untranslatable

what am I doing? I speak as though you’ll understand
the drips and eddies, tides of lunar gold across the shore. This is my mind
(not that it's always so beautiful) and that makes it
precious? No. Empty, and un-anchored.
For this is an open space, an ocean, unfettered as a restless sea
(I only touch the shore because all seas must have an end somewhere
so this is mine) and I think I am a ship
thus here adrift I sit and rock and watch and float and dream alone
thinking my life in fairytales; speaking my hopes in tongues.


Ooh I had fun with this one. I really did. I know it needs work (desperately, as usual) but it was so much fun to write again. It's been too long!

Not much too change in this....well done!

(I only touch the shore because all seas must have an end somewhere[s] so this is mine[/s])

I enjoyed this. You're a good poet, bubblewrapped, and I wish we had more of you. It'd certainly be nice. In case, this was a fair composition.

Beautiful. I love the prose-ish quality of this, it flows so well and is very nice to read. And all your wonderful images...

(not that it's always so beautiful)
I'd change 'so' to 'this'

so this is mine)
Maybe 'and' instead of 'so'

Or maybe I just have a weird thing against so's tonight. Anyway, lovely poem, and thanks for posting.

I think that because you have so many beautiful images in your poem that you should break up the lines to create more space for them. As already mentioned your poem does have a prose-ish quality to it but i don't think that means that you have to keep it so condensed.

Also i think creating more space might help you expand on the poem in the future, if you ever want to. Also i would take out some of the "and's" and the "thus." I would not seperate the poem into more than one stanza though to maintain the continuity of it. I think that the prose quality of it suits it to be one large stanza. Maybe like this (I've taken out some “ands” and “ans” too.):

what am I doing? I speak
as though you’ll understand
the drips and eddies,
tides of lunar gold across the shore.
This is my mind
(not that it's always so beautiful)
and that makes it precious? No. Empty,
un-anchored.
This is open space,
an ocean, unfettered as a restless sea
(I only touch the shore
because all seas must have an end.
This is mine) I think I am a ship:
adrift I sit and rock
I watch and float and dream alone
thinking my life in fairytales;
speaking my hopes
in tongues.

In the line:
For this is an open space, an ocean, unfettered as a restless sea

I removed "for" and "an" so it reads:

This is open space, an ocean, unfettered as a restless sea

Also in the following senetence:
I only touch the shore because all seas must have an end somewhere so this is mine

I rearranged to be:
I only touch the shore because all seas must have an end
and this is mine.

I think this line sounds better without either the 'have an' or the 'somewhere.' I noticed though when you write:

I only touch the shore because all seas must end somewhere and this is mine.

it is less clear as to what "this is mine" refers too. Also I am not sure if only should be moved next to ‘because’ or not. Syntatically, I think it makes mores sense if you move next to the “because” to read

I touch the shore only because all seas must have an end and this is mine.

Finally this line might sound better if you remove the “and” entirely to read

I touch the shore only because all seas must have an end. This is mine.

I really, really like the implication of this line. Maybe you could expand on it. There is an underlying turmoil in this poem that sort of culminates in that line which is why I have messed with it so much. I know how much easier it is to edit someone else's poetry not to mention how much easier it is to edit than actually write so don't be offended by my suggestions. They are just ideas. i liked your poem so much i felt inspired to work on it. Great job.
Keep writing because i want to see more of your stuff.

This is like...major awesome. I only have two grammar corrections:

Add dash after "ship" and comma after "alone." AFter that, and gummy's suggestion, your good to go.

This just had such stunning imagery in it. I was just floored at this poem. It was really, really awesome. Like gummy said, I really wish we saw more of you. Great job!

I would get rid of everything in the parentheses. I read it through a few times; one reading the parentheses, one without reading, then one with reading them again. The best one was definitely when I read it through without reading the stuff in parentheses.

You have great imagery in here, and the poem flows well. Plus, it's fun to read.

The parentheses are daring, because they're a technique you either enjoy or dislike. I love them. They kind of...give the reader a subconcious understanding of the uncertain balance of the speaker's mind.

It also succeeds as a prosaic piece. There is no perceivable structure, yet it flows and reads differently than prose would.

Nice imagery.


I agree with plainfinmidshipman (that's a long one!) in that breaking up the lines differently would allow for greater impact. Sometimes simple measures like that go a long way.

the drips and eddies, tides of lunar gold across the shore. This is my mind

The rest of the poem creates a rather consistant picture of a wide sea, yet this line involves lunar gold? If it wasn't your intention to draw especial attention to this line, you may reconsider word choice. I may simply understand the poem differently (well, of course I do!,) but other parts just seem more...important.