Young Writers Society

Give some critt:

DUST AN’ PRODUCTS

An old store stood in a cold, narrow corner in the dark. The dimmed dark red stone of which the store and the buildings around it had been made was scraped and scratched, the windows were simple squares on both sides of the door. The name tag of the store was made out of barren wood and was hanging over the door from two thin ropes. The text on the name tag was unreadable from the distance where I was at the moment.
People never went into this store. I had observed that people passing by didn't even look at it, much less walk into it.
Why? I asked myself. Well I reckoned, it looks a bit hostile, but that is no reason to not use it.
I had decided to try it out. I couldn't just disregard something because others did, I hated being like others.
I left the sidewalk and walked to the corner of the small alley; I gazed up and read the name of the store: DUST AN’ PRODUCTS. Nice name I thought as I opened the door.

Unlike many other shop bells that chimed this one blinged.

BLING

Went the bell. It sounded quite pleasant. It was a clear and beautiful sound.

BLANG

It rang again. The echo went across the little shop.

BLING

This time it sounded a bit eerie; the sound was no longer as clear as with the first bling.

BLANG

A figure was coming from a separate room in the store; on the door there read “STAFF ONLY.”

BLING

OH MY DEAR LORD!

I believe I had figured out why people didn’t use the store very often. The owner looked hideous! He rather slumped to the desk, than actually walked. His whole essence was frightening. His droop was caused by a small hunch on his back. I regarded him with wide eyes. A slight chill ran up my back as a looked at his eyes… Those horrid red, red eyes.
He had a posture that automatically made you feel awkward and his bold head was thin enough to see his skull. The man had very fuzzy eye brows and he was very slim... So slim indeed that I could see his ribs sticking out, his pale face gave me the impression that this person was very sick.
“What d’ you want?” his voice was like nails to a blackboard.
“What food do you have?”
“Only rat meat,” he answered.
“R-Rat meat?” I had found out two reasons why no one ever came here.
“Got a problem with that?” he asked grinning in a madly.
“No! Not at all,” I cried out anxiety growing within me.
I looked around myself. On my left I saw a big black chair. Over the chair there was a golden sword.
“So you like swords?” Asked the shop keeper
“What?” I snapped out of something like a dream.
“Would you want the sword?” He asked again with a frightening grin.
Could this man read minds?
“No? I can’t,” said the man.
I was taken aback by this.
“Don't look like that. I can just read your face like a open book.” He said still wearing that frightening grin.
“How much is that sword,” I asked.
“Nothing. It is not for sale,” He answered.
Normally at this point I would have given up, but I was feeling some kind of pull towards the sword. Even I was a bit shocked when I said “I want that sword. How much is it. I have money.” I never acted this way.
“It is not for sale. Not for the likes of you…” The rest of his murmur I could not hear.
“What do you mean? With: ´Likes of you?” I asked almost in panic for reasons unknown.
“You have not seen it. Seen the thing that will open the sword to you.”
“What, what must I see?” I couldn't stop myself from shouting. The man didn't answer instead his smile re-appeared, mocking and ugly.
“Tell me!” I shouted in sudden anger.
“I must ask you to leave this shop,” he said still grinning.
“Not before I get that sword!” I shouted.
´LEAVE`
This sound. I wasn’t sure it even come from the man himself. It was almost like it came from everywhere. A chill ran up my back. I felt like I was watched from every angle.
“Please,” continued the man
“Um. Of course. Forgive me for my rudeness,” I said as I eventually wanted to leave.
“Goodbye,” I said as I ran out of the small store.

♦♦♦♦♦♦

I opened the door and stepped in. it had been four weeks when I had first seen Mike and now I had grown accustomed to him.
“Yo!” Rang the sound from the living room
“Hello Mike. What are you doing?” I asked.
Mikes head popped from the living room, he had his sunglasses on
“I’m playing poker with my friends!” He had gone back to the living room.
“What friends?!” I may be accustomed but that did not mean that he did not surprise me from time to time.
I took of my boots and walked to the living room. The room was dark with a dim ray of light, something like tobacco smoke was flowing all around. I looked at a little round table on the center of the room. There was, what I think was a troll, a weird hairy creature with a donkey tail, and a pixie?
“Who are these?” I cried out. The pixie was giving me some very odd looks. The hairy creature turned to Mike and said something that gave me shivers, “Mike ca' I eat 'im?” the creature asked like this would have been the world’s most normal question.
The little gnome looked like it was thinking, and for a while I thought that he would have answered yes.
“Nope, you can’t eat him G’jarg.” Mike said at long last. The pixie was still staring at me as she addressed the gnome “So mike who’s the handsome human?”
Mike turned his head from the troll to the pixie. “Oh! How rude of me. Jack this is, Nel. Nel this is, Jack.” He introduced.
I looked at the pixie; she was definitely shorter than I was maybe twenty or so centimeters, she also had wings, otherwise she looked like a human only that her ears were pointed like Mike’s. She had on a green gown that looked awfully like many leaves put together. She looked like someone that had something dirty to hide, but at the same time she looked honest and beautiful like a goddess.
“Nice to meet you, Nel,” I said still looking intensively at the pixie.
“Nice to meet you too Jack. Oh! And Jack,” there was a vicket litlle flicker in her eyes.
I was still looking the pixie head to toe “Mmmh?” I answered even ´still` looking at her
“Jack my head is up here.” I looked up and blushed the pixie was grinning a smile that I could not determine would it be just amused or even a bit evil.
The blood that had rushed to my face was starting to fade as I turned my gaze at the big creature. “Then what is your name if I may ask?” I asked the big creature.
“Mi name is Lord Anu McShair, heir and only son of Lord Dis McGust and Lady B.T. Ottom of Longshair kingdom.” He said with a smug smirk on his face as he looked down at me. Mike was snickering.
I bent down to Mike “Why are you laughing?” I asked.
Mike was starting to gain himself back “I just can’t help myself troll names are just dumb I always burst when I hear more than one of them at a time.” He explained.
”So he really is a troll!” I yelped I now understood why it had wanted to eat me.
“Yeah. He is a troll, full of bone crushing power,” Mike’s expression changed little sadder.
“I actually feel sorry for trolls, to say the truth.” He said. I was still in a light shock of the events.
“Why, if I may ask?” I asked Mike. He lowered his voice.
“Well trolls are always regarded as stupid hairy beasts, even tough the only stupid thing about them are their names. I actually think trolls as one of the most intelligent species on the planet.” Mike looked very serious while saying this so I did not argue.
“Well fellows would it be alright if I joined the game?” I stood up from Mike
The pixie looked up from her cards “Sure there is always room for one more” She said with a smile on her face. I took a chair from the kitchen and sat down at the table. “So what’s da gam’!?” Bellowed the troll, after I sat down, “Poker? Black jack?” It went on.

“Let’s play poker,” said the pixie, “Strip poker to be precise,” she looked at me with a much telling glare. I sat besides the pixie as she leaned towards me, “Has anyone ever told you that your brown eyes are beautiful. They match your hair.” The pixie whispered into my ear.
“Thank you.” I mumbled. I was totally red.
We played poker for the next thirty minutes. For some odd reason Mike seemed to have an unnatural amount of royal flushes but no one ever asked why. The pixie left with the troll through my basement, into some trap door. Oddly enough that didn't worry me the least bit. After they had left I started to talk with Mike.
“Do you know that shop in the corner of the keeper’s street, called Dust An’ Products?”
I turned towards the gnome.
“Yeah I do. Why?” He asked as he was taking the poker table away.
I followed him to upstairs “Well there is this creepy owner.” I continued.
Mike pulled a rope that hung a few meters away from my room and the trap door to the attic opened. “I see… Do go on” he said as he climbed a ladder up to the attic where his bed was.
“Well there is this sword in the place and…” I stumbled a few steps because I had hit a old box on the attic floor with my foot. “I also saw a sword that…Mm, called to me.” I was starting to suspect myself of madness after hearing my own words. Mike was leaning over a box and looked like he was looking for something. “The sword was enchanted.” He said he was still leaning over the box.
“Do you want the sword or what is it.?” He asked, I was silent for a second and then answered.
“Yes I want the sword.” I took a breath.
“Could you help me get it? The shop keeper said that he refuses to sell it to me.” The gnome turned to me “Is that so? Hmm, Jack, could you give me that box from behind you?” I looked behind me to find a small box on the ground. I lifted the box and handed it to Mike. “Thanks.” Mike mumbled “So Mike will you help?” I asked. Mike pulled a big book from the books and shouted out in joy “found it!” He put the book on the floor and blew the dust from the cover before opening it. “What is that?” I asked because I was unable to read the name from the cover in the dark.
“How Thy Is Able to Steal from the Human race. By: Prof. Galerius.” He answered.
“They have books for that?” I asked.
“Yep. They sell them in the Underworld. This copy is one-hundred-and-fifty-years-old.” He was holding the book out for me to take it.
“Was that your Grandfather book?” I asked as I took the book from his hands.
“No. It was my father I got it from him thirty years ago.” He answered.
I looked at him in awe “How old are you exactly,” I asked.
“I think ninety-six years. Why?” He looked at me with a puzzling look. I chose not to answer; instead I changed the subject and looked at the book
“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked.
“You wanted the sword, didn’t you?” He said.
“Well yes, but is this not a bit unethical?” I asked, I was growing weary. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked Mike’s help.
I thought about it for a while. Then something came to me.
“Wait a minute is this the reason why you were kicked out of Santa’s house?” I realized.
“Well only one of them” Mike answered ashamed. He started looking at his toes. His face was red as a chili pepper.
“What were the other reasons?”
“Well the others were gambling and excessive drinking,” he answered shyly.
“I see,” I answered
“Now Jack. Will we, or will we not do this?” Mike said to change the subject.
I thought for a while and then said.
“Yes!”

Poor guy... His world is upside down -.-`

Mike turned his head from the troll to the pixie. “Oh! How rude of me. Jack this is, Nel. Nel this is, Jack.” He introduced

... I`ll continue I felt how my knees start trembling and i feared that i could past out. I saw a glass of water next to me on a table. I raised it and poured it on my self. The pixie and the creature as well as the gnome were watching me on the brink of bursting out into an hysterical laughter. Anyway it`s your choice.

Nothing to point out further on just the usual stuff - repeating " I " and " he" .

'“What, what must I see??” “Tell me!!” I shouted in sudden anger.' Your character has sudden mood swings! I think all you should do here is to describe the troll a bit more.'”He’s a troll?!” I yelped I now understood why it had wanted to eat me.' Before this you mention that Jack turns his gaze to the troll. Then why is he so surprised when Mike tells him it's a troll? But other than that I really enjoy this story.

Hi Lord Anzius! Here as requested. On with the critique.

Why? I asked myself.

'Why' should be italicised.

Well I recon it looks a bit hostile, but that is no reason to not use it.

'recon' should be spelt 'reckon' with a 'k.'

Nice name I reckoned and opened the door.

I would rephrase this as," 'Nice name,' I reckoned, opening the door. "
Note my use of apostrophes to encircle a word that isn't directly in the narrative, if that makes any sense. xD

BLING

Went the bell. It sounded quite pleasant.

BLANG

It rang again.

BLING

This time it sounded a bit hostile.

BLANG

A figure was coming from a separate room in the store; on the door there read “STAFF ONLY.”

BLING

OH MY DEAR LORD!

I'm not a great fan of using onomatopaeia if you're serious about this piece, it stops the reader from taking you seriously because it sounds a bit immature. I would completely remove the 'blings' and 'blangs,' and actually explain the sounds and actions that are occuring. That way, it won't sound so...hyper.

I recon I had figured why people didn’t use the store very often.

You need to insert 'out' after 'figured' . And please remember that 'recon' has a k in it!!! 'Reckon,' is the word. Heh, it's my inner spelling Nazi revealing itself.

The owner looked hideous, and scary. A slight chill ran up my back as a looked at his eyes… Red, red eyes.

Instead of stating that he looked hideous and scary, show us how he looked hideous and scary. Did he have a scar running up the side of his face, a hunchback causing him to droop, beetly eyebrows, a black eyepatch? Furthermore, there's a typo. 'a' should be 'I.'

He had a gesture that automatically made you feel awkward and his bold head that (I swear the god) was so thin that you could see his skull.

Never, ever, ever, ever [is that enough yet? ] use brackets when writing serious prose.
It makes it sound like you're reading a diary entry, which is never good.

The man had very fuzzy eye brows and he was very slim, his pale face gave me the impression that this man was very sick.

Stop repeating 'man' in a sentence. 'he' or 'him' will do; you should never repeat names, or 'the man', in this case, more than once, as it sounds immature. Also, 'eyebrows' is one word.

“Only rat meat,” He answered.

'he' shouldn't be capitalised, because it comes after a comma and a speech mark.

“Got a problem with that?” he asked grinning in a mad like way.

Nix 'like.'

“No! Not at all” I cried out.

There should be a comma after all, before the speechmarch. Anzius...I think we've been over this before... Lol, ring any bells?

Overall Comments

I

Okay, Anzius. I have to say, nothing much really seems to be happening in this story. So there's a guy who likes cake, a woman comes into his house and gives him cake, he finds a gnome, and goes to a creepy shop. When written out like that, can you see how you might fail to add structure or gradual progression to this? It's just a string of random, weird events that aren't really connected. There's no meat on the skeleton. You need to flesh it out, make us feel for these characters. Your main character could get run over by a bus and to be honest, I'm not sure I'd care that much. You need to really make us feel for these characters (yes, I know I've repeated that a lot of times). Show their emotions, bring their past history into the story, show their personality through monologues, interpersonal conflict, interactions and dialogues with the other characters, etc. Good points are that your flow is quite nice, there are some funny moments and you have the balance of description and non-description quite right. You just need to work on describing surroudings and showing instead of telling.

II

I noticed that sometimes your dialogue wasn't quite realistic, not quite plausible. Don't worry, I'm only here to help. Writing dialogue is hard but writing realistic dialogue is even more difficult. Creating characters and having them speak without sounding like characters someone created is a skill that is part talent and part practice. While it might not be possible to help with the talent by following these simple steps the practice part can be taken care of.

Step 1:Go to a place where there are a lot of people and eavesdrop on a conversation.
Step 2:Write down everything you overhear verbatim. Take note of pauses, slang, hmm-hmms, uh-huhs and any other aspect of the conversation that was important in the way they were conveying what they had to say.
Step 3:Repeat Steps 1 to 2 as many times as you can with the end result being you have conversations written down for numerous people of varying ethnic groups, class, sex, age, authority and position in life.
Step 4:Create bios for the characters you’re trying to write dialogue for. Make sure you know everything about them from their class, age, race, sex and any other aspect of their life that will determine what they say and how they say it.
Step5: Sit down and start writing, taking note of the conversations you’ve documented and basing the dialogue you write on the biography you wrote for the characters you created.

Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of the steps. Writing realistic dialogue means understanding how people really talk and not how you think they talk. By listening to and documenting conversations you should be able to have an understanding of how people from all walks of life have conversations and be able to mimic that with your characters without sounding stale or falling into tired stereotypes.

III

Anyway, this was harsh, but that's by no means to say you're a bad writer. Your work always makes me laugh a lot because it's so original. Hey, not everything has to be mature. You're fun, you're not heavy-going. That's perfectly fine. With some refining, this could improve a lot.

Good luck!

-Sarah

Hey! Sorry this has taken so long. Bad Nutty. ><;
But on to the review, no?

Why? I asked myself. Well I reckon it looks a bit hostile, but that is no reason to not use it.

You should either put the last sentence in italics, or put it in past tense. As it is, it doesn't quite fit.

Unlike many other shop bells tha chimed this one blinged.

put a comma after 'chimed'.

BLING

Went the bell. It sounded quite pleasant. It was a clear and beautiful sound.

I don't thing you need the "went the bell." It's obvious from what you have said earlier that the "bling" came from the bell, and without it, I believe this phrase flows better.

It rang again. The echo went across the little shop.

Echo in a little shop? Echoes usually need a large space or a certain shape, neither of which a little shop would usually possess.

the sound was no longer as clear as with the first bling.

This seems quite awkward. It's longer then it needs to be- I believe in the economy of words. Getting your point across in the shortest, most efficient, and often most effective way possible.
"...no longer as clear as the first 'bling'. "

OH MY DEAR LORD!

0.0 italics, exclamation mark and capitals? That's overdoing it a bit, wouldn't you agree? I would get rid of the capitals for a start. They are awkward and unpleasant on the eye.

The owner looked hideous, he rather slumped to the desk than actually walked his whole essence was frightening.

This whole sentence is oddly phrased and arranged. I think you could write the same idea a lot more effectively. "The owner was hideous" flows better then "looked".
"he rather slumped to the desk then actually walk" doesn't actually make sense. Did you mean "he more slumped to the desk then walk" or "he slumped to the desk rather then walk"?
"His whole essence was frightening." could be its own sentence, and you could give evidence here to support this. "His whole essence was frightening, his presence sent shudders down my spine."

He drooped because f a small hunch on his back,

Ignoring the typo, I prefer it rephrased as "A small hunch caused him to droop."
Seems cleaner to me.

and his bold head was so thin that you could see his skull.

"He was bald, allowing you to see his skull through paper-thin skin."
I dunno. I just prefer it to be phrased the other way around.

and he was very slim so slim indeed that

The 'indeed' makes the character/narrator sound like a cheesy play narrator. I prefer to keep 'indeed' to dialogue.

his pale face gave me the impression that this person was very sick.

He's too thin, with a hunch. It's rather obvious he would look sick, so this sentence is rather redundant.
Try to let your audience come up with their own conclusions about small details like this, it's preferable then trying to tell them every little detail. It makes it easier for you, the writer, and less likely the reader is going to feel they are being talked down to.

he asked grinning in a mad way.

"With a mad grin" or "grinning madly" fits better.

“What?” I snapped out of something like a dream.

"snapping out of a dream" would actually be better here, as it currently seems as though you are unsure of yourself. 'something like a..' isn't a very good description for a writer to use, in my opinion.

I asked almost in panic for reasons unknown.

I don't like the "for reasons unknown.", it seems awkward. I don't think you really need anything more then "I asked, almost in panic.", as you have already explained or at least given the impression he doesn't understand his own behavior.

I shout out.

Wrong tense?

She looked like someone that had something dirty to hide, but at the same time she looked honest and beautiful like a goddess.

Honest people don't look like they have something to hide. They tend to give themselves away very quickly- after all, how else would mothers 'sense' you had broken her favorite vase?

Anu McShair,

0.0 0.0



Well, this is quite amusing. I had to giggle a few times, drawing strange looks from my parents. I think you should, however, work on your sentence structure. Remember, the less words to get an idea across, the more effective it will most likely be. There are exceptions, but unless you are confident in your skills in descriptive language, keep this in mind.
Also, I suggest you read your stories aloud. I may have told you this before in another critique, but in case I haven't, I will explain again. When you read your story aloud, often you will find the lines that don't flow, or sound awkward. Then you can work on changing them. You could also get a friend to read it out loud, so you can see where others find your wording awkward. It's a handy tool, I swear my parents think I'm crazy, muttering to myself while typing.
You should fill out your main character, I don't relate to him as of yet. Give him a background, an attitude, a quirk or two. Try putting your character through a few unrelated scenarios, write them out, and study how he thinks, reacts and get a feel for who he is. This will improve in how you portray him in your story. The better you know him, the better you can introduce him to your readers in a realistic manner.
But yet again you have a humorous style that is rather quirky and fun, and you should continue writing, editing, and refining it.

If you have any questions, then don't hesitate to PM me. Any way I can help, I will be glad to do so.
Well done.
-Nutty

I didn't get a chance to read what everyone else wrote, so you'll have to forgive me if I repeat something that has already been covered. Shall we?

People never went into this store.

Instead of telling us, can you show us? I think that is one thing you need to work on. You tell us a lot of stuff. We fought for several minutes. People never went into this store. The cheese was yellow. (Okay so I added that last one.) If you're having trouble with this, which I do too, then read this article. I have this page bookmarked so that everytime I feel like my story is too much telling and not enough showing I can go back, read it, and I typically can find ways to fix the problem.

Why? I asked myself. Well I reckon it looks a bit hostile, but that is no reason to not use it. I left the sidewalk and walked to the corner of the small alley; I gazed up and read the name of the store: DUST AN’ PRODUCTS. Nice name I reckoned as I opened the door.

How does a building look hostile? Again, this is a matter of showing us, so that we, as readers, can say "Hmmm that building sounds hostile." Also you used reckon twice in this paragraph and for whatever reason (besides being redundant) I hate the use of this word. For one, I figured your protagonist to be educated, I mean he is reading about famous world leaders, and reckon makes him sound back country, village idiot so fast. I wasn't even sure if it was the same character anymore. Also, whenever your character is thinking something, those thoughts need to be italicized.

This time it sounded a bit hostile; the sound was no longer as clear as with the first bling.

This is the second time you have used hostile in the first few paragraphs. Maybe I am being extremely nitpicky, but there is a thesaurus in nearly every word processor under the language tab, I'd be much obliged if you used it. It should become your best friend, at least as a writer.

I believe I had figured out why people didn’t use the store very often. The owner looked hideous, he rather slumped to the desk than actually walked. His whole essence was frightening. He drooped because of a small hunch on his back. A slight chill ran up my back as a looked at his eyes… Red, red eyes.

I am horrible at grammar and even I could tell where you made mistakes here. Take you're time when you write your story. Spell check and grammar check your story at least twice before you post it here on YWS. If all you want is someone to proofread your story, then you're wasting your time here. I'm sure you're like me, you want people to examine your plot, disect your characters, examine your settings and flow, and tell you wether or not you have talent (Which you do.) But if you are not willing to take the time to correct simple grammatical errors, then unfortunately all you're going to get is a bunch of people pointing out where you missed a period, or that you spelled this word wrong, or you put a comma in where it doesn't need to be. Get the most of YWS. *Steps down from her soap box.*

He had a gesture that automatically made you feel awkward and his bold head was so thin that you could see his skull. The man had very fuzzy eye brows and he was very slim, so slim indeed that I could see his ribs sticking out. His pale face gave me the impression that this person was very sick.

What is the gesture about? I'm confused. That sentence in itself is awkward. Again, watch your punctuation. Make sure you are putting the commas in the right places. If you have problems with grammar (like me) you should visit the Knowledge Base. It is a great place here on YWS that provides us with tons of articles. There is all sorts of stuff on grammar, and then there are a bunch of other articles that will help you improve your writing. I haven't even been able to read all of the articles yet, but already I can see my writing has gotten better since I started to use the resources available on this sight.

“Only rat meat,” he answered.

“R-Rat meat?” I had found out two reasons why no one ever came here.

Is this some kind of dream? What time period is this set in? I am just very, very confused as to what is going on. Why is Jack here? What does this store and this crazy old man have to do with anything? And why does this whole situation feel ludacris to me, as if it is all a dream?

“So you like swords?” Asked the shop keeper

“What?” I snapped out of something like a dream.

“Would you want the sword?” He asked again with a frightening grin.

Can this man read minds?

“No? I can’t” Said the man.

I was taken aback by this.

“Do not look like that. I can just read your face like a open book.” He said still wearing that frightening white grin.

“How much is that sword,” I asked.

“Nothing. It is not for sale,” He answered.

Normally at this point I would have given up, but I was feeling some kind of pull towards the sword. Even I was a bit shocked when I said “I want that sword. How much is it. I have money.” I normally didn't act this way.

“It is not for sale. Not for the likes of you…” The rest of his murmur I could not hear.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “What do you mean? With: ´Likes of you?” I asked almost in panic for reasons unknown.

“You have not seen it. Seen the thing that will open the sword to you.”

“What, what must I see?” I couldn't stop myself from shouting.

“Tell me!” I shouted in sudden anger.

“I must ask you to leave this shop,” he said still with his very irritating grin.

“Not before I get that sword!” I shout out.

´LEAVE`

This sound. I wasn’t sure did it even come from the man himself. It was almost like it came from everywhere. A chill ran up my back. I felt like I was watched from every angle.

“Please,” continued the man

“Um. Of course. Forgive me for my rudeness.” I said as I eventually started wanting to leave.

“Goodbye,” I said as I ran out of the small store

I opened the door and stepped in. it had been four weeks when I had first seen Mike and now I had grown accustomed to him.

“Yo!” Ran the sound from the living room

“Hello Mike. What are you doing?” I asked.

Mikes head popped from the living room, he had his sunglasses on

“I’m playing poker with my friends!” He had gone back to the living room.

“What friends?!” I may be accustomed but that did not mean that he did not surprise me from time to time.

I took of my boots and walked to the living room. The room was dark with a dim ray of light, something like tobacco smoke was flowing all around. I looked at a little round table on the center of the room. There was, what I think was a troll, a weird hairy creature with a donkey tail, and a pixie?

“Who are these?” I cried out. The pixie was giving me some very odd looks. The hairy creature turned to Mike and said something that gave me shivers, “Mike ca' I eat 'im?” the creature asked like this would have been the world’s most normal question.

The little gnome looked like it was thinking, and for a while I thought that he would have answered yes.

“Nope, you can’t eat him G’jarg.” Mike said at long last. The pixie was still staring at me as she addressed the gnome “So mike who’s the handsome human?”

Mike turned his head from the troll to the pixie. “Oh! How rude of me. Jack this is, Nel. Nel this is, Jack.” He introduced.

I looked at the pixie; she was definitely shorter than I was maybe twenty or so centimeters, she also had wings, otherwise she looked like a human only that her ears were pointed like Mike’s. She had on a green shirt that looked awfully like many leaves put together, she also had the same kind of trousers. She looked like someone that had something dirty to hide, but at the same time she looked honest and beautiful like a goddess.

“Nice to meet you, Nel,” I said still looking intensively at the pixie.

“Nice to meet you too Jack. Oh! And Jack.” The pixie said.

I was still looking the pixie head to toe “Mmmh?” I answered even ´still` looking at her

“Jack my head is up here.” I looked up and blushed the pixie was grinning a smile that I could not determine would it be just amused or even a bit evil.

I was starting to “un-blush” as I turned my gaze at the big creature. “Then what is your name if I may ask?” I asked the big creature.

“Mi name is Lord Anu McShair, heir and only son of Lord Dis McGust and Lady B.T. Ottom of Longshair kingdom.” He said with a smirking smugly on his face as he looked down at me. Mike was snickering.

I bent down to Mike “Why are you laughing?” I asked.

Mike was starting to gain himself back “I just can’t help myself troll names are just dumb I always burst when I hear more than one of them at a time.” He explained.

”So he really is a troll!” I yelped I now understood why it had wanted to eat me.

“Yeah. He is a troll, full of bone crushing power,” Mike’s expression changed little sadder.

“I actually feel sorry for trolls, to say the truth.” He said. I was still in a light shock of the events.

“Why, if I may ask?” I asked Mike. He lowered his voice.

“Well trolls are always regarded as stupid hairy beasts, even tough the only stupid thing about them are their names. I actually think trolls as one of the most intelligent species on the planet.” Mike looked very serious while saying this so I did not argue.

“Well fellows would it be alright if I joined the game?” I stood up from Mike

The pixie looked up from her cards “Sure there is always room for one more” She said with a smile on her face. I took a chair from the kitchen and sat down at the table. “So what’s da gam’!?” Bellowed the troll, after I sat down, “Poker? Black jack?” It went on.


“Let’s play poker,” said the pixie, “Strip poker to be precise,” she looked at me with a much telling glare. I sat besides the pixie as she leaned towards me, “Has anyone ever told you that your brown eyes are beautiful. They match your hair.” The pixie whispered into my ear.

“Thank you.” I mumbled. I was totally red.

We played poker for the next thirty minutes. For some odd reason Mike seemed to have an unnatural amount of royal blushes but no one ever asked why. The pixie left with the troll through my basement, into some trap door. After they had left I started to talk with Mike.

“Do you know that shop in the corner of the keeper’s street, called Dust An’ Products?”

I turned at the gnome.

“Yeah I do. Why?” He asked as he was taking the poker table away.

I followed him to upstairs “Well there is this creepy owner.” I continued.

Mike pulled a rope that hung a few meters away from my room and the trap door to the attic opened. “I see… Do go on” he said as he climbed a ladder up to the attic where lied his bed.

“Well there is this sword in the place and…” I stumbled a few steps because I had hit a old box on the attic floor with my foot. “I also saw a sword that…Mm, (how to say this) called to me.” I was starting to suspect myself of madness after hearing my own words. Mike was leaning over a box and looked like he was looking for something.

“The sword was enchanted.” He said he was still leaning over the box.

“Do you want the sword or what is it.?” He asked, I was silent for a second and then answered.

“Yes I want the sword.” I took a breath.

“Could you help me get it? The shop keeper said that he refuses to sell it to me.” The gnome turned to me “Is that so? Hmm, Jack, could you give me that box from behind you?” I looked behind me to find a small box on the ground. I lifted the box and handed it to Mike. “Thanks.” Mike mumbled “So Mike will you help?” I asked. Mike pulled a big book from the books and shouted out in joy “Wound it!” He put the book on the floor and blew the dust from the cover before opening it. “What is that?” I asked because I was unable to read the name from the cover in the dark.

“How Thy Is Able to Steal from the Human race. By: Prof. Galerius.” He answered.

“They have books for that?” I asked.

“Yep. They sell them in the Underworld. This copy is one-hundred-and-fifty-years-old.” He was holding the book out for me to take it.

“Was that your Grandfather book?” I asked as I took the book from his hands.

“No. It was my father I got it from him thirty years ago.” He answered.

I looked at him in awe “How old are you exactly,” I asked.

“I think ninety-six years. Why?” He looked at me with a puzzling look. I chose not to answer; instead I changed the subject and looked at the book

“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked.

“You wanted the sword, didn’t you?” He said.

“Well yes, but is this not a bit unethical?” I asked, I was growing weary. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked Mike’s help.

I thought about it for a while. Then something came to me.

“Wait a minute is this the reason why you were kicked out of Santa’s house?” I realized.

“Well only one of them” Mike answered ashamed. He started looking at his toes. His face was red as a chili pepper.

“What were the other reasons?”

“Well the others were gambling and excessive drinking,” he answered shyly.

“I see,” I answered

“Now Jack. Will we, or will we not do this?” Mike said to change the subject.

I thought for a while and then said.

“Yes!”

I didn't get a chance to read what everyone else wrote, so you'll have to forgive me if I repeat something that has already been covered. Shall we?

People never went into this store.

Instead of telling us, can you show us? I think that is one thing you need to work on. You tell us a lot of stuff. We fought for several minutes. People never went into this store. The cheese was yellow. (Okay so I added that last one.) If you're having trouble with this, which I do too, then read this article. I have this page bookmarked so that everytime I feel like my story is too much telling and not enough showing I can go back, read it, and I typically can find ways to fix the problem.

Why? I asked myself. Well I reckon it looks a bit hostile, but that is no reason to not use it. I left the sidewalk and walked to the corner of the small alley; I gazed up and read the name of the store: DUST AN’ PRODUCTS. Nice name I reckoned as I opened the door.

How does a building look hostile? Again, this is a matter of showing us, so that we, as readers, can say "Hmmm that building sounds hostile." Also you used reckon twice in this paragraph and for whatever reason (besides being redundant) I hate the use of this word. For one, I figured your protagonist to be educated, I mean he is reading about famous world leaders, and reckon makes him sound back country, village idiot so fast. I wasn't even sure if it was the same character anymore. Also, whenever your character is thinking something, those thoughts need to be italicized.

This time it sounded a bit hostile; the sound was no longer as clear as with the first bling.

This is the second time you have used hostile in the first few paragraphs. Maybe I am being extremely nitpicky, but there is a thesaurus in nearly every word processor under the language tab, I'd be much obliged if you used it. It should become your best friend, at least as a writer.

I believe I had figured out why people didn’t use the store very often. The owner looked hideous, he rather slumped to the desk than actually walked. His whole essence was frightening. He drooped because of a small hunch on his back. A slight chill ran up my back as a looked at his eyes… Red, red eyes.

I am horrible at grammar and even I could tell where you made mistakes here. Take you're time when you write your story. Spell check and grammar check your story at least twice before you post it here on YWS. If all you want is someone to proofread your story, then you're wasting your time here. I'm sure you're like me, you want people to examine your plot, disect your characters, examine your settings and flow, and tell you wether or not you have talent (Which you do.) But if you are not willing to take the time to correct simple grammatical errors, then unfortunately all you're going to get is a bunch of people pointing out where you missed a period, or that you spelled this word wrong, or you put a comma in where it doesn't need to be. Get the most of YWS. *Steps down from her soap box.*

He had a gesture that automatically made you feel awkward and his bold head was so thin that you could see his skull. The man had very fuzzy eye brows and he was very slim, so slim indeed that I could see his ribs sticking out. His pale face gave me the impression that this person was very sick.

What is the gesture about? I'm confused. That sentence in itself is awkward. Again, watch your punctuation. Make sure you are putting the commas in the right places. If you have problems with grammar (like me) you should visit the Knowledge Base. It is a great place here on YWS that provides us with tons of articles. There is all sorts of stuff on grammar, and then there are a bunch of other articles that will help you improve your writing. I haven't even been able to read all of the articles yet, but already I can see my writing has gotten better since I started to use the resources available on this sight.

“Only rat meat,” he answered.

“R-Rat meat?” I had found out two reasons why no one ever came here.

Is this some kind of dream? What time period is this set in? I am just very, very confused as to what is going on. Why is Jack here? What does this store and this crazy old man have to do with anything? And why does this whole situation feel ludacris to me, as if it is all a dream? If this is a dream then you need to italicize it. If it is not a dream then you need to make it feel more realistic. You can have the shopkeeper be crazy and weird, but have his wares be somewhat normal, like bolts of fabric or wooden toys. You have to make this feel more real otherwise we, as readers, just feel like we're caught in some pyscho dream.

Can this man read minds?

If this is a thought, then you need it to be italicized.

“No? I can’t” Said the man.

Said doesn't have to me capitalized here.

“Do not look like that. I can just read your face like a open book.” He said still wearing that frightening white grin.

How is a grin white? Because of his teeth? If you're talking about his teeth, then clarify this.

“How much is that sword,” I asked.

When you ask a question you need it to end with a question mark not a comma.

Normally at this point I would have given up, but I was feeling some kind of pull towards the sword. Even I was a bit shocked when I said “I want that sword. How much is it. I have money.” I normally didn't act this way.

You used normally twice in this paragraph. I don't know if you know this about me, but redundancies is one of my biggest pet peeves. Also you asked a question in your dialouge but you used a period instead of a question mark.

“It is not for sale. Not for the likes of you…” The rest of his murmur I could not hear.

[s]“What do you mean?” I asked.[/s] “What do you mean? With: ´Likes of you?” I asked almost in panic for reasons unknown.

This reads awkward. Why is he panicking? Don't have him ask what do you mean twice, that way you get rid of the redundancy.

“What, what must I see?” I couldn't stop myself from shouting.

“Tell me!” I shouted in sudden anger.

WHY ARE WE YELLING? You need to clarify this. Nothing has really happened to provoke him to shout, so this reaction seems a little strange. Also, you don't need to start a new paragraph, it makes it seem as if the storekeeper is responding.

“I must ask you to leave this shop,” he said still with his very irritating grin.

This is written weird. Reword it to say something like: He said still grinning.

“Not before I get that sword!” I shout out.

Again, this reads weird. I'd just say I shouted.

This sound. I wasn’t sure [s]did[/s] it even come from the man himself.

This sounds. Weird. I'm not even sure. Why you have a period. Where you do.

“Um. Of course. Forgive me for my rudeness.” I said as I eventually started wanting to leave.

“Goodbye,” I said as I ran out of the small store

This is awkward wording, it makes it sound like past and present tense all at once. Again, you do not have to start a new paragraph, although under these circumstances I'd just have him run out of the store, not even bothering to say good-bye.

I opened the door and stepped in. it had been four weeks when I had first seen Mike and now I had grown accustomed to him.

You need some sort of break between this sentence and the previous one, otherwise it feels like too fast of a transition. Maybe you could do some asteriks? ***** I like to use odd numbers, but it doesn't really matter, just a personal preference. (I know I'm strange, my doctor says its genetic and there is no known cure yet.) Also don't forget to capitalize. I think seen should be met.

“Yo!” Ran the sound from the living room

I don't really imagine a sound running anywhere. Perhaps rang?

I looked at the pixie; she was definitely shorter than I was maybe twenty or so centimeters, she also had wings, otherwise she looked like a human only that her ears were pointed like Mike’s. She had on a green shirt that looked awfully like many leaves put together, she also had the same kind of trousers. She looked like someone that had something dirty to hide, but at the same time she looked honest and beautiful like a goddess.

She looked like, it looked like, she looked. This paragraph is very telling and it is also what we call an info dump. Info dumps are not good, we put them in time-out a lot. Maybe you could sneak in her physical description in among the dialouge. I really like the last sentence (in bold), I thought it was very descriptive without being too telling.

I was starting to “un-blush” as I turned my gaze at the big creature. “Then what is your name if I may ask?” I asked the big creature.

Un-blush? I'm not sure that is a word, much less one you can get away with making up. Maybe say something like: With the tint of embarasment still fresh on my face, I turned to the big creature. Or something like that.

He said with a smirking smugly on his face as he looked down at me.

For some odd reason Mike seemed to have an unnatural amount of royal blushes but no one ever asked why.

I think you meant to say Royal Flushes not blushes.

I turned at the gnome.

Reword: I turned towards the gnome.

I followed him to upstairs “Well there is this creepy owner.” [s]I continued.[/s]

“I see… Do go on” he said as he climbed a ladder up to the attic where lied his bed.

Reword: where his bed was.

“Well there is this sword in the place and…” I stumbled a few steps because I had hit a old box on the attic floor with my foot. “I also saw a sword that…Mm, [s](how to say this)[/s] called to me.” I was starting to suspect myself of madness after hearing my own words. Mike was leaning over a box and looked like he was looking for something.

First of all, get rid of the bit in parathesis. We can see his struggle and hesistation without you coming right out and saying it.

“The sword was enchanted.” He said [s]he was still leaning over the box[/s].

“Do you want the sword or what is it.?” He asked, I was silent for a second and then answered.

Again, you don't need to start a new paragraph everytime someone says something new. Let me give you a basic lesson. "I hate pie." Gerald complained. "Especially apple pie!" (New Paragraph) "I have chocolate cake, if you'd like that better." Mary offered. You only really need to start a new paragraph when someone is responding to another person's dialouge. Even if they aren't saying anything. For example: "I hate pie." Gerald complained. "Especially apple pie!" (New Paragraph) Mary shrugged in defeat.

“Could you help me get it? The shop keeper said that he refuses to sell it to me.” (New Paragraph)The gnome turned to me “Is that so? Hmm, Jack, could you give me that box from behind you?” (New Paragraph)I looked behind me to find a small box on the ground. I lifted the box and handed it to Mike. (New Paragraph)“Thanks.” Mike mumbled (New Paragraph)“So Mike will you help?” I asked. (New Paragraph)Mike pulled a big book from the books and shouted out in joy “Wound it!” He put the book on the floor and blew the dust from the cover before opening it. (New Paragraph)“What is that?” I asked because I was unable to read the name from the cover in the dark.

Wound should probably be found.

“Well yes, but is this not a bit unethical?” I asked, I was growing weary. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked Mike’s help. (No New Paragraph)

I thought about it for a while. Then something came to me. (No New Paragraph)

“Wait a minute is this the reason why you were kicked out of Santa’s house?” I realized.

Characters: I feel like I've gotten to know a little bit more about Jack and Mike, and I like the addition of Mike's friends, especially the pixie. She's a little flirt isn't she? My only complaints is that I'd love to know more about Mike and his past. And why is Jack so quick to abandon his morals? Does he have any to begin with? Also, I'd love for Mike to bring something to this relationship, why else would Jack keep him around? Perhaps Mike is a good cook? (Can't you imagine him in a floral print apron, ahhh how cute!) Or he is good at cleaning, something productive, other than helping Jack steal a sword.

Setting: I think you did a good job with this, just don't forget to think about what a place smells like or sounds like. Even when it is quiet, there are still subtle noises. Plus if Mike is a good cook, you can describe Jack waking up to the smells of bacon and homemade pancakes or something yummy like that.

Overall: Overall I think you need to work on your grammar, the wording of your sentences, and overall structure of your paragraphs. I think you have the plot line, character descriptions, and setting down well. Your flow needs some work, but that comes with working on the wording of your sentences and punctuation. You definitely need to do more showing then telling. But you do have most of the hard stuff down, everything now is just nitpicky stuff. Good job!!