, or the phrase seems a bit cut off from the rest of the words.

- - - - -

One~
I liked your poem a lot. It held a lot of meaning and plenty of analogies.

Two~
Although, it seemed a bit excessive. I know the entire poem was based on his eyes. But it never really said why, in fact, his eyes were so "icy." If she enjoyed his company they would be "oceanous," or such. So why does she feel such things for him. If this was lightly touched in the poem, it would help it.

...

Overall, excellent poem, just keep in mind what I said.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Ok I really wanted to review this in detail, but have been beaten to it,
To that, I can only express my sincerest regret, my deepest admiration for your wonderful poem and my assurance that I gave you a gold star,
Love,
Velvet

Hi, Hannahness!


I.

I'll just be telling how I felt what I thought, if that's okay? I didn't feel like correcting anything, because I liked the entity very much. (Though, the repetition of 'beneath' disturbed me a little.)
Alright. What I thought was that the boy and girl have known each other for a long time, perhaps they've been very good friends or even together; either way, loved each other. Brotherly love or love love, anyway. Then maybe something has happened in the boy's life that has made him ignore the girl or at least not treating her the same way he used to. Anything particular may not even have happened; they've just kept growing older and the boy has been letting the behaviour and/or the world-view of other people influence on him too much. The girl, of course is sad about this, and keeps casually and slyly reminding the boy of the past years – maybe saying a childhood inside joke or something, and for a moment, everything feels like what it used to be. Then, however, the boy has gone in his shell again, leaving the girl humiliated or confused, and most of all, sad. She can't help thinking that the warm childhood friendship may be gone forever.
Long story short, boy and girl like each other, boy turns into a jerk, and girl is afraid they've grown apart. I'm sorry for such a rant, but it's pretty much exactly what I've been through with a certain someone, so it kind of got to me.


II.

In the second part, the girl (assuming they're still the same people) hasn't given up on the boy. She starts maybe replaying the memories in her head, and saying them out loud to him. He can't keep on acting he doesn't care anymore; he gets very emotional of all the thoughts and memories, and hopefully realizes how stupid he's been. He realizes that the girl and the memories are too precious to let go, and they both cry in happiness and because of the fact that everything hasn't gone yet (well, this was quite clear, wasn't it? Haha) and start feeding their long-gone relationship again.
I have to say I loved the imagery in this bit – though, describing tears as crystal has quite lost its originality, and in this part, you do it two times. It's beautiful anyway.


III.

In this part, it seemed to me that the background of the boy's changed behaviour got more explained. I think it became clearer that they had indeed known each other in the past. The boy perhaps got scared of how she grew older and prettier, and thought distortedly that he'd be able to save their friendship if he built that shell of his. You know how both boy and girls are a little unsure of themselves when they start growing and changing, and I think that's basically what happened with these two as well. But then, as told in the second part, he realized how wrong he'd been. It also seemed to me that he, however, still wasn't completely relaxed and continued being only slightly reserved. The girl seemed more serious about the relationship, and maybe more dependant of him than he is of her. All of this is of course only my analysis and may be completely different from what is supposed to be thought.


La la la, I liked this very very much. If you need anything more to this, just let me know. Oh, and I think that 'Seasons of Ice' would be a better title, since 'His Eyes' is kind of obvious and not very interesting. Though, it would fit, too.

Hope this helped (or more, was what you were looking for). =)

*gold star*


Demi
xxx