Young Writers Society

Sorry for the delay. Busy with the holidays. Here`s the review you asked for. My personal comments will be with italic, add and examples will be with bold.

Well from the first glare you seriously have a problem with the descriptions and the dialogue (referring to the character acts and environment creation).

1.

When you look into this man’s eyes it’s just like thunder. I say this because it is a known fact that sound always travels slower than light. I say his eyes are like thunder because you never really see them properly in real time; you see the pupils first and then his eyes sort of build themselves around them as if in slow motion. It’s like a constant delay, like an inconsistency in the way the colors are dubbed over his great chasm of vision.

The idea of the thunder is weird because is linked to the eyes. Thunder - sound , eyes - body, dynamic movement.

Let me give you a right example of how it should be :
When you look into this man`s eyes you feel lost like a thunder just boomed near you. The power, that malefic [ your word of choice ] glow that breaks through your sense and brings you in your knees. Why a thunder? Because when a thunder spills near your ears they start to hurt and that pain spreads to your brain and then to your body. Your body vibrates painfully as the sound settles and fades. That`s what you feel when you see his eyes - the pupils first and then the white bulb starts to build itself slowly, appearing in the void. A constant delay, like an inconsistency in the way the colors are dubbed over his great chasm of vision.


2.

In a way it’s just like thunder because you can see the spark of the storm but what makes lightning alive, what makes it frightening, is always the part that builds up after the spark is gone. The delayed rumble is what gets me every time.

Again, you continue with the idea of the thunder.

In a way that glow in his eyes is the lighting itself because you can see that spark of storm that lights up and then fades as the rest of the eyes builds - his gaze is the thunder that comes.

3. The dialogue - It lacks the character`s act : Example : "Hey! How are you?" He yelled, smiling as he ran.

Nothing more. That`s all I could find. Hope it helps. Luck!

-Akayl

Hey kissthewitch!
I'm so incredibly sorry for the delay. *sigh*

On to the review.


This was...different to say the least; but not in a bad way. I was truly at a loss for words after I finished reading this. I wasn't sure whether I should feel depressed or inspired.
Your description was amazing. It could've been a bit stronger in a few areas, but other than that, it was fantastic. I felt as if I was Vanderguard or the mysterious 'John Smith'.

I didn’t really think about how carelessly his home attendant, dressed in white from head to toe, pushed his head back with a stern index finger directly to the middle of the forehead. I didn’t give a second thought to how much it resembled the barrel of a gun, that one thick, coarse finger, and I certainly didn’t notice the spot of drool on his shirt.

I loved this.

The dialogue you used was especially convincing. It made the characters more real, just as good dialogue should.

Speaking of characters, let's take a look at the few you've got in here!
Vanderguard: To put it bluntly; I don't like this man. However, you gave him such human qualities it is hard to completely hate him. He's just an ordinary man who got caught up in a mistake- ultimately ruining his life.
Alice: I just feel so terribly sorry for her. It seems like she had been nothing but a loving wife and yet she was left completely in the dark. Poor woman. If your intention for the audience was to sympathize for her, you succeeded.
Rebecca: She seems almost as much a victim as Alice. She's intelligent, so readers don't automatically assume she's an idiot whore. In the scene where Vanderguard is dumping her, she sounds sincerely upset and we see that she really does feel remorse for being a part of Rutherp's affair. Again, she has such human qualities that you have to relate to her somehow.
John Smith: A-ha! ..And readers are led to assume this is the former psychology professor? Unless, of course, I'm completely off; in which case never mind.

However, I hate to leave you with this absolutely sparkling review, so I have to give you something to improve on.

That’s a horrible thing to think but it’s not the first time it’s been thought and I guess it gets better with age like a fine wine.

Run-ons are worse than nails on a chalkboard. Honestly.
That's a horrible thing to think, but it's not the first time it's been thought. I guess it's like a fine wine and gets better with age.

“That I’m a horny college guy with needs?” I’m going to wait for the laughter to subside. I’ll give them something to laugh about.

“That every time a man toys with his belt he’s thinking of toying, for lack of a better term, with another person. May I suggest that from now on you refrain from sitting behind Ms. Linden, because obviously her vast intellect has you quite absorbed, because I’m sure I can’t imagine what else in this room could distract you this much.” I winked at her.

Here, you go from present-tense to past. Writing in present-tense is difficult; even moreso to keep it up.
I would suggest writing all of the scenes from Vanderguard's point of view in present-tense, and keeping John Smith's in past-tense. Or the other way around. I would just pick one for each POV and stick with it.

“Is this it, then? This is how you’re leaving me? My marriage is practically broken. It’s entirely your fault. And you leave me, and act completely blameless, completely clueless!?”


“I…it’s just…I.”


“Rebecca you’re a fine girl. But I can’t lie to you or to myself. I love my wife. This thing between us…this…this fling…that’s all it was. A fling.”

Vanderguard takes a complete 180 in this argument. He goes from accusing Rebecca for his 'broken marriage', to assuring her she was just a 'fling'. Does he want her back or is he pushing her away? At least expand on the conflict a bit more. Show us that he changes his mind and has to break up with her, even though he doesn't want to.

Last, but not least: the first time I read through this, it was a tad confusing (hence the obvious reading through it more than once.) What I think you can do to make this less confusing for audiences is prepare them for the flash-backs.
Here's a few examples of what you could do:

I took off my headphones and the sound of The Beatles One CD drifted out of my ears. I rung the ear piece around my neck and listened to the pseudo-music, a steady stream of stronger beats. Pum pum in the sky with diamonds…pum pum pum pa pum pum pa pum…pum pum in the sky with diamonds…baaaa ba ba ba beeep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…

I say goodbye to her brain and her face and watch her swivel and swerve her curves out of the room. It’s like turning a corner in a Ferrari, it’s like zooooooooooom…vrrrrooooooom….SMACK.

What I'm saying is during the 'switching-over' sequences, you can italicize them, for instance, so readers are aware something significant is about to happen in the story.


..And the whole 'erasing' concept was a unique element. It made the story stand out even more. Gold star for amazing originality.
Hope you found this extremely late review helpful!


*anti-pop