The Fairy's Gift (Edit I)

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CIA= Contest Improvment Agency. Actual contest found here

*Edit* Okay, I have edited this, but I still think it needs help. I'll keep working on it.

~

Jessica stirred when sunlight filtered through her curtains and landed on her closed eyes. She yawned and got up, her head still spinning from her dream. She hadn’t dreamed like that in ages. Not with actual characters and voices, usually her dreams were just jumbles.

She was still puzzling over it as she went to get the mail. When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again. She gripped the doorframe for support. Who had done this? Why was it there?

Getting over her shock, she took the money inside before anybody saw it was there. The bag must have been left recently, or else somebody on the street would have seen it and taken it.

Jessica rushed the bag up to her room and left it by her bed so it would be away from windows and prying eyes. Until she figured out what to do with the money, she didn’t want anybody to know it was there.

She looked through the bag with trembling hands, trying to put the ends together. There had to be at least ten thousand dollars in there. All of the bills she could see were hundred dollar ones. Jessica tapped her head, trying to get her brain to work. Where had she seen such wealth before?

Her dream.

It was still fresh in her mind, just as fresh as any memory. But maybe it hadn’t been a dream. Maybe, it had actually happened.

Jessica remembered walking home late, grumbling about her college prof and the work he assigned, and the dean that insisted she take Fine Art even though the class wasn’t part of her major. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for how darn far the building was: an hour by bus, and it always stopped three blocks away from home unless she ducked through the woods, like she was doing now. Her backpack was loaded with homework assignments; Jessica knew she could kiss fun goodbye this weekend. Homework came first, and this load was enough to claim second and third place as well.

Walking down a small trail that would shave a few more minutes off her walk, Jessica paused when she heard music coming from the woods just beyond the trail. Curious, she ducked through the underbrush to see—people. The woods were usually abandoned at dusk, people fearing the night. But these people had lanterns to light the clearing with a soft yellow glow. They were dancing through the clearing—each doing their own thing yet coordinated with the others. Some had flutes, triangles and drums. They too danced in and out with the rest, while still able to keep perfect time. The woman wore long skirts and the men formal jackets. Jessica mostly saw a blur of pinks, teals and blues as the people wove around each other, laughing and singing. Their voices were like wind-chimes, their faces wrinkled with smiles.

She watched, soon becoming entranced with the music. Jessica stepped out of her hiding place then, surprising some of the people. They quickly got over their shyness though, and soon were inviting her to dance. The glow of the lanterns soon overpowered all light from the sun or moon. She couldn’t remember how long she had spent with them. Maybe it was a few hours, maybe a few days. All Jessica could keep track of was the beat of the music that spurred her to laugh and dance. Sometimes she found herself singing, her voice rough as always. The people hadn’t minded though. They had simply joined in.

After some time one of the older people, a man with a long white beard, give her something. A drink. He’d given her a drink. Jessica took it, and as soon as a few drops touched her throat things became a blur. She’d passed out in the woods, and when she’d woken up again, she was in her own bed.

Just as Jessica came out of the bathroom, still debating what to do with the money and wrestling with her dream, the phone rang. She grabbed it, ignoring the flash of new messages, and answered.

“Hello?”

“Jess? It’s me, Steve. Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you all week!”

Her eyebrows shot up. She faked a cough. “Um, I was, sick. Really sick.” Jessica faked a cough again. “Just been able to answer the phone now.”

“Oh, sorry,” Steve said apologetically. “Get better soon, then. I’ve got the notes from the classes you missed, if you want them.”

She smiled. “I’d love them! Thanks!”

They said goodbye and hung up. Feeling slightly more awake Jessica checked the number of messages. Seventeen. It looked like she would be explaining herself to a lot of people. She sighed. How could she explain something without sounding like a nut?

At the thought of explaining things, Jessica’s mind wandered back to the money. How would anybody believe that she had just found this much money on her front step? Nobody in the block was that rich. Most people here, herself included, were just trying to find a place to live that was near the rez. They’d probably think she’d stolen it. That was the only explanation they would be able to find believable.

Jessica went back to the bag, wanting to see just how many bills she was dealing with.

Only leaves were inside.

Her jaw dropped. Jessica was sure there had been money inside before going into the bathroom. She reached in just to make sure the leaves went right down to the bottom of the bag. Not feeling any crisp edges of hundred dollar bills, she pulled her hand out.

Jessica grumbled about what dreams could do to her head as she took the bag of leaves and scattered them outside. She put the now empty bag beside her door, wondering if she had taken anything that might cause her to be seeing things. She could only remember taking Aspirin, and that certainly didn’t cause hallucinations.

Just as Jessica was about to turn away, something caught her eye. She looked inside the bag again and saw a gold coin at the very bottom. She picked it up, just to make sure it was real, and looked at it in the morning light.

Remember…

She heard the word somewhere between her ears and her brain, no louder then a whisper.

A smile spread across her face. She only knew of one group that could change money into leaves. Jessica laughed, realizing who the people in the woods had been.

Fairies.

She chuckled and slipped the coin into her jeans pocket. Maybe they had just given her that to play a joke, maybe just to prove it had really happened.

Jessica went outside and stretched her arms, feeling the wind pick up. Her smile broadened. The joy of the time spent with them came back, the feeling of release while dancing, her headache melting away after only a few minutes of having fun. Sheer ecstasy welled up inside of her, and she twirled in the wind, letting her hair blow in front of her eyes and her feet get damp from dew. Jessica laughed, knowing that was the reason she had seen them. Now, she realized, she needed to have fun. Or else, nothing would work.

The wind began to die down and she stopped twirling. “I will remember,” she whispered to the breeze. “I promise.”
Last edited by Rosendorn on Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Hey Rose. Um, do you usually write in 1st person? Because I saw some places where you switched from 3rd to 1st. For example:

She couldn’t remember how long I had spent with them.

I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be: how long she had spent with them.

I only knew of one group that could change money into leaves.

Again the I is probably supposed to be a she or Jessica's name.

Also it might help the reader if you italicize the dream, so they know what Jessica is doing in the story and what she dreamed. Hope that helps. PM me if you have any questions or when you write more.
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Hey, Rosey :)

I know that it is a short story and it is supposed to be fast paced and that you wrote it in two days but it still feels a little bit rushed to me. I think she discovered the money a bit too quickly, perhaps she could be mulling over the dream for a little bit before she finds the money. Also it's like one event after another pretty quickly. Perhaps it is because I like long drawn out complicated narratives lol

I also think you should spend more time on the part where she meets the fairies, describe them a bit more without revealing who they are of course and describe her time with them.

I think you need to add in more of Jessica's thoughts, more about how she feels about the money. How she felt when she met the fairies, how she feels when she realises she has been gone for a week. I just didn't get much of a sense of her or what was going on in her head.

Other than that there is much more to say :P I quite enjoyed it and the use of fairies, I like fairies. As you know by all the fairy books I buy lol

Let me know when you edit and PM if you have any questions :)

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Hi, Rosey! :D

This was extremely original, first off. I'm surprised! You definitely took the prompt in a totally different direction than I would have originally thought. Way to go! ;)

However, praise is in the end comments. For now, we will fix what needs to be fixed!


Fix-Its

Jessica stirred when sunlight filtered through [s]my[/s] her curtains and landed on her closed eyes.

Correction in bold.

Not with actually characters and voices, usually her dreams were just jumbles.

"Actually" should be "actual". I'm also pretty sure the coma should be a semi-colon.

When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step.

I think you should expand on this part a lot more. I'd say...donate at least a paragraph to this scene. Show us her surprised/shocked reaction. I know I'd probably pass out! :D

Who had done this? Why was it there?

These should be Jessica's own thoughts:
'Who did this? What's going on?' Or something to that extent.

Quickly, she took the money inside before anybody saw it was there.

Correction in bold.

There had to be at least ten thousand dollars in there.

OK, this is a major nit-pick. I added "at least" in there, simply because it sounds more like a guess. It would be odd that she knew just by looking at the bag that there's $10k in there.

Who would give her such a thing?

Again, I think this should be the MC's personal thoughts.
'Who in the world would just give this to me?'

Her dream was so fresh.

Here, you switch ideas too quickly. Ease into her thoughts about her dream. Remember, she just found ten thousand dollars...why would she be thinking about her dream at a time like this? Maybe she was suddenly reminded of something that happened in her vivid dream?

Homework came first, and this load was enough to claim second and third place as well.

I love this! xD

After some time one of the older people give her something. A drink. He’d given her a drink.

I like the repetition and choppiness here. It makes the scene seem blurred and a bit confusing, which is good, because that's how Jessica felt.

Jessica went outside and stretched [s]my[/s] her arms, feeling the wind pick up.

Correction in bold.

The joy of the time spent with them came back, the feeling of release while dancing, her headache melting away after only a few minutes of having fun.

I'm no grammar nut so I can't tell you exactly how to fix this last sentence. However, I'm pretty sure it needs to be fixed. Or at least separated.

Now, she realized, [s]you[/s] she needed to have fun. Or else, nothing would work.

This should probably be rewritten as a thought. It's fine this way too.

The wind began to die down and she stopped twirling. “I will remember,” she whispered to the breeze. “I promise.”

New line break after "I will remember".


Grammar/Vocabulary

Grammar was a little off. I remember you telling me you began in first-person, then you decided to switch to third, so I will condone you for those small errors. I will also use this space to add my opinion on a few instances where I pointed out Jessica's thoughts. Normally, I wouldn't convert questions like those into thoughts. However, when the questions are more personal, they sound more natural when coming from the MC rather than the narrator.
I'm very pleased with your vocabulary. It wasn't too showy, and it wasn't too simple. Just right! That's all I have to say about that. :)


Description

I know this is a short piece, but you've got to donate more space to description. This story is over as soon as it begins, and that's dissapointing. It's a great story, and you need to expand on this awesome idea. Here's a few starters:
1. Describe the emotions of Jessica when she found the bag of money. What were her thoughts exactly?
2. Show us more of the fairy gathering in the woods! It must have been wonderfully enchanting for Jessica to have such happy memories of it the next day.
3. Describe Jessica's emotions when the money turned to leaves? How exactly did she come to the conclusion it was the fairies? Was she at least a little dissapointed at the loss of money?
Try giving at least a paragraph worth of description and detail for those three subjects.


Characterization

Great! (haha.) Really, I do love the character of Jessica. I only wish this was longer! What I really like about her is the fact that you made her so real. Conversation and dialogue always shows a lot about a character. The phone call between Steve and Jessica was really amusing; I pretend to be sick all the time when on the phone. Her actions made me feel like I understood her more. I really do like her character...I hope you continue with this story!
Also, I'd like to mention how you characterized the fairies. At first, they seem like cute little happy-go-lucky fairies in the woods, but we find out at the end they're really little tricksters! That was a great twist. I think I like these fairies very much. :D


Originality

Fantastic! As I said before, this was completely different than what I had originally imagined. I actually laughed out loud when the money turned to leaves! I would've never come up with that. You and fantasy go together like peanutbutter and jelly.
I think what made this story even more 'fantastical' was the sharp contrast between the playful fairies in the woods and the normal, down-to-earth teenager. I really loved it!


Overall Impression

Let me say this first: I really do love this story. Or, this 'idea', rather. (You've really got to try and expand on this great plot.) Seriously, Rosey. I want more of this! And to be brutally honest: you're probably going to have a harder time winning this contest with this story. I only say that because it's so short! Really. Just expand on your ideas more and it's in the bag. I hope you give us an updated version soon! (Or not, totally up to you. ^^)
*Gold Star*


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Okay, I've fixed the first-person stuff that you pointed out.

As for the rest, I'll update this soon. Another day or two maybe? Not long.

And, this is a short story. It's supposed to leave something to the imagination. :wink:
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Wow Rosey this is really good...I couldn't find any nitpicks that anti-pop hadn't fixed...This story isn't what I expected when I read the prompt, but it is really good! I love the end of the story...Personally, I don't think you should slow the pace of the story anymore. I liked the way everything moved and the way that you were left guessing...Yet I have to agree that you should add a lot more descriptions of the MC. I would prefer if you described her and let us know how she feels at any time in the story...I would also like it if you explained how she felt when she was among the fairies, and what she did...My favorite part was the part where she finds the coin saying remember and she realizes that they were the fairies...I love the way you describe her feelings at that point! Anyway, great job on this and I hope that you win this contest! Gold star for originality! PM me if you update this story or change anything in this! Good luck!
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Oh my Lord, I'm late reviewing this!

By two days!

Really, really, sorry Rosey. *offers cookies*

When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again.


Okay, someone left a huge sack o' cash on her doorstep and her only reaction is to have her head spin? I feel like she should be a lot more surprised. Does she squeal? Faint? Jump for joy? Grab money in fistfuls and run to the nearest mall (that's what I would do ^_^ )?

Who had done this? Why was it there?


Jessica should be thinking this, not you.

Jessica brought the bag up to her room and left it by her bed so it would be away from windows and prying eyes.


This is where I begin to wonder, "Where are the parents?" I know Jessica is a college student -- how can she afford her own house? Should she be in a dorm? An apartment?

I've read the rest of your story, so I know how the dream fits in, but at this point in the story ^^ it is slightly confusing for the reader.

Overall

Lovely story, Rosey! Sorry I couldn't find more to critique -- it seems I got here a little late. :oops:

The one problem you have is description. The problem being that you need a lot more of it.

I mostly would like more description when she meets the fairies. You refer to the fairies -- "One of the people," "An old person", but I have no idea what they look like.

You also need to get into Jessica's thoughts a bit more. When there is only one character in your story, you should add some internal dialogue. So I want us to see a little more what Jessica is thinking. Not only will it make the story more interesting, it will get us invested in the character.

Good luck in the contest!

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Good day, Rosey my love! Stella here! I said I'd do this, didn't I?

I. NITPICKS

When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step.


This is like building up to a story, building up, building up, and then you get to the face off and it says "He shot him and he died and then they all went to the saloon to drink cider." (Did they have cider in the Wild West?) C'mon, it's exciting! Make it so!

Her eyebrows shot up. She faked a cough. “Um, I was, sick. Really sick.” Jessica faked another cough. “Just been able to answer the phone now.”


Quick thinking.

Okay...

II. CHARACTERISATION

We get it, she's stressed. Mercy knows we're all stressed. But apart from that, who be she? A student, right. What else? Does she not have a worried mother who jumps into her mind when she realises she's been gone? Why is she so sort of la-di-da about the whole affair? Nonchalant, I think the word is... did she believe in fairy's before hand? Does she not wonder why they picked her?

On top of all these questions, what's she like?

Also, who be Steve? A filler, or more? Is he her boyfriend, or just a friend, or even just a random guy in her class who has her number (also possible.)

III. FLASHBACK

I don't know, this is more a thought to chew on rather than a suggestion... her dream/memory might be more effective if told in snippets. A line here, a line there... you could use italics, perhaps... as she's wandering round her house, she tries to recollect the dream, she sees herself cutting through the woods... she find the money and for the life of her doesn't know how she got there... perhaps Steve's voice reminds her that she had heard other voices, only not exactly... human? And then as she looks in the bag again, she sees what happened. I don't know. It's how I would've done it, but I guess it's just a matter of taste...

IV. OVERALL

I enjoyed it. Interesting take on the prompt.

Hope I helped!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Oh boy.

Okay, I have added more into this, but, heh, with these new reviews I realize it's not quite enough. The places I have added are the fairies and a little more on what her reaction is. The rest.... I'll get to it!

Thank you all!
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Roseyyyy!

Review number two!

Jessica stirred when sunlight filtered


Hmmm, now that I re-read this line, I think it would flow better as "Jessica stirred as..."

Jessica tapped her head, trying to get her brain to work.


Honestly, would you really physically tap your head to stimulate your brain? :D

and the men formal jackets.


I can't really imagine fairy men in stiff suit jackets. ^_^

Their voices were like wind-chimes, their faces wrinkled with smiles.


Lovely.

I’ve been trying to call you all week!”


She was knocked out for a week? How about, "I've been trying to call you all day!" That makes a lot more sense.

*applauds*

Sweet little story, Rosey. I am still wondering who Steve is, though. ^_^

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Wow, Rosey! I liked how you excellently tied in the elements of Celtic folklore and the day-to-day life of a college student. I thought it was a well done piece because of the way that you perfectly blended fantasy and reality. You also gave us a good message- that a little lightheartedness can take us a long way. I'm sorry I can't be nit-picky here because everyone already took care of that for me- I didn't catch any spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes anyway. This was beautifully done and totally original! It was a very enjoyable read. :)

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Hey there Rosey! You get my 350th review, and for this I get a purty, shiny blue star! Eek!

:D

She was still puzzling over it as she went to get the mail. When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again. She gripped the doorframe for support. Who had done this? Why was it there?


• Doorframe is two words, dear ;).

• Also! Too much info too soon, Rosey! How does she know that there's hundred dollar bills in there? Let us know that when she discovers it, dear. How does she know what's in there? Is the bag see-through? If it is, wouldn't you think that a passerby might see it and steal it? Why is she getting the mail first thing in the morning anyway?


Jessica remembered walking home late, grumbling about her college prof and the work he assigned, and the dean that insisted she take Fine Art even though the class wasn’t part of her major. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for how darn far the building was: an hour by bus, and it always stopped three blocks away from home unless she ducked through the woods, like she was doing now. Her backpack was loaded with homework assignments; Jessica knew she could kiss fun goodbye this weekend. Homework came first, and this load was enough to claim second and third place as well.


• Were you rushing, dear? :D Don't use informal abbreviations-- and if you do, use it after using the formal form. Spell out professor!

• Also! You see where you have "that". It should be "Who" followed by a comma.
Walking down a small trail that would shave a few more minutes off her walk, Jessica paused when she heard music coming from the woods just beyond the trail. Curious, she ducked through the underbrush to see—people.


• Roooseeyy, misplaced dash! It doesn't sound right, dear. Maybe it should be something like:

Curious, she ducked under the underbrush to see what was making the noise.

[/i]People.[/i]


After some time, one of the older people, a man with a long white beard, give her [s]something.[/s] A drink.[s]He’d given her a drink.[/s] Jessica took it, and as soon as a few drops touched her throat everything[s]s[/s] became a blur. She’d passed out in the woods, and when she’d woken up again, she was in her own bed.


• Give? tsk, should be gave in past tense, dear.



At the thought of explaining things, Jessica’s mind wandered back to the money. How would anybody believe that she had just found this much money on her front step? Nobody in the block was that rich. Most people here, herself included, were just trying to find a place to live that was near the rez. They’d probably think she’d stolen it. That was the only explanation they would be able to find believable.


• Rez? Is this an abbreviation, dear? It's kind of confusing, :D Don't use abbreviations in literature before giving us the whole word!

* * *


Now!

Pay attention to your tenses, dear. You're like... talking in past tense-- about something that happened before, but you keep switching to present, and that's kind of getting jumbly and confusing, dear.


So! This was great, rather original, and stuff, but her feelings just didn't seem realistic. I would be like... more overwhelmed if I got that much money, haha. Pretend like you just got that much, Rosey, and see how you react. ;)

Moving on, the transitional points were pretty rough in some spots. It was good, but you could easily confuse an audience, Rosey.

Overall, brilliant job. It was very original, and with a bit of polishing, you'd be great.

Good luck in that contest, dear!

June
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Hey Rosey, your story is great! I was just browsing through yws searching for something proper to review. Looks like I found it!^^ There are still a few things that are a bit strange.

She was still puzzling over it as she went to get the mail. When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again. She gripped the doorframe for support. Who had done this? Why was it there?


I would be a little bit more surprised if I had a sack full of hundred dollar notes stewing on my front doorstep!

She looked through the bag with trembling hands, trying to put the ends together. There had to be at least ten thousand dollars in there. All of the bills she could see were hundred dollar ones. Jessica tapped her head, trying to get her brain to work. Where had she seen such wealth before?

Her dream.


Here you say that she saw such wealth in her dream, but then you tell us the dream and, well, theres not really any wealth... or did I just misunderstand that?

I also kinda thought she was still living with her parents until Steve rang, so try to make her age clear more early on.

I liked the rest. The fairies exist like you invent them to be, although I would have made them a touch shyer.

Okay, one last thing: I liked your style, how you wrote it kind of upside down. And I like the end. We really all should remember a bittle more about the good things in life and stop moping.

I have a question: is this a short story or does it continue?

~sheepy




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Alright, to let you all know I am working on this. I just haven't edited all your wonderful comments in yet. ^_^

And, yes, this is just a short story. I don't plan on continuing it.

Thank you all!
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And here I am! ^_^

Alrighty, I was very confused, even when I reached the end. I mean, the conclusion answered some questions, but it brought back one big one: How did she know they were fairies?

You never actually described the people dancing. You only say they were enjoying themselves. I pictured it as a dream or an illusion, and it was just a happy group of people partying the night away. Not fairies. xD I think a bit of foreshadowing could help with this -- hint a fairy characteristic that separates them from humans: height, appearance, etc.

We started well. I'm content when I first read this, and then you mention the money on her doorstep. We seemed to have just skimmed over that fact, though. As if it's an everyday kind of deal, and we both know its not. xD I think seeing her expression before we even know its money would help the suspense a bit better.

Later, you mention college. Is there really a college when the building is an hour away? o_o That's terrible. XD

Besides the ending and the beginning, a big concern is that we never get into the MC's head. I mean, we don't have to, but we don't really know her? Take Steve's phone call for instance. The MC replies to Steve's complaint as if she knew what he was talking about. You give us the eyebrow action, but that's it. Does she really remain that calm? Give us more hints of that then beforehand. Like with the money. If she's always calm, and Steve's complaint doesn't sway her, then the money shouldn't, right?

Hopefully I've helped a little bit. I basically just pulled out what I thought were faults. Go ahead and contact me with any questions or concerns. I'd be happy to explain or elaborate on whatever I've said. xD

Keep writing!

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