There was an old man from Dundee

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Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:19 am

Afyr says... · Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:19 am

I wrote this in five minutes yesterday morning... enjoy...

There was an old man from Dundee
Who every day swallowed a pea
But one day, the cook
Who was reading a book
Neglected to give him his pea

The man from Dundee was quite mad
And beat the cook, 'cause she was bad
Then burnt up her book
And sent her to cook
A meal to make him feel glad

The cook thought the man was quite mean
So decided to cook him a spleen
She stuffed it with bread
And a rotten fish head
And mice from the home of the Queen

Eating as quick as he can
The man gulped it straight from the pan
Then feeling quite ill
He swallowed a pill
Alas, that was the end of that man.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, coz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup...

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Snoink

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Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:52 pm

Snoink says... · Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:52 pm

Yay! How very clever... not many people try to do many verses in this format since the bounciness sometimes gets repetitive or old. But this was pretty good.

Now, to make this poem even better, read it out loud. What sounds awkward and what is smooth? Change the awkward parts to something smoother and keep the good parts, unless they start sounding awkward. One helpful tip is to delete unnecessary words.

Good luck!

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

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Griffinkeeper

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Sun Sep 03, 2006 6:22 am

Griffinkeeper says... · Sun Sep 03, 2006 6:22 am

Hmm. On the one hand it is a fairly simple rhyme.

I'm going to rate this PG. Better safe than sorry.

Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)

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David Guinness

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Sun Sep 03, 2006 2:46 pm

David Guinness says... · Sun Sep 03, 2006 2:46 pm

*backs away from Afyr*

Pretty good limerick. Really creepy- (chills and all) -but pretty good.

As Snoink said, I would go back through and test the phrasing. Most of it flows well, but on occasion there's a "hiccup".

David Guinness

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Sohini

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Tue Sep 05, 2006 6:26 am

Sohini says... · Tue Sep 05, 2006 6:26 am

that was hilarious indeed!!! and in 5 mins? coool!!
"So decided to cook him a spleen"-ewwwww.
this reminds me of my poem "My Trip to the Sicks"
well done, each stanza is a limerick-wow!!

Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.

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