A Prelude to Darkness, Chapter 1 (Mild Language)

Deleted.

Ahoy!

I like to pick out a lot of stuff- but I'll be gentle. Just for you.

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- I liked your spin on the 'it's only the tree outside your window' thing. Your version was much more poetic, and much more memorable. Extra points for fixing up a clichè.

- 'She asked hesitantly, paying no need to the crystalline drops that poured out of her burning eyes and descended to her pillow.' That was a beautiful line, and it stuck with me throughout the entire piece. One thing, though- 'need' should be 'heed' in this context.

- The wolf scene was absolutely awesome. You had a great sense of pacing and description with it- I could really picture the wolf, which was great since he seems to be important...

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- Your first paragraph was very poetic- however, the sentences need some combining to make them flow a little better. You have no problems with flow throughout the rest of the piece- which makes this bit stick out horribly.

- Why does Katherine 'tremble' when going back to her bed if the entire purpose of going to the window was to reassure herself? If she's got goosebumps, specify. If she's afraid...well, that doesn't make sense, so you're going to have to change the verb or the window scene.

- Don't have your characters talk to themselves. As with people, it's a sign of insanity- and that's not something you want in a young, trustworthy heroine. Instead- have her think. Italics are a good thing.

- You have a major InfoDump going on when you're describing normalcy and superstition in Riverbrook. Instead of just flat-out telling us about it as the narrator, write it from Katherine's perspective. It's really useless information if we don't know how it relates to her or her siblings.

- Celine- when she's describing her dream- uses phrases like 'blood red' and other forms of more sophisticated description. When you're that small- four years old?- you don't know a whole lot about how to form sentences and use words, so your speech is going to be a little more bare-bones simplistic. It would also be a good touch to be able to distinguish the siblings from one another- at the moment, Celine, Katharine, and Taro all sound like the same person. Variety is good, too!

- Celine says she couldn't see the elf's face because his hood was up. This a very confusing description that a lot of fantasy writers use that I, quite frankly, don't understand. A hood has the front of it as a big hole such that the wearer can breathe- if he didn't have that hole, he would be dead elf. So! Perhaps a mask might be better.

- Celine sounds very grown up in the fact that she understands about 'lost years' and how she's sympathetic to Taro about not having these years. Little kids don't really have a sense of time- it's all just one big block to them. And at Celine's age, she's bound to be a little self-centered still, since she hasn't seen enough of the world for it to really click that she's only a tiny part of it. So! Either describe how she's extraordinary in this way, or tweak her speech and behavior just a little bit.

- If the inn keeper came after his family, Taro says he'd 'lick him'. This is...er...sort of confusing to us literal readers. Though, it might be an amusing sight- perhaps Taro has halitosis? Eek!- I think you mean something to the extent of 'beat him up'. Use something that's a little more kid-like and a little less down-home country.

- I'm kind of worried about Taro, too. Why? You say he's got a mischieveous personality, and yet he's really protective of his siblings. Someone who likes to cause mischief isn't often that sympathetic- or responsible. Show us how extreme a state of control he's put us in, and we'll be impressed- and get a little bit more of a look into Taro's real personality.

Heh, I can’t say I have a reputation of being “gentle”, but I’ll try to soften any blows I feel inclined to give.

Okay, with the first paragraph, I think you’re trying too hard to be descriptive. Not that that’s a bad thing, it just sticks out a bit and doesn’t really fit with the rest of the piece. In my opinion. Things like the moon being a “luminous full orb” just sounds like you’re trying too hard. The moon doesn’t really light the sky in our world, it more illuminates the ground. The “child at unrest” just doesn’t seem to fit. Restless sounds better to me, but you can still describe the restlessness if you wish.

I have to agree with Sam, don’t have Katherine talk to herself. Have her think those thoughts. I think it would sound better.

“Now, now… don’t be stubborn.” The boy was groggy, but regardless of his state of semi-consciousness, he appeared both light-hearted and concerned. Two years her senior and with short black hair, Taro looked much like his sister when it came to physical appearance. However, when it came to personality, Taro tended to be rather mischievous and more than a bit quarrelsome, but it was all for the sake of protecting his sisters. What was inexplicable about his personality was his hesitance to trust anyone save for his only living blood relatives. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

This may be a bit too much information, but maybe not. It’s kinda the whole “show, don’t tell” thing I keep hearing about.

In essence, it was his own brand of tenacity, one that he intended to upheld come hell or high water.

I think it should be “uphold”.

Beings the intention of the humans was to become...

All right, this sentence kinda confused me a bit. I’d go back and reread it. If it still makes sense to you, maybe reword it for the rest of us, because I read it and thought “Huh?”

“Not so much.” He said bitterly as the flames of fury ignited his gaze. By that, he was referring to their foster parents, the people who were supposed to take care of them. Instead, however, they were given the responsibility of keeping the two-story brick house clean while the two of them worked their troubles away at the local inn. Being the owners, the number of hours they put in was great as it was, but ever since Taro and his sisters had come to live there, their leisure time had dwindled to virtually nothing. It was a miracle if the two of them came home at night. The broad-shouldered sandy-haired blue-eyed man and his short, slightly stout, dark haired, dark-eyed wife only immersed themselves in all that work to escape the problem that the three children had become to them, or so Taro had always thought.

“I hear them fight.”

After such a long paragraph, you should indicate who’s speaking.

“I won’t on purpose.” She muttered as the two of them dove under her covers. Celine nestled herself comfortably between her two older siblings as Taro rested an arm around both of them. Katherine pushed her head into the crook of his arm and closed her eyes, listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart.

Okay, if Celine is between the two, how can Katherine feel Taro’s heartbeat? By what your describing, the tow are next to each other, but Celine is there. Make their positions clearer.

“I only lost my breath for a moment.” She responded. They sat in silence for a few moments, Taro still laying on the table, his short black hair concealing his eyes from her. “You say… they fight about us?”

I’m assuming Taro said this, since it was Katherine who told Taro. This should start it’s own paragraph.

“If you still think I’m scared, I’m not, understand?” An unexpected sound at the door caused him to cry out. Even Katherine could see he had nearly jumped out of his skin, which only served to augment her amusement. She raised a hand in an attempt to hide the fact that she was laughing, warranting a glare from her brother that sent her scurrying towards the door. “You stay here. I’ll make sure it isn’t anything you need to be afraid of.”

Again, when switching speakers, start a new paragraph.

“I’m sorry.” She managed, moving her hand to his head and giving him a good rub behind his left ear. “Two years here has… really changed me.” She could remember the reaction she had when she was told she would live there, that she wouldn’t cause trouble, that those people referred to as her guardians owned her. Looking back on it, Katherine only reached the conclusion that Riverbrook had tamed even her wild spirit. She had accepted her place, though her mind still relentlessly sought a way to change it in the future. She had bought into those horrid superstitions that made her suffer so. She had even allowed people like that to own her, and as Katherine’s eyes wandered to the wolf, his sorrowful gaze clashed with hers, drawing forth another wave of strange emotions she couldn’t process fast enough. In the end, they got the best of her despite her efforts to maintain control over them.

Her realization here seems a bit sudden.

“Liar.”

“See? Celine sees right through it. How could you lie to your own brother, Katherine?”

“Cut the act; you and I both know you’re only acting hurt.”

With three people talking, you need to be clearer as to who said what.

“Didn’t I already apologize?” Katherine replied irately, causing Taro to release her. Upon doing so, their glares met with a force that could have easily produced sound. Two silent angers built and quickly filled the room, threatening to clash together in a tremendous thunder. Being the observant child that she was, Celine saw the looming danger of a quarrel erupting, which would ultimately unleash a fierceness the likes of which she had never seen the two of them express, or so she thought. She darted forward and clutched Taro’s arms, putting forth what little physical strength she had to ensure the situation did not escalate any further.

The anger and rage seemed to start quite abruptly. Either tone down the anger or have more buildup.

Why was he so forgiving?

I didn’t really get the point of this question. Then again, I may have just missed it.

Wow, this was pretty nice. Your characters are pretty interesting. I personally like Taro, but all three seem believable. Some parts of the wolf encounter seemed rather abrupt, like you were trying to force information into the scene, but other than that, I liked the scene. Grammatical errors were few, and for a piece this size, that’s pretty good. It isn’t an action packed opener, which most people like, but it gets you thinking early and often, which really pulls you in. I’m intrigued by the children’s story and am curious about both the horse and the wolf, who both seem to be far more than they appear. With what I’ve read and the title, I’m interested to see where you go with this. Keep this up.

I can't add more to what has already been said. With Taro you have him changing personalities, he's protective of his family and then slightly mischevious.

I would especially love to know what the horse and the wolf play to this story. Since your other posts are long too I'll take time to give a more vivid critique for them.

The only problem I had was the over-descriptive sentences, I couldn't really concentrate on them. Make some choppy.