Young Writers Society

She looks about her with intense, dark eyes. They miss nothing; not a frog sunning itself, not a salamander that slides under a rock. Her chocolate fur bristles.

She is a river otter; her name is Lutra.
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Her brother, Seeq, greets her with a lick between the ears.

She remembers, bittersweet, the first time they shared such a greeting. Mother had gone hunting. They waited hours; then suddenly, a loud thunderclap shattered the silence.

She jumped, and the little ones squirmed beside her.

Too many semi-colons, first off. But the main thing that caught my attention was how human-like these otters are, and that didn't seem like what you would want. These are animals, raw, instinct, survival. They shouldn't be so weepy and emotional, you know?

Now second, this little piece was all over the place. All telling, also. This was what it was like. This is what happened. This is how they did it. And so on. Make it a story, and be sure that everything happens in UNDERSTANDABLE order. Doesn't have to be from the beginning to the end, you can hop around a little, but we as readers need to be able to know where you're going.

That's all I can really say on this. There's no plot yet, only a tidbit of introduction. This would be riveting if there was a hint of threat or at least the beginnings of development. As it is, it is merely narrative.

Good luck with editing/writing,

KJ

I agree with KJ. There's too many "they this" and "they that". Show don't tell.

I liked the beginning though. Nice description though just an afterthought: how can your fur bristle yet be standing perfectly still? When I think of fur bristling, I still think of the whole body moving too not just the fur. But that's just me I think so I'll carry on.

This is also just my suggestion, but why give away what the thunderclap is? Why not keep your reader curious...and reveal it later of course.

Same verdict as KJ on that this doesn't really have a plot...so that's all I can say.

- JC