Young Writers Society

Okay, so please be as harsh as possible. This is a remake of a short-story I wrote my freshmen year as an English grade (edited, of course). The two main characters are minor characters from a story I am writing with my friends. Hope you like.
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Melody threw herself down amidst the moving grass, staring up at the grey sky with worry in her blue eyes. She looked sideways at her twin, Serenity, who was playing a little way off with their pet dog, Poofles. Letting out a sigh of irritation, she returned her gaze back towards the clouds, wondering why she had even agreed to come out into the fields. The storm that was coming was supposed to be the worst one they’ve had in a while and they needed to get back before it started up.

Melody closed her eyes and let the thoughts run through her head as she listened to her sister giggling and shouting. Time slowly crept by and she had just drifted off into a slumber when she felt a splash of water on her skin. Opening her eyes, she was welcomed with the sight of a million raindrops falling towards her. She jumped up and looked around for her sister, finding Serenity a little farther from town than she had been before Melody had gone to sleep.

Already drenched, she walked slowly through the rain towards her sister and their dog. The rain began to thicken as she reached them and lightning started to flash somewhere in the distance.

“Come on, Serenity. We should get home before we catch a cold,” Melody told her sister, her arms wrapped around her body as she began to shiver from a strong wind.

Serenity looked at her sister with a sad look, her black hair clinging to her skin and adding to the mood. “I guess… I was having so much fun though.”

Melody rolled her eyes and turned around to face back towards town. “Mom and Dad are probably worried enough as it is. We didn’t even tell them we were going to come out here. Get Poofles and let’s start heading back.”

Serenity nodded in reply, though still a little sad that her fun was ruined. Turning around, she reached to pick Poofles up when a flash of lightning struck somewhere nearby. The following thunder was resounding and caused both girls to jump and squeal in fear.

Poofles also seemed to have been frightened by the noise and, instead of jumping into Serenity’s arms, ran away from the girls and towards an old decrepit castle that used to rule over their town of Brooks. He yelped along the way, the grass parting before him in an effort escape being trampled on.

“Poofles!” Serenity shouted in shock, frozen as she stared after the fleeing dog. Then, she began chasing after him, slipping in the mud that had suddenly appeared as she ran.

Melody shook her head as she watched, slightly embarrassed by the sight and glad that no one was around to witness it. Then, noticing the direction the two were traveling, she gasped in shock and started running after them. For the castle that was evidently their destination was rumored to be haunted and deadly. Apparently those that went in rarely ever came back out.

Melody called on the rocks below the surface as she ran, preparing herself for any monsters that may have been lurking around the vicinity of the castle in wait for some tasty prey. Her powers over rocks and jewels had been useful in times when she’d been on little adventures like this.

Catching up to her sister at the entrance of the castle, Melody quickly let her powers slip as she stared in fear at the building. The towers seemed to loom above her and a flash of lightning added a strange and dreadful look to them. Vines and moss grew in between the cracks of the castle's stonewalls, while destroyed cannons and longbows littered the grounds. Both drew closer to each other unconsciously, their fear growing as a howl came from within the building.

The large double-doors in front of the two were slightly cracked open, the evident place of Poofles entrance. Though her love for the dog was great, Serenity stared at the doors with horror. Melody watched her sister closely, and even though she had a great fear of the castle herself, knew it was better to go inside than wait in the rain for the dog to make its way back. Going against all that she knew was right, she led the other inside the building.

The inside of the building had barely any light, the clouds and rain outside obscuring any rays that could have made their way inside from the sun. The wind from the outside ran through the building, creating all sorts of noises that played with the girls’ minds. A creak from somewhere in the castle led to Serenity grabbing her sister’s hand for comfort.

“Serenity, do you think you can use any of your powers of witchcraft to help out in here?” Melody asked her sister, guessing that the answer was probably ‘no’. Guessing right, Melody reached into her pocket and grabbed out an amethyst that she always kept with her. Whispering a few words, the jewel began to glow, giving the girls an adequate light to repel the darkness of the castle.

“We shouldn’t have come here…” Serenity muttered, close to tears as she looked around. The rumors of the place were screaming in her head. “We’re probably going to die.”

“We are not going to die. Perhaps we’ll be a little creeped out when we leave, but there won’t be any dying today. We’ve been on many adventures and we’ll just add this to the list.” Melody spoke with the courage of experience, remembering the times when they had fought monsters, saved the world from blowing up, and stopped an insane ruler from marrying their mother. Going into a haunted castle didn’t seem so bad after all of that.

Melody jumped as the doors slammed closed behind them. She bit her lip and fought back her own tears. Serenity was now sobbing deeply, repeating that she wanted to go home over and over. Melody just hugged her, knowing that they couldn’t make their way back now even if they wanted to.

“Come on, sis! Be brave! We’ll make it through the night. Now, let’s do what we came here to do: find Poofles. He’s probably scared out of his mind and this isn’t going to help him calm down… wherever he is.”

Serenity nodded, wiping away the tears in her eyes. “I’ll try to be brave, but no promises.”

Melody chuckled. “I’m fine with that.” She looked around as she tried to find a place to start their search. A door opposite them was slightly open, most likely meaning it was the place Poofles had run to. Pointing at it, she continued, “Let’s start there.”

She held tight to her sister’s hand, leading her forward slowly but surely. Halfway to the door, all of the candles in the room suddenly lit up. Both girls froze in fear, squeezing the other’s hand until they felt their blood circulation was going to stop. Muttering encouraging words to her sister and herself, Melody continued forward. She took a step and stopped. Nothing happened. Making sure it wasn’t a fluke, she tested it again. No strange occurrences happening after that, she walked forward and reached out her free hand to grab the door handle.

A bright flash suddenly lit the room, blinding the twins momentarily. When it had receded, bright and cheerful music filled the air. People’s voices could be heard in the room beyond, giving quite a scare to both girls. Looking at each other in surprise, their mouths dropped even further when they saw each other. Instead of being soaking wet and wearing comfortable clothes, the two were now dry and garbed in beautiful ball gowns.

“Oh, my gosh…” Serenity whispered, her eyes wide in awe. “What is going on?” She ran her finger down the skirt of her gown, the purple silk the softest thing she had ever touched.

More noises came from within the room beyond, making the girls look at each other. Then, the noise suddenly died down and the girls’ curiosity got the better of them. Slowly opening the door, they entered into the next room which happened to be a huge ballroom.

Serenity looked around with the same awe she had felt before, her eyes never stopping as she looked around the room. A small band played music on the left side of the room, giving rhythm to the people dancing around the room in elegant clothes. Tables of food stood to the right, the delicious aroma of the snacks making her salivate with eagerness. Her eyes ended their journey as they fell upon a gorgeous staircase opposite the door she had just entered. Seeming to be made of pure marble, Serenity knew that there was evident wealth living here. She looked over at her sister, who seemed to be in equal feeling.

Melody looked at her sister and their eyes met. She guessed what her sister was thinking at the moment and agreed with her. Still, though such a gorgeous scene played out before them, she couldn’t help but wonder at how this had come to be. Just a few short moments before the castle had been uninhabited, unhappy, and unloved. There was just no logical explanation for the people standing before her and the untouchable beauty of the building.

She looked around, wondering if they could be ghosts. Shaking her head, she threw the idea away when she realized that ghosts could not have changed so much of the room. Plus, her sister was now chomping away at food on the side, and her continuation meant that it was of no harm. Melody sighed and leaned against a nearby pillar, closing her eyes as she tried to think of what this was all for.

A sudden silence in the room made her curious and she opened her eyes to see a beautiful woman garbed in a magnificent cream gown walk down the staircase. The woman, evidently of high stature, gazed down upon the inhabitants of the room with bright, curious green eyes. Her brown hair, dressed in hundreds of tiny curls, gave an air of elegance to her that couldn’t be matched. The woman stopped at the bottom of the stairs, smiling as all of those in the room bowed or curtsied. Even the twins curtsied to show their respect, though they had no clue as to who the woman could be.

With a nod from the new arrival activity started back up in the room. The band began playing with a little more beat than before, wanting to put on the best of performance. Those who had been dancing did so now with a little more zeal than just a few moments ago. Several people standing off to the side began gossiping, talking about the woman with the greatest praise and respect. Melody strained to hear what they were saying and gasped when she heard the name.

Serenity, still at the food table, was oblivious to the conversation around her and was surprised when her sister called her over with a stern look on her face.

“I’ve been calling you for about a minute and all you did was stuff your face! Could you be a little more polite while we’re in this atmosphere?” Melody waited for her sister to nod and then let out a sigh as she prepared to tell her of what she had heard. “Ok. Don’t freak out, but… I don’t think we’re anywhere near home.”

Serenity stared at her sister in confusion. “What do you mean? It’s just beyond the fields.”

“Maybe there is a building there at the moment that looks like our home… but it just isn’t. Serenity, the lady that came in here…” She paused, still a little shocked by the news herself.

Serenity stared at her sister, the confusion on her face greater than before. “What are you talking about? Did the rain give you a fever or something?”

“She’s Queen Amylia!”

Serenity’s face paled as she understood what her sister meant. “B-but… She died long before the castle was even finished! How could that be?”

“I’m not sure…” Melody replied. “But we can’t get back home if we’re here, stuck in the past…”

Serenity let out a whimper as tears flooded her eyes. She reached up to wipe them away, her heart sinking as she realized the trouble they were in. Melody just stared at her sister, her hands clenched in anger. How could she have let this happen? She was the responsible one…

But somehow she knew that she wouldn’t have been able to stop it. Whatever the reason, the two had been sent through time for a reason. And she couldn’t help but think… Why, oh, why, me…

Heya Saph!

Great story, I enjoyed reading it. Let me see if I can find some nit-picks. That's so fun to do.

You have awesome description of the field and the incoming storm, but it sort of seemed like you were telling. That's what it seemed to me. I'm not entirely sure, it's just:

Melody, knowing that this wasn’t the best time to run off, hesitantly ran after her sister, trying to convince her that the dog would come back on his own. Serenity was oblivious to her sister’s calls though and ran onward.

Perhaps you could try saying: Melody gritted her teeth together in irratation. This was not the best time to run off. She cast a glance at the dark clouds and hesitantly ran after her sister.

And then you could have her calling to Serenity, saying the dog would come back on its own. It may be better like that ^_^

“And we would have come if you hadn’t just had to run after Poofles. He would have been fine on his own.”

I think you meant to say "And we wouldn't have come here if you hadn't run after Poofles." It makes a little sense that way.

Characters: I don't know if this is a short story, or an actual story but your characters need more emotion. They just seem to be so...blank. Add some fear when they went back to the 1600's. Or fear of the storm, for their lost puppy, etc. Or, backing this up, when they were playing with Poofles in the field. Show their happiness.

Overall: I really liked this and I'm curious to know what the twins plan on doing about their predictment. The description was great. I could visulize some of it. Hope I helped!

Happy Writing!

Meadow

Straight onto the objective... the story. I liked it a lot. It carried on a nice story. Here's some comments~

The Story-

Overall:
Very fast paced even for a short story. It seemed to go way to fast and at the reckless speed you were taking it, it left no room for details. I would suggest making room for that and slowing it down and leaving space for more thorough details. They are very important, I'm sure you know.

The Characters:
This seemed like a prologue. You gave no room in your hurried story for any character description besides their overall appearance. As you know, it doesn't matter what's no the outside, it's the inside that counts. This saying goes for both racial prejudice and for character building. Yes, we do want to know what the character looks like, but we want to know more about how they act and how they feel.

The Plot:
A good plot that did leave you hanging. Details and description please though. I'd like a more eloquent word choice too, please. I get the feeling that though it sounds like a childish fairytale, it's something deeper. Please portray that using figurative language and a broader vocabulary.

Otherwise, I think it was interesting an entertaining read. Please put in mind my comments as I believe that this story has good potential.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Thanks everyone for your reviews! I did my best on editing this, but I'll make sure my future additions are more to your liking... at least I'll try.

Thanks again!

@;- Saph

Harsh is what you want? Well, harsh is what you get.

It was a cold evening as storm clouds rolled into the sky around the town of Magick. Silence filled the air as the inhabitants of the city rushed into their homes in an effort to escape what had been predicted as the worst storm since the Great Tornado. Dread filled the air, reaching every person and animal.

~ This paragraph had me wondering, "why should I care?" You're dropping us right in the middle of a historical time-line, and since you don't have any MC to tie this into, things here leave us hanging and confused.

~ "Magick" is a very cliched name for a fantasy story. Rack your brain to come up with a town's name that's unique or come up with something less fantasy oriented, such as "Rivercrest."

Two young girls had managed to escape the feeling of oppression, though, and had left for the time being to enjoy their day. Hoping to make it home before the storm began, Melody and Serenity Stanford had gone to the grass plains just outside their town. A pleasant game of chasing their black Yorkshire terrier had taken their time and allowed them to forget of the oncoming weather.

You're contradicting yourself in later paragraphs. After reading on, I thought they hadn't even expected the storm in the first place.

Melody, the older of the two by three minutes, was usually compared to a stick while her sister had a bit of plumpness about her that gave away her love of food. Their dog, Poofles, was very tiny and seemed to like adventure as much as his masters. Always with the girls, the little terrier never missed any excitement.

~You have mentioned that they are twins already. Since "of the two" is cumbersome in this line, I would nix it.

~ You don't mention the sister's name here, when you have the opportunity. In the next paragraph, when you give Serenity's name, we're left wondering who she is for a minute.

~ This paragraph in general is very tell-oriented. That means you just give descriptions without really giving us a reason for it. Put some dialogue between the sisters here and intersperse your descriptions in the tags.

Magic was a commonality on this world,

Never tell readers point-blank that magic is common. Show us by portraying a magic shop in town, Serenity using magic freely, one of the sisters thinking about some spell they have to do, ect.

The girls, now in the middle of the field, were certainly surprised when the rain suddenly started pouring.

Here is where you contradict yourself when you had said "Hoping to make it home before the storm began,"

Soaked to the bone within the first two seconds, they immediately knew this wouldn’t bode well for them in the future.

Why would it not bode well? They'll be sick for two weeks? Their parents will ground them for a year? Tell us!

The rumors of the haunted castle immediately ran through both girls’ heads and Serenity, immediately fearful for the Yorkshire, began running after the dog. “Come back, Poofles! We need to go home!”

~ "Yorkshire" pulls this out of becoming a full-fledged fantasy and into a realistic fantasy (a fantasy set in the modern world, only with magic), since "Yorkshire" is the name of a place in England.

~ Answer these questions in this paragraph: Wouldn't any rational person physically stop somebody from running into a haunted castle after a dog and would somebody really have the personality to run into a haunted castle after a dog?

Please give us a reason why Melody isn't stopping her sister from running into the castle and also give us a reason why Serenity would run after the dog.

Showing us more on the twins' personalities in earlier paragraphs would help answer those questions.

Lightning flashed through the sky, illuminating the castle for just a moment. The tall towers seemed to grow taller in this light and loomed over the young girl in such a way to make her shiver in fear.

You're trying to set a spooky mood here, but with your repetitive description (tall and taller) you're not setting as much mood as you could. Really expand this to give us the shivers when reading it.

The overall effect deemed it qualified for the horrifying stories the twins had heard about the building and events that had happened on the grounds.

Telling is prevalent again here. Don't say what effect the castle has on them. Describe the castle/setting so well that we don't need to be told.

“Oh, my! Where is Poofles? Poofles! My darling!”

This dialogue is really unrealistic. Could you imagine saying "my darling" when calling a dog?

Now, if calling "my darling" after a dog is Serenity's character, you're going to have to show us her character very well so we understand this. And if she's like this all the time, give her some redeeming qualities that make us not want to slap her silly.

Melody patted her head gently and, suddenly remembering a stone in her pocked, reached to get out an amethyst that she always kept with her. Muttering in low tones, she called on the jewel to create a beacon of light in the dark crypt before them.

I thought Serenity was the witch.....

Serenity asked softly, looking around in horror. Were the rumors true, she wondered? Was death the only thing to greet them in the halls of this castle?

Ye be switching viewpoints something fierce here. Stick to one character and have everything through their eyes. Most of the castle scene is omniscient, but here is the place you start switching quickly.

Omniscient isn't really a good viewpoint to have. Pick one character and stick to it.

They reached the open door and gasped as they heard the sound of music coming from the room beyond. They quickly looked at each other and gasped as they noticed they were now realizing beautiful ball gowns decorated with hundreds of tiny pearls. Shock filled their faces and it only grew as they opened the door before them.

~They gasped at this, they gasped at that, they're shocked that things are changing.

Sure, that's the obvious reaction that people will assume they have. Dig deeper to make them react with something other then base emotions.

~ What happened to the other senses here? You've mentioned they are cold and wet. Are they suddenly dry and warm? Are delightful aromas filling the hall? Fill in the description throughout the time they are in the castle.

“Time travel’s not something that I expected…

Actually, I expected some sort of time/place change like this. As soon as I read "Great Tornado." Does the Land of Oz ring any bells?

~~

Showing vs. telling: "Showing" is when you give us a scene to introduce things. A "scene" being something with description, dialogue and your character's detailed reactions. "Telling" is when you summarize a scene. In some cases, telling is better (like, when dealing with something that isn't the main plot. If your main plot is your MC going on some noble quest, we don't want five scenes showing how she gets along with people). In other cases, showing is better. Showing is what you need to do a lot more of here. Right now, we don't have enough world description and characterization to be able to draw our on conclusions.

Here is an article you might want to check out. It explains how to show instead of tell.

Viewpoint: You're in an omniscient viewpoint here. Stick to one character's mind throughout, and have scene breaks for viewpoint shifts. In some cases mid-scene viewpoint shifts can be pulled off (check Tamora Pierce's Song of the Lioness quartet to see that in action), but most of the time you want to be in one character's head and one character's head only. It makes things easier to read.

Characters: They feel underdeveloped right now. They're just doing things that follow a logical, or sometimes illogical path (dog runs away, one tries to run after it, other tries to stop,) and they don't have any thoughts behind those actions. Thoughts are what make characters alive. Use them, and use them a lot.

Rack your brain: Some of these names, histories and magical things are really under-thought. A town with the name "Magick" is bound to be in a world where magic is common-place; why do we need to know about the "Great Tornado" in the first place? How did it shake things up? Who exactly can call up magic, and what magic can they call? What does a witch's power entail?

Overall: I found this to be fast-paced and a little cliched. Girls get transported to dazzling land during a storm and need to find their way home is your basic plot right now. It sounds frighteningly familiar to a story with a girl who gets dropped down in Oz when a tornado hits.....

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Alright..prepare yourself. Not only is it a long, in depth critique (after previewing it), but I'm about to rip this piece to shreds.
And to make life more interesting, I'm going to use many emoticons along the way (maybe for my amusement more than anything).

Melody threw herself down amidst the moving grass, staring up at the grey sky with worry in her blue eyes.She looked sideways at her twin, Serenity, who was playing a little way off with their pet dog, Poofles. Letting out a sigh of irritation, she returned her gaze back towards the clouds, wondering why she had even agreed to come out into the fields. The storm that was coming was supposed to be the worst one they’ve had in a while and they needed to get back before it started up.

Melody closed her eyes and let the thoughts run through her head as she listened to her sister giggling and shouting. Time slowly crept by and she had just drifted off into a slumber when she felt a splash of water on her skin. Opening her eyes, she was welcomed with the sight of a million raindrops falling towards her. She jumped up and looked around for her sister, finding Serenity a little farther from town than she had been before Melody had gone to sleep.

AAAAkkk!!! It took me forever to figure out what seemed so odd with these first two paragraphs. Its the tense! The very first sentence was present tense, but you kept moving around with them. You should stick to one. Not good. I know that in some tenses all the actions are in past, and then all the 'while ___ ' and 'as (insert action here' are in present tense it throws off the flow of the writing. My suggestion: Slowing down and just making sure you do none of the above. (So stay in one tense).

A few suggestions other than the tense: Here's where your judgement is way more important than mine. I have a few sugestions for the wording in this..
1.) Instead of: 'Opening her eyes, she was welcomed with the sight of a million raindrops falling towards her. Try:When she opened her eyes, she was welcomed by millions of raindrops falling from the sky.
The part about 'the raindrops falling towards her' was a little to obvious for me. Well, she's on the ground right? She's not above the cloud. So gravity helps and it has to fall down. Feel free to take it or leave it or mix them for the ones were I change the wording (for all of these suggestions, its all the same, because sometimes I really am not the best writer).

Already drenched, she walked slowly through the rain towards her sister and their dog. The rain began to thicken as she reached them and lightning [s]started to flash somewhere[/s] in the distance.

[

“Come on, Serenity. We should get home before we catch a cold,” Melody told her sister, her arms wrapped around her body as she began to shiver from a strong wind.

We already have figured out that Serenity is Melody's sister,so we don't need the 'told her sister' part. I would just say 'told her'

Serenity looked at her sister with a sad look, her black hair clinging to her skin and adding to the mood. “I guess… I was having so much fun though.”

'adding to the mood' seemed really odd to me, but I'm not sure whether you should change it, rephrase it, or nix it. I'll just put this out there..It sounds odd.

Serenity nodded in reply, though still a little sad that her fun was ruined. Turning around, she reached to pick Poofles up when a flash of lightning struck [s]somewhere[/s] nearby. The following thunder was resounding and caused both girls to jump and squeal in fear.

Don't tell us her fun was ruined! Show us. I know Rosey was telling you this too,and it seems much better now, but maybe show us how she bent her head down, and her eyes were filled with sadness or something like that.
Second bold: I've noticed that you've been using the words 'somewhere' a lot in your writing when describing distance, usually paired with 'nearby'. I say, just get rid of 'somewhere'. It gives the feeling that its unknown and that you felt unsure when you were writing it, but saying 'nearby' is good enough on its own. It lets the reader know that it is close, but it doesn't tell us exactly where and it makes you sound like you yourself know exactly where it struck when you don't. That was a terrible explanation, did you understand what I am trying to (and failing to) explain?

Poofles also seemed to have been frightened by the noise

You showed us in the next sentence reeally. We got that he was afraid becuase he ran away.

He yelped along the way, the grass parting before him in an effort escape being trampled on.

Here's a spark of originality!!! Its not thhat the rest of your story isn't original. I'd say that its way more orignial than how it was before (reading the parts in the quotes of the other reviewers), but here's where I saw something that I haven't seen in a book. The grass moves!!! I never thought of something like this. But, I'm pretty sure that 'the grass parting' should be 'the grass parted'

[quotes]“Poofles!” Serenity shouted in shock, frozen as she stared after the fleeing dog. Then, she began chasing after him, slipping in the mud [s]that had suddenly appeared[/s] as she ran. [/quote]
Well, within momments the twins were drenched, so I'm not surprised that there's mud. Its agiven since its raining so much.

Melody shook her head as she watched, slightly embarrassed by the sight and glad that no one was around to witness it. Then, noticing the direction the two were traveling, she gasped in shock and started running after them. For the castle that was evidently their destination was rumored to be haunted and deadly. Apparently those that went in rarely ever came back out.

First off, why is she embarresed? At her sister tripping? Because they're soaked to the bone? Because her sister is running after a dog? You can keep this, just give us more of a clue to what she was embarassed about, because it made me confused.
Another wording suggestion: Instead of: For the castle that was evidently their destination was..'
Try: 'This was because the castle that was their destination was..' or 'Their destination, the old castle, was rumored to be haunted. And deadly. Apparently those who went in rarely came out.'

Catching up to her sister at the entrance of the castle, Melody quickly let her powers slip as she stared in fear at the building. The towers seemed to loom above her and a flash of lightning added a strange and dreadful look to them. Vines and moss grew in between the cracks of the castle's stonewalls, while destroyed cannons and longbows littered the grounds. Both drew closer to each other unconsciously, their fear growing as a howl came from within the building.

'Melody quickly let her powers slip'. What does this mean. It sounds interesting, but I don't know what it really means. But I'm a little ignorant of fantasy terms here (If it is one, I don't really know). But your description here was wonderful!!!! <--that's me clapping. I could see the castle, and the mood that you were trying to set sunk in. I imagined them, standing in fear as rain soaked them in front of the castle. But then....'as a howl came from within the building'. It was so good, but then the howl made it extremely cliche and cheesy. It could have been a number of things here, an owl hooting, a hawk screeching, flesh eating dogs barking in the distance, but it was a howl. Howls are overdone when trying to set the mood you were. Please! I'm begging you! Change it to anything else!! It was such a perfect paragraph until that!!
The large double-doors in front of the two were slightly cracked open, the evident place of Poofles entrance. Though her love for the dog was great, Serenity stared at the doors with horror. Melody watched her sister closely, and even though she had a great fear of the castle herself, knew it was better to go inside than wait in the rain for the dog to make its way back. Going against all that she knew was right, she led the other inside the building.

The inside of the building had barely any light, the clouds and rain outside obscuring any rays that could have made their way inside from the sun. The wind from the outside ran through the building, creating all sorts of noises that played with the girls’ minds. A creak from somewhere in the castle led to Serenity grabbing her sister’s hand for comfort.

1.) obscuring--> obscured
2.) 'any rays that could have made their way inside from the sun'...well, the 'the' isn't needed. Its agiven its from the sun. And if there are numerous light sorces, then explain this so it doesn't seem so obvious.
3.)'a creak from somewhere in the castle'--> a creak from in the castle. You did the 'even I, the author' don't know where it is, so I'm going to write it unsurely down, and your going to know' thing.
4.)'from somewhere in the castle led to Serenity grabbing her sister's hand for comfort'--> 'from somewhere in the castle made Serenity grab her sister's hand for comfort.

“Serenity, do you think you can use any of your powers of witchcraft to help out in here?” Melody asked her sister, guessing that the answer was probably ‘no’. Guessing right, Melody reached into her pocket and grabbed out an amethyst that she always kept with her. Whispering a few words, the jewel began to glow, giving the girls an adequate light to repel the darkness of the castle.

Wait..doesn't Melody have the powers? There wasn't a hint of Serenity having powers.. this paragraph just overall confused me.

“We shouldn’t have come here…” Serenity muttered, close to tears as she looked around. The rumors of the place were screaming in her head. “We’re probably going to die.”

Melody jumped as the doors slammed closed behind them. She bit her lip and fought back her own tears. Serenity was now sobbing deeply, repeating that she wanted to go home over and over. Melody just hugged her, knowing that they couldn’t make their way back now even if they wanted to.

Tense change alert!!

She held tight to her sister’s hand, leading her forward slowly but surely. Halfway to the door, all of the candles in the room suddenly lit up. Both girls froze in fear, squeezing the other’s hand until they felt their blood circulation was going to stop.

Call me picky,but I would get rid of hte 'suddenly'. It ruins the mood, because I know something is suddenly going to happen, instead of it just..happening. I think you meant 'until they felt like their blood circulation...'

she walked forward and reached out her free hand to grab the door handle.

Wait..what door? The one behind them?

Slowly opening the door, they entered into the next room which happened to be a huge ballroom.

By now I'm sure your really sick of me getting rid of words like 'suddenly' and 'somewhere'. And now the phrase 'which happenned to be'. Why? I'll explain this one. Its not because it make you, the author, sound unsure or unknowing about what's happening. It makes the incident seem unlikely. Well, it is unlikely, but let me show you what I'm trying to say..
When we ran out of gas, I felt the car loose energy, and we slowed down and down until we stopped by a building. Which happened to be a gas station.
It makes it seem even more unrealistic..Do you see what I mean? I'm really sorry if my explanations are getting more and more confusing..I'm getting more and mroe tired.

Plus, her sister was now chomping away at food on the side, and her continuation meant that it was of no harm. [/qutoe
This sentence seemed stiff. I think its after the comma that it gets like this. I think it might help if you say ' and since she continued to do so, it was of no harm'.

“I’ve been calling you for about a minute and all you did was stuff your face! Could you be a little more polite while we’re in this atmosphere?” Melody waited for her sister to nod and then let out a sigh as she prepared to tell her of what she had heard. “Ok. Don’t freak out, but… I don’t think we’re anywhere near home.”

1.) 'I've been calling you for about a minute..' seems like the not sure writing aproach again. Take out the 'about'. I feel so bad for constantly pointing them out, but it bothers me sooo much.
2.) The line 'Ok. (which should be Okay). Don't freak out, but...I don't think we're anywhere near home.' sounded very original. The line 'Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.' popped into my head. I would rephrase it, because its important that we know this.

Serenity let out a whimper as tears flooded her eyes. She reached up to wipe them away, her heart sinking as she realized the trouble they were in. Melody just stared at her sister, her hands clenched in anger. How could she have let this happen? She was the responsible one…

I'm confused to as why she would blame herself. She doesn't really seem like the responsible one really, it had been Melody that had said that they should go home and Serenity seemed sad. But, anyway, what's with the sudden viewpoint. I'm guessing this paragraph is important, so maybe you could show Serenity's anger at herself through Melody's POV

Sentence Fluency and Structure
Your writing seemed stiff, or forced through out this piece. While I was reading the past blurbs before you edited, it seemd to flow much smoother. There was also less tense changes, which I'mguessing is one of the root problems along with your 'somewhere''s and all the others that I pointed out. I think those really seemed to mess the flow up. I kinda wanted to do this whenever I saw those words by the way: and
Tense!!!!!
Editing this for tense is not going to be fun. It was constantly changing. So go through, and change it all to whichever tesne you want. It doesn't makea difference to me really...just stick to it.
Characters
Compard to what I saw in the quotes and to what I just read, your characters have traveled a long way. You showed that Serenity liked to eat a lot instead of just saying it outright. I could see who was the responisible one, and the brave one and all. And for this:
<-- The last one was of me jumping with joy. Just to let you know.
Word Choice
I loved your word choice, but in some cases you used words that didn't flow as well as they could have with a smaller word. So, just because the vocabulary is better, doesn't mean you should use the word. I encourage you to use good vocabulary, don't get me wrong, butI don't encourage it if ti messes up the flow.
Description
Your description was stupendous! seriously, I liked it a lot. The castle description was wonderful until the howl, and everything else was really good. KUDOS!!!
Overall
The plot was good, and it turned a different way than expected (part of me was expecting something like beauty and the beast). You just need to work on the tenses and all that jazz.Please don't take any of my critism to heart. Seriously, this has some major potential and I liked the plot and your characters. There was even some really good originality points in here. So please, don't take anything offensive, you said rip it to shreds....
Don't give up!!!
Happy editing!
MidnightVampire
P.S. If you have any questions or comments about the critique, (or anything else), feel free to PM me.

Hello, Saphire!

Here as requested! Sorry about the long wait .

Three pages and four words?:D That's fine, ha. I was more referring to people who come to my thread with twelve page stories, expecting a line-by-line critique. Trust me, you're fine. You followed my rules perfectly. *hands cookie*

Onto the review!

Melody threw herself down amidst the moving grass, staring up at the grey sky with worry in her blue eyes.

Okay... she knows it's going to rain (I can tell that because she's worried), so she lies down in a field? That really makes no sense to me.
Wouldn't she simply look up at the sky to observe the clouds, or, knowing it will rain, warn her sister and begin running for cover. Instead she chooses to lie out in a field where she could get rained on.

The storm that was coming was supposed to be the worst one they’ve had in a while

"They've" had in awhile? First of all, it should be 'they'd'. 'They've' -- they have -- is in the present tense. 'They'd' -- they had -- is in the past tense. The rest of your story is in the past tense.

I wouldn't use the the word "they've" at all though. It is very vague. "Who is they?" the reader wonders. The girls? The whole kingdom? The world?

Time slowly crept by and she had just drifted off into a slumber

Whoa... so how long was she lying there? It just seems odd that Melody would randomly lie in a field and sleep and her sister just goes off alone.

Mom and Dad are probably worried enough as it is.

What time period is this in? You mention things like castles and witchcraft. The girls' names are also old fashioned. Mom and Dad are fairly modern terms for parents. If you want this to be a medieval kind of fantasy, I would call the parents "mother and father."

Sorry, I have to leave.

This review will be posted in two parts.

Hope this helped (so far),
Sakura

So here I finally am... I apologise about the long wait. I've been really busy. Once again, I am very sorry!

My critique is in bold.

Poofles also seemed to have been frightened by the noise and, instead of jumping into Serenity’s arms, ran away from the girls and towards an old decrepit castle that used to rule over their town of Brooks. He yelped along the way, the grass parting before him in an effort to escape being trampled on. This makes it sound as though the grace is parting itself. I think you mean to personify the grass, but this is just weird...

“Poofles!” Serenity shouted in shock, frozen as she stared after the fleeing dog.My first reaction wouldn't be to stop and stare at the dog. It isn't that unbelieveable that it ran away. Then, she began chasing after him, slipping in the mud that had suddenly appeared as she ran. This makes it sound as if the mud magically appeared.

Melody shook her head as she watched, slightly embarrassed by the sight and glad that no one was around to witness it. Why is she embarassed? She isn't the one who fell...Then, noticing the direction the two were traveling, she gasped in shock and started running after them. For the castle that was evidently their destination was rumored to be haunted and deadly. Apparently those that went in rarely ever came back out.

Melody called on the rocks below the surface as she ran, preparing herself for any monsters that may have been lurking around the vicinity of the castle in wait for some tasty prey. Her powers over rocks and jewels had been useful in times when she’d been on little adventures like this. Whoa, this was really random. Ease in her magical powers. What adventures? "Calling on rocks"? The reader has no idea what the means.

Catching up to her sister at the entrance of the castle, Melody quickly let her powers slip as she stared in fear at the building. The towers seemed to loom above her and a flash of lightning added a strange and dreadful look to them. Vines and moss grew in between the cracks of the castle's stonewalls, while destroyed cannons and longbows littered the grounds. Both drew closer to each other unconsciously, their fear growing as a howl came from within the building.

The large double-doors in front of the two were slightly cracked open, the evident place of Poofles entrance. Though her love for the dog was great, Serenity stared at the doors with horror. Melody watched her sister closely, and even though she had a great fear of the castle herself, knew it was better to go inside than wait in the rain for the dog to make its way back. Going against all that she knew was right, she led the other inside the building.

The inside of the building had barely any light, the clouds and rain outside obscuring any rays that could have made their way inside from the sun. The wind from the outside ran through the building, creating all sorts of noises that played with the girls’ minds. A creak from somewhere in the castle led to Serenity grabbing her sister’s hand for comfort.

“Serenity, do you think you can use any of your powers of witchcraftThis seems obviously thrown in for the readers benefit. Melody should be used to her sisters' witchcraft. She would simply say, "Can you use your powers?" , at least I think. to help out in here?” Melody asked her sister, guessing that the answer was probably ‘no’. Guessing right, Melody reached into her pocket and grabbed out an amethyst that she always kept with her. Whispering a few words, the jewel began to glow, giving the girls an adequate light to repel the darkness of the castle.

“We shouldn’t have come here…” Serenity muttered, close to tears as she looked around. The rumors of the place were screaming in her head. “We’re probably going to die.”

“We are not going to die. Perhaps we’ll be a little creeped outCreeped out is a pretty modern term. when we leave, but there won’t be any dying today. We’ve been on many adventures and we’ll just add this to the list.” Melody spoke with the courage of experience, remembering the times when they had fought monsters, saved the world from blowing up, and stopped an insane ruler from marrying their mother. Going into a haunted castle didn’t seem so bad after

A lot of your dialogue at the end was a liiiiiitttttle corny. "Be brave! Have faith!"

When you write, think, would anyone really say this?

Hope this helped,
Sakura