Un-named

Hi,
So I've done some editing, and this is what I've come up with. I am still unsure about the end, I want a final statement like "My (blank) is waiting." Something like that. The thing is I still don't know what it is. If anyone can get anything out of this PM!


Few stars dot the pitch black sky.
It is spilled ink high above me,
That is taunting me for being there.

Gray, Silky sheets cast a ghost-like appearance over the moon.
Making the little light that is there hard to see.
Goosebumps now sneaking up my arms, to prove how scared I am.
I shiver, even in warm night, and run.

I need out.
I can’t be here anymore.
How scared I really am is too much.

I stop, frightened.
I can hear it.
Its there, smiling at me coyly,
Laughing at how much I fear it.
I can’t move anymore.
It grabs me.
A prickling sensation moves up my back,
Like an anxious spider in waiting.

What else does it want from me?

Everything ends.
I’ve been caught by it.
I have to go back.









Stars dot the sky
An endless sea of ink high above
Silky sheets cast a
Ghostly appearance over the moon
Midnight-blue in colour
Goosebumps forming on my arms
I shiver
And run
I need out
I can’t be here anymore
Swimming in my own fears mixed with sorrow
I stop
I can hear it
Its there
Smiling at me coyly
I can’t move
It grabs me
Prickling sensation moving up my back
What does it want?
Tears form in my eyes
I’ve been caught by it
I have to go back

Hi lakegirls! I haven't seen you in a while.

Hmmm, this poem was very interesting. I'm not sure about punctuation in poems, so I'll leave that to another reviewer. Now, onto your content.

In the beginning I was like: ok, just another description of nighttime.
It didn't really draw me in. But in the middle of your poem, I really started getting interested. Who is this person running from? Why is she so scared?

The ending didn't really wrap it up for me. I'm still a little confused on why this person is so scared and who or what she is running from.

Other than that, I liked the sense of mysteriousness you set with the poem. Your descriptions are nice, although the description of nightime was a bit overused.

Good luck and it's nice to see you again,
Nariel

I liked this. The first few lines were my favorite. However, the poem could be improved with a better use of structure.

1) It needs punctuation. At the moment, I'm a little confused as to where one thought ends and another begins. Inserting periods and commas as you would in prose adds clarity.

2) Stanzas would also be a good idea because they also clarify where one part ends and another begins. They would make this piece much easier to read.

3)

Prickling sensation moving up my back

The repetition of "ing" is a bit awkward. Perhaps "A prickling sensation moves up my back." That sounds better in my opinion.

4) What is it, exactly? I'm not sure, and it's really annoying. You don't have to name it, but perhaps drop a few more hints, an extra stanza perhaps, about it?

5)

It's there

Overall, you had some lovely description, but you could improve the structure and make the poem stronger. Keep writing!

Swimming in my own fears mixed with sorrow

Really? I mean, really? Please explain to me what that line means. It's one of those lines that's conjured out of awful teen poetry buzzwords (fears/sorrow) and a really simplistic choice of verb. Why must we always be swimming through our troubles? So basically, scrap this line.

But the rest of it wasn't bad.

I appreciated the early imagery, nothing better to draw your audience in by painting a compelling background. That said, I'd tweak a couple things here and there. The first and second lines didn't correspond to each other, and you can do better than "midnight-blue in color". What is the moon to you in this case?

Then the poem changes tone for the worse, with the rapid-fire, simplistic descriptions of emotions. I think it's possible to give a more vivid picture of the fear without making the poem ponderous and counter-productive to the rushed feeling of the moment. You have to go for this here. The short quick lines really don't help because they're too broad and too vague. If you want to instill emotion here, you've gotta give us something to fear. By using the generic, this becomes impossible. I'm not saying that you explain the moment, but what you need is some allusion to what the danger is (if there is danger) or what the appeal is (if there is appeal). See, that's the problem. The reader doesn't have any clue what to feel.

Tears form in my eyes

This also feels out of character. After the fast-paced, desperate thoughts, this line comes off as unusually meditative and unfit.

Throw in some of the description we saw briefly at the beginning. We need it here. After "Prickling sensation moving up my back", we need to know what the feeling is like.
- "Prickly sensation moving up my back" "like an anxious spider" Or something. Anything!

Choose a focus for this poem and stick to it. In other words; use the formula of the first couple lines, and repeat.

it's really good...the only thing i can find to comment on is that the flow is a little off but in a good way (as in it sounds right that way) so dont worry about that....but these kinds of poems are so hard to find names for because they have so much information and emotion in them that it's hard to find one topic or line or emotion to name it after. When i write poetry like this i name is something simple...like this one i would name something simple like just plain "run" because that's the main action (in my opinion) in the poem.

well dont know if i helped at all but the poem was really good. Nice work!

(i commented only on the first part because i wasnt sure if the second one was a whole nother poem or part of the same or what it was supposed to mean)

I like it and how you describe the whole feeling of like it feeling like a spider and stuff i thought that was interesting

I think the ending is fine i wish i could write like you =S

I liked the part where the suspense was just like dropped at the end when "it" grabbed her.

I like ( correction LOVE) poems that can do that and i hope you keep on writing and come up with more stuff like this. =D

Hi,
Thank you all so much for the comments. They all helped me out a lot. It's hard to find mistakes or silly stuff in your own writing. I usually ask my friend for help but she isn't very good with poetry. I need someone with a lot of experience to edit this for me. I am entering it into a contest for a boarding school. All of you have done a wonderful job in helping me out with this. Your sugesstions helped to make it better.

Love,
N

Wow, this poem really drew me in. It really makes me feel how scared the person speaking is. Ive nevver written a review before, so sorry if I cant do this right, but I do want to give advice for the ending. I think it would be helpful if you smehow let the ending clarify what the writer is scared of. To me, that would wrap it up nicely.

Hi,
I was thinking that too. I still don't know how to put what she's running from into words. Some of the poem is metophoric so I thought I might just leave it blank. I would, however, like to have something like a final statment at the the end. I was thinking something along the lines of "(Blank) is waiting." So if you have any ideas on what you think she's running from PM me!

Love,
N

Hello lakegirls!

I made a video critique for you... basically, I read your poem and comment. And I talked a little bit about what the thing could be too. So! Hopefully that will help. If you can't see the video, just PM me and I'll give you a proper critique.

Now... the video!

http://revver.com/video/1297761/affilia ... -un-named/

Happy editing!

Hi,
So this is the new and improved addition. I'm hoping that this will be good. Tell me what you think!

Love,
N

Ghostly silk sheets hang over the moon
Dimming the little light I have.
Goosebumps sneak up my arms.

I need out.
I can’t be here anymore.
How scared I really am is too much.

I stop, frightened.
I can hear it.
Its there, smiling,
Laughing at how much I fear it.
It creeps behind me, I can’t move.
It grabs me.
A prickling sensation moves up my back,
Like an anxious spider in waiting.

What else does it want from me?

I’ve been caught by it.
I have to go back.