Hope

Hope




I left behind my dreams along a desert highway

I spilled my pitcher of faith into the Dead Sea

I let go and watched my soul spread its wings, and float away from me

I had given up without a doubt

Feeling hollow from the inside out

I was enclosed in my own bleakness

All I felt I had left was weakness

Dry mouthed, and dreary eyed

Words can’t express what I conceal inside

Yet still deep down, was an invisible streak of hope

For this I did not have to grope

I knew somehow the sun would shine

And with it each cloud will have a silver line

It was time for a bad past to be forgotten

For that last bit of hope, not to rotten

So I shut my eyes, then opened wide

No more pain I felt inside

All new dreams flood my head

A spark of faith begins to spread

An all new me is here today

And may I say, I’m here to stay.

I'm about to give you the fullest critique I've done since... ever. Be thankful.

Anyway, as a whole you have a pretty sound piece here, but its a bit hollow. Not hollow as in lacking emotion (there was plenty of that!) but hollow in that it was like you don't have a full poem that can exist in the woods of literature without getting eaten. (Sorry, you'll notice that I tend to get sidetracked) However, I do believe that with a bit of work we can get this thing to fight off predators.

The first thing I noticed is that the first line appears to be floating above the poem and not doing anything. It doesn't have a rhyming partner, which is fine if you're going to have other such lines, but in a poem where every set of two lines rhyme but one is left alone, it reads a bit funny. Either Add in another line or drop it. I suggest the former. Moving on:

I spilled my pitcher of faith into the Dead Sea
I let go and watched my soul spread its wings, and float away from me
I had given up without a doubt
Feeling hollow from the inside out

You'll get my biggest comment at the end of my post, but let's say I have a personal problem (actually more of a preferance) with something you did here, and in most of this piece. I also suggest changing a bit of the wording. The way you have your soul spreading its wings and floating away from you, you make it sound like something almost pleasant. Try to use stronger and more descriptive language to capture the loss of a soul better.

I was enclosed in my own bleakness
All I felt I had left was weakness
Dry mouthed, and dreary eyed
Words can’t express what I conceal inside

Perhaps my biggest problem with this whole thing is the last line here. When writing poetry about your feelings, NEVER say words can't express it. Expressing what you conceal inside is the whole point of writing, not jus here but in absolutely anything you write. Aside from that, the only other thing is I think you should hyphenate dry mouthed and dreary eyed, so they become dry-mouthed and dreary-eyed, and also remove the comma between the two; I think it'll read better.

Yet still deep down, was an invisible streak of hope
For this I did not have to grope
I knew somehow the sun would shine
And with it each cloud will have a silver line

Just wait until the end of my post, and my problem with this will become clear. The only other thing is that clouds having a silver lining (by the way, you have said lining), is incredibly cliched. Try to avoid cliches.

It was time for a bad past to be forgotten
For that last bit of hope, not to rotten
So I shut my eyes, then opened wide
No more pain I felt inside

I'm sure you know better words than 'bad.' Always try to use the most descriptive and powerful word you know; 'bad' fits niether of those descriptions. Nothing else to add.

All new dreams flood my head
A spark of faith begins to spread
An all new me is here today
And may I say, I’m here to stay.

This is probably just a personal thing, but I don't like the words 'all new'. Keep them if you want, I just don't like them. I like the last line, it finished off your piece really nicely. Great work.

Ok, now for the part you've been anxiously waiting for. This is the best advice I ever recieved about writing back when I had just started out. A wise man once told me: "FORCED RHYMES ARE BAD FOR YOUR POSTURE." Avoid them at all costs or you'll be a poet with spinal problems. Rhyming is fine if it flows naturally. Don't let it look like previous lines are writing the poem for you... or something like that. This case of forced rhyming wasn't worse than others I've seen, but just keep it in mind for the future.

(That post nearly killed me)

Anyway, I said that essentially you have a good poem here, just maybe look over it again and clean it up a bit. Or... you could always totally disregard my advice. I know I would.

Keep writing.