Darkness fading Part 2

3 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 19
Arieras and several of his men stalked along the forest.
They waited amongst the dark green, wet foliage. A group of orcs walked through the forest, their was also a cart. its dark brown wood running along the dark mud. Their were sacks and chests upon it.
The cart was pulled by two orcs. Big, well built. Arieras noted the giant axes amongst the enemy. One of the bigger orcs grunted as a smaller one tripped over a log.

An arrow shot out of a tree. It rushed past sets of leaves, knocking them off into the wind. It approached one of the orcs pulling the cart.
Blood sprayed amongst the other orcs in the groups. They all turned around to see an arrow firmly pressed into the orcs skull. He fell to the floor. Dead.

Then several other arrows soared through the air, Impaling more of the green skinned enemies.
"Werez dat cumin from" Yelled out one of the bigger orcs.
"Der, DER, i see em!"
"Alrite, CHEARGE, KILL EM ALL!"

Arieras and his warriors jumped down.
They drew their swords and charged into the enemy.
Arieras jumped up, and sliced his sword down into an orc skull.
He ducked under an orc Axe while simultaneously slicing into the knees of the orc. He delivered the death blow by slitting its throat.

Furious combat followed. Yarel, a close friend of Arieras. Released an arrow into a bigger orc that was about to slice into Arieras.
"Thanks." he yelled.

Eventually Arieras and his warriors slew the last of the orcs.
Yarel searched through the biggest orcs belongings.
He found a bunch of papers. the others gathered round him as he read it out loud.

"Oh uze bone 'ead" Yarel sighed at the orcs appauling speech. But he continued.
"Dis is ezy, even uze can do it! Simple! Get da stuff to da camp. If uze lose it, da big boss iz gunna be ma-ad, hez gonna rip ur ead from ur body!
Da attack is gonna 'appen in a few dayz, we must kill dos umies!"

Yarel rolled his eyes and handed the note over to Arieras.
Looked like they them selves had some planning to do.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1068
Reviews 164
Revise revise revise!

Revise it all. Use WD's suggestions for part 1 on this also. I'm sure her list could help this piece too.

I still believe that this story has loads of potential though.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1106
Reviews 614
Ok, your main problem seems to be pace, whats the rush? The story is zooming along with little description; no character insights and you are telling not showing.

Instead of saying:Blood sprayed amongst the other orcs in the groups.

You could say something like:
((
The orcs shielded their ugly faces with their leathery hands which felt streams of blood being lashed against them. The blood tricked in between their green fingers and chilled whatever little soul they had. They saw the culprit of the blood. An arrow that shot strongly with the wind had hit a fellow Orc, the arrow was accurate, too accurate as that single arrow had been fatal. The Orc was dead.
))

You dont seem to have a POV really, you should choose a character who everything is described from, for example lets say I was writing a story about John.

((

John sprang to life as he heard the sacred words being uttered, each whisper echoed around his mind and conjured thoughts and terrors. He felt a cold, wet teardrop spilling down his face, with a quick lash he wiped it and listened for more.

))

See how everything is told from johns perspective, John is feeling the intensity of the situation, he has feelings, the whole story is intensified by his emotions, plus with every sentence above Im character building, John obviously is quick to overcome any emotional terror he may be feeling. Im also creating suspense, readers may want to know what john is hearing and why its so emotionaly strong with him.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG



Forever is composed of nows.
— Emily Dickenson