Young Writers Society

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instrument out of the mod puddle

-I think you mean mud puddle.

The room snapped into place, holding their fists in front of them and not moving a muscle.

-It sounds as if the room itself moves. It's better to say 'everyone in the room snapped into place...'

The blue Ford Explorer made its way through the rain.

-I advise you to atart it with an 'A' as we have not been exposed to it before.

As the light turned green, a rush of panic filled Colin.

-I've inserted an 'as' to make the sentence sound better.

“Wait!” Alice had barely moved an inch before slamming on the brakes.

“What!” A car flew through the light, colliding with one of the oncoming vehicles. “Holy crap!” Alice stared at the wreck a moment before turning her eyes on Colin, “How…”

“I saw him,” Colin lied. How could he have seen anything in the down pour? She still stared, not really believing him. “We should go help.” Colin opened his door and walked out into the rain

-I got a bit lost at this point as I wasn't exactly sure who was doing what. Was Alice driving? But I'm inclined to think she wasn't.

“Want a ride?”

“Thanks.”

-Not sure who's talking.

They rode in silence until Colin’s house came into view.

I’m sixteen, I don’t (need?) you to hold my hand.”

Anyway, I really like the order of atlantis. The above may be a long list, but I love it all the same. There are no major problems involving plot and character and grammer can be sorted liek that *click*. You certainly held all my attention throughtout a long piece, something that is hard to do. I can see something likt this being pulished.

Sup Adam. Time to nitpick (nitpicking means that your piece is good and that they are only picking on minor errors )

Tomorrow will be our first show and we've got a song and a half charted. Still some rough spots, but Hendry High only has a half of their first song charted.

I don't like "charted" being used twice like that.

It was nearly three in the morning when Colin drifted into a dreamless sleep.

Dreamless works but problem is that there isn't such things as a dreamless sleep. You do dream everynight but tend to forgot most of it. Maybe use another word to show that he didn't remember his dream? lol sorry was being real nit picky there.

Was she actually being nice, something she rarely ever displayed to Colin.

Looks like the question mark got eaten.

Review:

Man i'm starting to be a fan of this. Quite original and I like how you developed your characters. This reminds me of Cardcaptor Sakura and W.I.T.C.H in terms of starting the story with a normal human. However, you've done it better I believe.

Overall, I liked this. Throughly enjoyed it. Sorry if my review was short, it's very hard to say something when a written piece is very good.

The descriptions and character development is wonderful, not to mention your brilliant plot set up. I have one thing that wasn't too clear, why was Colin's mother so mean? Was it just that she hated him, or was it because of his powers (Again, Great Set Up)? If this becomes more obvious as the novel goes on, then you've got not only a good mind but a great plot vehicle, but if it doesn't become more obvious as the novel goes on, it needs to. There were a few grammatical errors, but everyone else has posted those, and everyone makes those little errors of forgetting to put a word here or not use a comma there. You've got a great set up and I can't wait to read the rest of your story.!

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“Holy hell!” the cut grew together in an instant, leaving no sign of ever being there.

I think there is a puncuation error here. It seems like it.

He thought of the girl from yesterday, he wound had sealed up after Colin placed his hand on it.

A bit confusing. Try rewording it so that it is cleaner to read.

Very little talking happened in this class.

I know what you mean but doesn't read right. I think you should reword it.

They hurried into the uniform room and collected there’s before the Tri-Hags came in.

Their's.

“Of course,” she didn’t event think about it.

Even, not event.

Oh my gosh! I love this chapter! The pacing is very good and I love the mystery that surrounds this chapter. Your descriptions are amazing and I could picture this very clearly.

The way this was written kept my interest throughout. So kudos to you for that because very few stories had kept my interest on YWS.

I can see something like this being published.

Keep going! I'm hooked.

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Another good chapter. Nice pace and interesting turn of events. I liked chapter 2 more though, because of the mystery that surrounds that chapter. I also noticed you used common teenage sterotypes in the first half of the story. I think it's ok to use it in this context but I'm never a fan of the sterotype. It's just that adults and the media refer to it so much that it has became a cliche and well...I'm just annoyed at it. It's my personal opinion but yeah I'm letting you know.

The chapter doesn't really say much, besides the fact that three people from Atlantis is going to take him there. Still, I will read on and find the plot to this.

Andy

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Judging from the title, this chapter was quite predictable. I think it could had been more metaphoric or something that doesn't reveal the conflict in the chapter.

I won't do a line to line because the words you chose fits very well and it just flows.

You describe things which are important. Never too much, never too less. It keeps track to the storyline. It is straight up and to the point. Good job on that.

I noticed the transition between scenes is a bit weak. The reader needs to read it carefully to understand what's happening. The link between the scenes could had been better enforced.

The action scene was well described. Simple and effective. I think it could had been more drawn out and a bit more detailed, but that's just my thoughts.

The ending isn't very good for this chapter and could had been expanded on. It was just awkward and doesn't really make the reader interested on what's happening next.

Overall though, I enjoyed reading this chapter and I wonder what fate lies ahead for our hero Colin. One thing though, in chapter 3, the threesome could had abducted Colin. Why in chapter 4? That could be explained more.

Good job Adam

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“Because you need to know, you’ve been denying yourself for along time.”

Meant to be "a long".

He white wall cracked down the middle; light shown through, pulsing with silent tranquility.

He?

This chapter is quite powerful. The dream revealed an important part of of Colin's life and it appears his past will play a major role in this story. The plot thickens!

Stylistically, it flowed along quite nicely. I think the link between the dream and reality needs to be stronger as I had to reread it twice to get myself back on track. Near the ending, I think there could be a bit more explaining.

For example:

The screams and yells from below were unheard from the rushing wind and grinding earth.

Who was screaming anyways?

Overall, pretty good. Waits for next chapter.

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I see now, that you are far to enshrouded in light to be of any use to me. Thus, you must be disposed of.

Excellent dialogue. However, isn't it "too" enshrouded?

Colin rolled off the side of the tall asphalt pillar.

I'm a bit confused here. What does the pillar look like? How can you roll off the side of it like that?

Air rushed by as the ground came closer.

Oh, now I get it lol. So they were facing each other on pillars and as Cassendra casted a spell, Collin roll dodged but went off the pillar.

Colin fell to his knees, wishing he had never made friends with them, wishing that he could have just been normal. Wishing Jared was alive.

Wishing Jared was alive doesn't work as a sentence itself. Find a way to link them together.

Bertha pointed her short chubby finger; an old tree limb lifted from the forest floor, spiraled forth and pierced the witch. With a last, shuddering gasp, he hit the ground.

You mentioned "witch" then you said he hit the ground. Aren't witches female unless I misread this?

“You will be a great asset to my master,” came a clear, cold voice. Only one person Colin knew had a tone so void of emotion, Cassandra. The hood flickered like static on a television before her face took its place.

“Give me back my son.” The darkness shattered, lights flickered back on, the stars shone high above and the buildings returned to life. Two shadowed forms were coming forward. Colin moved closer, trying to see. As their feet came into light the scene faded to the White Room.

This bit reminds me of the starting sequences of Kingdom Hearts 2 when you are playing as Roxas in Twilight Town. It gave me that feeling.

Review:

I noticed now that you use a fast pace sort of writing style. You use words that are relevant and make good use of it. The dialogue in this chapter rocks! It makes the characters very real and believable and shows how developed they are, not to mention that it was well thought out ( I would never had been able to think of saying stuff like that)

The boss fight I felt was a bit confusing. I think you could had expanded the environment of the fight a bit more as I had to reread some parts to get what you were saying. Overall, quite enjoyable, especially the ending (it really thickens the plot)

Looking forward to next chapter.

“Show some respect!” Cassandra struck his face

Although I know it's Colin's face being slapped, it would look better if you introduced him into the chapter with his name instead of 'him' (hope I made sense there).

I like your work so far, and your dialogue in this chapter is particularly good.