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Welcome to Miami: Chapter 9.



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Tue Aug 12, 2008 4:03 am
day tripper says...



WOW that was fast. Im really into finishing this story up. There's going to be about 16 Chapters(: Possibly more, but there's a sequal so I don't know. Anyways, enjoy!

I stopped the motor of the small boat in the middle of the sea, where the waves were low and the moonlight was bright. I got up off the seat and climbed to the back bench where I laid down. This felt good, a new style, a new scenery; something different. I crossed my boots and rested my head back, closing my eyes. Aaron was basically taking over my thoughts. All I thought about was him and what he may be doing. He had this power over me where if I wasn’t thinking about him, I felt a sharp, permanent pain in my heart. Aaron was what made me smile, and it amazes me how much I like him after all the times he hurt me.

No. That’s enough of Aaron. This was my change, to do something different. I was a girl with a hard party mind and daring adventures, but ever since Aaron’s been here I’ve been boring and sad. I sat up and unzipped my boots. I placed them on the seat and then removed my pants.

I untied the scarf around my waist and took off the coat that kept me warm. In my t-shirt and panties, I slipped into the cool water and relaxed. I swam around and floated, breathing in the night air. I felt free, released of all contention, worries, and fear. I went under water and swam a little away from my boat when all of the sudden a cold chill went down my spine. Then I realized the temperature was around the low forties and quickly made my way back to the boat. I climbed back in and looked around for a towel.

“Ah, shit!” I cursed. I took my wool coat and slipped it around my shoulders, then placed my boots back on. I sat down in the drivers seat and started the motor, making my way back to the closest dock.


+


Carly walked down the beach in a peasant skirt and blouse with a cotton jacket over her shoulders. The water barely made it’s way to her feet as she made her away along the shore. Tonight, Miami was chilly and Carly didn’t feel like being cooped up in the hotel room. What was there to do with low cash and no friends? Nothing but to walk around. She felt empty inside, like there was a bubble in her and at any minute it would pop and her true feelings would be exposed. She didn’t want anyone to see her so distraught. Carly tended to bottle up her feelings and release it all in pure anger and frustration. Tonight, Carly didn’t want to be angry. She wanted a shoulder to lean on, someone she could talk to.

“Where the hell is Evie.” Carly looked out to sea, wrapping her arms around herself. A slight shiver went through her body as two arms enclosed her. A chin rested on her shoulder and said

“It’s Me.”

Carly turned around in the arms and looked up at Brad. She didn’t say anything, just stared at him. He bent his head forward when it reached hers. They stared into each other’s eyes long enough before Carly broke down. There was no need for talking, they both knew the problems. Carly pressed her face on Brad’s shoulder and cried quietly. Carly was a tough girl who didn’t like tears. When she did cry, it was very solemn.

“Shh, shh. Come on, Carly. Don’t be like that, let’s sit down and talk. I don’t want to see you cry.” Brad directed Carly away from the shore and sat her down in the sand. He took off his zip up and placed it around her shoulders. Carly held her knee’s and rested her chin upon them. Brad sat down next to her and rubbed her back as she sniffled.

“I’m so confused, Brad.” Carly said quietly, fidgeting with her nails. Brad looked at her and sighed.

“Same here.”

“We need to talk.” Carly kept talking as if she didn’t here him.

“Okay?” Brad’s whole body tensed and his mind clouded.

“Tell me the truth… did you cheat on me?” Carly looked Brad straight in the eyes and made sure to read his eyes. Brad’s eyes darted everywhere except Carly’s eyes.

“…No.”

Carly looked into his eyes and knew he was lying. Hurt, she pushed off the zip up and made her way down the beach.

“Okay, Carly! That… was a lie.” Brad yelled out after her.

“No kidding!” Carly called back. She stopped and turned to face Brad. He walked up, his hands dug in his pockets.

“I did cheat…but it wasn’t anything purposely. It was all an accident. If you just give me time to explain-”

“How about you give me time to breath?” Carly shot back, then she headed off.

Brad stood there, motionless. He decided to let Carly cool off before dropping a bomb of emotion on her.


+


I walked off the small boat at the boat rental shop after getting directions from obnoxious jerks at the nearest dock. I crossed my arms and made my way down away from the shop. ‘So much for something new’ I thought to myself as I turned onto the street to haul a cab. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be myself?

I stopped short and looked up at where I was standing: Jack’s Lantern. I read the sign below: Piercing, Tattoos, and Body Art. My smile brightened and I walked in. I flipped through books of tattoo’s, piercing’s, and body art. I loved this kind of stuff, all the designs and perspective of it.

“Can I help you?” I looked up at a young male, possibly twenty-five, who had a few piercings, tattoos, and buzzed hair. He had an Australian accent and was very tall.

“I know it’s late, but I was just wondering how much it would be to do snake bites?” I recalled back to the time Carly, Brad, Aaron, and I went to the boardwalk and I asked the head shop there. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get any snake bites.

“Well, first I’m going to have to ask how old you are?” He leaned forward, closing the book that I was rummaging through.

“As a matter of fact, I’m eighteen.” I sternly looked at him, flipping the book open to the page I was on. He chuckled and leaned back.

“Well, you’re eligible to get anything you want. But right now we’re closing. Come back tomorrow?” He asked, crossing his big toned arms.

“Yeah, tomorrows good. Can I pre-pay? I don’t want to accidentally spend anything.” As soon as I asked the question, I felt stupid. The Australian guy laughed.

“No, no you can’t. But since it’s senior week, all seniors get five dollars off any purchase.” I nodded at his response and then made an appointment for the next day.

“Snake bites, huh?” He asked as we finished with the appointment.

“Always wanted them since the eighth grade.” I shrugged, looking at the different lip rings and studs.

“I got mine when I was fourteen, pierced them myself.” He jerked his chin forward, showing off the black arrow rings in his lips.

“That’s neat.” I nodded, keeping the conversation simple.

“You know this process is going to hurt, right?” He rose his pierced eyebrow.

“Obviously, but pain is beauty.” I pulled my hair back and showed my ear which had twelve wholes. The guy nodded, and smiled.

“Come back tomorrow with ID, twenty dollars, and that cute smile and we’ll get what you want done.” He winked then led me out the door. I turned, thanked him, then hauled the nearest cab.


+


Carly sat at a bar watching the re-run football game on the scratchy T.V. She sipped a coke and then looked at her watch: nine-thirty-seven. She set her coke down and pulled out her cell phone. She punched in a memorized number and waited a few rings before the line connected.

“Hello?”

“Hey Evie, what are you doing?” She asked quietly as people talked in the dim-lighted bar.

“I’m walking back to the hotel, you?”

“Sitting at some bar in the hotel. Do you think you could stop by? I need a friend.” Carly tried to choke on her tears as best as she could.

“Of course, I’ll be there soon. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, yeah… no. No, not at all. I think Brad’s cheating. I asked him tonight and it turns out he was.” Carly whipped her eye that began to water.

“That bastard! Want me to kill him? You know taking down bitches is my specialty.”

Carly laughed at this, Evie always had a way to enlighten her mood. “No, but maybe damaging or possibly taking away his man hood would help.”

“Alright, Carly. I’ll be at the bar with a doggie bag.” Evie laughed.

“I’ll be looking forward to it!” Carly smiled. She closed the phone and instantly felt relieved.


“Hey!” I walked up to Carly as she sat on the twisting bar stool.

“Hi.” She remarked, looking gloomy.

“Some rabid dogs chased me down for the doggie bag, so I got you a cookie instead.” I smiled, handing her the sugar cookie. Carly laughed and accepted the treat.

“Thanks.” She mumbled. Carly placed her chin on her hand. “I can’t believe after six years he’d do this.”

“Did you let him explain?” I asked, rubbing her back.

“No. Not that I don’t want to hear him out. It’s just… I think I’m losing love for him. It’s been so rugged these past five months. Lately I felt that it was getting better, but then things got worse again. I don’t know how much more I can take. I think I might need a break… a permanent break.” Carly sat up straight and wiped her face.

“I think, in all seriousness, you and Brad are so different from each other you tried to block that out of the way and continue trying to make this relationship work. When, really it needs to be let go.” I leaned on the bar, giving Carly all my attention.

“You’re right. You’re exactly right. But- it hurts to know he wont be in my life that way anymore. How can I let six years go?” She looked at me with sorrowful eyes.

“How did you even let six years pass?” I asked seriously. Carly laughed and shrugged.


“Carly, you’ll find someone. I promise. And he’ll be so amazing, you’ll actually be nice and romantic for once.” I winked at her. Carly playfully pushed me and slouched,

“I hope. You know how you talk about Aaron? You’ve never noticed but, you speak of him like he’s your pride and joy. Like every worry in the world can go away and just so easily give your heart away. I trust people too much which makes me fall easily.” Carly explained. I sighed and re-situated my seat.

“That’s because Aaron is my only worry. Every conflict I have somehow relates back to him.” I sighed. Carly nodded and took the last sip of her coke.

“I’m going to go to bed. You coming?” She asked as she hoped off the bar stool. She pulled out a five and slid it to the bartender.

“Yeah, I’m right along with ‘ya.” I smiled and we walked up to the elevators.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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Tue Aug 12, 2008 5:00 am
alwaysawriter says...



Your crazy friend here, who likes reviewing at midnight. :)

Grammar and Nitpicks

Carly didn’t want
Since you just said her name in the previous sentence, you can go back to She.

“Where the hell is Evie.”
Question mark instead of a period since its a question.

“It’s Me.”
Don't capitalize the M in Me. I get that you're trying to make ephmasis but there's no need to capitalize it.

need for talking, they both knew
Insert Since instead of the comma but that's just me being a nickpick; it works with or without Since but I think it sounds better.

He took off his zip up and placed it
Zip up? Explain.

‘So much for something new’
Try italics to make it stand out more.

He had an Australian accent and was very tall.
Nitpick here. There's nothing really wrong with Very but it sounds like something a kid does to finish their one-page story when they're stuck (me) Replace it with Pretty, maybe?

ask how old you are?”
Reword this part of the sentence; it just doesn't look right to me. Maybe try "...ask how old are you?" or something like that.

“Well, you’re eligible to get anything you want. But right now we’re closing.
It's fine the way it is but try combining the two sentences together and see how that works.

tomorrows good
Tomorrow's good. It's a conjuction of Tomorrow Is, so you add an apostophee to show that.

“No, no you can’t. But since it’s senior week, all seniors get five dollars off any purchase.”
Short, coppy sentences (like the first one) don't look as good as longer sentences. Try combining the two.

“Always wanted them since the eighth grade.”
This doesn't flow. Try something like "I've wanted them since the eighth grade."

man hood
I'm pretty sure that Manhood is one word.

“I’ll be looking forward to it!” Carly smiled. She closed the phone and instantly felt relieved.


“Hey!” I walked up to Carly as she sat on the twisting bar stool.
Separate these with something other than a space so readers can be sure you switched characters.

Lately
Comma. A pause generally means a comma or a semi-colon; in this case, a comma.

really it
Comma after Really for the same reasons I just listed.

wont be
Aphostophee between Won and T. "..won't be..."

“Carly, you’ll find someone. I promise.
Combine these two sentences to make it look better and less choppy.

And he’ll be so amazing
Take out And and capitalize the H in He'll. Never start sentences with conjuctions (And, But, Because, If, etc)

with ‘ya.”
You can just say "...with ya." Generally speaking, readers understand the word Ya means You.

Evie
Much better. I like the idea of her getting a tattoo and that she's finally just being who she wants to be. She has depth and personallity. Keep this up!

Carly
Like I said with Evie, much better. You incorperated her into the story a lot more and easily. She was there when Evie needed her and wanted to kill Aaron. That part right there just made me instantly like her because it remind me of my best friend and I.

Aaron
I'm still not a big fan of his but since he's kind of the antagonist (or one of them), I don't think I'm the only one. He's a jerk and just plain stupid.

Brad
Brad is probably my least favorite character because he cheated on Carly and he just doesn't seem like a good person in the first place.

Plot
I like what you did with Evie; I never would have thought of the tattoo thing. I'm glad that Carly and Brad broke up but I do think she needs to give him a chance to explain.

Overall
You did good; Evie isn't mopping, Carly and Brad broke up and Aaron's miserable. :) I know you'll post chapter ten soon so I'm looking foward to it.

PM me for anything at all, as usual.

-Kat
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Tue Aug 12, 2008 5:25 am
angel says...



Spectacular writing! as usual.

I won't go into detail but I'm all for ripping the cheaterz manhood to pieces.
Carly shouldn't take him back. I know i wouldn't. Once a cheater allways a cheater! >:O
Once again I feel like i am in the story.
Really make us relate to the characters.
Especially the previous chapter where they r kissing and getting too into it. then Aaron stopped.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allm ---Alfred Lord Tennyson
  





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Reviews: 514
Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:44 pm
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JC says...



Arg! Sorry, I had a really good critique coming and it accidentally got erased and I can't get it back, so... sorry about that. I'll just go straight to my comments.

You seemed to have more mistakes than usual here, but I can sense that you're getting ready for the climax of the story so just be a little more careful to not let that get in the way of your writing :D

I loved the friendship you portrayed between Evie and Carly in this chapter, it's what I've been waiting for the entire book. I think if you could incorporate more of this, it would be amazing. Really, really stunning friendship when you focus on it.

You did a good job of balancing sad, happy, tears, and friendship here, so I don't have many complaints, only nitpicks, but by now you should be able to find them yourself.

My only little complaint would be again, how are they drinking in a bar at the age of eighteen if their ID's say they aren't twenty-one? I would love to know, not for myself, but for the sake of common sense and my own mental well being. :b

Overall, I think this was one of your best sections and you should keep up the good work!

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  








There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett