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Second Nature- revised edition



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Tue Nov 06, 2007 12:24 am
Wolf says...



A scream shattered the silence like a projectile through glass, sending glittering shards of sound spiraling off into the night.
Poised cat-like by the riverbank, Ayra tensed, her muscles pulling taut as wires.
Outside her bower of marsh reeds, the moon-washed plains rippled gently. But the wind carried a much more sinister message...if you had a nose strong enough to smell it.
A whisper of fear brushed through her mind and she got up slowly, her expression guarded. This was what she had been waiting for...and what she had been dreading.

With steps as light as a dancer's, she crossed the threshold of drying mud and entered the grasslands. Tilting her head, she inhaled deeply, letting the heady combination of smells drift into her nose...
The rusty, metallic reek of blood and terror hit the roof of her mouth sharply, cutting like a blade.
Alarm flared in her sea-green eyes. So it's true, she thought with a kind of savage pleasure. The mighty demon has indeed come for me.
A grim smile twisted her lips and in the moonlight, her face was devastatingly beautiful; she looked like a dark goddess, vengeful and silent as the night itself.

But as the echoes of the scream rang in her ears, fear crashed over her like a wave, eroding the sandy banks of the island of her courage.
Her dark eyes flickered and flared in the silvery light, and she sank into a light crouch.
If she had to die, she would die fighting.

The leaves rustled, and moonlight fell upon the essence of nightmares.
The gleam of fangs, the sucking blackness of a dry, withered hide, and he was off, following a delicate scent trail; the scent of Ayra.

She ran.
She didn't know what else to do.
The grass was cool and lush against her legs, the night air soft on her face. If it wasn't for the fact that she was running for her life, she would have enjoyed it.
Above her, the stars twinkled coldly from the velvet stretch of the midnight sky. She raised her head to look at them, a silent plea etched on her face.

A streak in the night, the demon raced after her. She felt the vibrations of it footfalls and terror settled over her like a second skin. Her heart pounded a rhythm of fear against her chest.
Vaguely, she wondered who the scream had come from. Dark thoughts whispered from the edges of her mind; could it have been Guinevere? Or Ven?

She felt the demon's presence as many things, all around her. The air itself felt charged with electricity, the ground pulsing with lethal intent.
Life.
The thought echoed in her mind long after she first heard it; soft but bitter, symbolizing everything she was about to lose. It was all so dear to her; how could she die now, when it seemed her life had just begun?

Suddenly, the grass was limited. Instead of the endless silvery-green, she saw the sky ahead, and the distant outline of a mountain. Then it hit her.
She was on a cliff.
She wanted to slow down, to peer cautiously over the edge to see how far down she would fall, but she couldn't.
She could hear the rasping breath of the demon, too close behind her. The smell of it's hate, it's bloodlust, it's bottomless appetitie for violence, was hot on her skin. Stagnant; swamping her in fear.
Death snapped at her heels.
There was only one thing to do.
Something everyone else had done.
Something she was dreading.
Something she had only dreamed of.
The ground disappeared suddenly; an appalling drop down to the unknown. Risking a glance, she saw the dark gleam of water, far, far below her.
Too far. She wouldn't make it.
Twisting her neck, she looked up, and was surprised to see how far she had fallen. The demon, framed in silver, snarled and writhed like a heap of snakes. His eyes burned into hers, stripping her raw with the sheer force of his hatred. It scalded her, forced her to look away. But even as she reopened them, staring at the water underneath her, the image of the demon as she had seen him last was etched behind her eyes; a monstrous, gargantuan form, snarling against the backdrop of azure sky.

Don't think about that!
She scolded herself, and again shut her eyes, concentrating fiercely. She had delayed long enough; below, the water approached at a worrying speed.
A flash of blue lightning seared her mind, and-
A faint, pearly glow radiated from her body, like the frigid halo that surrounded the moon only on the coldest nights. Her slender form twisted, elongated, grew, until she was...
A wolf.
She felt the wings rather than saw them, felt the gentle whispering of feathers before the powerful updraft. The wind whiffled her lush, windswept black fur as she dove. In the moonlight, pale silver blue lines appeared on her face.
She could have laughed. The demon would never catch her now!
Soaring on velvet wings, she melted into the night like a smudge of mist.
Far below, on the stony outcropping, the demon hissed in rage and frustration. It's eyes burned with eternal flames, scorching the very air.
It was only subdued for the moment.
It would be back.
---------------------
See the original version here: topic21410.html
>>I'm going to continue after I get some feedback on this...
There is loose ends for those reading it. This is because it is only a fragment of a chapter in the novel I am writing.
What do you think?>>

IMPORTANT:
I've gotten alot of reviews of people who don't like and/or don't understand the whole turning into a wolf thing. Just to explain things:
When she turns into a wolf, she is turning into her Second nature. She is an elf, and all elves have an animal which they can transform into at will.
This was her first time in her Second Nature, as you probably guessed already.

And, about the demon stuff, I know that may seem vague but more will be revealed when I think of the actual beginning of the book...

And, my real name is not Ayra. I just made that my screen name because I have become obssessed with my story
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html
  





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Mon Nov 12, 2007 10:12 pm
SeraphTree says...



:smt027
scary warrior lady :)
Hm. What I first notice is that you use alot of similies. You should cut back on those, and add a little more detail and description. :)

She ran.
She didn't know what else to do.
The grass was cool and lush against her legs, the night air soft on her face. If it wasn't for the fact that she was running for her life, she would have enjoyed it.
Above her, the stars twinkled coldly from the velvet stretch of the midnight sky. She raised her head to look at them, a silent plea etched on her face.


Hmmmm.... warrior lady is suddenly a coward? That doesn't make any sense....
Just a few minutes ago she was like :smt021 and ready to kill the thing. Maybe she was expecting something else??

Don't think about that!
She scolded herself, and again shut her eyes, concentrating fiercely. She had delayed long enough; below, the water approached at a worrying speed.
A flash of blue lightning seared her mind, and-
A faint, pearly glow radiated from her body, like the frigid halo that surrounded the moon only on the coldest nights. Her slender form twisted, elongated, grew, until she was...
A wolf.
She felt the wings rather than saw them, felt the gentle whispering of feathers before the powerful updraft. The wind whiffled her lush, windswept black fur as she dove. In the moonlight, pale silver blue lines appeared on her face.
She could have laughed. The demon would never catch her now!
Soaring on velvet wings, she melted into the night like a smudge of mist.
Far below, on the stony outcropping, the demon hissed in rage and frustration. It's eyes burned with eternal flames, scorching the very air.
It was only subdued for the moment.
It would be back.


?????????????????????????????????????
The wolf can fly????
You need to explain this more. She has to think "oh yeah, my second form," or "Why did this happen?"

IMPORTANT:
I've gotten alot of reviews of people who don't like and/or don't understand the whole turning into a wolf thing. Just to explain things:
When she turns into a wolf, she is turning into her Second nature. She is an elf, and all elves have an animal which they can transform into at will.
This was her first time in her Second Nature, as you probably guessed already.

And, about the demon stuff, I know that may seem vague but more will be revealed when I think of the actual beginning of the book...

And, my real name is not Ayra. I just made that my screen name because I have become obssessed with my story


NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This will totally give away some important things in your story. If you simply tell us, we will already know what your going to write in some parts, and ruin your element of surprise.
Oh, about your name... :) Don't worry about that. People probably won't think it's your real one. I mean, how many names around here look real? :) :D:D:D
Keep writing. Very interesting :D If you need help, feel free to PM me. :D:D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 9:31 pm
Wolf says...



Thanks Seraph!
I'll make some changes...maybe I'll submit a revised-revised edition? :P
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 9:55 pm
SeraphTree says...



Well, writing is rewriting. :smt069
Interesting that she can fly. Can she just use the wings sometimes? :smt051
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Tue Nov 27, 2007 12:56 am
Wolf says...



I'm not sure about the wings--she can use them when she's in her elven form, and also in her Second Nature. But it's painful for her to maintain them for very long as an elf.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Tue Nov 27, 2007 3:01 am
SeraphTree says...



Just curious... :D:D:D:D
Hmmmm..... do you think she can learn to use them? It might be helpful in those tight situations. I mean, going into second nature sounds exhausting.
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:43 pm
Wolf says...



That's a cool idea!
I'll find some way to incorporate it! :D

Also, I'm going to add some stuff to this...like her thinking how she wouldn't be able to fight the demon (I've thought about how you mentioned that one minute she's all tough and the next she runs away) and more about the Second Nature thing. :)
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:14 am
SeraphTree says...



You could actually add an interesting struggle there; for example, maybe Ayra CAN use the wings, but it's extremely difficult to use them without going into Second Form, or the other way around :)+:)=:D

Well, those kind of mistakes... I think it's alright. You probably didn't notice them, and besides, your character is still developing. Just a few kinks to work out :)
:smt048
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 3:44 am
Azila says...



Ayra wrote:I'll make some changes...maybe I'll submit a revised-revised edition? :P

Actually, I think that you should just edit this and put something like 'latest version' in the subtitle.

Anyway, I'm not going to give you another line-by line, because I understand that this is still under construction, so to speak. Rather I shall give you my opinion of the piece overall.

The similes are really great and I think that they should be saved at ALL costs, but they do overpower the actual narrative a bit --leaving the reader with a feeling of 'WOW. That was amazing writing... but what actually HAPPENED??' or that's what it left me with anyway. :lol:

So Maybe you should save the similes (or the more complicated ones, anyway) for when we're NOT in the middle of a chase scene?! For the middle of action, I suggest you trim it down a bit. It just seems like a crystal chandelier, too heavy on the decoration with an extremely skimpy amount of actual foundation.

Also, the spacing. *shudder* I don't know why, but for some reason erratic spacing of paragraphs REALLY gets on my nerves and gives me an incomplete, unprofessional impression... for literature, that is. So let's cut to the chase and give you an example:

Ayra wrote:She ran.
She didn't know what else to do.
The grass was cool and lush against her legs, the night air soft on her face. If it wasn't for the fact that she was running for her life, she would have enjoyed it.
Above her, the stars twinkled coldly from the velvet stretch of the midnight sky. She raised her head to look at them, a silent plea etched on her face.

See how each sentence has its own line here (or almost)? I don't like that. :D I think you should change it to...

Ayra wrote:She ran. She didn't know what else to do. The grass was cool and lush against her legs, the night air soft on her face. If it wasn't for the fact that she was running for her life, she would have enjoyed it. Above her, the stars twinkled coldly from the velvet stretch of the midnight sky. She raised her head to look at them, a silent plea etched on her face.


Lastly (but not leastly [is that even a WORD?]) a question: you say that this is a chapter from your novel... is it the first chapter? I REALLY hope not, because starting with a chase is largely overdone and the rest of your story seems very original so I'd hate to see a cliche format. I suggest you have at least one chapter about this length to describe her normal life, then the reader gets an idea of where she's coming from.

Well, there are my two cents... I'm pretty cheap, aren't I? :lol: Anyway, I hope it helps and please don't take it too harshly.

Best of luck and please PM me when you post more or if you have questions/comments!!

~Azila~
  





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Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:17 am
Wolf says...



Wow, thanks so much! :D
That's a good idea; I'll add more about what's actually going on in the story. :P

No, this is definitely not the first Chapter. I get Writer's block every time I try to start at the beginning, so for now I'm just writing random bits from the middle. :lol: I get your point though. :wink:

The spacing--I'll change that. :) I just re-read those parts and was like, 'GAK'. I don't think 'GAK' is a word either...

Cheap? I don't think so. Your review was very helpful!

Thanks so much,
-Ayra

P•S• If you see a foggersnogg, don't eat it!!!
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Sun Dec 02, 2007 3:19 am
Eric511 says...



Wow. The story is very detailed. You really know how to paint a picture in your head. Great detail, but maybe a tad too much in some areas. But you definitely have some great stuff in there. Yeah Azila pretty much summed up everything so i dont have much to say other than Good Job.
  





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Sun Dec 02, 2007 9:01 am
Porcelain says...



*Squee*

First off, let me say: I love this concept.

Now the issues (dun dunnn DUNNNNNNNN)
I agree, the similies kill me in a way, but they add to the imagery.
The imagery is so intense, it could totally get turned down a notch and be just as effective. Really strong sense of self though.

Overall, quite a good read :)
  





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Sun Dec 02, 2007 4:59 pm
Wolf says...



:D Thanks everyone!
I'm currently editing in on a separate document and hopefully I'll be finished soon...it's hard for me to get rid of some of the detail. I just love details! :P
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Sun Dec 02, 2007 7:04 pm
Fangala the Flying Feline says...



Ayra, that was gorgeous!

Wow. I really have nothing to say. You have an incredible grasp of imagery and your story flows well. I don't know why people were so confused; it makes perfect sense to me. Then again, I used to write stuff about people changing into animals, not to mention stuff about winged canines.

Is there more to this? I hope so, because I really can't wait!
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"
  





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Sun Dec 02, 2007 9:18 pm
FlyingDream says...



Hey Ayra,
I've read your stuff before, but this is the first time I've commented...I think. :) Anyways, first of all, yes, this was very good. I liked it. But I think you can cut down on the description just a little bit. Yes, description is good, but too much doesn't sound good.

The Pros of Your Story: Description was good. You put a good image in my head. I like your character so far.

The Cons of Your Story: A leeeetle bit too much description. Try adding in some dialogue and balancing out the description a little bit.

Overall, very impressive. I can't wait to read more.
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb
  








He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
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