Young Writers Society

Removed.

The most awesome, amazing character of all were Lena's breasts. They were characterized incredibly well. ^_^

And yay! SPEW will take over the world some day...

You mean SPEW hasn't taken over the world already?

And her... Leave it to you, 'Rina, to talk about Breasts as a character.

Brad, I like it. Take over the (publishing) world, and bicker all the while. Oh yes.

Lena is awesome -- watch James and Jeremy, though. With the two "J" names, it got a little confusing at first. Maybe find a way to differentiate between them a little more, at least at the start? Though this is partly because it's written, and acted we'd have a much more visual sense of the characters to help ^^

Basically... yeah. And Sunshine kicks it. That is all.

What a guy Luke is.

Anyway, you got me intrigued, and I'm ready to read more.

^^ I liked. James seems very cynical and I like that about him. I have to say it was more his character than any other that kept me reading, though Sunshine and Lena are amusing as well.

~Rea
*scurries off to read the next episode.*

I tried to come up with something substantial to say, but I failed. I guess I just don't do scripts so well XD The only thing I really felt could be improved was I wasn't entirely sure who they were or why they were all together...but that would possibly be rectified by being able to see them and their surroundings.

Otherwise, Sunshine is hilarious, the others are interesting, and I want to see what happens next.

I read it! Told ya I was gonna read it! ^^

I loved it. It's only a script and I felt, as the audience, that I was actually part of the scene. Sunshine was cute (:lol:), the relationship between Lena and James is amusing, the three boys are good friends.. it's really amazing. I wonder how they all became friends, especially Sunshine. They all just have their own personalities, yet they're friends. Amazing! ^^

I wish I could say something evil.. but I can't. Sorry I wasn't helpful. I hope I was encouraging, though!

Jabber, the One and Only!

XD I really liked this. Your characters really shown through. I liked the tension of the characters throughout it but most of all...I loved Lena! She had some really funny lines and she's sort of a bitch, but I think you meant it that way. Hopefully...And I loved the milkshake reference. That song is awesome and did her justice.

Off to read the next!

~Rieda

Man, You need to contact an producer pronto, I think this would be set up into a show. It is Good! I liked how lina was a bitch, james a synic moron, and sunshine the calmer. However i think my favorite chracter was the Kiten. You should like let her be an inspiration to one of the writers , and the peaice makes them milionairs or something. I do nnot know. Just do not ignore the kitten, or i will punish u by sending all her friends to meow at night and let you get no sleep. HEHEHE, just kidding, som yeah i liked it. i think there are some type errors, but you can find them ur self. i canot wait for more.

This is great, Brad. Highly amusing. I think your characters are very well developed with such wonderfully individual personalities. I don't know if you've edited since Meshugenah's comment but I actually have to disagree with her - I found Jeremy and James to be sufficiently different. However, I'm glad that you gave them a scene on their own at first to establish the more subtle difference between their personalities as it's diminished later when they're with the group - Jeremy is much less nervous and more in control with the others around.

I think you gave some good details of setting - the love couch was a great addition and I'm already looking forward to future scenes in that room. The relationships between the characters are brilliant and there's some real sense of past and present conflict here that draws your reader in, especially where James and Lena are concerned.

I'm glad you kept the section with Ann short because though it gave an insight into Jeremy's character and life, it was probably my least favourite part.

My only real suggestion is to take another look at the beginning and maybe trim it a little. It is good to distinguish the characters of James and Jeremy and to introduce the conflict but I felt that the discussion over James' bags could have been shorter and they spent a lot of time wondering where the others were.

It's really good though and I certainly intend to read more!

Yeah! We're angry, not retarded! And Lena's milkshakes totally brought all the boys to the kitchen.

Hehehhee, I so want to see this acted out.

I'm glad you're not asking for critiques, Brad, because I don't think I could do it. Your brain operates on a completely different level than mine. But this was enjoyable all the same. Sorry for not getting to it sooner.

Man, I hate Jeremy. What an effin' deuschbag. How the hell does he think he is? I mean, what's his problem anyway?

So yeah, here are my thoughts...

I didn't really get why they were so easily getting on each other's nerves. James got angry with everyone as soon as he got there, which didn't make much sense to me.

Also, Jeremy's girlfriend would never say 'cocksucker.' That's entirely out of character. She would, though, say 'Fuck you asshole,' although never to Jeremy.

Overall, I did like this, but it seems a bit contrived for the time being. Then again, all pilots seem like that to me. Hell, I hate the first episode of Seinfeld, but love the rest. So I'll have to keep on reading.

This was cool, but I'm a little confused. I guess it'll all be explained in the next episodes, which I now have to go and read.

But it was cool. Why can't you accept revisions, though? Are you writing it for something in particular? Not that I can think of anything you should change.