Young Writers Society

This piece is so short I don't think I will make it a chapter, I will probably just add it to the end of Chapter Two. Thank you for reading, any and all feedback is welcomed!



Veronica was distracted the whole day, her mind completely consumed with fantasies of her and Keith. She knew it was foolish to think she stood a chance with him, but he was new. He didn’t know the political structure of South East and perhaps he found scrawny brunettes attractive. At the end of the day, Veronica returned to her locker to retrieve her American Government textbook.
When she opened the locker, a scrap of paper fluttered to the ground. Veronica’s heart leapt into her throat. It was a note. Her fingers shook as she picked it up off the ground. Maybe it was from Keith, professing his undying devotion to her and her blackheads. She was sorely disappointed when she saw her sister’s neat handwriting.
I have yearbook today. Guess you’ll have to walk. Tata! ~ Tori ~
Frustrated, Veronica slammed her locker shut completely forgetting about her textbook. Glaring at the bleary gray sky outside, she reopened her locker and retrieved one of her hoodies. She pulled it over her head, causing her hair to frizz out from the static. Feeling extremely pitiful for herself, Veronica ventured out into the frigid cold, her breath causing short bursts of fog. Bracing herself against the November air, Veronica began the trek to her house.
She was thinking about making a heaping plate of macaroni and cheese when she got home. In her head, Veronica imagined a bubbling pot of white cheddar and pepper jack cheese. She closed her eyes, envisioning crumbling smoky bacon on top along with some fresh parsley. A horn suddenly blared and Veronica jumped, startled by the noise. She felt a blush creep up her neck as she realized the person who had honked at her was Keith Seidel.
He pulled up alongside her in an old Mustang, the engine rumbling like a hungry cat. Veronica felt absurd standing on the sidewalk as he reached over and manually rolled down the window. “You need a ride?” he asked over the engine’s growl.
Veronica couldn’t help but smile. “I’d love a ride.” She clambered into the car, inhaling the scent of leather and cologne. “Thank you, it is so cold outside.”
“Hey, no problem.” Keith maneuvered back into traffic.
“So, how did you like your first day at South East?” Veronica asked after several awkward moments of silence.
“Yeah, its cool. Much better than my old school.” Keith smiled at her and Veronica thought she was going to melt right onto his floorboard.
“Where did you go before?” Veronica forced herself not to stare and instead focused her attention on her chipped fingernail polish. It was a light pink and the bottle insisted the color was called Aphrodite’s Pink Nightie.
“South East Charter.” He glanced at her to gauge her reaction.
“Take a left up here.” She pointed at the upcoming stop sign. “You went to the prep school?”
He laughed, a brief barking sound and Veronica decided she liked it. “Hard to believe, huh? This school is way better. None of those preppy uniforms. Can you imagine me in a tie? It was horrendous. Plus, all the girls there were stuck up. Not like the girls here.” He smiled at Veronica appreciatively and she fidgeted with the hem of her graphic t-shirt.
“Turn right at the next street.” Veronica wished she lived farther away so she could spend more time with him.
“Everyone was so friendly. I’ve already gotten invited to a party.”
“This is me, the gray house with the blue truck.” Veronica was gathering her books into her lap as he pulled up in front of her house.
“You should come with me.”
“What?” Veronica brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. Was he serious?
“You should come with me to the party. I mean, that is if you don’t already have plans for Saturday.” He suddenly seemed nervous and the raw vunerability made Veronica like him even more.
“Ugh,” she slapped the dashboard, “I just got grounded. Bad grades. My parent’s are kind of strict. Otherwise, I totally would.” She smiled apologetically.
“Yeah, well, it was nice talking to you.”
“Yeah, thanks for the ride.” Veronica fumbled for the door handle and halfway tumbled out of the car. “See you later.”
He waved before flipping a U-turn and going back the way he came. Veronica stood in the driveway, her books clasped against her thundering heart until the cold forced her inside.

This was really good! I want to know what happened so PM me if you add more. I'm not in the mood to really review it now but please continue and keep up the good work.

(There are a couple of typos in this one, eg misplaced apostrophes. Make sure you read it again and watch out for those!)

KEITH KEITH KEITH! I love this guy. He sounds so cute. Plus I totally know what he's talking about, about prep school. I hate prep school.

Anyway.

I like this part. The only thing I can find wrong with it is that I would have liked for Keith to have assumed that she was going to the party. You know? Because, as Veronica said, he doesn't know the political structure of the HS yet, and so he would have naturally assumed that she was already invited. At least, in my experience in high school, he would. But maybe I'm just projecting here. But I think it would have been cute if he had been like, "You know, Lucy's party, that girl from our English class, you're going right?" And then she's not invited, and she'd be like, "Uh, I'm grounded." in order to avoid saying that she wasn't invited...or whatever.

Gosh, sorry, that was total suggestion...anyway, good job!

Moriah! Miss me? xD


Since this is very short, this will most likely be comprised of just annoying grammar suggestions.

Maybe it was from Keith, professing his undying devotion to her and her blackheads.

This made me laugh out loud! xD

She clambered into the car, inhaling the scent of leather and cologne.

Great description. I like your description of the car so far; I also think it's somewhat ironic because I pictured he'd be in a fancy sports car. Haha! This was a nice touch. It makes him more human, and the situation less 'perfect/cliche'.

It was a light pink and the bottle insisted the color was called Aphrodite’s Pink Nightie.

Another nice bit of description. Although, I think there should be quotations around the name of the nail polish.

He smiled at Veronica appreciatively and she fidgeted with the hem of her graphic t-shirt.

Heh-heh. Graphic tees! Awesome. ^^

“Everyone was so friendly. I’ve already [s]gotten[/s] been invited to a party.”

Grammar Nazi Alert!

He suddenly seemed nervous and the raw [s]vunerability[/s] vulnerability made Veronica like him even more.

I'm sorry! Just make sure to run your posts through the spell check before submitting. That way, grammar freaks like me won't wig out over nothing. xD

My parent’s are kind of strict.

It should just be "parents".


Another nice job, Moriah! This was a short scene, but very cute all the same. I love fluff. ^^ Although this was extremely over-the-top cliche, I still enjoyed reading it. Especially the bit about Keith's car... that just made me laugh!
However, I will be honest and say that even though this is cliche (which is OK), it still seems a little bit unrealistic. I mean, really. How many guys transfer schools then ask a girl out on the first day?
Alright, so maybe that's happened before. But! It's still a bit uncommon, don't you think?

One more thing I need to add: Keith seems like a pretty straight-forward guy. Most guys don't just ask a girl out like that. (lol, Not that I would know from experience, but I have a lot of guy friends!) Maybe you could tone down his obvious attraction a bit? I don't know. That's really just my opinion.

Other than all that, I don't have much else to say about this. I'm off to read the rest!


~anti-pop

hi, i'm getting there! I'll be done soon!

He didn’t know the political structure of South East and perhaps he found scrawny brunettes attractive. At the end of the day, Veronica returned to her locker to retrieve her American Government textbook.
The change is too fast. You should make the bold a new paragraph, or just add a couple of sentences in for a subtle transition... such as:
________
He didn’t know the political structure of South East and perhaps he found scrawny brunettes attractive.She was still thinking of him when she waltzed through the hallways to her locker. At the end of the day, Veronica returned to her locker to retrieve her American Government textbook.
________

Do you really close your eyes when you walk along the side of the road? I wouldn't think so, but maybe the car can pull in beside her, and she can just be shocked.

He pulled up alongside her in an old Mustang, the engine rumbling like a hungry cat.
Hungry cats don't rumble, or even grumble. they meow like there's no friggin' tomorrow, and they don't let you hink unill you have given them food! (Just thought I would point that out :>)

“Thank you, it is so cold outside.”
Poeple speak in abbreiations, when you hear someone talk like this, it just makes teh reader feel wierd. Well, it does for me, anyway.

“Yeah, its cool. Much better than my old school.” Keith smiled at her and Veronica thought she was going to melt right onto his floorboard.

Cars don't have floorboards!

>>Well, short section, short review!
Overall, I liked it! When you have them in the car together, you could fill it in saying that she loved the warm air teh teh car's AC spat out, and her thinking that her want's to knoow where she lives, or something like that. You could make this a chapter if you bulked it up with discritions. Anyway, it addad alot to the story, so Good work!

>>PS, you mentioned that you wouldn't mind reviewing my work. I just re-writ the prolgue for my book and I wouldn't mind you checking that out! You can get to it here. Thank you

Le Rawr. I be here to review, yupyup.

Veronica was distracted the whole day, her mind completely consumed with fantasies of her and Keith.

Hrmmm. I'm not keen on this line, it has a lot of scope that you have just skimmed over. It's a case of telling, rather then showing. While you cannot show everything, the story would be drawn out otherwise, you could expand just a little here.

Veronica's classes were a blur, each one consisted of her sitting with her head on her desk, ignoring the classroom around her. Her thoughts would constantly stray back to Keith, and quickly turned into idealistic fantasies.

See what I'm (attempting) to achieve here? Rather then stating she was distracted, I show the distraction.

Feeling extremely pitiful for herself, Veronica ventured out into the frigid cold, her breath causing short bursts of fog.

Feeling extremely pitiful for herself is an odd phrase. I'm not entirely sure how it works, and is not really a very effective description of her emotion. Perhaps show it another way?

Attempting to break free of self-pity and failing, Veronica ventured....

maybe?

The car scene is rather flat at the moment. I think you should explore how Veronica was feeling- obviously she would be nervous and excited, maybe even flustered. What thoughts were going through her head? Currently this whole section is running on dialogue, where it has the potential to have a lot of tension, excitement and awkwardness.

Overall, another solid little addition to the story. It is technically sound, All I can really suggest is you work on the depth of the main character. Give us some information on her background, let us inside her head and show us a world from her eyes. Remember to include all five senses- show us an image, a taste, a smell, a feeling and a sound and put us right in the scene. This is what makes books infinitely better then movies.

Another thing I would say is to not let it rush into things- you want romance to build slowly. Fill in the rest of the story, with the attraction to keith slowly building for the best results when they finally get together (or don't) as this will make your climax more effective.

I shall keep reading tomorrow as it is one in the morning, but this story is showing some promise. Well done! ^_^

-Nutty

Hi again I've only got a few nitpicks here!-

She knew it was foolish to think she stood a chance with him, but he was new. He didn’t know the political structure of South East and perhaps he found scrawny brunettes attractive.

I'd maybe change the full stop before he to a dash.

Frustrated, Veronica slammed her locker shut completely forgetting about her textbook. Glaring at the bleary gray sky outside, she reopened her locker and retrieved one of her hoodies.

This confused me- where is she seeing the sky? Is it through the door or window? I think you need to add more detail on where she is looking.

She pulled it over her head, causing her hair to frizz out from the static. Feeling extremely pitiful for herself, Veronica ventured out into the frigid cold, her breath causing short bursts of fog.

You use causing twice here- I'd maybe change one of them. For instance 'causing her hair to frizz out from the static' could be just 'her hair frizzing out from the static.'

Keith smiled at her and Veronica thought she was going to melt right onto his floorboard.

I don't know if the bottom of the car is called floorboards- I can't think what it is called though you could change the description a bit but of course if it doesn't annoy you then don't worry

It was a light pink and the bottle insisted the color was called Aphrodite’s Pink Nightie.

It wouldn't be that the bottle would insist it was called that, but that it was that color. I'd maybe get rid of color and put 'Aphrodite's Pink Nightie' in quotation marks.

Overall: I like how you have developed Keith's character more and have the MC getting to know him, I think you have written this really well too- I could find barely any nitpicks!

At the beginning of this piece you skip to the end of the day quite quickly, instead of just saying 'at the end of the day' I'd maybe add the bell ringing and her snapping her out of her daydreams- tat sort of thing. I think it might be good to add more information as to what happened that day too, perhaps mentioning how her friends tried to talk to her and then when she didn't listen just sighed. You could add a lot more in to set the scene then just skipping ahead.

When you say she was walking down the street thinking about macaroni cheese I can totally sympathise- I always day dream of food when I'm hungry and on my way home! I think you could start the whole thinking part off a bit better though- Perhaps mentioning before hand about feeling bored and her stomach rumbling so her thoughts turn to food. You could introduce the daydream more and maybe add some of her thoughts in on it about how she thinks to herself, for instance her mouth watering at the thought or her stomach grumbling in agreement.

In the car scene I think you need to add a lot more thoughts and feelings. Before she was really shy with him- could you write more about this now? Perhaps she could stutter and get all tongue tied. Apart from the blushing she seems pretty cool in this situation and from what I have heard of her character so far this doesn't fit- when he first invites her into his car as well surely she would feel something? Like her stomach flipping. When he mentions about the party she's not at all responsive, not even replying to him. If she really liked the guy I would think she would be acting more nervous and trying to say all the right things. Surely she would feel disappointed as well when she remembers she can't come.

I don't get a lot of Keith's response here- I think you should add more feeling in like with Veronica. When she says no, how does he look? How does he sound when he says it was nice talking to her?

So all in all more description as to their thoughts and feelings!! Other than that I think you have written this well and I love how the story is going, I think you have ended nicely too;)

Hope I've helped!