Worst Opening Lines (game)

So to play you simply write an opening to an imaginary book that is the worst/weirdest/funniest/most creative, to see who can generate the most interesting opening lines (please no more than a small paragraph).

Hopefully, we'll have some fun answers!

Oh, and sorry if a game like this has already been posted.

Thanks for playing!

Once upon a time in a far off land there lived a biiiigg giant and a little little bird.

Why is my face falling off?!!!!
Why is chunks of bloodied flesh falling from my face?
Can it really be because of that lionfish pie I had for dinner?

(This obviously a REALLY bad, weird and non-sensical one.)

I wonder what kind of opening will be posted next?

It was raining harder than the much the new born baby sprinkled everyone with,as its first reaction to the world. Or even harder than buckets full of fish falling from above, and let me tell you that was no joke. Anyways....it was raining really really hard.

The End.

And that's how it went.