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.:Second Nature:.



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Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:30 pm
Wolf says...



A scream shattered the night like a pane of glass, sending glittering shards of sound spiraling off into the night.
Poised cat-like by the riverbank, Ayra tensed, her muscles pulled taut as wires.
Outside her bower of marsh reeds, the moon-washed plains rippled gently. But the wind carried a much more sinister message...if you had a nose strong enough to smell it.
A whisper of fear brushed through her mind and she got up slowly, her expression guarded. This was what she had been waiting for. This was what she had been dreading.

With steps as light as a dancers, she crossed the threshold of drying mud and entered the grasslands. Tilting her head, she inhaled deeply, letting the heady combination of smells drift into her nose...
The rusty, metallic reek of blood and terror hit the roof of her mouth sharply, cutting like a blade.
Alarm flared in her sea-green eyes.So it's true, she thought with a kind of savage pleasure. The mighty demon has indeed come for me.
A grim smile twisted her lips and in the moonlight, her face was devastatingly beautiful; she looked like a dark goddess, vengeful and silent as the night itself.

But as her keen ears caught the echoes of the fading scream, she leapt into action, flexing her legs before darting swiftly behind a holly bush.
Dark eyes watched the forest with a strange expression; half pleasure, half fear.
But she couldn't stop time. It was going to come for her, no matter how long she hid.

The leaves rustled, and moonlight fell upon the essence of nightmares.
The gleam of fangs, the sucking blackness of a dry, withered hide, and he was off, following a delicate scent trail; the scent of Ayra.

She ran.
She didn't know what else to do.
The grass was cool and lush against her legs, the night air soft on her face. If it wasn't for the fact that she was running for her life, she would have enjoyed it.
Above her, the stars twinkled coldly from the velvet stretch of the midnight sky. She raised her head to look at them, a silent plea etched on her face.

A streak in the night, the demon raced after her. She felt the vibrations of it footfalls and terror settled over her like a second skin. Her heart pounded a rhythm of fear against her chest.
Vaguely, she wondered who the scream had come from. Dark thoughts whispered from the edges of her mind; could it have been Guinevere? Or Zelle?
Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them back.

But what a lovely night to die, she thought abstractedly, taking in everything around her; the lush fields, the azure, star-strewn sky.
It was all so dear to her, how could she give it up? How could she die, when it seemed her life had just begun?


Suddenly, the grass was limited. Instead of the endless silvery-green, she saw the sky ahead, and the distant outline of a mountain. Then it hit her.
She was on a cliff.
She wanted to slow down, to peer cautiously over the edge to see how far down she would fall, but she couldn't.
She could hear the rasping breath of the demon, too close behind her. The smell of it's hate, it's bloodlust, it's bottomless appetitie for violence, was hot on her skin. Stagnant; swamping her in fear.
Death snapped at her heels.
There was only one thing to do.
Something everyone else had done.
Something she was dreading.
Something she had only dreamed of.
The ground disappeared suddenly; an appalling drop down to the unknown. Risking a glance, she saw the dark gleam of water, far, far below her.
Too far. She wouldn't make it.
A faint, pearly glow radiated from her body, like the frigid halo that surrounded the moon only on the coldest nights. Her slender form twisted, elongated, grew, until she was...
A wolf.
She felt the wings rather than saw them, felt the gentle whispering of feathers before the powerful updraft. The wind whiffled her lush, windswept black fur as she dove. In the moonlight, pale silver blue lines appeared on her face.
She could have laughed. The demon would never catch her now!
Soaring on velvet wings, she melted into the night like a smudge of mist.
Far below, on the stony outcropping, the demon hissed in rage and frustration. It's eyes burned with eternal flames, scorching the very air.
It was only subdued for the moment.
It would be back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I'm going to continue after I get some feedback on this...
There is loose ends for those reading it. This is because it is only a fragment of a chapter in the novel I am writing.
What do you think?>>

IMPORTANT:
I've gotten alot of reviews of people who don't like and/or don't understand the whole turning into a wolf thing. Just to explain things:
When she turns into a wolf, she is turning into her Second nature. She is an elf, and all elves have an animal which they can transform into at will.
This was her first time in her Second Nature, as you probably guessed already.

And, about the demon stuff, I know that may seem vague but more will be revealed when I think of the actual beginning of the book...

And, my real name is not Ayra. I just made that my screen name because I have become obssessed with my story :lol:
Last edited by Wolf on Tue Oct 30, 2007 12:52 am, edited 8 times in total.
  





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Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:38 pm
Azila says...



Very nice! Honestly, I really don't see why nobody has critiqued this.

The only main suggestion that I have (before I get on to the nit-picks) is that you don't have very much description in the middle. It's there in the beginning (beautiful image of the rippling field!) and the end (with the lake and all) but the middle is pretty much only her thoughts... you don't HAVE to change that if you intended to do it, but being setting-obsessed like I am, I thought I'd point it out :wink: Just something to think about.

...A scream shattered the night like a pane of glass, sending glittering shards of sound spiraling off into the night.

Lovely description here, BTW :wink: But something about starting with an ellipses (...) just isn't my cuppa tea. Be more decisive, more sure of yourself
and nix the ellipses.

Outside her bower of marsh reeds, the moon washed plains rippled gently.

I think you should hyphenate "moon washed" thus making it "moon-washed"

This was what she had been waiting for. This was what she had been dreading.

Hmm... you're contradicting yourself here. But I think you meant to do it, didn't you? To make that more clear try saying "This was what she had been waiting for... and what she had been dreading."

With steps as light as a dancers, she crossed the threshold of drying mud and entered the grasslands.

Make "dancers" possessive, thus "dancers'".

A grim smile twisted her lips, and in the moonlight, her face was devastatingly beautiful;

Delete the comma after "lips"

If it wasn't for the fact that she was running for her life, she would have enjoyed it.

Hehehe! I love that bit. And I can totally relate; I love running at night.

Instead of the endless, silvery-green, she saw the sky ahead, and the distant outline of a mountain.

Delete the comma after "endless"
---------------

So yea, very nice overall. PLEASE don't take all my nit-ppicks too harshly, they're well-meant. :D

See ya around!
~Azila
  





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Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:40 pm
Wolf says...



Thanks!
I'll just go edit some things ^^
P.s.- I adore running at night too!
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Sat Oct 27, 2007 10:21 pm
Meep says...



Ayra wrote:A scream shattered the night like a pane of glass, sending glittering shards of sound spiraling off into the night.

Okay, there are a few things wrong with this sentence.
First, it's cliché and the prose is purple.
Second, you used "night" twice. I don't think the scream shattered the night; it probably shattered the quiet of the night like a projectile through a pane of glass.

Ayra wrote:Poised cat-like by the riverbank, Ayra tensed, her muscles pulled taut as wires.

I say this whenever someone has the same username as their characters (I'm guilty of it, too): check out the Mary Sue litmus test, just in case. (Actually, it's worth checking out either way.)

Ayra wrote:But the wind carried a much more sinister message...if you had a nose strong enough to smell it.

Elipsis ("...") are used for indicating omitted text. This should be a comma, or have no punctuation there at all.

Ayra wrote:Alarm flared in her sea-green eyes....
A grim smile twisted her lips and in the moonlight, her face was devastatingly beautiful; she looked like a dark goddess, vengeful and silent as the night itself.

What does alarm look like, and how does it flare in one's eyes?
Her stunning beauty makes me wary, especially knowing you use her name as a pseudonym/user name. She's starting to sound more and more like a Mary Sue.

Ayra wrote:The grass was cool and lush against her legs, the night air soft on her face. If it wasn't for the fact that she was running for her life, she would have enjoyed it.

I liked the second sentence. It seems like the exact sort of detached thought that so often comes to people when they're terrified or panicked.

Ayra wrote:Suddenly, the grass was limited. Instead of the endless silvery-green, she saw the sky ahead, and the distant outline of a mountain. Then it hit her.
She was on a cliff.

"Limited" here does not make much sense. Maybe just take that sentence out entirely, starting the paragraph with "Instead of ..."
It's also worth noting that this is notoriously cliché. (Where do you think the word "cliffhanger" comes from?)

Ayra wrote:A faint, pearly glow radiated from her body, like the frigid halo that surrounded the moon only on the coldest nights. Her slender form twisted, elongated, grew, until she was...
A wolf.
She felt the wings rather than saw them, felt the gentle whispering of feathers before the powerful updraft. The wind whiffled her lush, windswept black fur as she dove. In the moonlight, pale silver blue lines appeared on her face.
She could have laughed. The demon would never catch her now! She was a wolf; beautiful, strong, eternal.

Oh, God. Winged Wolves are almost an insta!fail unless you have a darned good explanation. I wish I could say something nice about this bit, but no ... they're just way too "speshul" for me to take seriously. (This is really a matter of personal preference, but I have to say it.)
Also, talk about dues ex machina, eh? Just randomly, suddenly turns into a wolf with no apparent prior magical system of any sort known (to her) or explained (to the reader)? You should at least give some indication of a magical system.

---
In terms of the story itself, starting with a chase scene is quite overdone. It's like a cheap action flick opening scene, you know? (It's better than an infodump, though, which means that you're getting somewhere.)

Your characters, so far, are quite uninteresting. It's important that your story grab your readers right off the bat, and one good way to make them keep reading is to make them care about the characters. Why should we care about Ayra, some random girl we just met? Make the reader hold their breath while she's running, and then stop breathing all together when she jumps/falls from the cliff. Only let them breathe again when she grows wings and turns into a wolf. Make sense?
✖ I'm sick, you're tired. Let's dance.
  





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Sat Oct 27, 2007 11:00 pm
Wolf says...



Ouch.
Lay off, will you? I'm only 12!
I mean, I appreciate your review, but don't you have any constructive critisism? Anything that you liked about it?
I'm sorry if I sound immature, but I mentioned that this was only a fragment of a chapter I'm writing.
And no, my real name is not Ayra. I just made that my screen name because I've become obssessed with my story.
About the wolf thing, that is all explained earlier in the Chapter. But I understand your point.
One last thing; what does cliche mean?

[EDIT] Aaaah! Did I actually type this? *dies of shame* I'm so sorry, Meep - it must have been the other Ayra!
Last edited by Wolf on Sun Feb 17, 2008 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Sat Oct 27, 2007 11:09 pm
Meep says...



A cliché is something that's so overused that it stops being interesting, unless it's used in parody (and those eventually become cliché, too). An example would be "once upon a time..." or the "wise old man" archetype (eg: Yoda, Gandalf, Dumbledore, et cetera).

... and, er, that was me being nice. I don't see anything unconstructive about my review; it wasn't a flame or an attack, just an honest (and slightly tempered) opinion. (Also, note that I said pseudonym - that is, a fake name.) I did mention what I particularly enjoyed, if you re-read: the line about how she might've enjoyed it.

Lastly (though I've addressed your points in opposite order), don't use your age as an excuse. A writer (or any artist) should strive to be good in their field, not merely better than average for their age (though that helps, too).
✖ I'm sick, you're tired. Let's dance.
  





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Sat Oct 27, 2007 11:12 pm
Wolf says...



Oh. :oops:
Well, I'll just go and review some stuff...:roll:
I didn't think of it being cliche..I just thought one night that maybe I should make the scene where she first discovers her Second Nature a chase. Sure, I've read books with scenes were someone is running away from something else, but...I didn't think it was cliche.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Sun Oct 28, 2007 12:55 am
Weatherthestorm says...



Ouch. Clockwork angel was a tad rough. I agree with some of the things that were mentioned. I didn't understand the magic-turning-into-a-wolf thing. I'm still waiting for the story to develop some more, so I won't be all over your throat about that. I think that so far, it's coming along momentuosly. At some point, however, you are going to need some exposition come into play. I enjoy your entusiasm, and so far, you're pulling it off, but you can't just pick up a story in media res and then just take off. I'm hooked. I know it's sometimes difficult to get to a good place where you can allow for flashbacks or whatever it is you plan to do. I'd definitely like to see some more though. SO, keep up the good work, maybe be more careful with writing it. Maybe you could write/type it out and then read it aloud to yourself and then with another person before you post it. I'll keep watching for more of the story.
A poet must take the thorns so that others may enjoy the roses that have been made red through no act of nature.
  





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Sun Oct 28, 2007 1:49 pm
Wolf says...



No kidding^^
Well...maybe I'm not cut out to be an author?
So far; my characters are uninteresting, my magical phenomenons are too "speshul", my scenes are cliche and only one sentence is good.
Well!
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Sun Oct 28, 2007 2:17 pm
Stori says...



Sure you're "cut out". You just need some polishing. For instance, what does the girl look like? Is she tall, short, pretty?

And why exactly does she think a demon has come for her?
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

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Brian Jacques
  





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Sun Oct 28, 2007 2:20 pm
Wolf says...



Thanks^^
I was just having a discouraged moment :lol:
I mentioned that she was beautiful (more about that in the rest of the book; she's an elf)
Alas, I am guilty of not explaining about the demon. More of that will be revealed later on :D
Last edited by Wolf on Mon Oct 29, 2007 12:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Oct 29, 2007 12:01 am
Gwenevire says...



Wow!
Everyone said all of it! :D
All I have to say that your work was great!
My one suggestion though is...You should end the last bit differently...I dono...something different. Sorry for the bad help but the last sentence just does not sound well to me! XD Ah I will just shut-up!
Good work!
  





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Mon Oct 29, 2007 12:02 am
Wolf says...



Thanks Gwen! :D
You should write something so I can review it!
Pwease!
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Mon Oct 29, 2007 6:39 am
Weatherthestorm says...



I wasn't saying you're a bad author. Au contrair (pardon my French[no pun intended]), I was quite pleased with the work, but there just isn't enough of it. I'm waiting for there to be more content. You keep teasing me with these short little snippets and it's got me hooked and since I look for more plot related things and content, I can't offer too much because I'm rather bad at the plain proof reading. I'm sorry if I sounded otherwise. I really think that these pieces are good and I always check to see if there's more.
A poet must take the thorns so that others may enjoy the roses that have been made red through no act of nature.
  





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Sun Nov 25, 2007 9:36 pm
canislupis says...



This definitely had promise, and I think I have to disagree with Meep:

"Don't use your age as an excuse

I think my opinnion may be slightly biased on that point,:roll: but I think she could have cut you a bit of slack. :) Especially since this was one of the first things you posted, that kind of review can be really discouraging, and definitely not all that helpful. Reviews are supposed to be an oppourtunity to help the person improve the piece, not to tell them how horrible you think it is. :roll: I guess this is just a matter of oppinion though.

About the story, I thought you had a very interesting start, and you definitely shouldn't abandon this.
  








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