Poets Academy Chapter 1

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 8
---This is the first story i ever wrote....(I usually write poetry)

Today is pretty outside, wiping the sweat off my face that keeps dripping every few seconds. While I'm laying in the grass field I would write poetry, my art, my life. I never really had anyone to talk to me about my feelings. Not even my parents were there, they were always busy trying to provide for the family. So I would just write about my emotions... the feelings of mine that touch me deeply.

As I write my poetry, I wonder if I was accepted to some weird academy I entered. I heard it has a bunch of poets that create wonderful and outrageous things that would drag you into their own world and make you think its real. Hearing all of that would make you think the person is exaggerating. I don't really believe it too but maybe there is magic behind what they say... maybe.

Thinking about it for hours writing poem after poem I realized I never checked the mail box. So silly of me always forgetting things that are important to me. I got off my butt grabbed everything I was using to write my poetry. I rush towards my house, feeling the wind blowing on my face while riding my bike at such a speedy pace. Which helped me build more excitement inside of me that made me feel like i was about to explode but yet I held it knowing there's a chance they won't accept me.

Once I reached my house, I tried to open the mail box but it stuck like usual, so I punched it till it would come out. I'm so violent when things don't really workout for me, I just get physical with it afterwards. Out of frustration the sense of relief I felt when it suddenly opened however it wasn't too soon that my excitement decreased just to see nothing in the mail box.

I get so easily excited at times I just don't think straight. It's very funny at times when I look back noticing how I would react. It never seems to change though I always react the same way. I guess that's just being me right? I opened the front door of my house quietly knowing that it's still morning and my noisy sister Arika probably would wake up even though shes snoring so loud.

Me and my sister have a lot of things in common even though we only share the same father but she lives with me and my mother. My father was never really around me so much... so I don't know anything about him. I used to ask my mother when she got off work but she would always try to avoid the questions "Your mother is tired and stressed out from work, please give your mom some rest damn it" sensing the frustrating every time I asked her. I felt as if I bothered her so I eventually stopped asking her questions about my father.

Sister ran down stairs in such a happy mood"Brother Jacky" she said. "I know I shouldn't call you that but i'm hungry make me some breakfast, and I'll tell you the good news". Since i had nothing to do I decided "Alright it better be really good this time because I'll be cooking up a storm". Knowing usually it's nothing that good because she exaggerates a lot but shes extremely happy compared when she exaggerated so it must be good this time.
Few minutes later after the breakfast was cooked and she ate her breakfast. She gave me a letter, my heart started to beat rapidly on my chest"Where did you find this letter" I asked her without any hesitation. Arika took a deep breathe before she started to talk "The mail man came earlier in the morning probably ten minutes after you left. He gave me two letters, and one was for you surprisingly". "Why are you so surprised?....You don't think I'm popular" I asked shouting at her while smiling. "No it's not that, it's just that it came from the same address, you never told me you tried to enter to the academy"she said as if i was suppose to tell her that I entered.

I almost forgot she writes poetry too but its pretty dark compared to mine. I always like to write about perseverance and a little love which involves harmony and peace. She writes pretty dark as if she has a lot of anger in her she just can't express anywhere else but in her book.

We decided to open each others envelopes. Few seconds of reading the tension building up again but in both of us. We looked at each other smiling and before you knew it we started jumping with joy to know that we were actually accepted t the Poet's Academy. Only ten thousand students get to enter this school and millions apply every year...we are so lucky.

"Brother, When I reach the academy don't bother me, I want to focus on my ranks" Arika said. "And i don't want you slacking off it makes me look bad since I'm related to you" bossy as usual my big loud sister giving me orders already and we haven't even started packing yet. "Oh please I won't need to bother you since I'm good at making friends" looking down thinking if it would be easy.
Last edited by AnonymousLight on Wed Oct 22, 2008 3:19 am, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 566
Ok first welcome to the YWS as I see you are a new member :)

Secondly we havea rule here that for every piece of yours that you post you need to have reviwed atleast two otehr pieces of work, so get out and review some more :)

Now for the story:

Today is prety outside

-Pretty

my art my life

-I think this should be spilt up by a comma.

. I got off my butt grabbed everything I was

-This sounds a little childish...

I rush towards my hous, feeling

-House

of me that made me eel like i was

-Feel

Ok, there were plently more silly spelling mistakes throughout this, I feel like you have rushed writing this and have not given it the care and attention that it deserves. It pulled my attention away from the story, which by the way, is a very interesting idea.

Go through this and read it out loud, notice the mistakes and see where punctuation is needed and not needed, it will help you greatly and you will be bale to progress with this easier.

And questions PM me

Meevs
Bag.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 8
Thanks for the feed back I realized that, it was really a typo (sorry for the mistakes)

And yes i will be writing more reviews.


Again i appreciate it(Now to correct my mistakes)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1999
Reviews 106
i find this a little difficult to critique.. I'm not sure why.. but it has good potential but im not sure about it.. It needs much more detail and it needs more meat in it.. Base the story with one idea and stick with it. But other then that, i think it is a pretty good idea for a story .. It just needs more to it.. Keep writing stories! don't just stick to poetry.. The more you work on something, the better at it you will become....... :D :D :D Keep it up!!




*Emily*
I came into this world wrinkled and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world wrinkled and ugly. So I enjoy life.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1740
Reviews 29
I like the use of description here. You have a lot of potential in this field. Just a little refinement is neede, and this could turn into a very well-crafted story.
Just a bit of nit-picking...

Seperate the dialogue between different characters. It's a big thing, and useful because you know who's speaking!

Spell check is your friend. Five words that are necessary to any writer.

More details=better. Much better. Little things like what the breakfast was, and mentioning the sister's name before having her say something make a world of difference in crafting a story.

All in all, it's good for your first try. My first try at a story sucked, too. Then again, that was also in second grade. Oh, well. It's all relative.
I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens may cross the road without having thier motives questioned.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
So! I haven't forgotten you! Because I'm lazy and don't want to write a critique, I videotaped my critique instead! So you'll be able to see my puffy, sleep-deprived eyes and such. (College is fun, lol.) So I sound a little cranky at times, but it's the midterms talking... really. :P

With that said, the videos! I commented mostly on the characters and plot, so hopefully you'll find it helpful as you continue your story. ^^

http://revver.com/video/1279847/affilia ... chapter-1/

http://revver.com/video/1279071/affilia ... chapter-1/

In the videos, I mentioned something about providing grammar links, so here I go!

Here's something I wrote up on dialogue grammar: http://snoink.com/kn/writing/mechanics/1.php

Also, when somebody says something new, they get their own paragraph.

So this:

Few minutes later after the breakfast was cooked and she ate her breakfast. She gave me a letter, my heart started to beat rapidly on my chest"Where did you find this letter" I asked her without any hesitation. Arika took a deep breathe before she started to talk "The mail man came earlier in the morning probably ten minutes after you left. He gave me two letters, and one was for you surprisingly".

...is closer to this:

Few minutes later after the breakfast was cooked and she ate her breakfast. She gave me a letter, my heart started to beat rapidly on my chest"Where did you find this letter" I asked her without any hesitation.

Arika took a deep breathe before she started to talk "The mail man came earlier in the morning probably ten minutes after you left. He gave me two letters, and one was for you surprisingly".

...which should actually is closer to this:

Few minutes later, after the breakfast was cooked and she ate her breakfast, she gave me a letter. My heart started to beat rapidly in my chest. "Where did you find this letter?" I asked her without any hesitation.

Arika took a deep breath before she started to talk. "The mail man came earlier in the morning, probably ten minutes after you left. He gave me two letters, and one was for you, surprisingly."

As you probably guessed, your grammar is very iffy. You need to work on your grammar, if you want to go into writing seriously, or even if you don't. Writing is essential from detailed lab statistics reports (which is what I'll be doing as a biochemical engineer! :D) or just being a writer. So read this:

The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White

It's the best grammar book in history and you can look in it free! Read it, memorize the rules. There are too many grammar mistakes for me to go over in this story, so you need to fix it yourself.

Okay! So if you can't see the videos or having trouble looking at them, give me a PM. They weren't working before, but I think I fixed the problem, so it should be fine. :) However, if you can't see them at all, I'll comment on the characters and setting and description here. So hope that helps and happy editing! :D
Last edited by Snoink on Fri Oct 31, 2008 7:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 8
I appreciate for the feedback and honesty lol

Snoink thanks for being honest and straight up .)
I may not be the best writer, But I will do my best!



No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne