Romance, Bubble Bath

This is my first piece posted here, so I'm nervous to post this. But, here it goes:

Romance
Bubble bath
Pink bubbles
Blue soap
Light a candle
Shine a rose
My boyfriend catches on fire
I call the FBI
I eat pizza while he dies
Do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do
Do

Um, very...interesting. It doesn't make any sense, though. Please clarify?

XD

Hahaha... anytime where someone catches on fire is a good time!

Still... I think you might want to work on the timing a little bit. Set us up for a long dramatic poem about bubble baths and then suddenly we should be struck with the whole catching fire thing. That way, you don't have to do "do do do" stuff. That just seems like an effort to lengthen the poem. The problem? The climatic scene should be the guy catching on fire.

So pretend your poem is a strip tease. There's a beautiful woman and she takes off her clothes slowly... to reveal that she is wearing bananas for underwear.

Have fun!

........ .........
Hmm, this is giving me ideas XD
..... Freaky Deaky.....

Fun to read while I'm waiting for Tales of Symphonia to finally let me win.

Splashy Splashy.

I'm so glad ya'll liked this. I worked really, really, really hard on it. I think it's the best thing I've ever written, and I couldn't justify taking the "Do do do do do do do do do do's" out of it. With that said, do you think a higher perfection could possibly be reached? I don't.

If you do more poetrys you can do whatever you want!
dodododo...
noooo!

I'm sure you can get better. It just takes a lot of practice though.

Flawlessness can't improve, and that is what I've achieved.

Not to be mean, but don't get too cocky. Everyone can use a little work. Everyone. Which includes you. And me. And everyone on this site! Heck, this is only your first poem, so don't be like "OMG! I'm the best poet on the site!" or anything. I'm sure your very talented though. Keep writing!

Sharty, I think maybe poetry isn't your thing. This poem is sort of disturbing. what's with the dodododododo?

Writingluver5: Not only am I the best poet on the site, but I'm the best in the world, and have been for 7,000 years.

Reas E'lil: Disturbing? Yes, I often times find perfection can be disturbing, but in a beautiful way.

no offense, but it isn';t the best poetry in the world. I've read a lot better. I'm not really sure if you're being sarcastic, but I think there is a lot of room for improvement.

Tell me one poem you've read that could possibly be better than this? Oh, you mislead masses! What kind of life have you led not to recognize splendor when it's staring you in the eye? Apparently, I'm just what this site needs.

Sharty, there's no need to be defensive or condescending. By posting your work, you implicitly request our opinions and advice to improve your writing. When several people agree on the same basic ideas, perhaps there is some wisdom to be gained from them. We are all here to learn.

Don't settle, even for perfection. You should always push the limits and see what you can accomplish.

Sharty wrote:Tell me one poem you've read that could possibly be better than this? Oh, you mislead masses! What kind of life have you led not to recognize splendor when it's staring you in the eye? Apparently, I'm just what this site needs.

Heck, read something by Lermontov once.

Look Sharty, you don't really know how the... hierarchy - of you will - of this site works. There is a handful of really really good writers and critters here - Snoink included - who have been here for a very long time. These are the people you PM to ask them to crit your work. These are the people you get good sound advice from if they do crit your work.

Now looking at this thread, Sharty, ya got six people - if you count me - to comment on this. Which is sort of a lot, for a brand new member on his first post. And they've pretty much all had some experience on here. Trust that they know what they're talking about. Trust that they're doing you a favor, giving you a crit, because crits are in no way, shape or form guaranteed.

Now I don't know if you're going for a funny, sarcastic, facetious stand in an attempt to endear you to other members... I don't know if you really, sincerely think that you've achieved perfection here and should therfore be worshipped or soemthing, but either way it's a poor attitude to have in the face of crits.

I'm sorry, this is so rude... I just really can't see what you hope to accomplish here if you're not willing to learn...