A Prelude to Darkness, Chapter 2 (Mild Language)

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First off, I have to say that this was very well written. It’s not perfect (nothing ever is), but you’ve got something here. Wherever this story is going, keep writing, because I’m intrigued, to say the least. I can see this becoming an epic well worth reading. Now, enough with the flowering praise, on to the crit.

It boasted the most southern latitude in Herandor with a mere five miles between it and the dragon's realm, which was called Derathima.

I think you should leave out the “which was called” part, since the comma kind of implies that your about to give the name. I think it would flow better.

I like this opener. You did well here.

...Katherine had never been smiled at save by anyone but her brother, sister, and foster mother.

This was a little confusing. How about: “Katherine had never been smiled at by anyone save her brother, sister, and foster mother.”
As much as I liked how it was written, the entire scene between her bumping into the merchant and the sword just about to hit her seems to take far too long. Near the end, I was starting to think “Come on, get on with it.” It may be just me, but I think you should tighten that passage up a bit. A page and a half (going by the 350 word a page average I’m used to seeing in novels) for all that just seems a bit much.

Taking the opportunity, whoever was leading her dove into an ally and ran about halfway down it...

If the mob was actually chasing them, they seemed to have gotten away pretty easily. Maybe too easily.

Upon glancing down at his left hand, he noted that he was still holding his dagger, the blade of which had been dyed crimson by his retaliation. "Will it be..."

Switching speakers should start a new paragraph.

They were the words of a child who had been forced into adulthood at an early age. It was easy to see that he knew the harsh realities of the world exceedingly well, realities that even Katherine had yet to come to recognize.

Too much information. Completely cut this out and save it for the scene in the snow, as you’ve already done. Here it is being told in an omnipotent manner that clashes with the third person narrative you have set up.

Reaching out a hand, he attempted to pull the blunt piece of metal out of the wall, but finding it more difficult than he had first anticipated, he merely released it with a pleasant chuckle. "I didn't mean literally..."

I’m a little confused about this line. Who said it and why? It just seems to stick out at me.

He went off on his own several hours ago, and something tells me he is half the reason for this riot.

That mob’s been out there for several hours? Darrion and Katherine have been hiding for several hours? Seems like too long a time. Pace wise, it felt as if no more than half an hour had passed in total.

Once the candles illuminated his wound, his gaze grew even darker than it had before, though Katherine couldn't whether or not it was the result of the bitterness or the wound itself.

couldn’t tell whether.

"You bastard."

Say that Parlow said this, as I was very confused as to who the speaker was at first.

Both her thoughts and her senses suddenly became hazy with fatigue.

Suddenly just seems a bit off to me. I doubt her senses would “suddenly” become hazy, it’s usually a gradual thing you just don’t notice until it becomes major. Unless she was coming off adrenaline, then I suppose it fits.

One last thing, I noticed that you liked to switch viewpoints a lot. That’s all right, but you need to be careful when you switch them mid-scene, especially mid-paragraph. It was a little disorienting at times when you kept going back and forth, especially between Darrion and Katherine. Reread it and try to make the transitions a bit smoother, and maybe not so frequent.

And that’s all I pretty much have to say on this piece. Honestly, this is really well written. Personally, I’m having a hard time getting my own novel started, and here you have two chapters that have me wanting more. I envy you. Anyway, keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing where this is going.