Pre Chapter 1

Just like 1 paragraph of chapter one






Chapter 1
The Coming
Sota was sitting on his bed studying. The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class. It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in. When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. The bus began to move and Sota began to sleep. He had stayed up all light studying he was very tired. He slept the whole way to school.

When they arrived the bus driver woke him up. He gestured to the bus doors. Sota exited and entered the school’s front doors.

Chapter 1
The Coming
Sota was sitting on his bed studying.

> Weak opening. Never use the name to open.
>> Description of the room (the setting) comes prior to this.

The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class.

>More telling, rephrase and show his failures to indicate this rather then telling.
>> Consider changing this or adding a reason for it.


It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in.

>First part was telling, but the rest was how you should write.
>> Change up sentance structure, instead of 'He' three times in a row and run this together and be descriptive to his body and looks rather then what he did.

When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. The bus began to move and Sota began to sleep. He had stayed up all light studying he was very tired. He slept the whole way to school.

> Again more telling. Take away this telling aspect and focus on what he does, not telling us what he DID.
>> Be a bit more descriptive. What kind of bus. What was it like outside? Who was on the bus? Why did he fall asleep.

When they arrived the bus driver woke him up. He gestured to the bus doors. Sota exited and entered the school’s front doors.

>Expand and be more descriptive.

Overall you have improved, but still there is always more to do. Consider those comments and ask yourself more questions to better portray Sota to the reader without using passive telling to do it for us.

"Instead of Sota went downstairs" you can do this.

"Sota grudingly descended the steep and dangerous staircase; over toys and shoes that lurked on the far side. Careful to avoid the loose nail protruding from the top of the stairs, he leapt off the last two with an ungraceful leap."

Maybe i overdid it...who knows. Whatever works the character.

Hey Derek!

Sota was sitting on his bed studying.

This is a rathe anemic opening line. -_- I agree with Errant that you should never start with the main character's name.

The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class.

Why does he need to get the best score in his class? :/ Be careful to avoid being a Mary-Sue. To take the test to make sure that Sota isn't one, take this test. Also, Sam wrote a great article about sidestepping Mary-Sewage.

It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in. When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. The bus began to move and Sota began to sleep. He had stayed up all light studying he was very tired. He slept the whole way to school.

This part sounds like you're in stop-and-go traffic. You are just listing events one after the other without explanation and/or imagery. To be honest, its boring to read. You should add more details and description to make this more interesting.

When they arrived the bus driver woke him up. He gestured to the bus doors. Sota exited and entered the school’s front doors.

Why not tell us what the bus driver looks like? And you really should take the time to describe Sota's reaction, using the five senses. It will increase the interest-level in this a hundredfold.


Overall, this is okay. You have a bare skeleton of a story here - just ideas and statements. Flesh it out with imagery, details and emotion. This is very sparely written - at the moment your prose is rather bland. But fear not!
I do see potential here. Just take the time to use some metaphors and similes, and this could be more interesting.

I really hope this didn't sound too harsh - I mean well and I hate to be dishonest in critiques.

Good luck with this! PM me if you have any questions or comments!

Cheers,
Camille

I think you could have used his name instead of "he" every once and a while. What about the other people in his family? Discriptions about his house would be nice, and how did he felt as he did all of those things? There wasn't much that I liked about it sadly... Basically it sort of bored me.

I was very disapointed in this piece. there is practically no description. does he live in an apartment? a house? is he in the city or country? the actions are almost a grocery list. it is all "he did this.......he went there...." alot of improvment is needed but dont be discouraged

Derek_Fantasy wrote:The final exams were coming up and he needed to get the best score in his class. It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. (...ready for school, ready for school... Repetitive, and it isn't used to great effect. Get rid of the second sentence, everything it says is in the third one anyway.) He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in. This sequence is very dull. It just repeats the same kind of sentence over and over: He did this. He did that. Use some conjunctions, commas, and start your sentences differently once in a while. Don't be afraid to experiment if you don't know how to use grammar correctly, people here will help you, and you can learn a lot from random net surfing. When he was [s]all[/s] ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited [s]for[/s] at the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. (I'll show you- Join the two sentences: "He waited at the bus stop and read for what seemed like an hour, until the bus finally arrived." If you're going to use specific times, at least describe Sota looking at his watch (or clock as before), as it is it seems contrived and doesn't flow well.) He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. The bus began to move and Sota began to sleep. He had stayed up all [s]light[/s] night studying and he was very tired. He slept the whole way to school.

When they arrived the bus driver woke him up. He gestured to the bus doors. Sota exited and entered the school’s front doors.

Your writing suffers from boring, repetitive sentences. You use the same style over and over again, don't offer any description, emotion or conversation, and I don't see at all why this is in Fantasy Fiction.

Chapter 1
The Coming
Sota was sitting on his bed studying. The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class. It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in. When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. The bus began to move and Sota began to sleep. He had stayed up all light studying he was very tired. He slept the whole way to school.

When they arrived the bus driver woke him up. He gestured to the bus doors. Sota exited and entered the school’s front doors.

This happened, period. Then this happened, period. After that, this happened, period. He did this. He did this. He did this.

O.O

My boy, it would appear your writing has a terrible case of Robotic Sentence.

Definition of Robotic Sentence:
A Sentences that would be suitable for a robot to say. Simple, basic, bare sentences.
B The equivalent of 'see Spot'.

Remedy:
Read a book and look at how they do their sentences. Chances are they have a bit more... variety. Then try to apply their techniques to your writing.

A quick (shredding) thought :

Still here? You were warned...


Who cares? Why is it important that we know he read until 7:30? Why is it important to know what he changed into, or when he put down his book? Why do we need to know every detail of his routine? Why should we care?

He's studying for finals, every student's nightmare. Okay. Great. Adds tension. But what does combing his hair have to do with anything?

You have 12 lines of text there, in MS Word. ^^ Most publishers only look at the first 18. In a novel, the chapters tend to start at the bottom half of the page. The first page, on average, has 18 lines. On average. There is no law that I know of that states the first page most be exactly 18 lines.

But the point is, you only have 18 lines to grab them, and convince them that it's worth their time to turn the page. Before you do that, you need to grab them with your first line, to convince them that it's worth their time to read the next 17.

Your 12 lines... meh.

Here's a tip. Think to the point where something happens in the story. Maybe he sees a couple of school bullies on the bus who give him a hard time. If so, start the story there, or just before. Maybe he see this girl at school and it leads to an awkward moment for him. Maybe he's late fore class and the teacher gives him a hard time.

Wherever stuff, important stuff, stuff that is important to the story, stuff that moves the plot forward, wherever that happens, that's where you need to start it. If you don't, then people don't like it. They get bored and they put it down.

You did paint a good picture of his routine. But I don't think it should be the opening of a book. The opening scene in a movie, maybe. But not a book.

Go to your local library or bookstore and read the first page of a few books. Only the first page. Then make note of why you wanted to turn the page, or why you wanted to put it down. Make note of how they started their story, too.

Nora Roberts tends to be pretty good at delivering her character on the first page, if not the first line. Yes, she's a romance writer, swallow your pride, if it interferes, and pick up one of her books. Just make sure it has her seal on it so you know it's one of her newer ones. And stay away from the Villa. That is an example of how not to start a story.

Read books. But don't just read them, look at them and see what it is they do. Compare your sentences with theirs.

Also, post a bit more of your piece next time. This was only 188 words. The minimum is 500, for posting. I'd aim for about 1000, but that's just me.

If something happened in the next 400 words, though, it could have cushioned the blow that the first 100 received, to some extent. Just and idea for future reference.

I remain firm with my first post. it is one thing if you are just bad at writing, but it is another if you are to lazy to write something that wont be wasting other peoples time.

[quote="Derek_Fantasy"]
Chapter 1
The Coming
Sota was sitting on his bed studying. The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class. It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in. When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. quote]

Look at the begining of each sentance. Sota, He, He, He, He, He, He, He, with the occasional it or the. Try and find ways to mix things up a little.

firstly, you shouldent repeat the name so close to it's last use

Sota was sitting on his bed studying

and

It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school.

And a lot of your story is told in simple sentances that you could combine so that the writing doesn't become boring in a sence. Also you don't give much discription, and all your sentances start with 'He went' or like wise start with something fresh such as 'As he walked' or 'Slowly and grudfully he climbed' if you get what I mean. And you shouldnt do times, it makes you sound like you should be writing a math essay or something to that sort.

hope to see the rest!

lulu

its me agin with sum more suggestions if you are going to actually use them. how about you delve into his thoughts a bit. is he angry for having a test. worried he wont do well. does sota have a specific reason or motivation that caused him to stay up late ex. will stay back if he doesnt pass the test.