Young Writers Society

In full with major edits at: topic21417.html

Good! No major problems I can see. The only gammatical error was that you were missing a comma here.

Then bye, I suppose

I could make out small humid shapes make great leaps in the distance. Some Armour squadrons had broken through.

This doesn't make sense. The armour couldn't have broken though several seconds after the alarm sounded because
1. Sieges, especially against town with "impressive" stone walls take a while
2. Alarms would be souded before the enemy got too close
3. Someone must have resisted them before they got to the wall

But, if you fix that, you've got an awesome first chapter. I can't wait to read more.

Ah, about the point with armour. In this world, battle technology has taken a strange twist. To avoid any more misunderstandings, I suppose I should talk about porting. Porting is the ability to transport mass across large distances in a small amount of time, even through objects (like the wall for example). But the amount of energy it takes stops entire armies being ported everywhere all the time. Hope that clears things up.

When I first read this, I noticed your writing style has matured and is very fludic to read. Your descriptions riveted well and are neatly linked to your character. This in turn added a surprising kind of depth to your characters and creates this pleasant mood. I like ^^

I like how you use the concept of fantasy and apply it to a modern day setting. You didn't dump us with what the place looked like, but rather describe it as your characters interact with it themselves which is clever.

Plot wise, it has a firm base. I'm curious as to why the alarm went off and the deal with the dudues in magical/sci fci armour.

The bad things about the story is that I think you used too many characters. Your MC's friends do not interest me because they were not distinguished well enough and they feel like a cookie cut. Your MC however was different, you showed his character well. I'm also interested in Elayna too. I like how your MC meets this cute girl through chance and through her actions and dialogue, I have a good feel about her.

Hrmm. Currently, the story doesn't have anything that makes me go "Wow!". I think it is because it currently portrays any thought provoking ways to present the themes. Underneath the story, there is nothing. This is a hard thing to do and you don't have to do it. Do your best to find original ways to present a theme or conflict. Link this to the characters' emotions and the reasons on the things that they do in the time they are alive.

Overall, it was good. I hope this helped.

Ok, first off this confused me. First you had a quote, they third person, then first. That's not so good.

So, either name the character beforehand or start a new chapter. That's my best advice.

Hi,
This was a very good chapter. I couldn't find anything wrong, and it really intrigued me. Your style was so clear, and the names...I like your names. And Elayna's character.
Keep writing!

Thanks for all of your opinions. Made some minor changes as some of you suggested. I'll have part 2 up by the end of the week.

Fantasyartist,

Here is the crit I owe you. As always with my reviews, first comes the line-by-line crit, and the impressions, likes/dislikes. I see that you already have quite a lot of critiques on this piece, but I would like to read the first part before going on.

Quote:
though there are titles which describes what a mancer does such as Elemancer
Describes = describe. Typo, I think ^_^ Also, comma after ‘does’? Edit: Another thing: Should ‘mancer’ be capitalized? A bit down it is. Or is it the other way around?

Quote:
Although the types of magic are varied they can be broadly categorised into what are called aspects.
Comma after ‘varied’. I spell categorized with a ‘z’, but I assume that what you have up there is the English spelling?

Quote:
Although a Mancer employs all of them to a degree, each has their own way utilising their powers.
I think you are missing something.

Quote:
A cry from a gull quickly distracted her and her attention turned to the white birds soaring free in the air.
The ‘her and her’ part sounds a tad bit awkward. Now, I wouldn’t actually be so picky if you weren’t such a good writer, lol. Rephrasing wouldn’t be such a bad idea, but I suppose it can stay as it is.

Quote:
Shaking herself out of her reverie she spun around in a pirouette with a laugh attracting glances from several people.
Her personality really comes out at this point. Very nice! Comma, though, after ‘reverie’, and before ‘with’.

Quote:
Elayna could see the buildings of the town of Raile flanked by the golden strip that was the beach
Comma before ‘flanked’.

Quote:
Seeing the buildings that made up the Raile academy of science and magic,
Everything is perfect with this sentence, but if the part after ‘Raile’ were capitalized, the name of the school, and the school itself, would stand out more.

Quote:
On the lid side was a compass while on the other face was a watch which read two thirty.
Comma before ‘while’.

Quote:
“Get the ball Seth!”
Comma before ‘Seth’

Quote:
I tried to dive to hit the ball but instead my feet slipped and I fell to the ground in a shower of sand.
Here I am not entirely sure, mind you, but comma before ‘but’? With ‘but’, it’s always weird, and I always argue with everyone when it comes to it… So now I just write that I’m not entirely sure, lol. Next sentence: Comma before ‘following’

Quote:
Nate stood over me with a grin on his face; offering a hand.
Nate, lol. : ) But the semicolon should be deleted.

Quote:
I took it and pulled myself off the floor then brushed the sand of my clothes.
Comma before ‘then’

Quote:
“No matter; were losing ten to six anyway,”Typo up there, with ‘were’, yes?

Quote:
said Cassie, glaring at the dark haired boy on the other side of the net who waved back to her cheerily in reply.
This is a bit awkward. Maybe a comma before ‘who’ would fix this, and then perhaps delete ‘to her’.

Quote:
He might have been enjoying it but for the rest of us it was turning into a chore.
Comma before ‘but’. here I am sure.

Quote:
“Not giving up are you Seth?”Comma before ‘Seth.’

Quote:
“Do you? Then bye I suppose,”
Comma issue again. Before ‘I’, and next sentence: after ‘behind’.

Quote:
then moved through the town centre and after another twenty minutes of walking the buildings of the academy came within sight.
Comma before ‘the’.

Quote:
I flashed my pass to the guard who let me through and headed for the office of Master Ceric.
As it is, it sounds awkward. Rephrase it?

Quote:
However, as she jumped on another post it suddenly wobbled as its weak foundation gave way and she lost her balance.
Comma after ‘post’.

Quote:
Luckily I was close enough by that point to simply take quick steps forwards and catch her before she dashed herself against the paved path. I managed to neatly catch her but in the process I slipped on something and fell. ‘Catch’ and then ‘catch’ again. ^_^

Quote:
I swept a hand across the back of my head but I couldn’t feel any blood.
Couldn’t = didn’t?

Quote:
She looked as if she was around my age so I was sure she wasn’t a new apprentice.
Comma before ‘so’.

Quote:
I think he could be lost, we haven‘t been in Raile for a while” she replied.
Comma.

Quote:
My curiosity aroused, I was about to ask her a few more questions but my thoughts were shattered by a loud wailing sound that pierced the air.
Rephrase this? Or add a comma. Easier to add comma.


Okay, we are done with the oh-so-boring-grammar-issues. As you see, a lot of the quotes concern commas. Who doesn’t love commas, yes? If you think I’m wrong with one of those, and there is a chance that I am, don’t hesitate to tell me that : )

I have to say, this story intrigued me. At first I had ‘alien’ and ‘ok’ quoted, with a comment that they didn’t fit into the word, but then I reread it all - after the ‘science’ part - and came across names such as ‘Jake’. And so I deleted those quite stupid comments. An alternate world, how interesting…

I really like your descriptions, they are very vivid, especially the ones from Elayna’s POV. Very, very nice. The two MCs are real and 3d, and you made the reader care for them, which is automatically gives you like tens of thousands of points. I have, though, just one tiny little concern when it comes to characters: Jake was a bit flat. (Yes, I know he is a side-kick, but we aim for perfection. And then I have to be nitpicky about something, yes? And the part when Nate follows him - add some tags, show more emotion there, because that part is abit 2-d.)

Like flytodreams, I have to say that Elayna’s character is brilliant. Also, I’ll keep your advice (concerning Lissie Darcesty) in mind. ^_^

Other than that, things that do not fit neatly into any category:

Quote:
Elayna loved the feeling of flight;
Hm, I don’t really like the choice of words here. Does Elayna know how to fly? If yes, then ignore me, but if no, then how can she love the feeling?

Ending notes: A simply visual correction, nothing more: The part before ‘Elayna’ and the excerpt - space? That also applies to when the POV changes. And extra space between the POV of the C before and the new one would not hurt.

I’ll check out the next installment as soon as I can,
Esme

Thanks Esme .

Yes, I'm not very good with commas. Bane to my writing they are. And Elayna does know how to fly, sort of...

EDIT: Not wanting to clog or bump...(was below)

Yes.....with wings!

O_o Elayna is very, very cool.


Edit: (Not wanting to post anothe rpost...) Oooooh. (To below).

Fantasyartist wrote:Chapter 1 - An Apprentice in Raile

Mancery: The art of drawing eldritch from the winds of magic and manipulating it to one’s own uses. The craftsmen and women of Mancery are referred to as mancers in the broader sense, though there are titles which describe what a mancer does, such as Elemancer (a mancer skilled at manipulating the elements) or Necromancer (a mancer skilled in the arts of death magic, closely associated with the undead). Although the types of magic are varied, they can be broadly categorised into what are called aspects. The aspects are the elements, light and darkness, body and mind, fel magic, and ethereal magic (the most difficult to use). Although a Mancer employs all of them to a degree, each has their own way utilising their powers.

That was a bit of an info dump, I dont think that is a good way to open up a chapter, especially the first chapter since it's a lot of information thrown at the reader. Not to mention it's in dictionary format and no one wants to read a dictionary.

Fantasyartist wrote:“Hard luck,” said a voice and I rolled over onto my back. Nate stood over me with a grin on his face, offering a hand. I took it and pulled myself off the floor then brushed the sand off my clothes.

Fantasyartist wrote:“Typical of Jack to be too competitive,” said Cassie, glaring at the dark haired boy on the other side of the net who waved back [s]to [/s]cheerily in reply. It was Jack who had organised the volleyball match to take advantage of the good weather. He might have been enjoying it, but for the rest of us it was turning into a chore.

Fantasyartist wrote: “I need to pick up a parcel at the courier station.” When we came to the road he said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you then.” I said farewell to him and he then took the opposite direction to where I had to go.

That was pretty rough. The transition was too weak and too fast. It couldn't support itself. It was also very wordy, which really drug your story down. I think that whole section needs to be reworked.

Fantasyartist wrote:The girl hurriedly got off [s]me[/s] and peered at me.

A few things, you info dumped a lot. When you do this it removes the reader from the story and makes everything drag. That's why i suggested not opening with what you have. It immediately drags the story and provides no real hook to grab us with.

The charaters are borderline, some fo them, like Seth and Elayna seem to have a fairly well developed persona. The supporting cast however is very bland and unrealistic. They remind of computer bots. Very stiff and rigid.

The supporting cast is needed to push the MC's personality through by testing and pushing it with their own. It would be a good idea to create character profiles for everyone who appears in your novel. even the most minor character. The more you know about the people you are writing about the easier it is to write about them.

Your Dialogue was pretty fluidic. It was off and on in some places, but over all that was the best part of the piece.

Descriptions were a little lacking as far as charaters go. I never really got a good grasp of what they look like.

Try and stick to a single point of view, like first or third. I didn't like the swap when you changed from the Elayna to Seth. Changing characters is fine, but try and keep a consistent view point.

An overview, Watch your info dumps, try and add some descriptions without telling us. Work on showing to help remove the info dumps. Maybe work on character profiles to help you with your characterization.

This looks like a good start. I think it could very easily be worked into a powerful fantasy piece. The world is set up well and it has a very ormal feel for being fantasy. I like it.

Ok, some general comments as a watchful reader I made.

1) Elayna's POV was nicely done, I got a real sense of reality of your world and character through her.

2) I moved on to Seth's scene and I faced a mess. Its all very, very confusing and thrown at us in the first person. The shift was fairly difficult to follow too, but not a big problem. It may be better to open up your story in the first then shift to third - from personal to less personal could be a better way of doing things.

3)Vary your sentence type in the first. Dont always start with "I" - you may find it beneficial to change some things around in terms of syntax. You throw us into a situation we know nothing about. Im still confused about the game and whats happing at the start of Seth's scene.

4) In the first person you have fallen into the trap of dictating every move of what the persona is doing: "I did this, then I did that.." syndrome. In the first, I dont think this is necessary at all. In fact, Seth's POV may be better in the third altogether, Im not sure if he is deep enough or unique enough to deserve the first person, I may be corrected later on. Ask yourself this: is there a reason for having Seth in the first person, if there isnt I would suggest changing to the third...

5)Ok, I have a load of new terms in the piece which aren't really explained fully enough for me, as a reader, to understand or feel. Some of your ideas are really abstract in terms of reality - I'd like just a tiny bit more explanation of terms and groups of people etc.... And not in the form of an infodump.

An interesting, well written piece. And Im not ending on that note because its standard. I liked your work as a whole but as a literature student I had to niggle at the five points I have explained above.

Hey phorcys, thanks for the crit. I am thinking of moving Seth to third person now seeing as my first draft got destroyed. The first person is starting to annoy me. I've reworked the transition scenes for Seth (well, on my computer anyway) and the information is really explained as the characters encounter them. I'm working on incoporating more without info-dumping though.

Again, thanks for taking time to crit!