Girl With a Violin (UPDATED)

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It was an afternoon in late Autumn. The air was frigid and the wind bitter. It blew in fierce little gusts, penetrating the old man's thin, worn coat and sending shivers down his spine. He sat on the cobblestone ground in a drab, dark alleyway, slouched against a brick wall. Every few moments he would have violent spells of coughing, spattering his handkerchief with phlegm and blood.
He had accepted the fact that he was going to die. He only wished for company, someone, anyone to hear his story, and for warmth. It had been so long since he'd known the comfort of a fire crackling in the hearth.
Instead, he was to live his last moments in solitude and silence in this dismal place, the cold gnawing into him mercilessly.
Gradually the sky darkened, the pale, ghostly blue twilight of dusk fading slightly darker until finally the sky was a deep, inky indigo. Stars appeared slowly, and eventually the moon emerged from the clouds, brilliant and full. The old man tried to focus on the serenity of the night and the moon's regal beauty, to let it take his mind off his misery. He longed to join the distant, glimmering stars, suspended in the vast sky--so far from poverty and hunger and disease. So far from arrogance and selfishness, from those who assumed people like him deserved their misfortune and showed no compassion. A star would be free of strife. It would know only tranquility and beauty.
The moments crept by, the silence interrupted only by the old man's frequent coughing spells and the rats rummaging through overturned trash bins.
Something stirred in the shadows. The old man strained his eyes and thought he could make out a figure. It drew closer silently until it stood near the old man, illuminated by a flood of moonlight.
It was a slender young girl. She was barefoot and wore a simple dress. She was pale and had delicate features: jutting cheekbones and a dainty nose, small, shapely lips. Her eyes were dark and clear and calm and seemed to large for her pixie-like face. They were framed by arching brows. Dark tresses spilled over her slight shoulders. Though her face was young, her expression was older; weary and wistful and knowing.
In one hand she clasped the elegant, spiraling neck of a violin and in the other, its straight, slender bow. The polished mahogany gleamed in the gentle glow of the moon. The old man assumed she was one of the young street urchins who played scratchy tunes on street corners, hoping that sympathetic passerby would toss them a few coins.
The girl studied him solemnly a few moments, then raised her violin and carefully positioned in beneath her chin. She lifted the bow, its taut, horse-hair strings shining silver-white, and rested it atop the violins strings.
She closed her eyes and began to nod gently. Silently she mouthed the syllables, "One-te two-te three-te-"

She launched into a fiery, furious piece, her bow zipping madly across the strings. Her fingers worked rapidly at the top of the violin. Her brow was creased in concentration, her cheeks flushed with passion.

This was no street urchin.




[i]This is the beginning of a short story; it probably won't be much longer than 5 or 6 pages. It's a bit strange but I rather like it. What do you think? There's more to come...[/i]
Last edited by Fireweed on Sun Aug 13, 2006 3:28 am, edited 2 times in total.
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




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Ooer!!!

I really liked this. The imagery was magnificient, the characters sort of...sadly heartwarming. The old man cliche has been done a few times but that's okay...I love your bits about street urchins and this piece flowed so smoothly! I would give you a deep crit but I really have to get off right now...Hopefully I can get back to it tomorrow because this really is beautiful and deserves a proper critique. But in the meantime I just wanted to let you know it's just absolutely lovely and you simply MUST continue with it.

And no, it's not so terribly strange, I think its just SPECTACULAR.

Oooh I hope this doesn't qualify as a"ditzy" critique. But GOD KNOWS I couldn't write like this when I was fourteen?

...

Actually, I probably couldn't write like this NOW.

HOWEVER...that debate is for another time. PM me if you want, to tell me your source of inspiration and how you came up with all that splendid imagery as such, and I'll be getting back to this. :P

(feels a bit silly for gushing so much)




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Wow, thank you!! I wasn't expecting that kind of praise for this. Thanks alot. :)

I'll post more soon... Any other comments on the beginning are welcome!!
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




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Misty's right - a lovely lyrical descriptive sense you have.

He longed to to join the distant, glimmering stars, suspended in the vast sky so far from earth. So far from poverty and hunger and disease.


Typo -- double 'to'. The two sentences might flow more evenly as well if you combine them - stars in the vast sky are implied to be far from the earth. What if you pulled that bit out, and set a dash between 'vast sky' and 'so far from povery...'?

Like so -
...suspended in the vast sky -- so far from poverty and hunger...


It drew closer silently until it stood near the old man, illuminated by a flood of moonlight.
It was a slender young girl, perhaps 14 or 15


No need to add 14, 15 "It was a slender young girl..." says enough - though it's entirely up to you.


She was barefoot and wore a simple dress. She was pale and had delicate features: jutting cheekbones and a dainty nose, small, shapely lips. Her eyes were dark and calm and clear and seemed to large for her pixie-like face. They were framed by thin, arching brows. Dark, unruly tresses spilled over her slight shoulders. Though her face was young, her expression was older; weary and wistful and knowing.


The wan picture of the girl is lovely; the end bit - weary and wistful and knowing turned simply pragmatic description into something a bit more, and the structure kept the lyrical, melancholy feel.

But you say so much you almost drown it at first - arching brows, dark, unruly... Adjectives are excellent, but as the saying goes, most everything in moderation. "She was pale and had delicate features: jutting cheekbones (still delicate - jutting?), a dainty nose and small, shapely lips."

That's a complete picture in itself. ^_^ Comb through to check for unneeded adjectives - if you're repeating yourself even a bit without the poetic intent of the final....whistful... etc, piece, then you're saying too much.


In one hand she clasped the elegant, spiraling neck of a violin and in the other, it's straight, slender bow.


This moved well, and vividly from distant description to the present action.

--Typo -- it's ought to be its.

She lifted the bow, it's taut, horse-hair strings shining silver-white, and rested it atop the violins strings.


Typo again - it's should be its as it is possessive in this case.

But reiterating Misty, you do have a wonderful instinct for the descriptive, visually. ^_^

She launched into a fiery, furious piece, her bow zipping madly across the strings. Her fingers worked rapidly at the top of the violin. Her brow was creased in concentration, her cheeks flushed with passion.

This was no street urchin.


...not a street urchin? Of course, an apt question to leave with your readers if you want them to keep reading. ^_~ This was enjoyable all around, for its sound and look first...and then for the few questions. I'd say it was too open-ended - except that it's only the very first bit of something you said was continuing. ^_^

Any questions, feel free to PM me.

IMP
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Thank you, that was very helpful. ^_^ I do tend to get a bit carried away with description. I'll try to get rid of some of the unneeded adjectives.
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




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The promised critique(and I am going to make an attempt at harshness to make up for the lovely gush-spiel up there):

It was an afternoon in late Autumn. The air was frigid and the wind bitter. It blew in fierce little gusts, penetrating the old man's thin, worn coat and sending shivers down his spine. He sat on the cobblestone ground in a drab, dark alleyway, slouched against a brick wall. Every few moments he would have violent spells of coughing, spattering his handkerchief with phlegm and blood.


1. The uses of "frigid and "bitter" in the first sentence is excellent. You're using strong descriptive adjetives to get you going...always a good thing!

2. "Fierce little gusts" .... it actually makes the wind sound cute, somehow :D

3. If the man's coat is "thin" you needn't describe it as "worn" also. It's a bit redundant.

4. "cobblestone" "drab, dark," and "brick wall." You may be overdescribing, but then, maybe not. "Drab," and "dark,"...might be a bit much. Again, maybe not.

5. "violent," "spells" "smattering"...all very good description.

He had accepted the fact that he was going to die. He only wished for company, someone, anyone to hear his story, and for warmth. It had been so long since he'd known the comfort of a fire crackling in the hearth.
Instead, he was to live his last moments in solitude and silence in this dismal place, the cold gnawing into him mercilessly.


1. The first sentence makes us feel sorry for the poor man.

2. Words "solitute," "dismal" and "gnawing" are really very good. You already know what I think of your literary style and flow, so I won't bother repeat myself. :D

Gradually the sky darkened, the pale, ghostly blue twilight of dusk fading slightly darker until finally the sky was a deep, inky indigo. Stars appeared slowly, and eventually the moon emerged from the clouds, brilliant and full. The old man tried to focus on the serenity of the night and the moon's regal beauty, to let it take his mind off his misery. He longed to join the distant, glimmering stars, suspended in the vast sky--so far from poverty and hunger and disease. So far from arrogance and selfishness, from those who assumed people like him deserved their misfortune and showed no compassion. A star would be free of strife. It would know only tranquility and beauty."

Ooh it's so beautiful. I don't know how you manage it, really. I wish I could say something that lets you know how much I loved this but I suppose my words aren't as eloquent as yours.

The moments crept by, the silence interrupted only by the old man's frequent coughing spells and the rats rummaging through overturned trash bins.


You really have set a mood of unbeautiful beauty, here. Ah haha I could keep up with this, copying and pasting things and gushing...but let's just settle with the fact that I loved it, how bout that? :P I can't wait till you post more. :D




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Thank you so much!! I'll probably post more tomorrow...
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




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Okay, here's a wee bit more. Sorry it took so long. Imp and Misty, thanks again for your lovely critiques. They were both very nice and helpful, and I really appreciate them. :)




The old man started and stared at the girl intently, astonished. Who was, what was she? An angel or demon or ghost? Or merely a figment of his own fevered mind?
The beautiful piece continued, reverberating throughout the alleyway. It had replaced the melancholy silence, and the alleyway seemed less dreary. The music was breath-taking, spectacular. It filled the old man with ecstasy. The emotion was unfamiliar to him. For so long he had known only apathy and boredom.
He was grateful for the girl and her music, though he could not make sense of it all. This bare-foot girl stood before him in this filthy place and played passionately, as if she belonged in some grandiose concert hall, clad in a velvet gown, serenading admiring audiences. Yet she appeared from the shadows and played for him, a dying, penniless old man.
As the piece progressed, the old man found it was vaguely familiar to him. He'd heard it long ago, when he was still young and enthusiastic and appreciated fine music. He racked his foggy memory for where he could have heard such a splendid piece.

Suddenly it hit him, and a flood of memories was unleashed.
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




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Hello! First off, I really liked this. I'm sure you're sick of hearing that by now though. You have such a talent for those poetic discription sentences.

In the beginning of this, I noticed that you were using a bunch of short, discriptive sentences in the same format (this did this, that did that.) Maybe you could redo some of those? I wouldn't have noticed them if I weren't looking for something to say, though, so you're probably fine.

Gradually the sky darkened, the pale, ghostly blue twilight of dusk fading slightly darker until finally the sky was a deep, inky indigo.


Minor adjective overload... I don't think inky is necessary, and one or two of the others could go as well and it would still be a great sentence.

He racked his foggy memory for where he could have heard such a splendid piece.

Suddenly it hit him, and a flood of memories was unleashed.


You say memory twice in two sentences. Again, since there's a paragraph between them it's not that noticeable, just pointing it out though. :)

Apart from those things, I didn't find anything that needs critiquing that hasn't already been found. I really hope you post more of this, it looks like it's going to be really interesting.
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I love this piece, you have very good descriptive words. I also like the cliffhangers you leave as you post, it really keeps you hooked.

I also like how you can feel sympathic for each of the characters. I agree, that they sick, old man is a bit common, but you play it well.




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As a fan of music I really loved this. the descriptions were right and the music almost played into my ears.

This brings up questions like whi is this girl and why is she playing for the man.

Please continue!
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Just to touch upon what everyone else has said: this was great. You seem to have a knack for using adjectives, though sometimes your descriptions are over-the-top. You want to be wary of that. Anyone can throw five or six words together to describe an object -- the good writer's choice of words is minimal, and hits the nail right on the head. They can make you see more -- FEEL more -- with one or two words than those non-writers can express in a paragraph. I will advise you to rethink some of your lengthy descriptions. By doing that, you can take this piece from good to outstanding.

Also,

It filled the old man with ecstasy.


Show, not tell. Did he smile, did his eyes get wide, what? Telling the reader he is filled with ecstacy does nothing to help a reader visualize.

Other than that, excellent job. This is a very strong beginning to what seems like it will be an interesting story. I cannot wait to see the finished piece.
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